Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > Other

Other A place to discuss any other family member or have general family discussions

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old June 5th, 2009, 08:21 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,556
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
How will I make it through the summer???

My mother is very time consuming. She doesn't have too many hobbies and shakes off any suggestions that she gets some. She wants to spend all of her time with my family.

When she's working, she still wants to be together every Sunday and at least once a week. We were there for dinner on Saturday and by Wednesday she's complaining that she misses the kids and it's been too long since she's seen them. I said it's only been a few days and it's too much. She dismissed it and said it's not too much for her or the kids.

She says she wants to help, but the truth is that she requires too much attention while "helping" me. She pushes and pushes to babysit, then cancels last minute on us. But she'll pitch a fit when she hears I've used the neighborhood babysitter. It's gotten to the point that I and DH don't go out more than a couple of times a year.

On top of that, she's making plans to take the kids to dinner to celebrate the end of school, to go to movies we wanted to take them to, and so on. If I tell her no, she pouts and cries and just throws on the guilt trip making me feel like I'm a terrible daughter.

When I don't have anything to do, it's not a big deal, but right now I'm very busy. This summer, she's taking a layoff until September. She's already making her daily plans. (The bright side is that she's accepted she's not going on vacation with us.)

How am I going to survive this without going ballistic on her?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old June 5th, 2009, 08:39 AM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 10,099
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How will I make it through the summer???

Treat her like another kid, - don't reward pouting & "fits".

Better yet- treat her like a mature adult. The kids are YOUR kids - you don't need her permission to do things with your kids.

Here's another idea. My DS enjoys going to the movies - in fact he will often chose to go to the same show a couple of times (once with me & once with my ex). You could see what your kids think of the idea & if THEY like it -go for it - they could go once with you & another time with your DM

( DM... does that = darling mother or dungeon master; if she's in control I think it = dungeon master bad Lucy, not giving her mommy what she wants)

Last edited by snafu; June 6th, 2009 at 06:57 AM. Reason: typo
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old June 5th, 2009, 12:01 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,239
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How will I make it through the summer???

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
How am I going to survive this without going ballistic on her?
I think you're gonna have to go ballistic. Either that, or set the boundaries up front then ignore the pouty fits.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old June 5th, 2009, 01:25 PM
1DH+4Kids=Happyus's Avatar
1DH+4Kids=Happyus 1DH+4Kids=Happyus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 823
1DH+4Kids=Happyus will become famous soon enough
Re: How will I make it through the summer???

It's time to say NO.

A lot more than you do.
__________________
I'm a people, she's a people, he's a people, we're a people - wouldn't you like to be a people too?

PEOPLE - NOT SHEEPLE!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old June 6th, 2009, 06:11 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,556
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How will I make it through the summer???

Quote:
Originally Posted by snafu View Post
( DM... does that = darling mother or dungeon master; if she's in control I think it = dungeon master bad Lucy, not giving her mommy what she wants)


Let the pouting commence!

I've already told her no twice, and so today, she decided to make me wait when I called. She also pretty much gave my dad the bum rush to get off the phone with me, too. He's irritated, too, not so much with me, but with her. He wanted to take her to a museum and she won't go. She has "too much to do." The truth is, she doesn't want to go because the kids aren't going. They're doing their own thing today.

Already, and summer hasn't even begun.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old June 6th, 2009, 06:55 AM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 10,099
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How will I make it through the summer???

Lucy

You Go! Just remember when you're doing B. Mod. (behavior modifacation) you have to remain consistant. This doesn't mean your "DM" isn't allowed to do anything with YOUR kids, but no means no & you never, ever reward pouting, fits or guilt trips (I know, easier said than done ).

If you ever feel the urge to cave- remember this, You'll have taught her that if she keeps her antics up for ___________ amount of time she'll get what she wants (). {another way of looking at it, is that it will be good training for when your kids get to be teens }
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old June 6th, 2009, 07:38 AM
Beth's Avatar
Beth Beth is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,257
Beth will become famous soon enough
Re: How will I make it through the summer???

Lucy, we are going through this with my elderly MIL. And one of my DIL's is going through this with her mother.

We are finding that our mothers are too aware of our lives. We talk to them daily and unknowingly give information about our families and they are using this information to gain access to us, if that makes sense. (Like telling her what movies you want to take the kids to. Don't tell her these things.) You may want to try limiting the number of calls, time talking, and information given to her. If she starts freaking out, it's because she is no longer receiving her information lifeline and will start to go through withdrawals (pouts).

There are some parents that stay out of your lives and others who entangle themselves into it and cause problems. If your mom is the latter, then you may have to take evasive action. It's a chess game.

I try to keep some humor about it. Everything doesn't need to be a battle. You may not be able to change your mom, but you can change the way you do things. If she tends to spoil your plans, then don't tell them to her. She really sounds like she needs to become more involved in her own life with friends and activities.

I remember 25 years ago when my own mother did what your mom is doing. I basically told her that she needed to get a life. I'm afraid I wasn't too tactful at the time. She didn't speak to me for weeks. But she did think about what I said. After a few weeks she called to tell me about all the new things she was doing and we had a great conversation. I don't think she realized how intrusive and needy she was being. Our relationship was vastly improved.

It sounds like your mom is spending quality time with your family. You seem to include her in things. But don't let her run your family. You have a right to do things with only your husband and children. She may get pissy, but don't allow her to guilt trip you or use emotional blackmail. Put your foot down, gently (at first). If she chooses to cry and throw tantrums, let her. I say put her in the naughty corner.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old June 9th, 2009, 04:29 AM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,556
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How will I make it through the summer???

Thank you all for your replies!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth
She really sounds like she needs to become more involved in her own life with friends and activities.
I was thinking of sitting her down and telling her that she's beginning to act like her own DM. I remember my mother saying this to my dad when they first got married. My GM only ever wanted to be with her GCs; that's all she wanted out of life. I'm glad she wants to be close to them and I don't want to stop that. But I do sometimes need time to be our own little family.

I did keep to my plans this weekend. My DM stayed home and Monday morning, she seemed to accept that my family needed the time alone to do what we had to do. She's "babysitting" DD this morning, so she's overjoyed by that. I think I'll have to do this readjusting every year or year and a half.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old June 11th, 2009, 07:40 AM
marwahad's Avatar
marwahad marwahad is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 229
marwahad is on a distinguished road
Re: How will I make it through the summer???

I dont know what to write in this situation


but let me give my situation . Dw and Ds are on vacations . since i can not accompany them my father in law traveleld 500 miles just to take them to there home .

she is ataying there from last one month and tomarrow they are moving to my parents home .

Father in law will accompany them till half of the distance and will then be picked up by my father.

She will stay in my home for another 20 days till i go and take them back


During these days we talked daily over phone and my DS (3.5 yrs old) loves to be with the grand parents .

my parents and parents in law love to baby sit for them so that my wife can meet her friends and enjoy.



I dont know about others but what i feel since they made our lifes is is not there right to stay with kids, or ask us to spend time with them



i have seen lot of joint families here and the experiences vary from best to worst

but still i feel parents have right to tell us the things like what is good for us and what not .We can take a final call , but i feel we should listen to what they are saying

correct me if i am wrong
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old June 11th, 2009, 12:41 PM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,556
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: How will I make it through the summer???

Quote:
Originally Posted by marwahad View Post

my parents and parents in law love to baby sit for them so that my wife can meet her friends and enjoy.
That is great. Unfortunately, my mother is not reliable as a sitter. She cancels last minute every time we've made plans so we don't make plans anymore. Even when she comes to babysit so I can work, she expects me to spend my time with her, so she's not sitting, then, either. I don't really expect her to sit for me. But she has a fit if I get someone else to babysit.

Quote:
but still i feel parents have right to tell us the things like what is good for us and what not .We can take a final call , but i feel we should listen to what they are saying

correct me if i am wrong
And what happens when you make a final decision contrary to what they advise?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:41 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network