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  #1  
Old August 25th, 2009, 02:59 PM
ABC123 ABC123 is offline
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One huge problem

I am a 20 year old male from the UK. My mother left our family over four years ago, so my problem is not a new one. But it has been grating at me. She left us for a classmate of mine, when we were both sixteen. I hated that boy since the day I met him when we were ten years old and my mum knew that. He is abrasive, ignorant and has nothing in the way of looks; the only thing that goes in his favour is that his dad owns a scaffolding business and as a result their family is rich, though (and if you'll forgive the snobbery) none of the class to go with it.
So, you can see why this isn't a simple case of a child with issues when his parents divorced; it is more a case of betrayal. The humiliation on my family when my then forty-three year old, well-educated, sophisticated mum left to live with my sixteen year old enemy (dramatic I know, but I am feeling a little riled) in his parents home. It wasn't even like she had a reason to go, my Dad being successful, rich, caring and a well-groomed healthy man (by anyone's standards).
I have never had a chance to talk about this with anyone. I did go to counselling for a while, but I could never open up to the therapist, always feeling like they would tell me its my fault for my mother leaving, after all the boy who she is with now was my classmate. It worked for my younger brother, but not for me.
I stayed at the same school, for two more years with him. My Dad suggested we move and even did put our house on sale for a while, but I very stubbornly insisted I would not leave my home, friends and school behind because of him or my Mum. Being a man of pride himself, my Dad eventually agreed with me. Looking back on it, perhaps it would have been better that he convinced me that we move, but that can't be undone now.
Even now as I prepare to enter my third year of University I still have never really opened up to another human being about what happened to me. I was too ashamed to talk to my friends at school, and those at University, I am still scared to share this burden with them, keen to let it slide into the past. As far as they know "my parents are divorced"; no more is ever said.
I wondered after a month of her leaving would she come back. In fact, I expected it. But it was two months, six months, and then well before a year had come round, she called us to inform us we had a new sister. I saw her at school a few times, and she looked nothing like the woman who had raised me. She was often dressed in clothes I would expect a teenage tramp in a bar to wear, and she even came to formally request a divorce from my father, dress as such. It is the only time she ever stepped foot in our house in four years actually.
She has two children with him now. I have heard rumours of engagement and maybe a third child. Though interestingly enough I have even heard a story she cheated on him. Whatever it is I hear from her almost never. And I think I am glad.
I hope someone has some helpful words for me or even just some words.
Thanks.
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Old August 25th, 2009, 05:01 PM
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Mrs X Mrs X is offline
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Re: One huge problem

Hi, i don't have anything helpful to say, but i know how hurt friends have been when their dad left their mother for a young girl. - Same as your situation, just opposite genders.

What would be your ideal solution?
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Old August 26th, 2009, 12:15 AM
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Lizzie Lizzie is offline
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Re: One huge problem

I am sorry you are so put out.

I have a young son almost 16 and I cant imagine the situation at all
Hes little more than a child.

Did your mum always try to act younger than she was and maybe dress
like a younger person? The age difference is so big.
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Old August 26th, 2009, 06:26 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: One huge problem

You mentioned that the counseling didn't work because you didn't open up to the counselor. You were afraid that he would blame you. Most people blame themselves when something bad happens. You cannot be blamed for anything that anyone else has done, least of all you mother and your enemy.

Writing things on the internet and talking to strangers is a good way to release the emotions that you've kept inside but please consider talking with a counselor fact to face again. I think now you might be ready.
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Old August 27th, 2009, 10:16 AM
tp551 tp551 is offline
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Re: One huge problem

Wow, I am so sorry for your situation. Listen I don't know what it's like to to lose a parent to a younger person, but I do know hurt from a parent. My grandfather (mom's dad) started dating a woman who was 3 yrs. younger than my mom when my grandmother (his wife) was in the hospital dying of Ovarian Cancer. This woman was my mom's best friends little sister and after my grandmother died, they were married. That was 30 yrs ago, they are still together, and don't really speak to any of my family. I can tell you that holding bitterness and anger in your heart does nothing to anyone but you and indirectly your family. You have to let go, My mom tries to communicate with her dad (my grandfather). He has made his choice and chooses his wife over us. It's painful but it's a reality, all you can do is move on.
Realize that nothing that you did caused this, this is all about her. Prayer is great, I have been able to overcome alot with prayer, real prayer.
God Bless You, I hope things work out for you.
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Old August 30th, 2009, 05:01 PM
ABC123 ABC123 is offline
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Re: One huge problem

I thank you all for responding to my message.

What I find worst about my situation is that my mother seems contented. She was a caring loving mother, what I would've described as a good person, then one day she seemed to decide she cared most of all what this guy from my class thought. She moved in with him and now they're content.

She has this new life that is her only life, like we were just the warm-up act. She might be having his next child, or marrying him, or even cheating on him, but in any case it's between those two, with our family just an after-thought.

If my own mother can betray me, what does that say for any future relationship I have. Anyone could up and leave me.

Lizzie, you asked me if my Mum had shown signs of acting younger than her age before. This is the worst bit; no not even the slightest. If I could describe her five years ago I'd have said she was a pretty normal woman. She had her good points and bad points, but overall just not out of the ordinary.

This is what makes me think that she's not changed as a person but just her priorities changed. No one could change that dramatically in a matter of weeks. It was almost overnight.

One day we were her family, then the next she decided she had a new love and, while she really did care for us, she decided she cared for him more. To the point where she cared so much for him she didn't care for anyone else's approval.

She seems to want to have her world revolve round him. That's what I can't get over.
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Old August 31st, 2009, 12:55 AM
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Re: One huge problem

I'm so sorry ABC....your confidence in people is shattered.

Its very unlikely that anything as horrific as that could possibly happen
to you again

I know this might sound daft as I am from a different country and culture
but how could this mature mother fall in love with a child, because that is
what a sixteen year old is how could she be fulfilled in the relationship as she
had been as a mother, I could understand ( a bit) if he was maybe 19 or 20 but 16!
She seems to have had many issues that maybe you never recognised,
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