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Old October 8th, 2015, 03:58 PM
VampirePixy VampirePixy is offline
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My mother is using facebook to stalk the guy Im dating?!

After he friended me on facebook she immediately friended him and to be polite he accepted her... Well now she uses it to watch his every move... If he logged on 20 min ago she knows it! If a girl posted on his wall she knows! If he like another girl's photo... she knows! And he accepts everyone, he has 1400 friends. Well he told me that he's not seeing anyone else and we talked about how I didn't want him to see anyone else while he was seeing me and I wouldn't either and he agreed he wouldn't... He calls me baby and hugs me, tickles me, he brought me out last weekend despite having to drive 3 hours just to bring me home and for him to get back home... He kisses me bye in public (we normally hang out in the college union) despite his friends not being far from us. Well my mother sees everything as a bad sign... We have midterms coming up so he only hangs out with me for about 10 min for lunch instead of an hour or 2 because he's studying. My mom is watching how often he messages me and looks for "signs" that shows he's not into me... At our date we even had a talk and he brought up the "no sex until we're official" thing first and he said he wants to get to know me really well before we become "official" so like a few months which I'm with as long as he's not seeing anyone else, but every move he makes my mother is filling my head with "bad signs" so much that it's driving me insane!! I'm having a really hard time enjoying my relationship with him with all of her negativity... Comic con is next weekend and on facebook this random girl wrote "hey bro" on his wall and she freaked out because they talked about maybe meeting up next weekend and I'm hoping he doesn't cancel on me to go hang out with her now... I know it's probably just his friend and I want to trust him but all of these negative thoughts are making it so hard to enjoy having a guy's company again... He's so sweet and so nice... He makes great grades, he's a gentleman, I think he's cute, we have very similar religious views (I don't have a typical straightforward religion and he told me about his views first) he's amazing and she's making it SO hard for me to be happy about having him around... I know she's not going to change and I still need her for certain things so confronting her isn't an option because she'll cut me off. I guess I just needed to vent more than anything.
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Old October 8th, 2015, 04:01 PM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
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Re: My mother is using facebook to stalk the guy Im dating?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by VampirePixy View Post
After he friended me on facebook she immediately friended him and to be polite he accepted her... Well now she uses it to watch his every move... If he logged on 20 min ago she knows it! If a girl posted on his wall she knows! If he like another girl's photo... she knows! And he accepts everyone, he has 1400 friends. Well he told me that he's not seeing anyone else and we talked about how I didn't want him to see anyone else while he was seeing me and I wouldn't either and he agreed he wouldn't... He calls me baby and hugs me, tickles me, he brought me out last weekend despite having to drive 3 hours just to bring me home and for him to get back home... He kisses me bye in public (we normally hang out in the college union) despite his friends not being far from us. Well my mother sees everything as a bad sign... We have midterms coming up so he only hangs out with me for about 10 min for lunch instead of an hour or 2 because he's studying. My mom is watching how often he messages me and looks for "signs" that shows he's not into me... At our date we even had a talk and he brought up the "no sex until we're official" thing first and he said he wants to get to know me really well before we become "official" so like a few months which I'm with as long as he's not seeing anyone else, but every move he makes my mother is filling my head with "bad signs" so much that it's driving me insane!! I'm having a really hard time enjoying my relationship with him with all of her negativity... Comic con is next weekend and on facebook this random girl wrote "hey bro" on his wall and she freaked out because they talked about maybe meeting up next weekend and I'm hoping he doesn't cancel on me to go hang out with her now... I know it's probably just his friend and I want to trust him but all of these negative thoughts are making it so hard to enjoy having a guy's company again... He's so sweet and so nice... He makes great grades, he's a gentleman, I think he's cute, we have very similar religious views (I don't have a typical straightforward religion and he told me about his views first) he's amazing and she's making it SO hard for me to be happy about having him around... I know she's not going to change and I still need her for certain things so confronting her isn't an option because she'll cut me off. I guess I just needed to vent more than anything.
Oh Facebook Facebook....so much trouble on there.....just ask your man to unfriend your mother and ignore her friend requests, you will have to do the same.....its not a crime.
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Old October 8th, 2015, 04:41 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: My mother is using facebook to stalk the guy Im dating?!

Have him change his privacy settings so that she can't stalk him as much.

But this isn't about the guy. This is about your mother. There is a point where a mother's love and protection becomes obsessive and overprotective. Why is your mom looking for "bad signs?" Is she trying to get you to not be interested in him (and why would she do that?) or is she trying to get you to work harder at the relationship?

And if you don't mind me asking, what did you mean by this comment?
Quote:
I want to trust him but all of these negative thoughts are making it so hard to enjoy having a guy's company again
Did you have a bad experience?

You need to tell your mother that you aren't as interested in all of the things that she is interested in about him. You have other things to think about besides how often he logs into Facebook or a comment that a friend made publicly. When she starts telling you, say "Okay, whatever" and change the subject until she figures out that it doesn't matter to you. Do NOT feed her drama.

Whatever happens with the guy, happens. It will do you NO good to worry about it and be suspicious because then you will be borrowing trouble. If he doesn't see you because he goes to Comic Con instead (whether he's hanging out with another girl or not) you get to decide if that's what you want from a boyfriend. That's what that whole "getting to know you" phase is about. Don't start stressing wondering if he will cancel on you or not.

Honestly, if your guy posted on here asking advice about the situation I'd tell him that he ought to run screaming for the hills. Your mom is going to be waaaaaaay too overinvolved as a mother-in-law, and I have a feeling she is going to chase off a bunch of great guys between now and that point. It has nothing to do with "needing" her. If she'd cut you off for suggesting that you get a reasonable amount of privacy as a young adult, you need to start making plans to NOT need her.
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Old October 8th, 2015, 06:52 PM
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Re: My mother is using facebook to stalk the guy Im dating?!

how old are you?

The reason I'm asking is I'm trying to figure out if I'd classify your mom as a "smother mother" or one who has apron chains attached to you. Is she like this with a lot of things (really negative?)

Has your mom had a bad relationship in the past and projecting on you?


BTW .... he really, really needs to restrict her/unfriend her.

(((hugs)))

If your mom is like this about things that promote your independence I'd suggest you read a book called "Boundaries" or "When I say no, I feel guilty" or (if necessary) "Toxic Parents".
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Old October 8th, 2015, 07:21 PM
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Re: My mother is using facebook to stalk the guy Im dating?!

Pink Floyd - The Wall - Mother

(snip)

Hush now baby, baby, dont you cry.
Mother's gonna make all your nightmares come true.
Mother's gonna put all her fears into you.
Mother's gonna keep you right here under her wing.
She wont let you fly, but she might let you sing.
Mama will keep baby cozy and warm.
Ooooh baby ooooh baby oooooh baby,
Of course mama'll help to build the wall.

Mother do you think she's good enough -- to me?
Mother do you think she's dangerous -- to me?
Mother will she tear your little boy apart?
Mother will she break my heart?

Hush now baby, baby dont you cry.
Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you.
Mama wont let anyone dirty get through.
Mama's gonna wait up until you get in.
Mama will always find out where you've been.
Mama's gonna keep baby healthy and clean.
Ooooh baby oooh baby oooh baby,
You'll always be baby to me.

Mother, did it need to be so high?
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Old October 11th, 2015, 05:49 PM
VampirePixy VampirePixy is offline
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Re: My mother is using facebook to stalk the guy Im dating?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Have him change his privacy settings so that she can't stalk him as much.

But this isn't about the guy. This is about your mother. There is a point where a mother's love and protection becomes obsessive and overprotective. Why is your mom looking for "bad signs?" Is she trying to get you to not be interested in him (and why would she do that?) or is she trying to get you to work harder at the relationship?

And if you don't mind me asking, what did you mean by this comment?
Did you have a bad experience?

You need to tell your mother that you aren't as interested in all of the things that she is interested in about him. You have other things to think about besides how often he logs into Facebook or a comment that a friend made publicly. When she starts telling you, say "Okay, whatever" and change the subject until she figures out that it doesn't matter to you. Do NOT feed her drama.

Whatever happens with the guy, happens. It will do you NO good to worry about it and be suspicious because then you will be borrowing trouble. If he doesn't see you because he goes to Comic Con instead (whether he's hanging out with another girl or not) you get to decide if that's what you want from a boyfriend. That's what that whole "getting to know you" phase is about. Don't start stressing wondering if he will cancel on you or not.

Honestly, if your guy posted on here asking advice about the situation I'd tell him that he ought to run screaming for the hills. Your mom is going to be waaaaaaay too overinvolved as a mother-in-law, and I have a feeling she is going to chase off a bunch of great guys between now and that point. It has nothing to do with "needing" her. If she'd cut you off for suggesting that you get a reasonable amount of privacy as a young adult, you need to start making plans to NOT need her.
She's just paranoid... She always has been about everything... I've had a really bad experience with a guy that I moved in with (he ended up being abusive mentally and physically) and after that I was in a long distance relationship for a year where I could literally NEVER see him it just wasnt an option for us... Well after that ended and I'm dating again it's nice to have a guy be nice to me again and actually have it be in person rather than just compliments over skype but whenever he doesnt text me back within 30 min or something she's always making comments about what he's doing rather than texting me so it's hard to enjoy his company when she's filling my head with garbage... I'm 20 and still have a minimum of 6 years left of college (pre-vet) and I'm still working on getting a car and finding an appartment but might not be able to afford one for a few years... I also don't have friends except one guy who lives 2 hours away so moving in with them isnt an option either.
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Old October 11th, 2015, 05:52 PM
VampirePixy VampirePixy is offline
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Re: My mother is using facebook to stalk the guy Im dating?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by snafu View Post
how old are you?

The reason I'm asking is I'm trying to figure out if I'd classify your mom as a "smother mother" or one who has apron chains attached to you. Is she like this with a lot of things (really negative?)

Has your mom had a bad relationship in the past and projecting on you?


BTW .... he really, really needs to restrict her/unfriend her.

(((hugs)))

If your mom is like this about things that promote your independence I'd suggest you read a book called "Boundaries" or "When I say no, I feel guilty" or (if necessary) "Toxic Parents".
I'm 20 and she's just negative about EVERYTHING and always talking down to me calling me stupid and everything or telling me I'm caring for my dog wrong because I'm not caring for her the way she cares for hers... (I want her to stay sitting until I say the release word "OK" while her dog is allowed to get up whenever she gives him the treat so that's wrong in her book because my dog shouldn't have a release word since hers doesn't......... it's just very controlling)
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Old October 11th, 2015, 06:22 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: My mother is using facebook to stalk the guy Im dating?!

VampirePixy,

This is alarming. I am very serious here. This is not intended to be mean and I don't want you taking it the wrong way, but you REALLY need to go to your college's counseling center and talk to someone. There is nothing wrong with YOU, but you are so steeped in dysfunction with your mother that you REALLY need to have someone to talk you through this.

Your mother may have mental health issues, I don't know. But she isn't the one posting here - you are. YOU have to learn how to survive your mother. She most likely isn't being so controlling to be unkind. She probably thinks she is doing it out of love. She may not be able to help herself. YOU need professional help to stay sane throughout this since moving out isn't an option. Your college should offer some sort of free counseling.

There are red flags and alarm bells all over your story.

You are 20 years old and have no friends. Most 20 year olds have friends.
Your mother knows when and whom you are texting and involves herself in your relationship. That is waaaaay too involved.
You moved in with an abusive boyfriend. What made you pick someone abusive? (I'm very glad you moved out)
Your mother talks down to you and calls you stupid. I mean, WHAT?? That's abusive.

Please understand that I do not mean to be unkind to you. I'm worried about you. You know you don't deserve what she does, but you really need professional guidance with understanding where and how the lines should be drawn between mother and adult child. You have a bright future but you CAN NOT live it chained to your mother.

Please put some thought into what I've said?
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