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Old December 17th, 2012, 08:53 AM
Summersolstice Summersolstice is offline
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New, needing help

Stumbled across this forum and hoping others outside my situation can help out.

I am 20 and my Mother went through an awful divorce with my father my senior year of HS. Long story short, he cheated on her and then gouged her for every penny and did not play fair.
I chose to go to a college close to home to stay with her as she took this very hard, as did I.

Around a year ago she met a man and within 4 or so months asked him to move in with us. Initially I was ecstatic for my mom and he seemed friendly. He worked for a minimum wage shop and quit the job to move here. He seemed to mope around the house, attempted searching for jobs online and boasted about how over qualified he was for a lot of jobs. Mind you, he never finished his college degree. He finally got a job 6 months in and quit after two weeks cuz they "didn't appreciate him..." He then used money out of my account to go to a trade school..... Finally found a small job last and complains about it and sleeps and mopes in his free time-
My problem is my mother is well educated and well paid and is now struggling to keep her home. We no longer have cable or Internet because she is obviously paying for him too..
I bust my butt working 2 jobs, go to school and take care of my pets. To me, an outsider living in someone else's home should feel obligated to get a job, even if at a fast food joint, and start contributing!
Lastly, he is very rude to me when she's not around. She tells me how much he loves me etc but he only tells her what she wants to hear.
I believe he is using my Mom. He told her he'd take care of her dog since she works so much and he lays in bed and let's the dogs roam free and go to the bathroom indoors. I told him today that if he was not motivated enough to do ONE thing around the house then I'd take over.

How do I tell my mother my concerns about him mooching off of her without her getting super mad? He has done some good deeds like helping me unload hay for my horse, or picking me up when my car broke- but I think he is incredibly lazy and it's not fair to my Mom.
I believe she stays and is "in love" with him because she is scared to be alone, but she deserves to be treated like a princess- not used
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Old December 17th, 2012, 09:03 AM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: New, needing help

Welcome, Summersolstice.

I'm afraid that you won't be able to tell your mom your concerns without making her mad. She is a self-sufficient adult and gets to make bad choices if she wants to. You also shouldn't reward his bad behavior (not doing anything around the house) by saying you'd take over. Now he doesn't have to do anything and there will be no consequences for him.

Maybe the thing for you to do is start figuring out how you can move out. And set up your accounts so that he no longer has access to them - the fact that he used your money to attend trade school is wrong in all kinds of ways.
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Old December 17th, 2012, 09:11 AM
Summersolstice Summersolstice is offline
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Re: New, needing help

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Welcome, Summersolstice.

I'm afraid that you won't be able to tell your mom your concerns without making her mad. She is a self-sufficient adult and gets to make bad choices if she wants to. You also shouldn't reward his bad behavior (not doing anything around the house) by saying you'd take over. Now he doesn't have to do anything and there will be no consequences for him.

Maybe the thing for you to do is start figuring out how you can move out. And set up your accounts so that he no longer has access to them - the fact that he used your money to attend trade school is wrong in all kinds of ways.
Thanks- I agree about your point in rewarding his bad behavior, however it's not fair to an innocent animal to be cooped up in a room of the house and not taken on regular potty breaks. It literally blows my mind.

I know it'll make her mad, but I feel like she needs to snap out of it and tell him to get his act together.

I had moved out for 4 months when I couldn't surround myself with it anymore, and its just not an option- I cannot afford to be on my own, even with a roommate, because I'm only working 30 hrs a week while trying to finish school. I'm not sure what to do with myself in this transitional time. I fully support myself in her home- I obviously pay all my bills, help with expenses and buy my own food- which both him and her eat.

It's not fair that he only works 3 days a week, gets a 3 hour lunch break (which he sleeps the entire time-- it's called being an adult and being responsible...everyone would love to sleep all day but its not an option!) and cannot contribute to bills. He should feel so overwhelmingly guilty and do whatever she needs in my opinion.

In a perfect world I'd be able to afford living expenses on my own
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Old December 17th, 2012, 09:34 AM
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Re: New, needing help

In a perfect world, he wouldn't be mooching off your mom either. You're right it's not fair, but it's a situation she brought on herself and doesn't seem to want to change. She knows he's not contributing to the household. She just has other priorities, such as having a partner, that makes her willing to overlook them.

I don't blame you for being frustrated.
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Old December 17th, 2012, 10:25 AM
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Re: New, needing help

Talk to your mom about this guy. Tell her your concerns and your observations. Be cool about it. If your mom resists, gets upset, whatever... you've made your concerns known. That's planting a seed and seeds grow. You do, after all, live in the same house as your mother and Mr. Unmotivated.

You said your mom is educated, so she's no fool. Lonely, like you said... Yes.

Leave the dog poop - let Mr. Unmotivated clean it up. If he becoms a jerk - then leave. And hide your money. This guy's a thief too.
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Old December 17th, 2012, 11:28 AM
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Re: New, needing help

You are such a good girl caring and capable.
Your mum is terrified of being lonely.

i think the advice given here is excellent....don't clean up the poo or any of his
stuff..he saw an opportunity to move in and take over but there is nothing you can do
to make her see sense except tell her when you can and don't lose the head,,,keep calm till you can get out...i know though that you will be worried about her when you DO go

I'd be so proud of you as I know your mum must be.
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Old December 17th, 2012, 01:02 PM
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Re: New, needing help

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Originally Posted by Lizzie View Post
I'd be so proud of you as I know your mum must be.

I agree with Lizzie... I'd be pretty proud of you too. Seeing young people with the sense of responsibility you have is like a breath of fresh air. You'll go far in life and I'm sure someday you'll have a great family of your own.
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Old December 17th, 2012, 01:27 PM
Summersolstice Summersolstice is offline
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Re: New, needing help

Thank you guys- that means a lot.

I talked with her calmly and hinged the talk on my worry for her only. She told me to stop judging him and then went on a tale of excuses. He's sick (thats why he cant tend to dog??), he doesn't have insurance to get help, he wakes up at 5am for work.

All I said to end it, knowing my point went right over her head, was that she worked just as hard (harder) than him and you need time to rest too.

At that point she walked out of the room so I guess not much else to discuss. She knows my thoughts and I'm certain she knew how I felt all along.


I guess I do feel a little sorry for myself as well which adds to my frustration. If I had been the one without a job my Mom would have been livid. If I left dirty dishes all over and slept the day away I get yelled at.

Yet she's allowed these behaviors from him and provided him with everything.

Last edited by Summersolstice; December 17th, 2012 at 01:30 PM.
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Old December 18th, 2012, 05:15 AM
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Re: New, needing help

I think you did the right thing by communicating your concerns to your mother.

Hang in there.
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