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Old November 12th, 2012, 08:57 AM
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I'm at the end of my rope with my family! Help!

This is going to be very long, but I need to get it out.

For as long as I can remember, I have been at the center of every family feud, some how its always my mom and I against everybody else. Being that both my mom and dad were "wild children", the bar or achievement was set very low for me. Nobody even expected me to finish High School. This has caused me to live to constantly prove the family wrong, until one day I woke up and realized, hey, I'm a good kid and they can't deal with that. So EFF them.

Anyways, due to my availability, and my living situation, (my mom and I live with my aunt and grandmother) I am the primary caretaker for my 91 year old grandma. During this past summer, my grandma had a health scare, and I made the decision to take her to the doctor, who ended up sending us to the hospital. At the hospital, since I was the one who brought her in, the doctors and the nurses, decided they would be dealing with me mostly since I knew what was going on and why she was even brought in in the first place. Well since this one week stay in the hospital, everything has gotten worse. (Health wise my grandma is fine, family wise, I'm on the verge of never speaking to any of them again.)

While my grandma was in the hospital, I made arrangements with my job to be allowed to have my phone on me at all times because it was the only number my grandma knew off hand, and that if something was to happen, I was leaving and I will deal with everything when I came back to work, they gave me the okay, and my co-workers also helped me by being my rock and support because I was having issues at the hospital with other relatives. I would get out of work and head right over to the hospital and be with my grandma until the guards told me I had to leave. (The guards all knew who I was by the end of the week.)

Well anyways, we had planned trip to go to Atlantic City, and we were being told by other relatives to cancel the trip. But my grandma insisted we go. My mom and aunt decided they weren't going to do that and that since they had a brother and sister, that they can take care of their mom for the 2 nights we would be away. To this day we swear my grandma got bullied into calling us about how we should have never went away and that we need to come home.

Well that turned into a disaster. See as it turns out, my grandma tends to tell my aunt and her husband and my uncle and his wife and daughter things that in the end, make my mom, my aunt and me look very bad. Now my grandma is not abused by us, and she is taken very well care of. Its just every now and then, we do need the extra help from family, and we are not getting it.

Here is a prime example of what happens,
My grandma will call my uncle asking him a question, or she will ask him to come and sit with her while somebody (be it a repairman) comes to service the house. In return, my uncle will first yell about where I am that I am not taking care of this, and then my aunt (his wife) will call both my mom and my aunt screaming and yelling about where am I, and that my uncle is a very busy man and he doesn't have time to sit with my grandma and wait for a repair man. --- This argument has caused us to stop asking them for anything, and now my aunt (the one I live with) takes off from work if a repairman is coming and for some reason I can't be home.----

I can never ask my cousin for help, because according to her, "She needs her social life." (She's 22, doesn't work, and complains about everything) I once called her asking her to take grandma to an appointment, because I was at school and I had work the day of the appointment and wasn't able to take her, my cousin first told me she had no plans, but when I replied back about what I needed from her, she magically had plans. In the end, my mom ended up leaving work early to take her to the appointment.

I have three cousins who are all older and with children of their own. My grandma has seen her great grandchildren about a total of 8 times in the last 5 years, and that's not even once a year, that's within the 5 years. My grandma wasn't invited to the baby shower of one of my cousins because my cousin "didn't want to be upset by my grandma, and was worried that she would have to see me or my mom" My other cousin, just follows the crowd because she doesn't want to be in the middle, and their brother, I think he has done the smartest thing and went to the West Coast for school and stayed out there for the past 23 years but, of the three of them, I give him the most credit because when he comes East, he ALWAYS makes sure he stops in with his wife and kids to see my grandma.

None of my cousins call my grandma to see how she is doing, nor do they come and spend time with her. My cousin (the 22 year old) actually fights with her mom when her mom tells her to spend at least an hour with our grandma.

Since we aren't getting the help we need from the family, we decided to see if we could get her a full time aide. Well that hasn't been easy, everyone has been giving us hell about it, and now its my mom's brother and sister against my mom, my aunt and myself.

My uncle (the one married in) decided to call a "family meeting" to discuss my grandmother. Well this happened at a time when I was at work, and my mom pointed out that they can't have a family meeting without me, and she ended up walking out to go pick up my boyfriend from the airport. ( He was returning from a business trip.) She felt that he was more important, because he treats my grandma as if she was his grandma, and he helps us out a lot when it comes to taking care of her, more than my cousin who was at the meeting.

My aunt and mother are leaving for a cruise the Saturday after Thanksgiving, I made all the arrangements necessary so that I could take care of my grandmother. My boyfriend agreed to stay over to help me so I wouldn't have to worry about needing my uncle, his wife or my cousin. My aunt was so paranoid that I was going to call them asking for help that she called my aunt asking her to take my grandma for the week.

This has thrown me over the edge, because I work so hard to take care of my grandma, and I feel like its a slap in the face because my grandma is so desperate for attention from my aunt that she is actually going to my aunts house for the week.

I'm very tired of all this non sense, but I can't make my voice be heard because nobody wants to listen to me. I know exactly why to, because in the end, my cousins all look crappy and I don't and none of my aunts and uncles want that for their kids.

Here's a background on why I don't get along with some of my relatives.

My cousin (the 22 year old) - She is very jealous of me. Any time I do something, she freaks out and whines about things that I do. She copies me. (At this point I just don't even get mad, I just look at it as flattery) The biggest problem with me is that I have my own car and she doesn't. She tells people I'm like her big sister, but we have no relationship at all. I can't ask her for anything, and if I try to be nice to her, she swears that I am up to something. She got mad about the fact that I took the semester off from school, and I kept my word that I was going back, no matter what got in my way. She flipped out that when she got the iPhone, I got an android the following week (it wasn't by choice, my phone was broke).

My aunt (her mother/ my mom's sister in law) - She too is very jealous of me. She swears that I get everything handed to me and that my cousin is getting short changed because of it. She also thinks that I always have ulterior motives whenever I do something nice for my cousin. She is terrified that if I get close to my uncle, I would be the daughter that he doesn't have. Part of the reason I don't get along with my cousin is because my aunt gets involved in everything my cousin does, and if I am having a problem with my cousin, she adds fuel to the fire, instead of letting my cousin fight her own battles. She too is mad that I kept my word that I was going back to school after a semester off.

My aunt and uncle - My uncle likes to think that he is the boss of the family. He is a control freak. my aunt just follows him. He is actually really stupid but thinks that he's this brilliant wonderful man. He tries to tell us how things should be ran, and how my grandma's memory will come back to her. I used to go to lunch with them because they were always coming on days that I was home, but since all this happened, now they wont even face me.

I don't know what to do anymore and I can't make my voice be heard because they're all to busy trying to silence me.
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Old November 12th, 2012, 12:49 PM
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Re: I'm at the end of my rope with my family! Help!

My guess is that you can't make your voice heard because they all think of you as a child still.

I think you need to pull out of the dynamics. Frankly, it should be your mom and aunts and uncle asking people for help with their mom, not you. There should be a list of everything that needs to be done, and that list needs to be divvied up. If your aunts and uncle feel that you (because you live with your grandma) need to be doing the lion's share of the work, so be it. But at least, with a list, they'll know what all you do. Right now they probably have no idea how much you do, and they're taking advantage of you.

The next time someone complains about the way you do things or what you do, you ought to ask (nicely) if they think maybe it's time your grandmother got some professional full time care since it seems to be beyond your capabilities.

Start making a contingency plan to move out. You may not need to do that, but it'd be nice to be prepared just in case. You are being taken advantage of and taken for granted.

And stop telling the 22-yo cousin about your life if she's going to be so petty.
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