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Old October 20th, 2012, 07:55 PM
ecyinh ecyinh is offline
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Help, i can't help but hate my youngest brother.

Hi guys, I'm so glad i found out about this forum. The reason i came here is because I am beginning to resent my youngest brother very much, and at the same time beginning to resent my parents for not taking action on their adult child's behavior. Hopefully one of us here can shed some light on me, as i am coming to the point whereby i am cutting off ties with my family. I feel that this is unhealthy. I've prayed over and over to God to forgive me for hating my youngest brother and to make me accept him for who he is, but every single time i see him, i get into alergic mode. Anyway here is the scenario.

Dad bought a house here in Australia to let his three children to live in while he stays back in his homeland to continue his business. Me the eldest, my second brother and my youngest brother.
My youngest brother is a very irresponsible person. He is always gas lighting whenever confronted with his mistakes, never owning up to his own mistakes and has a passive aggresive personality. He only cares about how beautiful or cool he looks, what he wears, his people who surrounds him thinks he is charming and behind close doors he is a completely different person. He frequently leaves front door unlock and not even close whenever he gets back home late. When confronted he will answer rudely and make it seems like it is no big deal when everyone was sleeping through the night with the front door wide open. I find him so rotten i am extremely allergic to him. I'm not sure is it because my parents have spoilt him rotten but here is my long list that i am going to post it here, and hope you all have input on this because i think i'm about to lose my mind but my family member thinks i'm overeacting and tells me that i should just let him be, it's okay and it's alright.
I have already spoken to my father over and over how my youngest brother behaves. But it somehow seems my father does not take this seriously. It is as if he does not believe me and continuously feeding and contributing more supply like money to my brother. Please help.

Anyway here is a the description of my youngest brother.
What i need from the public is advice on how to make my parents realize what situation i am in or perhaps advice me what i went wrong, or what i can do for myself. My brother is now 23 years old. (2012) He is jobless almost his whole life and can't keep jobs for a long period of time giving a lot of excuses. One of it is because, too hard work.

Year 2006(Age 17)
==========
-Filmed himself tongue kissing his Vietnamese girlfriend for about 5 minutes. I accidently found out when his phone alarm kept making noise and when i tried to turn it off somehow got the video played.
-Brought a Hong Kong girl back home at the age of 17 to sleep in the bedroom to have sex.
-Go out for days, and parents still gave him money when i advice them not to.

2009/10(Age 20)
====
-Unable to manage own bedroom, his clothes, things were all over the floor no one could even walk, he had to literally step on his clothes to walk in. Thus he migrates into parents room and also jumble everything up.
-Constantly leave water flushed running due to rushing to press the flush and rushing to play back his computer game. Constantly wasting water.
-Constantly forgetting and leaving outdoor lights turned on at night, because smoking and leaving cigarette butts half burnt on the bench, sometimes fire was even forgot to be put off burning the bench itself.
-Brought a china girl to sleep with at home at the age of twenty.
-Brought his china girlfriend home and sleep on parents bed.
-He then was chased out for his behaviour and made to live outside.
-Self registered to got married without family consent.
-Given a brand new 17000 dollars car, 6 months later, forge my mother's signature, and trade in for a 2nd hand car and cash.

2011
====
-Father given money for his expenses and his newly wife and he barely survived.
-Credit card theft on my mother's credit card for purpose of gambling.
My mom and i only found out when she lodged a complaint to the bank and the bank stated that it was used for a gambling website which was tracked back to our home ip address.
-He has sold almost everything he was given like his electric guitar, guitar amp, touch screen laptop which was all present to him from my parents.
-Mother had to pay up debts to the casino as he had debts of about a few thousand which he was to be brought to court and jailed if not paid up.
-Requested my father for a brand new laptop, excuse was for university but in truth was because his old computer broke down due to his irresponsibility and the purpose of the laptop was for gaming.

2012
=====
-Father given money for his university fee but he instead purchased a brand new "Desktop" computer. I don't know why my father gave him cash money.
-Use parents car without permission.
-Crashed the Toyota Camry bumper. Was brought for fixing, costed 700 dollars.
-His china girl wife got sick of him and left him because of his terrible behavior and he was fooling outside with another girl. We also believe the reason she left him was because she got her permanent residence of Australia through my youngest brother marriage.
-He and the ex wife are in process of divorce. Papers not sign yet.
-Finds a new mistress and brings home when told not to do so.
-Cursing and swearing the F word to parents in front of people when in confrontation.
-Bringing out knife twice when i confront him with his bad behaviour and attitude. I'm not even sure if my parents have warned him or dicipline him.
-Bringing stranger to stay over and sometimes his guest sleeps in his room while he is not even at home. Utilizing electricity on heating when our family strive to save.
-Back mostly only after 12pm, sometimes noisy, possibly drunk disturbing people's sleep.
-Always having take aways and fast food in the fridge like Mc Donalds everytime! When we offer him healthy cooked food he is arrogant to tell people off to eat it themselves. Mind you he is jobless. So I'm wondering where he got all those money to eat all this takeaway.
-Was warned not to bring his new mistress to stay over but continuously doing disregard how other people feel. House had no privacy.
-Noisy during sleeping hours together with his mistress. Both playing games, chatting on the phone or with each other 3,4,5 am.
-Spilt liquor in the piano room's carpet and using the piano key cover to wipe the mess, was told to wash and clean it but as soon as he got back, went straight into the bedroom with his mistress disregarding what he is suppose to be responsible for.
-Stubbornly allowing his mistress to utilize electricity at peak time when already being educated and told about electricity cost timing. I end up having to speak to his mistress personally to educate about the cost graph timeline. That this family only utilize highly usage of electricity during non peak hours.
-Constantly washing bed sheet after the both of them sleep overnight every stay.
Mind you my brother is a very dirty person and hardly washes anything but when the girl comes over they wash their bed sheet 7 days in a row.
-Left washed clothes undried for 2 weeks. Clothes left scattered in laundry room to be washed since early october.
-Because he forgot to dry his clothes which was left for 2 weeks and found them smelly, he just threw them in the rubbish bin,they were still looking good, a small face towel, a levis long sleve black shirt looking brand new, 2 of his sweater, a jacket, an underwear, a pants and a pair of socks.
-Stole a bottle of wine from my parents bedroom and place it openly on his computer table.
-Took out another 2 bottle of champange from my parents bedroom and accidenlty left it under the dining table. I asked my 2nd brother was it his, he said it was the youngest brother, and he said that he wanted to drink. He was on my youngest brother side. But i knew he actually planed to bring it out to party with other people.

I really really hate my brother so much. My sleep is mostly disturbed by him, I've spoken to him a couple of times nicely, my second brother has also warned him about his disturbance. I really hate this new girl he brings home, i find her disgusting. They both had a fake flower tattoo in front of their chest and when i saw it i want to vomit.
My 2nd brother thinks i am a big complainer and a nosy person. I really hate my family member because they are starting to make me feel like I'm the not being tolerant.

I like keeping house organize and clean up but with my youngest brother behaving this way, i have started not caring about the house well being anymore, i only focus my own bedroom and it has come to the point i don't even feel like coming out. Seeing him makes me so sick.

Someone please give some advice.. i feel like i hate my family to the extreme. Any opinion thanks in advance. I'll listen with an open mind, thanks in advance.
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Old October 20th, 2012, 09:12 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Help, i can't help but hate my youngest brother.

Well, I find your youngest brother's behavior pretty disgusting too, but the sad news is (as maybe you're learning) that you can't change him. Your parents are enabling him to be irresponsible. You can not convince them to do otherwise.

Is there any way you can move out? You should not have to tolerate this behavior, and it's the only way I can see out of having to deal with it.

About the only advice I have to offer is to realize that you are beating your head against a wall. You can not change your brother or your parents. You are only in control of your own behavior. You need to stop keeping score for your own sanity. No matter how much you try to teach your brother to do better, he won't do better because he doesn't care. You can't make him care. He hasn't gotten a life lesson from the school of hard knocks yet.

Try to figure out a way financially to move out. Maybe your middle brother will move out with you and share expenses.
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Old November 7th, 2012, 04:23 PM
ecyinh ecyinh is offline
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Re: Help, i can't help but hate my youngest brother.

I guess i am going to have to admit that you are right. The only person who i can change is me, and not others. Was very hard to swallow but i am slowly learning to accept that and change myself.

Well, will it be too far if i keep my boundaries from him to the point, not wanting to have to sit down and talk at all? I really cannot stand him, i don't think i can even sit down together with him with my parents for a meal. I really cannot bring myself to do that anymore. However, I just somehow feel guilty, is it a sin to feel this way. I don't hate him anymore, i just really don't want to have anything to do with him. He is so disrespectful and arrogant one minute, and the next he can be like a charming person. He's proud and speaks out loud he has friends, and mock me saying i have nobody. My friends are all back in my home country who has proper lives not out there busy trying to get drinks to get into girls pants and smoking all the time

By the way, 2 weeks ago, he just crashed his girlfriend's car and he was at fault. Heard it is going to cost him 4 grand and he doesn't even have a job. One week later when he was on his way for his first day of work, his car got crashed but it was the other parties fault. Call it shocking? I don't even know what to feel anymore. Sadly i don't even feel sorry for him, i do pity him of how unorganized and irresponsible he is but i don't think there is anyone but God who can help him. I'd rather help the poor or those in pain and need rather than helping my brother. Am i a terrible person? Let you guys out there be the judge.
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Old November 7th, 2012, 04:46 PM
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Re: Help, i can't help but hate my youngest brother.

Well, I'm not comfortable being the judge, but I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do. It isn't "helping" someone to allow them to continue such destructive behavior.

I really think you're doing the right thing by backing off and letting him become someone else's problem. You are too young to be saddled with the burden of a bottomless pit of need.

Are your parents still living in a different country? I was confused about that. The thing I worry about is whether or not your parents will hold you responsible for your younger brother's behavior. If you worry that that might be the case, I'd make sure to tell them - in writing and keeping the evidence - everytime he does something that is a lie to your parents. The housekeeping and girlfriend stuff, your parents can't control from another country. But they can (and won't) stop giving him money. I'd make sure it was very clear and defendable that you made them aware of his behavior and they did nothing. They are enabling his behavior and THEY need to take responsibility for that.

Have you given any thought to how you might move out and free yourself of this leech?
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Old November 8th, 2012, 12:16 PM
ecyinh ecyinh is offline
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Re: Help, i can't help but hate my youngest brother.

Hi Kaykay, you don't know me in yet you have really given much support i needed from your words. Yes i have given thought about what you said regarding finding my own place. I totally think you have given me a very good idea and I'm dying to find my own place now. Am trying to save up now to ensure that i can find a comfortable place. The thing is i am only eligible to work 20 hours per week by law. I don't have a problem trying to work more or harder but it is due to my resident status in this country that is causing me to not get those hours. My youngest brother was lucky, he somehow got permanent residency due to the application requirement during that time, it's kinda long for me to explain but yeah. I believe part of the reason why he is kind of cocky is also due to what he got, but he totally abused it.

I lost my job again recently, i don't think people will believe my story, but all three companies that i have worked for, i've only manage to stay for a few months, because they always had to shutdown because the company was not making money. Basically I was always hired to jobs to clean up or put the company to a close. People who were close to me were shocked, and those who are suppose to hire me wonders why i can't keep my job, thinking i might have a problem. I'm a very hard working person, i think sometimes i work to hard i neglected my own health and needs. I really wish i could buy a tiny little house just for myself, i used to think of luxuries life or luxuries home, i used to be afraid of living alone, but now i'm dying to live by myself and nobody else. It is going to be tough road, but i'm not going to give up.

I've lived with other housemates back when i was in college, it was a horrible experience. Funny thing was, i am a male, and i lived with my close buddy whom we shared a house to rent together with his girlfriend, his gf older sister and 2 other females.
Kitchen sink was filled with dishes till it flooded and the color of the water was like mud, it would pile up for 2 nights, till it got stuck, i had to repair it. The girls gets the master bedroom but even their toilet in their master bedroom's sink got clog with hair and i had to help them fix it. Their bath tub and toilet floor were so clog up their bathroom was flooded. Mind you these girls were very very popular, pretty and men would face their head towards them whenever they are outdoors. Floor was full of dust and hair, i ended up cleaning the house all alone. There was damage to the property and i ended up losing my bond, i really got told off by my mom and i told my friend it was unfair but i just couldn't not get myself involve with it. Thus i lost my bond money and got really screwed up.

Another place i stayed was so filthy i don't think anyone could have survived. You get people smoking in the bedroom, i had to tell the guy off, smokes in the toilet, no one wants to clean the toilet, dinning plates were left for days flies were infesting in the kitchen, dinning table wasn't even wiped and left with all the spaggeti sauce, etc. 3-4am you get loud bangs from the doors when they have to go to toilet or etc. Bringing people over to party which you don't even know. Girl's period pads were piling up in the bin in the toilet until it was even on the toilet floor. It was so disgusting to the point that i just got so sick of it i had to bring it out myself.
So there you go, i really had an extremely terrible experience, i admit i am very worried with staying with other people. It seriously makes me sick.
I am thinking to myself, what is happening to all these new modern people.

As for my parents, in the beginning, I have told them that if they were to allow him to come back to live together that he should respect me and follow house rules. My father blindly lets him come back (yes they both are still overseas) and my youngest brother gave no trouble for the first 2 weeks and suddenly everything was all planed, he just wanted to have a nicer looking place so that he can bring his mistress over to stay over every now and then and do all the above that i have posted from my first message.

I told my mom very firmly and clearly, that he is no more my responsibility and they both are enabling him and spoiling him. My mother thinks I'm wrong. Telling me that my youngest brother is a difficult person and she tells me just mind my own business. In yet, she tells me to cook food at home and encourage him to eat my healthy food. The last call i talked to her, i asked her why did she allowed my father to make my second brother give him money, i told her she is behaving exactly like my grandmother, telling my father to give money to my uncle(my father's younger brother, he was an extremely cruel person for tricking my grandmother signature to transfer the property name of a 4 story goldsmith shop house including the business and left my grandmother without a penny, it got into the court case but my uncle hired a famous lawyer which win many cases for crooks, my grandmother's children just gave up fighting in court because they knew, it would just suck all their finance dry)
My mom got mad for me confronting her, telling me I am not her FATHER, and that she is far away from us and that it is not her problem because she is not there with us and keep telling me i got a big mouth for bringing the subject up about my mother being mad with my father that time for giving money to his younger brother. I never talked to her again, this was 3 months ago.

As for my father, he tells me to treat my brother gently ,nice and help him if he is in trouble. I've told him he is so rude and arrogant, how am i going to help him if he does not first respect and listen to me. Now i'm not even sure if i have my own sanity. I am so mad inside, sooo extremely worked up i really don't want to meet any single person in my family. I know i am not perfect, everyone has problems, but my anger starts to grow more and more each day.

The idea of moving out with my second brother was really good but i am uncomfortable building a in-law relationship with her. I am so disgusted with my second brother and find him so dumb and blind to what he see's in his wife. We come from a proper family, none of our cousins who are mostly female, they are conservative, in yet, my sister inlaw has a big tatoo behind her neck, smokes, drinks, she even cheated on my brother kissing another guy when they got married, my parents dislike her, she has no respect, doesn't even come out when we have family dinner, my 2nd brother calls her to come out but she refuses, she is stubborn, repeatedly tell her smart ways to conserve electricy, water, hygiene but continuously letting herself repeat the mistakes, goes out middle of the night in front of my parents. She cursed foul language at my brother before and hit him on his head with a hanger. My 2nd brother kicked her out of the house for 2 weeks, decided he had enough with her, she begged him back, attempt to kill herself and my brother happily accepted her back. I ask him why, he had a smile on his face telling me, she tried to kill herself.
I mean, come on, what a ****ed up family i got.

Gosh, i am venting so much now i sound like a freaking monster.
Soooo frustrated!!!!!!!!!
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Old November 10th, 2012, 02:22 PM
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Re: Help, i can't help but hate my youngest brother.

so let me get this straight

- your last 3 jobs were at places that were going out of business?

if so, on applications you could put reason for no losger there "went out of business"


if you were let go due to budget cutbacks, you could say that
ex "due to budget cuts, I was let go as I was the newest hire"


have you tried working in a restaraunt?
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