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Old December 16th, 2016, 12:40 PM
slr0031 slr0031 is offline
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Hard time of year

Hello all,

How are you? i hope everybody is doing good this holiday season. Am doing good here and came on for support and to vent. Sorry!

My dad sent a couple hundred in an amazon card and an email saying he and wife and daughter love and miss us and that he hopes we can all get together in 2017. I responded with thanking him and will also send a gift card. I am feeling very angry at him and also guilty because it is Christmas.

The last time he called me was mid July. He let me know that I should return call to his daughter, my half sister, who called while I was in hospital giving birth to our third child and I had not called back. I have not talked to her since my Grandfather's funeral 2 years ago. My dad also brought up bringing his wife with him to visit which we have talked about more than a few times and I said no. He came up north and drove by our house, about an hour away, in Aug and didn't tell me he was coming. He lives down south. I called him in Sep on his birthday. He emailed me a few weeks later asking us to come for Thanksgiving to which I said we had plans, which we did. Have not heard from him since and I chose to not call on Thanksgiving.

I am angry he has not seen our 7 month old son and has no plans to do so. I am angry he came up north and didn't bother telling me. He didn't visit when I was pregnant ether. He thinks we with our 3 kids, 1 who is a baby should have driven 10 hours to his house after I have told him numerous times I need to stay in a hotel if we are ever to do that and he acts as if I am horrible. It also did not matter that we moved here last year and this aug my MIL passed away. So there has been a lot going on! He does this almost every year. I am ostersized to about Christmas or my birthday and then he sends a gift because he feels guilty. He acts like him not talking to me or visiting is my fault. I am truly the scapegoat of my family.
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Old December 16th, 2016, 05:12 PM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
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Re: Hard time of year

Im sorry I can only say Im really happy I dont have any family. I havent for most of my life as they are all very disfunctional. All hubbies family are overseas miles away, so we have a simple life with just a small handful of friends....I feel for people who have family problems at Xmas,I do.
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Old December 16th, 2016, 08:56 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Hard time of year

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Originally Posted by slr0031 View Post
I am feeling very angry at him and also guilty because it is Christmas. I am angry he has not seen our 7 month old son and has no plans to do so.
Welcome back slr0031. You have a safe place to vent here, and people who care about you.

Do you think it's time to see a counselor? I'm concerned that you are still stuck in your anger after all of this time. I think you see clearly what is happening, yet you still "accept" his punishment because you want badly to have a loving relationship with your father. When you first started posting here, you were concerned for your children, as they had a loving relationship with their grandfather. Do you still feel that way?
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Old December 17th, 2016, 06:07 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Hard time of year

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Do you think it's time to see a counselor? I'm concerned that you are still stuck in your anger after all of this time.
I'm going to second the idea of a counselor. It's very easy to be stuck because you are at a stalemate in this relationship-- nothing has changed. Instead of waiting for movement on your father's end, work on getting yourself in a better spot. Maybe you can work on adjusting to a "long distance" relationship with your father which will alleviate all of the pressure of visits.

You have friends here. I hope this Christmas gives you moments of peace with your growing family. ((hugs))
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Old December 20th, 2016, 05:45 AM
slr0031 slr0031 is offline
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Re: Hard time of year

Yes I agree it is time I find I counselor. I try to deal with it on my own but it is very hard. I am not angry all the time but it is very painful and I sometimes feel very angry about it. Especially this time of year. I wish if he isn't going to talk to me that he would stop sending gifts. I guess that is the only way he knows how to keep in touch because if you stop sending a Christmas gift you are truly estranged. I don't even know if it is appropriate that I accept them. I wrote a check to him but didn't make it for the exact amount so it is not quite like i am rejecting his gift but it is kind of what I am doing, giving it back. I know I keep saying the same things over and over but they never stop. I don't know if we will ever be on good terms again. i don't know if I can forgive him for not seeing our baby. I think by the time he is good and ready he will be over a year or older. I didn't quite expect him to do this and my trust in him and in having somewhat of a good relationship with him is gone. I don't want to be stuck in anger but the situation keeps on getting worse. So yes I need somebody to talk to about it to help me cope with it. Even if I can see that person sporadically when a situation arises. KayKay I am concerned about my children. Always about the way it is affecting them. My daughter brought him up a couple times last summer and I finally told her gently that Grandpa isn't always nice to mommy but it has nothing to do with her and he loves and misses her very much. He doesn't call or visit because he is mad at me. And I feel so guilty about that. I do not want them to be hurt.
It has to be very confusing for them but I try not to focus on it. I know she/they have been sad at times but he also has barely been in their life in the last 5 years.

Last edited by slr0031; December 20th, 2016 at 05:48 AM.
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Old December 20th, 2016, 08:39 AM
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Re: Hard time of year

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Originally Posted by slr0031 View Post
Especially this time of year. I wish if he isn't going to talk to me that he would stop sending gifts. I guess that is the only way he knows how to keep in touch because if you stop sending a Christmas gift you are truly estranged. I don't even know if it is appropriate that I accept them.
I understand this. I was in the same position. My ILs refused to have anything to do with me, but they sent Christmas cards and birthday cards. DH tried to give them back with "Either you're in or your out," but SIL intercepted the message and DH couldn't go through with it. He gave the cards to my children. My own cards I burned. I felt like they were poking me every time they sent them. Then someone very wise told me that maybe I should look at the blessing and not the insult. That helped.

Quote:
I think by the time he is good and ready he will be over a year or older. I didn't quite expect him to do this and my trust in him and in having somewhat of a good relationship with him is gone.
My ILs waited until they were all dying off, a good 10 years after DD was born, before they decided to forgive me. There is no relationship because of the broken trust. Neither my DH nor my ILs want to do the work required to repair the relationship. They think "blood" is enough.

Quote:
KayKay I am concerned about my children. Always about the way it is affecting them. My daughter brought him up a couple times last summer and I finally told her gently that Grandpa isn't always nice to mommy but it has nothing to do with her and he loves and misses her very much. He doesn't call or visit because he is mad at me. And I feel so guilty about that. I do not want them to be hurt.
It has to be very confusing for them but I try not to focus on it. I know she/they have been sad at times but he also has barely been in their life in the last 5 years.
I know you addressed this to KayKay, but I'm replying because I so understand this! Two of my children were older and had a relationship with their grandparents. They were hurt by the rejection. I told them the truth, too: the ILs hate me. And I told them why, at age appropriate levels, when they asked why. They didn't really need much explanation, though, because they witnessed a lot of the IL behavior.

I suspect my ILs thought the boys would come around when they turned 18. They were sadly mistaken. They don't really care to begin a relationship now. They moved past it because I did not make it a big deal. I eventually stopped being angry about it.

I hope your DF decides to put in the work to repair the relationship. He will be the one to lose out in the end.
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