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Other friendships Best friends, ex-friends, or any other friends

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  #11  
Old February 24th, 2012, 06:59 PM
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Re: Boyfriend's bad friends.

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Originally Posted by lesigh View Post
Yeah, I've gotten to the point where I cannot tolerate his friends any longer. They bring me down and depress me to the point where I can't really be the person I want to be. The ultimatum would come from the fact that I won't tolerate them ANY LONGER so he can choose me or them. I mean, we are in our 30s and are talking about getting married. I thought that I'd mean more to him than friends who are horrible to him. I don't get it.

- hon... he's in his 30s ... he's not going to change sorry.... I've been there ... if you can't accept him as he is, then its time to drop the rope/"fish" somewhere else

((hugs))

think of it this way ... is this the kind of man (with nothing changed) you'd want as an example for your kids
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  #12  
Old February 24th, 2012, 07:26 PM
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Re: Boyfriend's bad friends.

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Originally Posted by lesigh View Post
I agree that in a healthy mature relationship, each individual absolutely is allowed to choose their own friends, but when those choices negatively affect the other party, as in choosing to have negative destructive people in their life (which means they are also drawn into my life) it is another story.
Yes, exactly!! lesigh, I kind of get the feeling that you think we don't understand your position. I can't speak for the others, but speaking for myself, I DO!! I really, really DO!!

I understand that his friends are destructive. I understand that you can't allow yourself to be around them anymore. I understand that you love him and don't want him to be around them anymore. I agree with you that friends should be empowering and supportive. I think you are absolutely, 100% correct!

I'm going to requote your statement that I quoted above and add some highlights:
Quote:
Originally Posted by lesigh View Post
I agree that in a healthy mature relationship, each individual absolutely is allowed to choose their own friends, but when those choices negatively affect the other party, as in choosing to have negative destructive people in their life (which means they are also drawn into my life) it is another story.
What I propose to you is that if your BF is involved in negative friendships which negatively affect you, maybe you aren't involved in a healthy, mature relationship. Please believe - I'm not knocking your BF. I don't even know him. And I'm not saying you don't love him, because I can tell you do. What I'm trying to say is that in a healthy, mature relationship you and your BF would both be watching out for each other's happiness and growth. You are watching out for his... does he just not notice that his friends negatively affect yours?


Quote:
Originally Posted by lesigh View Post
By asking if I am allowed to ask him to distance himself from them is that basically otherwise he will lose me. I really don't feel I have a choice. This isn't like tolerating some annoying habit out of love for someone, these people are having a complete and total negative effect on my day-to-day life. If they were my friends, I'd welcome the ultimatum. I'd want him to point out how very bad they were being to me and get me away from them out of love both for me and for himself.
I understand and agree. If you don't feel you have a choice, then you don't have a choice. However, as Lucy said earlier, beware of ultimatums. Some people (me for example) don't react well to them. Maybe you've said, but I don't remember: Have you talked to him about his friends? What have you said, and how has he responded?
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  #13  
Old February 24th, 2012, 08:11 PM
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Re: Boyfriend's bad friends.

One more question. Are you comfortable leaving him if it comes down to it?
Do you see yourself with him in 20 years?
Wait, that was 2 questions.
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  #14  
Old February 27th, 2012, 08:34 AM
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Re: Boyfriend's bad friends.

He's a man and he's going to have to be the one to make the decision about his friends.

Just like you're going to have to be the one to decide if he's the man you want to marry, have children with and live with until you get old and die. Nobody's perfect, but no matter how hard you try, you can't fix him. Only he can do that.

I know a woman who has some undisireable friends. I asked her once why she liked to hang out with meatheads. She told me that when she does she knows she's the smartest person at the table. Unfortunately she had a kid by one of them and he ended up doing time for selling prescription drugs to a cop. Guess she hung around them just a wee bit to long.

I don't know anything about your man, but being treated poorly by your friends and tolerating it is not good (healthy). Personally, I think there are some underlying issues why he is accepting of that treatment. I can only speak for myself and there isn't a beating heart on this planet that's going to use me as a doormat and be called my friend.

I wish you the best.
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