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Old November 18th, 2017, 11:44 AM
SarcasmAndRainbows SarcasmAndRainbows is offline
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53 year old mom acts like defiant spoiled teenager

Figured I would try this here too.

My mom is 53 and just moved back in with her mom, my grandmother.

A little back history my moms been a single mom with little involvement from either my father or my brothers. She’s used this as a “disability” and a reason for her parents to help her financially, not just here or there but her whole entire life up to present day.

We are both grown at this point, I’m 28 and he’s 23 but she has yet to go back to work, I haven’t lived with her since I was 21 and my brother has been moved out for almost a year now. She’s had the ability to go back to work since we were teens and no longer required constant supervision.

Her excuses now are that she’s too fat, doesn’t have teeth (she would spend money given to fix them on other things and never took care of herself) and also that at this point she could never go back to working for someone.

She’s been living with my grandmother since August now and my grandmother is pretty unhappy.

My mom rarely cleans and asking her to clean results in her yelling, screaming and name calling.
My mom rarely helps my grandmother with the things she needs help with like changing her sheets, washing clothes and meal prep since my grandmother is 78/79.
She brought our family dog with her that we got when I was 17 and doesn’t bathe him enough or sweep up his hair enough. My grandmother has had dogs before but she keeps her house clean. As do I and one of my dogs is 101lbs and sheds like a mofo. We even bought her a Kong scrubby, dog shampoo and a $40 brush. She doesn’t use them.
Her room is always gross.
She stays up all hours of the night in her room playing video games on her computer. Either laughing loudly or cussing at people.
Not to mention she lives on a diet of Mountain Dew and Advil.

It’s like dealing with a defiant 14 year old boy.

My grandmother can’t make her listen and she treats me like absolute crap because my grandmother loves spending time with me.

My grandmother doesn’t ask for much. She wants the kitchen kept clean, her stuff cleaned once a week like her room and sheets and wants the dog hair kept up. It’s really not a lot. Like maybe 2-3 hours of work maybe 2 days a week.

My mom has always had everything paid for her. Rent, food, cell phones, whatever she needed her parents have paid for.

Right now my grandmother is supplying shelter, food, let’s my mom use the cable and internet free of charge and my moms dad is still paying for her phone, her car insurance, registration, gas, etc.

If she can’t fix her life I think she needs to at least fix her attitude. She calls her mom a “slave driver” because she wants light cleaning done. She gets hostile and screams as loud as she can at people. Blame everyone for her issues and habitually lies. She told my grandmother because she was angry at me that years ago my boyfriend and I went to sex parties, when in reality we were with friends smoking marijuana and drinking. Which isn’t unusual for two twenty somethings to go do. She told the whole family that once left a Waffle House with a strange man and went home with him. I had my friends drop me off at my boyfriends after grabbing food. She’s always tried to make me out to be as if I don’t have my crap together.

She really needs to be more grateful for all she had paid for her and she needs to stop being so hostile to everyone in the family.

We suspect mental illness but can’t make her see a doctor and have no idea what specifically is her issue. Luckily she doesn’t drink or use drugs so I feel pretty fortunate at least we aren’t dealing with substance abuse issues as well. She does smoke cigarettes. I don’t even know where to start but something has to give because my mom can’t keep sucking her parents dry like she is.
I also, as time goes on, have more and more difficulty hiding my anger and annoyance towards her behavior.

Has anyone dealt with anyone like this before and what can be done?
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Old November 18th, 2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: 53 year old mom acts like defiant spoiled teenager

I'm not sure where to start. I hope others have something good to tell you.

The only thing I know for sure is that the problem is really your grandmother's. You can't solve it unless you have your mom move in with you... and I wouldn't suggest that.

Truthfully, your grandparent needs to stop enabling this and set boundaries. I can understand supplying a place to live and food, because those are basic necessities. But cell phone? Car insurance? Money for cigarettes? The problem is that it's up to them to decide if they want to keep enabling it or not. It's their money and their lives she's disrupting. Your only option is to keep your distance.

Can you take in the dog? That's about the only thing I can think of that you can do that would be helpful.
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Old November 18th, 2017, 12:11 PM
SarcasmAndRainbows SarcasmAndRainbows is offline
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Re: 53 year old mom acts like defiant spoiled teenager

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I'm not sure where to start. I hope others have something good to tell you.

The only thing I know for sure is that the problem is really your grandmother's. You can't solve it unless you have your mom move in with you... and I wouldn't suggest that.

Truthfully, your grandparent needs to stop enabling this and set boundaries. I can understand supplying a place to live and food, because those are basic necessities. But cell phone? Car insurance? Money for cigarettes? The problem is that it's up to them to decide if they want to keep enabling it or not. It's their money and their lives she's disrupting. Your only option is to keep your distance.

Can you take in the dog? That's about the only thing I can think of that you can do that would be helpful.
I kinda feel it is my business. My grandmother is a kind and giving woman and my mom is manipulative and hostile. My grandmother had 6 bypasses and has had two small strokes.

I’m the only one to stand up and advocate for her and I feel like she isn’t capable of doing what needs to be done. She’s even said before she’s afraid of my mom and how she acts.

My mother bear instincts have kicked in.

My grandmother is my best friend and we’re super close so I’m always over at her house or spending time with her.

My grandparents are divorced and have been divorced since my mom was 10. They don’t talk much.

No I can’t take the dog in. I have two dogs as it is and my big dog does not like my moms dog. I’m afraid my dog would tear him to pieces. My moms dog is older, has no personal space etiquette and has been bitten before by my dog. He just gets up in other dogs faces too much.
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Old November 18th, 2017, 12:19 PM
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Re: 53 year old mom acts like defiant spoiled teenager

My grandmother also told me if that if my mom gets too bad she’ll have to send her to live with me.
It won’t be easy living with me, not at all.

I’d be a tyrant. Her computer wouldn’t have access after 10pm because I refuse to be kept up. She’d have to do dishes and chores in order to obtain the WiFi password, which I would have to change all the time. She’d have to keep her dog in her bedroom.
And if she wanted to eat my groceries she’d have to cook the meals.

I’d straight up be savage and have zero mercy.
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Old November 18th, 2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: 53 year old mom acts like defiant spoiled teenager

My advice is don't do it! It sounds like hell. Have you tried calling elder services?

BTW, my mom lives with me....
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Old November 18th, 2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: 53 year old mom acts like defiant spoiled teenager

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Originally Posted by SarcasmAndRainbows View Post
I kinda feel it is my business. My grandmother is a kind and giving woman and my mom is manipulative and hostile. My grandmother had 6 bypasses and has had two small strokes.

I’m the only one to stand up and advocate for her and I feel like she isn’t capable of doing what needs to be done. She’s even said before she’s afraid of my mom and how she acts.
Okay, I hadn't realized your grandmother had health issues and had asked for your help.

I don't have any good ideas. snafu suggested elder services, which may be a good place to get advice.

The thing I worry about with having her move in with you is that it doesn't solve your mom's problems. Your mom is young enough to learn to live independently and should be doing so. She will never get younger. You want to solve your grandmother's problems by having them become your problems. Yes, you will be better able to stand up to your mom and set boundaries, but your mom will still be having someone pay her rent, etc.

What do you want for your life five years from now? ten years? If you get transferred for work, will your mom come too? If you get married, will your mom move in with you? If you have children, will you want them raised with your mom in the house?

I guess your grandmother living with you is out of the question?
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Old November 18th, 2017, 02:18 PM
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Re: 53 year old mom acts like defiant spoiled teenager

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Okay, I hadn't realized your grandmother had health issues and had asked for your help.

I don't have any good ideas. snafu suggested elder services, which may be a good place to get advice.

The thing I worry about with having her move in with you is that it doesn't solve your mom's problems. Your mom is young enough to learn to live independently and should be doing so. She will never get younger. You want to solve your grandmother's problems by having them become your problems. Yes, you will be better able to stand up to your mom and set boundaries, but your mom will still be having someone pay her rent, etc.

What do you want for your life five years from now? ten years? If you get transferred for work, will your mom come too? If you get married, will your mom move in with you? If you have children, will you want them raised with your mom in the house?

I guess your grandmother living with you is out of the question?
I moved out to Nashville from Denver back in 2013 because she was having trouble back then taking care of her mom who passed away this last March.

I’ve always been a bigger help than my mom.

I actually thought she would help her mom once she came out here but I’m still asked all the time to run to the store or to bring her food.

No living with me isn’t possible. Again the dog, he’s really big and he could and has knocked her over before. We’re waiting till we can put a tiny house on whatever property I live on for her so she can maintain independence but also easily join us for meals and to drop off laundry. I want to get her a golf cart to go back and forth.
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Old November 18th, 2017, 06:04 PM
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Re: 53 year old mom acts like defiant spoiled teenager

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Originally Posted by snafu View Post
My advice is don't do it! It sounds like hell. Have you tried calling elder services?

BTW, my mom lives with me....
No. My grandmother is in between she doesn’t need someone there all day. She just needs a kind family member to make sure she has food made for her 3x a day and a few chores done.

Other than that she’s still mobile, she drives, has a wheel chair for the grocery store and etc. Shes still pretty independent m.
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Old November 19th, 2017, 02:21 PM
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Re: 53 year old mom acts like defiant spoiled teenager

I meant to help with the issues of your mom living there....
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