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Old November 14th, 2018, 07:50 AM
lilly210 lilly210 is offline
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Brother not there

Hi everyone-
My brother for many years now has not really stayed connected to our family. It's a long story so, just a heads up. He broke up with his ex-girlfriend and it has to do with some sort of physical and emotional abuse. He won't really take about it all the time. All I remember is that he was very unhappy in the relationship and end up having kid. During that time when she (Mary) was pregnant, my brother (Thomas) and her were all living in my Mother's house. My other brother (Albert) and his girlfriend (Suzy) was also. Stuff were started to disappear at my Mom's house. Extra change that was inside of candy dish, jewelry, Mom's designer purse and etc. Didn't know who did it or what happened. Found out $1k was missing from Albert's room and they had a glue who did it. Confronted Mary and Albert threaten to call the cops and that's when she confessed and gave the money back.

The next day, Mary didn't say a word and pregnant decided to go back to Oregon. Thomas was sad of course and manages to convince her to come back and they end up getting an apartment. It was good and peaceful for awhile. Thought maybe they just needed their own space.

Until one day, Thomas met a new girl. She didn't work and just got out of a divorce and child is taken care of by her former husband. He found the courage to leave Mary and want to be his own man and make his own decisions. So, my parents welcomed him back home and the siblings helped him with moving back and getting back up and running again. Parents gave him a grace period and he had to pay rent after 3 months. Thomas was staying with my parents for awhile and there were plans of getting custody of his son and other things. My Mother was concerned Suzy didn't work and expressed her concern to him. It's tough to survive in California with single income. She somehow eventually moved in during the grace period and she doesn't work. Mom got upset because she feels that she's still young and she should try to get a job. Suzy tries to do some stuff around the house. Maybe cooks 2 times out of the week. She did the laundry everyday and only washed a few piece of clothing and it got my Mom upset because it's a wasteful. My Mom told Thomas about her frustration and Suzy need to get a job and my Mom wasn't going to support her not doing anything with her life.
Suzy had just got a divorce and hadn't worked for awhile. Things never changed and don't think Thomas ever had a conversation or try to work things out. Mom worn him she was going to kick them out and eventually she did but Mom wasn't happy about it.
After getting kicked out, Thomas never came home and they both hardly came home. Which is expected. Thought it took time to heal. It's actually get worse.
We thought Suzy would be a better influence. There's alcohol and substance abuse. She doesn't come home to say hi to anyone or calls. No shows on Birthdays and small Holidays. His keeps telling me that he needs to stand by his woman???
He doesn't acknowledge anything he does to others and treats his family like crap. He's been having problems in his life for many years now and we've been waiting for him and now its got to the point where, I can't hold that line anymore.
He called me wasted last night tell me he won't come home to Thanksgiving. I'm heart broken. This will be the first one he's not going to show up. He keeps telling me that he only has Suzy left and his friends all betrayed him is so many ways. Complaining about life and that's all he does. Doesn't ask any anyone is doing, but to call and vent.
I'm doing my best to hold the line. Everyone in our family is pretty upset at him and he knows he can only call me. Other brother doesn't want to even deal with my anymore because he never showed up to his son 1st birthday even.
He told him yesterday he was walking down a dark path and there's no way back and it's too late and he knows he screwed up. I asked him to get his girlfriend on the phone because the things he was saying started to get me uncomfortable and worried. I asked him to get Suzy on the phone. He said he didn't want to scare her. It doesn't make any sense. If she was there for him, why is he not telling her things and why is he protecting her from it? He always tries to find ways to convince me how great Suzy is to him. I told him it's non of my business who he's with or what kind of relationship he has with her and he doesn't need my approval.

I also told him relationships works for ways. Both party needs to tries or else nothing is ever going to happen.

I know deep down inside he wants to come back but he knows he can't. Everytime he comes home for dinner, Suzy would call him every 10 minutes to check up on him. She's very insincere and I get that. It's just hard for me to like her because I don't see her putting any effort in forming a relationship.

I'm worried that my brother is about to go through something and Suzy is just there for the ride or free meal pass. I have to remind myself all the time, she's not that bad and it's my brothers life. But, getting phone calls from him like the ones last night really gets me worried and I don't know what to do. My husband finds out and he gets upset and doesn't want me to help or do anything. I got mad at him and finally told him if I don't hold the line then who will? It's borderline getting disowned. Albert doesn't even answer his calls anymore.
My parents are worried about him. But they also know there's nothing they can do.

He's hurt me so many time and lied to me so many times. I'm tired of getting hurt. Seems like the substance abuse has gotten bad. He's so deep in his stuff and honestly, I think he needs to see a professional. It's beyond me.

Didn't sleep well last night... I don't know what to do..

Last edited by lilly210; November 14th, 2018 at 08:01 AM.
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Old November 14th, 2018, 07:35 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Brother not there

I'm so sorry for your struggles, lilly210.

Your brother has a problem with substance abuse. It's very likely that Suzy is also an abuser. If you are concerned about your brother harming himself, call a suicide hotline for help.

Otherwise, you might just need to let this go. Holidays are triggers. It can make his addiction worse.

If he trusts you, though, and you can do this gently and without judgement, you can recommend he get treatment.
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Old November 17th, 2018, 03:07 PM
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snafu snafu is offline
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Re: Brother not there

I'm sorry Lily210


Sadly - it sounds as though your brother has his own disfunction to chose these relationships.

The best thing that has been helping me is remembering the advice "You can't change how other people act/react, but you can chose the way you react to them".
once burned, twice shy

He who ignores history is condemed to repeat it!
(it also means you weren't smart enough to learn from your mistakes )
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family issues, sibling drama, sibling issues, substance abuse

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