Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > Parents

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old July 31st, 2015, 09:20 AM
lilith23 lilith23 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Home in India (Panjim), Live in US (NY)
Posts: 6
lilith23 is on a distinguished road
Help with processing a family conflict situation

Hello everyone, I'm new in this forum but glad that there's a place where I can get some perspective. It's been hard to think clearly and I can't simply let things go.

I'll try to be as brief as possible. I'm currently married and living with my husband and we don't have kids yet. My parents are living with my grandfather and younger brother.

Our family is from another country and we moved to where we currently live for 15 years.
My relationship with my mother is good ('till this situation), but in the past she was emotionally unstable, depressed, explosive, controlling and our relationship was rocky. I forgave her as she got better and it allowed friendship to grow.
My relationship with my father is also good ('till this situation), but in the past he was distant. He has communication difficulties but he's been trying to make up as he helps me with different things.
My relationship with my brother is good ('till this situation), but in the past I was a very independent sister (introverted) and we fought and was never really close, and our parents never helped with our conflicts (if anything, they dramatized situations).

So my parents have been wanting to find a new house. Once, I've found a very big one and the idea of me and my husband living with them popped out. I've told them that if they like it we could pay part of the house and we all live together. My father and grandfather would be specially happy as they also like the idea of family being together. However I never forced the topic and alowed them to decide.

One day me, my husband and my father visited a house that consists in a building with 2 apartments of 3 bedrooms each (one on top, one at the bottom) and a small garden around the building, and my father talked about living together and I was very enthusiastic too. My husband was fine with the idea too. I imagined how it'd be, our future kids seeing their grandparents all the time, they get to play in the garden with them too, and we can all see my grandfather too who is 86 yo.

But then at the same day, when I've started to talk to my mom about it, she only replied with a short and dry "I want to live on the top apartment". Which I've said "but how can we live together then?", and she repeated the same sentence and I've walked away saying "then we can't live together then.

The problem is that my grandfather is old and if he lives in the same apartment with my parents on the top then he would have to walk the stairs everyday. If he lives in the same apartment with us on the bottom then we would lose privacy and space (when we have kids it'd get too crowded).

After leaving my parents' house my father noticed something was not right (I acted as nothing happened but was not talkative) and talked to me. He told me that I need to understand that they are buying their own house so they have to choose and be happy with the setting. He said that mother wanted the top floor because of the veranda, to which I said that she was trading the chance of living with me with a veranda (that she didn't see yet and it was a very small veranda). He said that she still needs to see the house first before making a decision, to which I said that I feel like a 2nd option to her, as in only if the veranda was not to her liking that she would have me live with them.

Later at night I've talked to my mother about it on messenger. I wanted to know if she was really prioritizing a veranda over me. Her replies confirmed. But she said that I was judging her and that she has to submit to everyone's whim. I ended up saying that she was always the victim and how I have feelings too.
Now this is not something I bring up lightly. My mother is often self-centered and about her, and she often talks negatively, but I always tried to be a listenner and never confronted her much as any stronger confrontation would make her go vulcano of drama with big victim mentality. Part of why I put up with it is also because she also had hard time adapting into a new country and she was disappointed with life choices and marriage. Thought this time I was hurt as she prioritize an absurd thing over others' happiness.
In the end, she said that she didn't want to talk anymore and I said fine as it's about protecting her fragile feelings and I don't have any.

On the other day I've tried to talk to father, explaining how I'm not angry with him but disappointed with my mother. But the conversation did not go well as when I've tried to explain how I felt, he questioned why I couldn't live with grandfather and how I was bothering mother with privacy issues when I wanted to live together. This made me emotional and said how mother was always about her, how I always had to put up with her in the past and how she never changed.
Then my father asked what I wanted to do, and how she is still my mother. I've told him that she could show minimal care for me by saying "daughter we can't stay like this, let's talk". But my father insisted on how she is my mother and if I think this way then there is nothing to talk. To which I've replied "I don't want to talk to those who don't care for me", and the conversation ended.
During the conversation my father also said that they were not buying the house as my mother did not like it much, there were some issues and the house affected me and my mother's relationship.

A few days later, my husband told me that my father asked if I was alright. This concern touched my heart so I've told my father to meet later for a talk. Later me and my husband went to the coffee place, however I've noticed that my father brought my brother too.
When he started to talk, the same arguments were presented. He added how he forgave grandfather for being the mean father who said/did horrible things, to convince me to forgive mother for the past. I've tried to explain him that it was because she didn't seem to have change that I'm bringing that up, but after disagreeing with the mentality that parents should be forgiven unconditionally he said that there's nothing to talk then and walked away. (Actually my idea was that parents should try to understand their children's feelings too and I was not saying that I won't talk to mother anymore...)

After my father walking away, my brother started to try convince me with the same mentality. But talking to him is worse as he has comprehension issues and is the family member with the worst conflict solving skills (he's emotionally explosive and immature). He also acted as if he was the perfect son and questioned if I wanted to abandon our mother when all this time I've been the one caring to interact and be attentive to our parents. He still lives with them, is emotionally unstable, worries them a lot, asks for money even if he started working, acts annoyed when mother tries to talk with him more and so on.
I just disagreed with him and never said anything about his own wrongdoings, 'till he said how he forgave me in something that was very entitled of him. When he started working, he wanted to buy a new console but couldn't pay it so he asked if I could get a loan and he pays me back each month for 20 months. At first I hesitated as I disliked how he still didn't have independent mindset, but then decided to help him one last time.
So he saying that he was angry but forgave me that time hit the wrong button, and I've told him that I was not responsible for paying his stuffs if he doesn't have money. He misunderstood and thought I was touching the topic of him not earning much, but I've repeated what I said, told him to grow up and walked away.

Later at night, my mother called me. She said that my father told her that I don't want to talk to them anymore (it seems that my father also has comprehension problems, all I wanted was to talk), and I've cleared the misunderstanding in this as well as how I was not angry with the past but brought that up as I've thought she didn't change. We talked for some time but as I've tried to explain my mother about how I felt, she thought I misunderstood it but couldn't get the logic.
In the end, I was tired of the talk and simply act as if I agreed that it was all misunderstanding. She proceeded to tell me that I was wrong to have reacted like that and such but I didn't explain myself anymore.

In the next day, I've met with them to tell them how I was angry with my brother and he probably with me, to see if they'd talk to him regarding his entitlement issues (he also gets mad at my parents if they refuse to give him money). But my mother explained how they don't want to confront him as he might do something bad or cut ties with them, and how he might have anger and psychological issues. This annoyed me as I feel that it's unfair to him to see him this way (I wouldn't be happy if I realize my parents sees me as someone with mental issues). If he finds out, he'd be very disappointed. I see him as an adult just like me even thought he is less mature, and not confronting him is not helping for him.
In the end, I've told my parents that I'll visit them less often as I don't want to see my brother and get awkward (he is probably angry with me).

(continued)
  #2  
Old July 31st, 2015, 09:21 AM
lilith23 lilith23 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Home in India (Panjim), Live in US (NY)
Posts: 6
lilith23 is on a distinguished road
Re: Help with processing a family conflict situation

(continued)

Although thing is, after all this situation I'm disappointed with my parents. Disappointed how my father was the one who talked about living together (I talked about the idea before but when we saw this house he touched the topic), and then when my mother opted for veranda, he tells me I need to understand that they are the ones buying the house. Disappointed how they destroyed a big expectation over something absurd (they could have told me that they want more space and privacy, not a veranda, and at least when mother saw the house). Disappointed how my father handled the talks, his mentality and lack of comprehension capacity when talking.
And disappointed how not only they did not try to understand how I felt but also blamed me afterwards. Blamed me for misunderstanding, blamed me for selfishness. How now I chose to swallow it and act as if nothing happened for the sake of superficial peace. The only time I'm focusing on the 'me' I've got disappointed.

This whole situation also led me to discover deeper dysfuncitonalities within my family. I'm surprised at how bad they are at solving conflicts. They dramatize and escalate things fastly and I had some "oh my God" moments.

Now I'm penting up resentment. During the whole time I was calm, stressed and disappointed but nothing was felt strongly at all. But now the more I think about it, the angrier I feel. And talking to them is out of question now as I've witnessed the immense lack of capacity from their side and am tired of their drama.


Perhaps I'm venting here, but it'd be great if anyone can comment on this. I'm still having a hard time to process this all. Thank you for reading this wall of China text.
  #3  
Old July 31st, 2015, 12:16 PM
LucyVanPelt's Avatar
LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,460
LucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond reputeLucyVanPelt has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Help with processing a family conflict situation

Your parents aren't here, so I cannot speak to them. If I could, I would suggest that they have more patience with their daughter. She has not matured enough or had enough life experience to understand how an older married couple might want space.

This might be a cultural difference, but I would not want to live with my mother and I sure hope my children don't want to live with me while we are all well and can live independently. We all need space to grow. You're "tired of their drama?" Because your mom wanted the porch and privacy? Given your reaction to their responses, they are making a very wise decision. You are an adult woman with a husband who should be rejoicing over being able to make your own home rather than living with your mother. Your mother has earned her right to decide how she wants to live, and with whom she wants to live. It's not her job to make you happy.

I think you should apologize to your parents for throwing a tantrum because you couldn't get what you want and listen to their wisdom. 30 years from now, you will be embarrassed by your own behavior.

Last edited by LucyVanPelt; July 31st, 2015 at 01:19 PM.
  #4  
Old July 31st, 2015, 02:10 PM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: NZ
Posts: 781
Catwoman has a reputation beyond reputeCatwoman has a reputation beyond reputeCatwoman has a reputation beyond reputeCatwoman has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Help with processing a family conflict situation

I think its a warning and a sign that you and your husband should not live with family. I forsee disasters happening if you do.
  #5  
Old July 31st, 2015, 06:06 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,178
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Help with processing a family conflict situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilith23 View Post
This whole situation also led me to discover deeper dysfuncitonalities within my family. I'm surprised at how bad they are at solving conflicts. They dramatize and escalate things fastly and I had some "oh my God" moments.
Perhaps I have misunderstood what you have written, but I'm not sure what conflicts there are for them to resolve in this situation. Your mother wants the top floor of a house, you want the top floor. There is no conflict - the house isn't the right house because the living situation isn't one that pleases everyone.

Honestly, and I don't intend for this to be mean, but you say that your family dramatizes things and you are tired of their drama. From what you have written (and I acknowledge that you may have left out key parts) it seems to me that you are the one dramatizing things. The particular house you found doesn't sound like it would fit the bill - there was no need to accuse your mother of prioritizing a veranda over you. You wanted her to give you the prime apartment while she lived in the "lesser" situation? That isn't prioritizing a veranda over you. That isn't selfish, as you accuse her. I don't understand why you think she is being selfish for wanting the same thing you want?

And you say that your family can't solve conflicts, yet at least twice in the story you wrote that you said your final peace and walked away (with your mother when you told her "we can't live together then" and with your brother when you told him to "grow up," and then you told your father "I don't want to talk to those who don't care for me" to end a conversation with him). You do not solve conflicts well either!

If your parents are the ones who initially came up with the idea of buying a house (just for them - not including you at first) and they are the ones paying for the lion's share of the house, they should be the ones getting the first choice of living space. I also don't understand why you are critical of your brother of not having an independent mindset when you are planning on moving back in with your family.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
  #6  
Old August 1st, 2015, 05:37 AM
lilith23 lilith23 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Home in India (Panjim), Live in US (NY)
Posts: 6
lilith23 is on a distinguished road
Re: Help with processing a family conflict situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
Your parents aren't here, so I cannot speak to them. If I could, I would suggest that they have more patience with their daughter. She has not matured enough or had enough life experience to understand how an older married couple might want space.

This might be a cultural difference, but I would not want to live with my mother and I sure hope my children don't want to live with me while we are all well and can live independently. We all need space to grow. You're "tired of their drama?" Because your mom wanted the porch and privacy? Given your reaction to their responses, they are making a very wise decision. You are an adult woman with a husband who should be rejoicing over being able to make your own home rather than living with your mother. Your mother has earned her right to decide how she wants to live, and with whom she wants to live. It's not her job to make you happy.

I think you should apologize to your parents for throwing a tantrum because you couldn't get what you want and listen to their wisdom. 30 years from now, you will be embarrassed by your own behavior.
Just because you would prefer total independence doesn't mean other people prefering to live near their family are immature. In this case, both me and my father in that day were very enthusiastic about it. My mother seemed neutral about the idea of living together before when I talked about another house.

If they wanted space then they could have told me directly but my mother never said that privacy was an issue.

I would like to ask you to try to understand the situation better before being condescending.

Last edited by lilith23; August 1st, 2015 at 08:10 AM.
  #7  
Old August 1st, 2015, 06:32 AM
lilith23 lilith23 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Home in India (Panjim), Live in US (NY)
Posts: 6
lilith23 is on a distinguished road
Re: Help with processing a family conflict situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
Perhaps I have misunderstood what you have written, but I'm not sure what conflicts there are for them to resolve in this situation. Your mother wants the top floor of a house, you want the top floor. There is no conflict - the house isn't the right house because the living situation isn't one that pleases everyone.

Honestly, and I don't intend for this to be mean, but you say that your family dramatizes things and you are tired of their drama. From what you have written (and I acknowledge that you may have left out key parts) it seems to me that you are the one dramatizing things. The particular house you found doesn't sound like it would fit the bill - there was no need to accuse your mother of prioritizing a veranda over you. You wanted her to give you the prime apartment while she lived in the "lesser" situation? That isn't prioritizing a veranda over you. That isn't selfish, as you accuse her. I don't understand why you think she is being selfish for wanting the same thing you want?

And you say that your family can't solve conflicts, yet at least twice in the story you wrote that you said your final peace and walked away (with your mother when you told her "we can't live together then" and with your brother when you told him to "grow up," and then you told your father "I don't want to talk to those who don't care for me" to end a conversation with him). You do not solve conflicts well either!

If your parents are the ones who initially came up with the idea of buying a house (just for them - not including you at first) and they are the ones paying for the lion's share of the house, they should be the ones getting the first choice of living space. I also don't understand why you are critical of your brother of not having an independent mindset when you are planning on moving back in with your family.
My father and I were both enthusiastic about everyone living together. If they always wanted independence then I wouldn't have minded at all, but in that day he brought that up enthusiastically and then later simply said the house was them who are buying when there is conflict of options.
The house could fit in everyone if the veranda was not relevant for my mother and both apartments are basically the same (nr of rooms, divisions, space). There is no better or worse between the apartments, only difference is top floor having a small veranda. There is a garden around the building, much more accessible from the bottom apartment. Also, I've explained why it's not possible for me to opt for the lower apartment in my first post (I wouldn't have minded the bottom apartment otherwise). This is why it was either the veranda or us living together.

Perhaps this is a cultural difference, but to me and my father, living together was a great idea as we love having family very close and together. My mother seemed fine with the idea of living together before, it's just in this house she wanted the small veranda.
Living together doesn't mean not having independent finances. Me and my husband would still be paying our bills, unlike my brother who has been asking money from them even if he already has a job. He's been getting mad with them for not giving him money to buy gadgets and things, hence my critical view on this.

As for the drama, I agree that I might not be perfect with handling conflicts, but I've tried to talk to my mother later but she walked away from the conversation. Then to my father, and he was the one who said that the talk ends there then in our first talk (hence I said that), and walked away in the second talk when I calmly disagreed with him. With my brother, I was calm all the talk even if he attacked and questioned me (I wanted to avoid conflict with him) 'till he said what he said so I replied and walked away, not wanting to escalate in the public (I don't want to see him raise voice or name calling me there).
I've tried to talk to them and explain what I felt hoped they could try to understand, and not stop the conversation nor accuse how I don't want to talk to them anymore or how I'm abandoning our mother. That is dramatizing and escalation and to them it was more important to point out who was right or wrong rather than understanding how each other really feels.
Closed Thread

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:03 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network