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  #11  
Old August 11th, 2008, 07:48 AM
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Exclamation Re: Unwanted Gifts

"Not being able" to see past oneself and one's own idea of how things are to be done, is a good description of selfishness. I wonder what sort of life a person has lived, when they could reach the age of having an adult, married child; and yet they aren't able to conceive that another person might have a different way of doing something, different beliefs, different goals....etc.

Frankly, if someone wasn't able to see outside of themself in such a minor issue as not trying to force a gift on someone who has specifically asked that it not be given, I would consider that a good barometer of their ability to compromise and get along. Some people just haven't figured out that it's not all about them - and their intentions in gift-giving are beside the point, IMHO. The point is they are not able to respect and abide by, a very simple request.

Big red flag.
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  #12  
Old August 11th, 2008, 08:06 AM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

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Originally Posted by Honeysuckle View Post
"Not being able" to see past oneself and one's own idea of how things are to be done, is a good description of selfishness. I wonder what sort of life a person has lived, when they could reach the age of having an adult, married child; and yet they aren't able to conceive that another person might have a different way of doing something, different beliefs, different goals....etc.

Frankly, if someone wasn't able to see outside of themself in such a minor issue as not trying to force a gift on someone who has specifically asked that it not be given, I would consider that a good barometer of their ability to compromise and get along. Some people just haven't figured out that it's not all about them - and their intentions in gift-giving are beside the point, IMHO. The point is they are not able to respect and abide by, a very simple request.

Big red flag.
perhaps a big red flag, but in the same, a lot of these people were not family, but friends...I specifically, would send out RSVP Invites, and put on the Invites, Please No Gifts.....yet, many of them wouldn't listen...so what do I do, hold it against them for the rest of my life?

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, while they cannot see past their own noses...you might want to understand, that they in fact, were raised that way...regardless of what you do, or what you say, isn't going to change them....sometimes, it is point blankly out of our control. So, what I'm suggesting is, rather then make more of it...perhaps why not just let it go?

And to, perhaps they're giving the gift for the son or daughter, rather then the inlaw...I just don't see it as being a big deal.

You all know, the problems I've had...and if my DIL would ask everyone to not bring gifts, then I wouldn't, of course....but in the same, if it were for my GD...I would feel badly not to be able to give her something.......so, I'm showing 2 points of view...but, in the end, does it really have to be such a big big deal...?

Sheeesh, my DIL, in 10 years, never gave me a gift...? It was always my son picking things out and sending it....but, it's a small thing, when I really think about it, isn't it?


I dunno, just my thoughts....
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  #13  
Old August 11th, 2008, 08:20 AM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

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what do I do, hold it against them for the rest of my life?
I have no idea, as I wasn't directing my comments to you, but to the OP.

Quote:
I suppose what I'm trying to say is, while they cannot see past their own noses...you might want to understand, that they in fact, were raised that way...regardless of what you do, or what you say, isn't going to change them....sometimes, it is point blankly out of our control. So, what I'm suggesting is, rather then make more of it...perhaps why not just let it go?
How someone is raised really isn't an excuse of how they behave, today - at least, not to me.
Look, we all have to overcome our childhoods; some of us had a great upbringing, others didn't. But at some point, we need to take responsibility for our own actions. Those who cannot will have problems.
And I'm not talking about "changing" anyone - it has nothing to do with changing another person's behavior, but it does have to do with not allowing one's own boundaries to be crossed. Why not let it go? Why? If you let something this minor be disrespected, what then?
Why can others just not accept a simple request, and abide by it?
What is the problem with respecting a request?

The OP is talking about her "psuedo-inlaws" - not casual friends...of course, in a casual environment, you wouldn't be that vigilant about it but these are her in-laws who have apparently ALREADY crossed boundaries and mistreated her - you are confusing the scenarios here, why? This has to do with her family, and extended family; not casual acquaintances. Big difference.
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Old August 11th, 2008, 08:47 AM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

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Originally Posted by Honeysuckle View Post
I have no idea, as I wasn't directing my comments to you, but to the OP.



How someone is raised really isn't an excuse of how they behave, today - at least, not to me.
Look, we all have to overcome our childhoods; some of us had a great upbringing, others didn't. But at some point, we need to take responsibility for our own actions. Those who cannot will have problems.
And I'm not talking about "changing" anyone - it has nothing to do with changing another person's behavior, but it does have to do with not allowing one's own boundaries to be crossed. Why not let it go? Why? If you let something this minor be disrespected, what then?
Why can others just not accept a simple request, and abide by it?
What is the problem with respecting a request?

The OP is talking about her "psuedo-inlaws" - not casual friends...of course, in a casual environment, you wouldn't be that vigilant about it but these are her in-laws who have apparently ALREADY crossed boundaries and mistreated her - you are confusing the scenarios here, why? This has to do with her family, and extended family; not casual acquaintances. Big difference.
I think your missing my point...yes, there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, but while you feel one way about things, and I feel another, doesn't always mean your right and I'm wrong, or visa versa. It is though how we were actually brainwashed to believe. We were raised by our parents to believe in traditions...whatever they may be, believe in religions, whatever they may be, and believe it isn't polite to go somewhere with or without a gift. And I'm not disagreeing with the OP's feelings on this...I'm trying to point out another point of view...and while they aren't casual acquaintances, we to, have to be able to look past our own noses, and understand, that it simply is the way some people are. For instance, the friends I'm talking about were not all casual friends, and I remember relatives being the same way...my relatives...not just in laws...I guess what I'm trying to say, is regardless who they are, we've got a big bug up our butts, b/c they are our in laws and they have wronged us big time...so, now anything they do, beyond our control, we take as a difiance against us to utterly make our lives miserable. I know, I'd feel the same way.

But...and there is a but...maybe the OP's in laws even though they have really wronged her...and she has every right to feel the way she feels, perhaps they didn't do it to defy her, but b/c they were simply bought up that way.

I'll agree, people cannot follow instructions, that is for certain....

and I apologize, I thought you were responding to my last comment...but figured, while we're on the subject, I'd come back in and see if I couldn't explain my thoughts on the subject a little better.

fact is, when we don't like someone, and they don't like us...everything that happens, seems so much bigger then what it is...I know I was doing the same thing with my DIL...why? B/c she has made it more then evident that she doesn't like me...but, now, since I've been in this forum and reading a lot of comments from DIL's, I can't help but ponder, was she trying, or was she pretending to try in front of my son. Something I'll never know. But, what I do know is, we are not all of us, ALL bad, we all have saving graces....and I gotta tell ya...when I read the stories in here about MIL's, I thank God I was never like any of them....I wonder what my DIL would do if I were...

But, bottom line is...we are conditioned by our parents to do certain things, which carry thru to our adulthood...all of us are that way...some more then others, some not as much perhaps, but however we think, feel and believe about things comes from our parents and how they raised us, what they taught us to believe...actually, who we are.
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Old August 11th, 2008, 09:03 AM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

Quote:
I think your missing my point...yes, there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, but while you feel one way about things, and I feel another, doesn't always mean your right and I'm wrong, or visa versa. It is though how we were actually brainwashed to believe.
It's not a question of right vs. wrong, it's a question of being able to respect boundaries.

And I find it curious that someone would protest a person would feel it rude or impolite to not go somewhere without a gift, yet not appreicate that they are trampling over a direct request from their host or hostess.

Again, it's up to us as adults to evaluate how true and useful the "rules" we were raised by are. It's not like we are a nation of robots. People change - hopefully. Really, it's not rocket science....
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Old August 11th, 2008, 09:05 AM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

ETA: This is a response to Creme's post #10

I agree with you Creme, but snafu is in a place where she has been very hurt by these people who have really put a strain on her marriage (maybe intentionally, maybe not, and I don't exonerated her DH). They may be trying to reach out to snafu (I'm hoping anyway... sorry snafu... I'm somewhat of an annoying Suzie Sunshine) because they realize she is raising their GD now, but I also think it's okay if snafu doesn't want gifts from them.

Sometimes gifts are bribery attempts, and they are hurtful. I have felt that way about gifts being given to me before, and I understand how snafu feels.

--------------------
ETA:
Honeyscukle - snafu hasn't told her pseudo IL's to stop with the gifts yet.

Creme - if someone was raised to give gifts, you'd think they'd also be raised to be respectful of others' wishes.
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Last edited by KayKay; August 11th, 2008 at 09:11 AM. Reason: I type too slow
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Old August 11th, 2008, 09:33 AM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Honeysuckle View Post
Frankly, if someone wasn't able to see outside of themself in such a minor issue as not trying to force a gift on someone who has specifically asked that it not be given, I would consider that a good barometer of their ability to compromise and get along. Some people just haven't figured out that it's not all about them - and their intentions in gift-giving are beside the point, IMHO. The point is they are not able to respect and abide by, a very simple request.

Big red flag.
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Old August 11th, 2008, 09:59 AM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
ETA: This is a response to Creme's post #10

I agree with you Creme, but snafu is in a place where she has been very hurt by these people who have really put a strain on her marriage (maybe intentionally, maybe not, and I don't exonerated her DH). They may be trying to reach out to snafu (I'm hoping anyway... sorry snafu... I'm somewhat of an annoying Suzie Sunshine) because they realize she is raising their GD now, but I also think it's okay if snafu doesn't want gifts from them.

Sometimes gifts are bribery attempts, and they are hurtful. I have felt that way about gifts being given to me before, and I understand how snafu feels.

--------------------
ETA:
Honeyscukle - snafu hasn't told her pseudo IL's to stop with the gifts yet.

Creme - if someone was raised to give gifts, you'd think they'd also be raised to be respectful of others' wishes.
Yeah, Kay Kay, I hear ya, and definately know what you mean...truly....was just trying to look at another side....and yanno, I never thought of gift giving as being a part of bribery. I dunno, sometimes, I can be so naieve....and will tell you true, I am shocked at the behavior of some of these MIL's. Makes me really sad...and snafu, please know, I wasn't trying to make your problem with inlaws seem trivial....but I was thinking of me, and remembering situations while reading the posts of others...and trying to explain another point of view. I genuinally hope, that your in laws are trying hard to make ammends. It takes a long time, trust has to be earned..and it's difficult once someone hurts you like that.

I suppose what I was trying to impliment, is, that people, are never ever going to live up to our expectations...especially, those who are dysfunctional...they just don't know any better, it's all they know, it is who they are, and it is a shame that they effect so many other lives in a negative way.

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  #19  
Old August 11th, 2008, 02:26 PM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

My relationships with the in-laws has been strained since day one. I made it clear to my husband as well as his folks that I do not want to recieve any gifts especially during Xmas time which is the time that they go crazy with gifts. I dislike their take on Xmas gifts: BIL's wife expects something great out of us but in return she gives us used gifts like things that she does nto want from her nicknack cabinet anymore. That is when I realized that this family really does not put a little thought into their gifts. We live in a busy city where even the Dollar Store offers something that everyone could use. I would be happy if someone bought me something for a $1.00 as opposed to receieving a dusty old nicknack that isn't even cute to put in my own cabinet.

My point is that some people do not honor the true meaning of gift-giving. My husband and I have struggled financially and sometimes we are not able to give gifts as often as we would like. Instead, I make things, little crafts like magnets and ornaments, and it is something that comes from the heart. Those kind of gifts are the best because there is actual thought and effort put into it.

I am not close to my in-laws so when I get something from them I am weirded out. Most of the time I get some thoughtless gifts but one year MIL actually got me a Betty Boop watch because she knows that I like Betty Boop. That was nice. She didn't have to but she wanted to.

I have repeatedly said NO GIFTS but my husband will come home from his folks house with a bunch of gifts. What am I supposed to do? Drop them off at their front door? Instead, I give them to charity or I will hold a get together and see if any of my friends want to swap the gifts that we do not want or like. It is a cute way of getting rid of things that are not wanted.

I will say this: I cannot stand BIL and his wife SO if they decide to get me something this year for XMas I guarantee you that I will drop their gift to me at their front door. Most of you have no idea how upsetting it is to be around condescending figures like this. They are heartless and pathetic. Grrrrr!

I agree that one should RESPECT the other's desire and in this case the OP is about not wanting gifts from the in-laws. I still think that it would be more than okay for her to say something along the lines of "I recieve plenty of gifts from hubby and my relatives. I am good but thank you." Or my own personal approach was "All I want is for this family [the in-laws] to be nice toward my children. That is all I want" and make it clear. I would leave the gifts there and not even touch one. If she were to do something drastic like that then they may actually get the point.

Sometimes people do not do nice. If you are too nice or too sweet and polite they will step on you like a doormat. But if you show that you can play their game then they may actually back off and take you seriously.
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Old August 11th, 2008, 02:33 PM
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Re: Unwanted Gifts

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Honeysuckle View Post
It's not a question of right vs. wrong, it's a question of being able to respect boundaries.
ok, let me try and explain this another way...if it's a question of being able to respect boundaries...for instance...would you consider, that a person, isn't raised the same way you have been...so, while you feel, they should live up to your expectations of what your boundaries are...they have no concept...b/c they were not raised by your parents.

Quote:
And I find it curious that someone would protest a person would feel it rude or impolite to not go somewhere without a gift, yet not appreicate that they are trampling over a direct request from their host or hostess.
Well, yes, I can understand your point of view...but, in the same, that is YOUR point of view...you cannot expect everyone else to think or feel like you do...and while your right, here, in the same, some people just don't get it...they were not taught like you were taught....as I said, people do what they want...and you can request all you want, but there are always some people who do not listen...

For example...

I work with very intelligent people...and yet, you can send them an email, with instructions on how to turn something in...and there is always one or two people who cannot follow instructions and do it their own way...why? Because they didn't read the whole email, or they read it and forgot...and I could really go off and get offended, angry, but in the end, would it be worth it...so, you just deal with it....it's not that important to me to win...and no matter what I did or said, I cannot control the way they do things...they don't think like me....

Quote:
Again, it's up to us as adults to evaluate how true and useful the "rules" we were raised by are. It's not like we are a nation of robots. People change - hopefully. Really, it's not rocket science....
Your right, but in the same, we also have to remember, we cannot control the actions of others...we can only control our own actions...and my rules, may not be your rules...and believe me, I try very hard to do what is best, and think of others first before myself...but I'm never going to please everyone, especially those, I've had a riff with, or who do not like me very much...it would be impossible.

So, while you write on a card, NO GIFTS PLEASE...there is always someone who isn't going to listen...you won't get 100% cooperation from everyone...and my point was...while the OP, has a very valid reasoning and grip...maybe there is the slightest chance, that they didn't do it to be contradictive...but, maybe, they did it, b/c they felt uncomfortable coming empty handed...and I'm saying this, b/c my mom was like that....she meant no harm, but she never followed instructions...she did what she felt most comfortable doing. And yes, sometimes she stepped on toes....but, I tell you this...even though, my brother divorced his wife, over 20 years ago, his ex wife still came back, 2 or 3 times a year to visit her.
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