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Old June 26th, 2008, 02:30 PM
broken123 broken123 is offline
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Break Up Help!

I am struggling to get over my ex. My head tells me this is for the best but my heart is killing me. I will give you some background on the situation. I met my ex almost two years ago. He is four years younger than me and I didnt think it was a good idea to date, so we became close friends. He was really the first guy to give me any attention and the friendship grew quickly into love and we started dating 9 months after we met. This was my first real dating relationship and the first person that I have ever loved. The relationship was progressing really well and I lost virginity to him three months after we started dating. We had our one year anniversary in April. We really loved each other but we had our ups and downs as every relationship does. Then a month after our anniversary, he just called it quits. He said that I deserved better than him right now and that he hoped we would get back together someday. He also said that he was holding me back from settling down and having kids. He just needed some time to figure out his life. We still talked and saw each other occasionally. It has been two months since we broke up and I just found out last week that he has been sleeping with one of his friends. They aren't dating he doesnt want to be in a relationship right now but they have the friends with benefits thing. This girl is really different than me. My ex had some troubles during his childhood and had told me that dating me made him believe that he could be a better person. This girl is the old kind of girl that he would have been with. I just found out yesterday that this new girl might be pregnant even though he wasnt sure he even wanted kids and that was one of the reasons he ended it with me. By the way she already has a baby from a previous relationship. I am physically sick over all this. I feel like I have lost so much (my first everything and my best friend). I dont know what to do without him. How do I get over all this and move on. I dont have a lot of friends besides him and I am not the kind of girl that goes out and meets people. I just want to stop hurting and get over this guy.

Sincerely,

Broken123
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Old June 26th, 2008, 03:03 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Break Up Help!

One day at a time. I just read from your introduction that you're 23 and just graduated from college.

What are your plans for a job?

I think the first thing you ought to do is find out about yourself. Explore all kinds of things... develop hobbies. Do you like to work out? Do you like to read? Do you like music? Finding something that you like and start doing it. It helps the time pass without the big void where your BF used to be.

Back in "the day" (when I was your age) I had a harder time getting over a relationship when my X immediately jumped in a relationship (and the sack) with someone else. It kind of made me feel disrespected... like I wasn't the "big deal" to him that I thought. Maybe that's part of what is especially hurting you?
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Old June 26th, 2008, 06:10 PM
broken123 broken123 is offline
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Re: Break Up Help!

Thanks..so much with your advice. I have been trying to fill the void with work and exercising. I have a new degree in teaching and I am looking for a job to start in September. I think you are right about the fact that he moved on so fast without a thought for my feelings. I really thought he loved and cared for me since he was the one that started the relationship. He seemed so madly in love. It just really hurts that he has just moved onto the next thing when I am still struggling to find my place in the world without him.
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Old June 26th, 2008, 06:19 PM
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Re: Break Up Help!

Oh, I know it hurts. It will for awhile too. But as life goes on it'll get better.

I know it's a strange question to ask, and please don't answer if you don't want to... What attracted you to him in the first place? You didn't find a huge difference in maturity?
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Old June 26th, 2008, 08:18 PM
broken123 broken123 is offline
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Re: Break Up Help!

Hi...thanks again for your words...no i dont mind answering. I did see a difference in maturity...but i think his interest in me was the first thing that attracted me to him. We had been friends and that friendship just turned to something new. It was easy to look past the difference in maturity when I saw how much he loved and cared for me. The time that we were together until the very end, he was a very caring boyfriend who loved me deeply.
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Old June 27th, 2008, 06:53 AM
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Re: Break Up Help!

There is no real good way to deal with pain like this.
I am hoping he wakes up fast and you two are a real couple again. And I hope that his "friend" isn't pregnant - hope hope hope.

Until then, I don't know. I suggest shopping as therapy but that would be silly. Immersing yourself in what ever brings you joy and makes you feel good about yourself could help. Busy work.

If he isn't a willing participant in the commitment area of the relationship, nothing is going to change that. Let him go. There's nothing you can do.
You seem like a very focused mature young woman that has a lot to offer the right "one." Don't give up on love yet, it will happen.
It hurts. It is sometimes one of those darn things some of us go thru with loving someone.
the hurt and pain will go away. It takes time.
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Old June 27th, 2008, 08:12 AM
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Re: Break Up Help!

Broken123,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. ((Hugs)) I know it's always hard to lose a love; it's especially hard when it's your first.

It sounds like (other than the breakup) you are in a good place in your life. You've recently graduated college (congrats!) and moving into the next chapter. Think of it as having a clean slate and a fresh start in all areas of your life.

It does sound to me like he was honest with you about one thing: You do deserve better. And like maura said, time will help.
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Old June 27th, 2008, 05:58 PM
broken123 broken123 is offline
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Red face Re: Break Up Help!

Thanks for all your insights I do deserve better...I have a lot going on for me now in my life and I just need to keep moving and allow my heart to heal. It has been nice to talk to people who are removed from the situation. Thanks again!
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Old June 29th, 2008, 08:04 AM
broken123 broken123 is offline
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Unhappy Re: Break Up Help!

So I know that I am not supposed to do this but I have been driving myself crazy by asking myself questions about my relationship that I cannot answer. What was so wrong with me that he left? and Why did he move onto with someone like her? I just cannot figure it out. I dont want to believe that a year of my life was for naught. I want to believe that he did indeed love me but I am not so sure anymore.
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Old June 29th, 2008, 09:58 AM
1dilwhosreal 1dilwhosreal is offline
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Re: Break Up Help!

This is a very general explanation, and actual experience may vary!

Men are different creatures from women. They are very good at compartmentalizing their lives. Moving on to a physical relationship with one woman doesn't necessarily have anything to do with his previous relationship.

He's only 19. Although he seemed mature to you, he's not yet ready to be a man. That has nothing to do with you, really, except that you were who he was dating. Sadly, now he's going to have to deal with being a daddy when he didn't even want to be a couple.

Also, you may want to listen to your previous lines-- you thought he was young and it was his interest in you that attracted you to him. You've fallen in love with his seeming to be in love, not necessarily with him. That's a great high. Ain't nothing like it! And coming down from that is a big time crash.

Get your girls together, get your hair and nails done, dress in your sexiest clothes and your high heels. When the men get a load of you, and you see the admiration in their eyes, it will help with the healing. (PSA--Just remember to stay sober and go home with your friends. )
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