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  #1  
Old August 13th, 2009, 09:53 AM
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i am in relationship where my parent dislike my boyfriend becasue of his nationality

i have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and they found out about it and my dad got mad and told me to leave ..
then he told me that i have to stop talking to him and i can never see him again .. so now i am doing it behind their backk WHich i absolutely hate but i love my bf and hes been there for me... and like every night i cry because i just wish that i didnt have to sneak around.. I am 18 years old and they treat me like i am 10... and say no boys ..
what is thatt ..
like i thought of a councellor to help me tell my dad .. but like i know that if me and my bf were to continue our lives together my dad would choose not to even talk to me anymore.. but i love my dad ..
i am just stuck in 2 worlds not knowing what to do ..
trying to satisfy my parents and still see my bf is soooo harddd!!
SOME ONE give me some advice ..
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  #2  
Old August 13th, 2009, 12:39 PM
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Re: i am in relationship where my parent dislike my boyfriend becasue of his national

Welcome, Ella.

Do you live on your own or are you still in your parent's house? Are you still in school? These questions might affect what you can do.

You are 18 years old. You are legally an adult which means you can make your own decisions. One sign of being an adult is being willing to stand up for what you believe in and accepting the consequences.

It almost doesn't matter how you feel about this guy. If you think it's wrong to discriminate against someone because of their nationality, then you should stand up for that. Be willing to disappoint your dad over this issue, knowing that really, it's your dad disappointing you with his prejudiced attitude. Your dad might be surprised to know that you thought he was better than that. He may even change his mind.

So, no more sneaking around. Don't flaunt your relationship in front of your dad because it puts your boyfriend in a position to be criticized, but don't hide it, either.

Of course, if you're still living in your parent's house and you need to, you may have to save your "standing up" until you're really in a position to stand on your own two feet. But that should still mean no more sneaking around. It makes you look untrustworthy and you seem like a good person who is very worthy of being trusted.
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Old August 13th, 2009, 04:16 PM
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Re: i am in relationship where my parent dislike my boyfriend becasue of his national

How old is your boyfriend? Does he know how your dad feels? How does your mom feel?

Sometimes when parents make "no boyfriend/girlfriend" rules its because of someone/something else that they've experienced in the past
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Old August 13th, 2009, 04:54 PM
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Re: i am in relationship where my parent dislike my boyfriend becasue of his national

Gosh Ella, this is a hard one.

I mean, there're so many ways to look at it. You say your BF has been there for you but I'm sure your parents have too. OTOH, it sounds like your parents are overprotective (seriously? You're 18 and they say "no boys"? Is it cultural?) and I can't imagine disliking someone because of their nationality.

I really don't know what to say except that I really feel for you.

Can you give us more info? Specifically:
  • Have your parents ever met your BF?
  • You say you've had this BF for 2 years and that they found out... how did you have a BF for 2 years that they didn't know about?
  • How old is your BF?
  • You say that they don't like him because of his nationality... do you mean ethnicity? Is he not Canadian? (you mentioned in another post that you're from Canada)
  • Are you in school? Is your BF in school?
  • Why does your dad say no boys? Does he think they interfere with your plans or something?

Obviously, I'm asking questions and I apologize that it's not helpful. I just really get the feeling that there's some huge chunk of the story that would make a difference in our ability to offer good suggestions, but that we're missing.
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Old August 13th, 2009, 05:55 PM
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Re: i am in relationship where my parent dislike my boyfriend becasue of his national

I don't think there is enough information. Without being specific, can you provide a little more insight?
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Old August 17th, 2009, 05:35 PM
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in a relationship where my parents dislike my BF because of the colour of his Skin

thank you all for replying to my post and for your advice Lucy, you are right .. i have thought about sticking up for my self and what is right but i cant because if my father disagrees with my beliefs, where will i go to live?
yeah maybe i didnt put enough information on the first post
but my parents have met my boyfriend but it was at a time when we were
yeah but like we would go out places and i would just say im going to with friends and they didnt say anything bad about him ..but last summer something happened and my sister said a whole bunch of **** about me and my BF to my dad because she and her mother have been jealous of me ever since I found out that she was my sister(thats another story) so they basically were trying to ruin my life with my dad. Anyway, so i had to come foward with it and say yeah he is my bf and my dad was soo mad and didnt want to talk to me .. so i had to hide it.. because i honestly love my dad and i also love my boyfriend.. so i am like stuck in between 2 rocks .. My boyfriend is 18 years old (the same age as me ) and he is intelligent ... he taught me alot of things about relationships life and trying to live my life. i am Canadian and he was born here as well.. actually we were born in the same city. He is black and i am brown and the thing is that its not a cultural thing .. i am west indian and so is he .. my parents are from trinidad and his parents are from jamaica.. its because of his skin colour. I am going to college in september and going into fashion arts and he has been in a program at college since the begining of this year for culunary arts (one of the best chefs in our high school) and is continuing in september as well.

meanwhile my dad thinks that boys are okay only if they are my friend.. and for boyfriends; NO WAY!.. the one thing is i dont let my boyfriend revolve around my life and i dont want his life to be revolved around me .. because we just need space and a balance. and we are there to help eachother out with our future plans.
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Old August 18th, 2009, 12:36 PM
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Re: i am in relationship where my parent dislike my boyfriend becasue of his national

Ella, it sounds like you still need your dad. Now is not the time to make a stand because you really are not independent. Being dependent on another person sometimes means we have to yield to their wants.

There are two things that stick out most to me as a parent.

First, you lied to your dad. You were forced to tell the truth because of your sister and your mother. That would hurt him. The adult thing to do would be to talk to your dad. Apologize for lying to him in the first place. Tell him that you want to fix the trust in your relationship with him. Let him know that you respect him even if you disagree with what he is saying and prove it by not lying any more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ella21
the one thing is i dont let my boyfriend revolve around my life and i dont want his life to be revolved around me .. because we just need space and a balance. and we are there to help eachother out with our future plans.
Second, this is very wise! Does your dad know that you have this philosophy? He might be more open to your dating if he knows this about you. I don't know your dad, but if he's like my dad, he wants you to gen an education. He doesn't want boys and babies to interrupt those. Acknowledge his worry. Help your dad to see the smart, trustworthy woman you are.

P.S. I don't think there will be anything you can do about your dad's prejudice against black skin. If he gets to know your BF, he might accept him in spite of his skin color but those things get ingrained and are hard to change.
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Old August 18th, 2009, 03:33 PM
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Re: i am in relationship where my parent dislike my boyfriend becasue of his national

yeah i guess your right ..
i did lie to him so it does give him the rigght to hate me .. or not trust me but it was only because he dislikes the idea of "boyfriends" and would never agree with it ... whenever i try talking to him he just starts yelling..
and my sisters mother is not my mother .. her and her mother have been jealous of the relationship that me and my dad have ever since they (my dad and my sisters mom) were together ... but they have broken up now. so last summer they said a whole bunch of nasty things to my dad and they even called and threatened me.... so i am sick of them and trying to ruin my life. if it werent for them saying these things i would have been able to break it down to my dad, a slight bit easier!
but the easiest way to get through to my dad is probably a letter .. and maybe if he does know my philosophy he MAY be a little more understanding.. who knows
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Old August 20th, 2009, 05:41 AM
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Re: i am in relationship where my parent dislike my boyfriend becasue of his national

I would write him a letter.
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