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Old July 10th, 2017, 10:24 PM
victorious victorious is offline
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Sister's Continuing to Lie

This is kind of like an update/added problem to an old post regarding my sister. I will copy and paste the original post at the end so you can see the whole picture and not have to go back in the forum.

I feel like my sister and I are in bad positions regarding her and her husband's dislike for my SO. My BIL as I explained in a different post has been vocal regarding his feelings, but she hasn't. She pretends like she has moved on and is completely okay with my SO because her nature is to never hurt anybody. However she does ask sometimes how my SO is doing and she is being genuine so it's confusing.

[By the way, since my last post things have been great between my SO and I. Since I threatened moving out after our public fight last winter, he has been on his best behavior and we have not had one blow out. I have to give him credit because it's been seven months and we're nearly back to how things used to be in the first year we lived together.]

I love my sister more than anything but in a way feel like our relationship is not the same because she can't be fully honest with me as a way of protecting me. She was the first person I always told things to, even my problems, but now I hold back because while I trust her, her lies are hurting me even though I know that is not her intention.

Besides the whole beach house lie from my original post, she keeps lying about things and before I continue I want to be very clear about something. She has no need to lie about any of these things because I'm not the one that brings them up. She does. If she left me out of the dark when it comes to how she spends time with my BIL and niece it wouldn't bother me. I also want to be clear that I haven't confronted my sister about what I am about to say (or the beach house thing from the original post) because I'm not sure what to do.

For instance it was my BIL's birthday a couple of weeks ago. When things were good my SO and I would be included even if were just a little cake at the house. Since our parents have been gone and always made a big deal out of birthdays my sister and I have made sure to celebrate birthdays together. So I of course knew given what happened in December that we weren't going to be included in my BIL's birthday plans and I accepted it. I didn't bother asking her. However the week before his birthday she brought up how my BIL didn't want to do anything this year and that he had to work late on his birthday anyway. That was such a lie because they ended up going out to eat with friends. How did I find this crap out? A mutual aquaintance who had gone to this birthday dinner. She had told me she was sorry to hear from my sister that my SO and I couldn't make it because she would have loved to have caught up.


Because we're all off on the Fourth of July we always would make that our time to go away for a few days for the weekend whether I had a SO or not. We either would take the beach house if it was available or go to another family vacation spot that at was local but at least has loads of hotels, plenty of beach and stuff to do. I didn't bother asking my sister, but she went on saying how sad she was that they weren't going anywhere for the Fourth this year using a lame excuse I'm not even going to bother mentioning and that she was jealous that my SO and I at least were going to that family vacation spot I mentioned. So imagine my surprise spotting my sister, brother-in-law, and niece enjoying ice cream on the boardwalk on the Fourth. I gave her the benefit of the doubt that perhaps the trip was a surprise. Because they didn't even see me I shot her a text asking what she was up to to test her. Her lie of a response was they were just having a BBQ in their backyard by themselves and that it was too bad they couldn't be there with us.

I'm glad my SO didn't see them because he's getting suspicious that she and my BIL, though more my BIL, really don't like him and I'm tired of dealing with it and pretending like everything is fine the way they do minus them being distant from him. For anybody that is wondering why I just didn't approach them I was shocked for one but also I didn't want a scene to break out in front of my niece. I know she's too little to understand but it still isn't fair to her.

I have weighed the pros and cons regarding finally coming clean about the beach house back in May, my BIL's birthday, and this recent vacation. Part of me wants to because I feel like I am carrying this huge weight knowing things I'm not supposed to know while hating that my own sister can't be honest with me. I know she is not being nasty and is doing it out of love. Perhaps she wants to try to dupe me into thinking things are normal so I don't stress or get upset.

However part of me doesn't want to say anything because one of my friends that I confided in brought up a good point. She said it's possible that although my BIL has told me otherwise that my sister may not fully share the same opinion as my BIL but must of course go along with her husband. My friend also said that perhaps my sister and BIL are just trying to keep the peace acting the way they do because they're leaving the possibility of rekindling at least a cordial relationship with my SO again in the distant future even though my BIL has claimed he has had it with my SO. My only problem with this last idea is the thought of being fed more lies for months on end, especially if ultimately they don't want any relationship with my SO.


ORIGINAL POST (this was from May):
A few weeks ago my sister and I were hanging out and she asked if she could reschedule my appointment at her dental office that I had for Monday the 22nd for Wednesday the 24th for the same time. I told her it was no problem and would have left it at that because it was really no big deal when she explained she was taking off that day and Tuesday. Because my brother-in-law was off then she said maybe they would go away.

Days later she told me they werenít going away anymore and instead were going to go the hospital on the 22nd so my brother-in-law could go for a couple of tests. There was no reason not to believe this because back in January he had a health scare. Heís okay now but itís not uncommon to hear he has to go for tests or see a specialist now and again. I offered to take off that hospital Monday to watch my niece since sheís only three. My sister was very appreciative but declined.

I didnít think anything of it until our momís old best friend called me last week out of the blue. I immediately became confused when she okayed using her house on the 19th, too. [She and her husband own a beach house down south that we all rent from her every summer and occassional weekends when we just need to get away.] When she realized she called back the wrong sister by mistake, she laughed and I had to pretend I knew about this secret trip and just went along with her when she said she thought my sister and her husband were crazy wanting to head down there right after work on Friday (the 19th) instead of waiting early Saturday morning like they initially planned. I had wondered if my sister would fess up on her own about this secret trip so I begged my momís friend not to tell her she mistakenly called me making up some crap about how my sister hadnít told me yet she was going to leave a day early.

I havenít brought this up yet to my sister at all. Iím not upset sheís going away at all. If she wanted to go away without telling anybody thatís fine. My problem is the fact that she lied about it especially using her husbandís health to lie with without needing to because I would have never questioned why she was taking off that Monday and Tuesday.

I only have one idea regarding her motive but I still feel either way she needs to be honest. We meaning them and my SO and me spent this past Christmas at the beach house. It was such a great trip at first but my SO picked a fight with me two days before we left for back home. This also happened the last time we all went away. One day well after the trip when it was just my sister and me alone she admitted that my SO had put them in an uncomfortable situation because it was a private matter yet he chose a family trip to lash out. The best part is when my SO asked them a while back when we would be renting the house again this summer so he could put in for his days, my brother-in-law said he wasnít sure yet and that we may have to go separately this year or have overlapping days only.

I confided in one friend who told me to just continue to pretend I donít know about the 19th to the 23rd and instead when she comes back ask what the deal is for this summer so I donít get shut out from vacation picks for the summer. Iím just worried that will solve nothing. I already can picture my sister saying ďWe still donít know, but we donít want to hold you guys so go without us for now this summerĒ without addressing perhaps they donít want to really admit they are done doing things with my SO.

If I do admit I know they went away for the weekend when they get back, it could give me the opportunity to clear the air. I just donít know how to bring it up without sounding invasive.

Iím really torn regarding what I should do. I keep saying I should just let this one lie slip, but at the same time using medical stuff for my brother-in-law as the lie really hurts.
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Old July 10th, 2017, 11:10 PM
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Re: Sister's Continuing to Lie

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Originally Posted by victorious View Post
My friend also said that perhaps my sister and BIL are just trying to keep the peace acting the way they do because they're leaving the possibility of rekindling at least a cordial relationship with my SO again in the distant future even though my BIL has claimed he has had it with my SO.
This.

victorious, please don't take this as unkind because it is not intended to be. Your S and BIL did not put you in a position of choosing between them or your SO, and for that I hope you are grateful. They are trying to keep the peace, and they are being very clumsy in doing so. They are being very (imo) gracious and loving towards you. They shouldn't lie, but for some reason they feel they need to.

You chose your SO, but you can't force them to. You haven't forced them to, but you are hurt that they haven't voluntarily.



Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious
My only problem with this last idea is the thought of being fed more lies for months on end, especially if ultimately they don't want any relationship with my SO.
This is completely understandable. The hard part is that your sister seems to be lying not because you directly ask her, but because she is trying to avoid what she perceives will be your expectations. For example, you knew you wouldn't be invited for cake for your BIL's birthday, but she didn't know that you knew that. She was trying to find a way to avoid inviting you without putting the blame where it belongs.

Your sister doesn't know how to address the elephant in the room, and it is making her uncomfortable. You sound like you have no problem addressing the elephant.

What kind of relationship do you have with your sister? Would it be possible for you to tell her (in advance of birthdays and traditional time spent together) that you know that she doesn't want a relationship with your SO at the present time, so you understand if they make other plans for times that are traditionally spent with you? Let her off the hook, making the lies unnecessary. I wouldn't confront her about lying. Like you said, she's doing it because she loves you.
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Old July 11th, 2017, 12:33 AM
victorious victorious is offline
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Re: Sister's Continuing to Lie

I don't take that as unkind at all. I appreciate your honesty. I'm thankful I didn't have to choose. And if my SO [and he wouldn't, just being hypothetical] ever said it was either him or them I would choose them in a heartbeat.

What you said about the lying makes sense. I didn't think of it that way. I have no problem ever addressing the elephant in the room. I suppose that's how she and I are different. I prefer to be open if there's an issue whereas she will hold back in fear of hurting anybody.

In spite of the age gap, my sister and me are really close. We're close with our brother as well but he and his family live pretty far from us. She and I were very close before our mom died, but after she died we became even closer if that's even possible. She and my brother-in-law were only married for almost two years yet they gave up their apartment, moved into our mother's house, and assumed all the bills until I finished college and was established enough to move out on my own. I guess that's why I take all this to heart.

I do want to tell her what you said regarding them making other plans. Some family events are unavoidable, though, like a cousin's wedding or a relative's eightieth birthday. But in a way I did try to bring up the subject when I had the opportunity back in February. It was my SO's birthday and although we had gone out with his friends we invited my sister, BIL, and niece to dinner on a separate night. Dealing with the after effects of December was relatively new so we didn't know what to do regarding his birthday as we spend birthdays as a family like I mentioned. There was an excuse made of why they couldn't go even when we kept suggesting a couple of alternative nights so I politely told my sister that I completely understood if they weren't coming because they don't want to be bothered anymore with him given the circumstances. She insisted that wasn't the case at all. I suppose I should try again now that all this time has passed and the lies continue?

I do have one worry about the lying, though, if she refuses to acknowledge they don't want a relationship with him and the lies continue. My biggest fear is that there will be a repeat of what happened on the Fourth except it will be unavoidable and put everybody in an awkward situation.
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Old July 11th, 2017, 01:02 AM
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Re: Sister's Continuing to Lie

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Originally Posted by victorious View Post
I do have one worry about the lying, though, if she refuses to acknowledge they don't want a relationship with him and the lies continue. My biggest fear is that there will be a repeat of what happened on the Fourth except it will be unavoidable and put everybody in an awkward situation.
Big hearts and love to your sister and BIL for moving in to your M's house and paying bills until you were established. What wonderful, selfless people! No wonder you care so deeply about them!!

You have such a beautiful fearlessness about you, wanting to discuss the issues and get them on the table. I admire that. I, unfortunately, am more like your sister -- scared of hurting people's feelings and steadfastly ignoring that elephant even if he is juggling fire clubs. LOL.

Your sister can't and won't acknowledge that they don't want a relationship with your SO because that's permanent. She sees lies as a better option so as to not burn the bridge.

My suggestion is to preemptively remove her need to lie before it comes up. And don't say it's because you know your SO behaved badly, because then she'll have to lie and say it's not. I wouldn't worry about weddings and 80th birthday parties. Your S and BIL do not sound like they want drama. They'll be polite.

Maybe some time apart will help them forgive and forget.
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Old July 11th, 2017, 01:26 AM
victorious victorious is offline
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Re: Sister's Continuing to Lie

Aw, thanks. I agree. My extended family would have cared for me of course but what my sister and BIL helped eliminate losing familiar grounds and a childhood home on top of our mom. I eventually had to say goodbye to the house when we sold it, but by then I was in better shape.

That's so nice of you to say I have a beautiful fearlessness within me. Truth be told although I like to clear the air, the thought of hurting anybody kills me. I do everything in my power to prevent such a situation. The image you painted of that elephant juggling fire clubs has brought a smile to my face.

I will try my best to stop my sister's need to lie. Just have to mentally plan it out just like I did with my talk with my BIL.

Ideally it would be great for time to heal all. I don't care if they ultimately don't want a relationship with him. I just want to go back to having a normal relationship with my sister and BIL, some peace, and this uneasy feeling to go away.
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Old July 11th, 2017, 05:27 AM
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Re: Sister's Continuing to Lie

KayKay has given excellent advice, and I'm so impressed with your desire to repair things, Victorious! I know that, if this situation can be repaired, it will be because of your dedication to your family. I wish the world had more people like you!

Quote:
I just want to go back to having a normal relationship with my sister and BIL, some peace, and this uneasy feeling to go away.
I suspect your sister wants the same thing. While you might want to clear the air and have your sister stop lying and be honest, your sister knows that there's no retreat once a confrontation happens. She doesn't want to hurt you needlessly. (Miss Manners would approve of your sister's "white lies" btw.) She doesn't want to say, "I cannot stand being around your SO after the way he treated you," and then behave as if nothing happened. The awkwardness of the truth will always be there, and she's trying to avoid that. She does not realize that her lies have the same result.

Rather than focus on her failings, focus on her love for you.

Last edited by LucyVanPelt; July 11th, 2017 at 05:34 AM.
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Old July 11th, 2017, 12:06 PM
victorious victorious is offline
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Re: Sister's Continuing to Lie

Thanks so much, LucyVanPelt. What you said about my family was so kind.

I love my sister for not wanting to hurt me, but as you said the lies bring awkwardness as does pretending that things are normal. Like it's tough when we'll meet up and she'll ask how my SO is doing among other things like how's his job and family when I know what I know.

I can definitely focus on her love, though.
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Old July 11th, 2017, 01:03 PM
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Re: Sister's Continuing to Lie

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Like it's tough when we'll meet up and she'll ask how my SO is doing among other things like how's his job and family when I know what I know.
We all do that to some degree though.

I have several friends whose kids I think are total jerks. Not that the kids have ever done anything to me personally, but I know how they treat their parents or their peers. I do not like them as people. BUT. They are my friends' kids, so I ask about them and how they are doing, and wish them well. I do this because I care about my friends, not because I care about what is going on in their kids' lives.
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Old July 11th, 2017, 07:48 PM
victorious victorious is offline
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Re: Sister's Continuing to Lie

KayKay - I see what you are saying about asking because you care about your friends and not the kids you are asking about per say. (I do have to say that is so infuriating that they are not nice to their parents!)

I know this doesn't mean anything or change anything at all, but for the longest time after the December debacle even though my sister pretended everything was fine with my BIL she never would ask anything about my BIL. About a couple of months ago she started to.
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