Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > In-laws

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old July 10th, 2017, 09:22 PM
victorious victorious is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 24
victorious is on a distinguished road
My Brother-in-law Hates Me? - UPDATE

I took KayKay's suggestion (THANK YOU!) and was finally able to have a convo face-to-face about my issue and now have a new problem. I'll copy and paste the original post at the end of this so you don't have to go a few topics back in the forum.

It was hard to talk to him without my sister's knowledge, but at first I thought the conversation was very productive. He started by telling me what I already knew going in which was he was not crazy about my SO. He told me he loved me and just didn't want to see me get hurt. He also told me that my sister will never be fully honest with me regarding how she feels because of her soft nature. (Her lack of honesty is becoming a problem but I will save that for the appropriate forum).

He was non-combative and completely listened to me when I acknowledged how I wasn't happy with my SO, but that he has been dealt with. I explained that ever since I pretty much told my SO that he is on thin ice since our Christmas trip that he has been on his best behavior these past few months. (I am being completely honest when I tell you that my SO and I have not had any major fight since Christmas). However my SO is not an idiot and suspects he isn't really liked by my BIL or sister but more so my BIL. Apparently my SO has texted him to be friendly a few times in the past couple of months like asking him how he's been feeling, a TV show they both watch, etc. I had some idea that my SO texted him, but I found out from my BIL that he sometimes doesn't bother replying to them. When I asked him why he bothers entertaining the other texts my BIL said he does it for me to keep the peace.

We concluded the conversation with the fact that he wants as little interaction with my SO as possible. Also he said that of course he and my sister would support me like if I ever moved out and in general theyw ould never stop caring about me and they just want me happy. When it was time to go, we hugged and I left on good terms.

That was mid-June and more problems have occurred. I haven't seen my BIL since then but when I shot him a friendly text for his birthday he was appreciative, but unusually curt. To test the waters I recently texted him and he was back to being very cold like how I described in my original post. I guess given we at least had a good face-to-face conversation just let his anger be? Or not? One of my friends told me that he's being the way he is in a text because behind a screen it's easy to act however you want and that if I were to wish him a happy birthday in person or have any conversation with him for that matter in person he would be as kind as he normally is and how he demonstrated during our little talk.

Maybe this sounds selfish but his unwillingness (and my sister's) to clear the air is killing me. It's getting to the point where I wish they would say their peace to my SO so we can all move on especially since my SO has caught on, especially if they truly don't want to repair a relationship with him as my BIL has made it seem. I'm the one that has to deal with him now having random moments of getting upset and worrying about his relationship with them while I have to pretend for the time being like my BIL does that everything is fine and he's just so busy.


-ORIGINAL POST-
Because he's been together with my sister for so long, my brother-in-law has pretty much been a brother to me for many years which has been a comfort since our actual brother lives far away. Anyway I think it is pretty safe to say he is not a huge fan of my SO and neither is my sister, but she won't admit it.

It wasn't always like that. They got along well with my SO until he acted like a jerk in front of them a few times where he started such petty fights, two happening on a trip with them. After the second one at Christmas I told my SO that in spite of our long history together that I had enough of his change of behavior lately and that I was going to move out. That really got his attention and ever since then things have been really good with us reminding me of how things used to be before my SO's moody and snappy period. He's not completely off the hook but he's made so much effort to find himself and communicate and we haven't fought once since the Christmas situation.

I don't blame my BIL or my sister for ever feeling uncomfortable when they witnessed our arguments and don't expect them to just forgive or forget the past, but I feel like my BIL is taking out how he feels about my SO on me when I didn't do anything. When we are around people like at a family event he hugs me hello like he always has, won't ignore me if I'm talking at the table, and will be sociable. However if we are ever alone it's a little different. It's quiet and he looks at me like he's so annoyed with me. If he ever were to hear I were sick or anything like that he would normally drop me a text asking if I'm okay and the one time that happened this year he never once did that.

I don't want to start anything or make things worse so I haven't approached him. I at first tried to lightly crack my sister by half-jokingly bringing up the fact that her husband must be allergic to me and she always has an excuse like his job or his worry about his health because he had a health scare back in the winter (he's completely fine now, just has to go for tests every now and again). He backed out of going out to eat recently with just me, my sister, and my niece and when I brought up that he must be upset with me about something, her response was, Why would he be upset with you? You did nothing wrong.

I know I am babbling but it is getting to the point where I'm hurt. My BIL has always said he would be there for me and I feel like he's punishing me for something I didn't do. My sister nor him ever got involved in my SO and I's arguments, but the one thing they both said after one where I was outside in tears was I deserved better. I'm not asking him to be buddy buddy with my SO but I should at least get treated the way he always has, right? It's not like I force them to spend time together or ever dare to talk about my SO in front of him and even my sister lately.

I confided in one of my friends, who said she thinks in her opinion that my BIL is not angry with me but just angry with the situation with my SO but unfortunately he's taking it out on me because he cares about me and hated witnessing seeing me get hurt. She said men handle anger a little weirdly sometimes because it's easier to feel anger than have to deal with other emotions.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old July 10th, 2017, 09:43 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 15,894
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me? - UPDATE

Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious View Post
Maybe this sounds selfish but his unwillingness (and my sister's) to clear the air is killing me. It's getting to the point where I wish they would say their peace to my SO so we can all move on especially since my SO has caught on, especially if they truly don't want to repair a relationship with him as my BIL has made it seem. I'm the one that has to deal with him now having random moments of getting upset and worrying about his relationship with them while I have to pretend for the time being like my BIL does that everything is fine and he's just so busy.
You can lead a horse to water...

victorious, it is not your BILs place or your sister's place to clear the air. They don't want to move on and repair the relationship. They don't like your SO because of what they witnessed. You can't force them to; it will either happen naturally with time or it won't. Has your SO apologized to them for the way he treated you in front of them?

I am very glad that you had the conversation with him. You have done what you needed to do. It's time to let it rest now. It is apparent that he's not willing to forgive your SO just because you have. They told you that they thought you deserved better and they apparently still believe that. I'm sorry for that. I know it must hurt that your family doesn't like your SO, but at least they are trying to be civil even if it is from a distance. Be grateful that they love you and will be there if you need them.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old July 10th, 2017, 10:38 PM
victorious victorious is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 24
victorious is on a distinguished road
Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me? - UPDATE

Thanks for your quick reply.

Not long after we came home from that trip when I laced into my SO he said he did admit to him he was wrong for having an outburst on a trip like that and apologized.

I completely agree with you but the problem I am having is how to handle my SO since my BIL keeps making excuses of why we can't all get together while ignoring some texts and answering others where he actually keeps replying to him.

When I saw time was going on that things were not okay and I thought that maybe my BIL was going to be honest with my SO, I tried my best to prepare my SO by reminding him that although he was sorry he had to realize that having to contend with two outbursts on two trips in a row had to be hard on my BIL and sister. My SO thought I was worrying for nothing, but decided to give them space not realizing they already had distanced themselves.

As you read my BIL said he wants to keep things easy for me and wants to keep the peace hence why he doesn't ignore all his texts. So do I just play along and keep assuring my SO when he gets upset that my BIL's just busy with work or whatever?

Also after our nice conversation why is my BIL back to being cold to me? Should I not read into it?
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old July 10th, 2017, 10:42 PM
victorious victorious is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 24
victorious is on a distinguished road
Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me? - UPDATE

Oh and when I mean move on I mean not having to live a lie that everything is okay. I didn't mean move on as we forget what happened in December and the four of us going back to being chummy. Sorry! I should have clarified that in the post.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old July 10th, 2017, 11:25 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 15,894
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me? - UPDATE

Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious View Post
I completely agree with you but the problem I am having is how to handle my SO since my BIL keeps making excuses of why we can't all get together while ignoring some texts and answering others where he actually keeps replying to him.

When I saw time was going on that things were not okay and I thought that maybe my BIL was going to be honest with my SO, I tried my best to prepare my SO by reminding him that although he was sorry he had to realize that having to contend with two outbursts on two trips in a row had to be hard on my BIL and sister. My SO thought I was worrying for nothing, but decided to give them space not realizing they already had distanced themselves.

As you read my BIL said he wants to keep things easy for me and wants to keep the peace hence why he doesn't ignore all his texts. So do I just play along and keep assuring my SO when he gets upset that my BIL's just busy with work or whatever?

Also after our nice conversation why is my BIL back to being cold to me? Should I not read into it?


Eep. Your SO does understand that actions have consequences, right?

I am glad your SO is making an effort towards your BIL. The reason your BIL responds to some and not to others is because he is trying to keep the peace for you by responding to some, but does not want things to go back to how they were before by responding to all.

Here's the deal. You don't play along with your SO. You don't make excuses for your BIL. Your SO was in the wrong, and he needs to accept that your BIL doesn't want to be his buddy right now. Your BIL isn't going to be honest with your SO, ever. There is no more relationship between them; your BIL is only tolerating your SO's existence out of love for you.

Please don't push your SO on your S and BIL, and also don't vilify your S and BIL to your SO.

This is tough. Your relationship as couples is permanently damaged. Your S and BIL still love you, but they do not like your SO any longer. Do you feel that they no longer condone the relationship? IMO, that is why your BIL is back being cold to you.

Also... you mentioned in another post that you have a niece. It is very possible that they don't want their daughter seeing another outburst by your SO. I sure as heck wouldn't.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old July 10th, 2017, 11:55 PM
victorious victorious is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 24
victorious is on a distinguished road
Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me? - UPDATE

Thanks so much. You have really great advice.

So what if after not playing along with my SO that instead of just realizing his actions have consequences and forgetting my BIL, he takes it upon himself to ask my BIL to tell him the truth? I don't think at this point my BIL ever will given he wants to keep the peace. He will either ignore the text or lie that everything is okay.

I don't push my SO on them at all. He took it upon himself to try to be friendly with my BIL again and after the face-to-face conversation with my brother I'm done vilifying my SO unless something is ever brought up by him again. It just hurts that he went from being so warm that day giving me his usual brotherly hugs to cold texts you know?

Yes, I completely get what you mean about my niece and used that in my argument when I blasted him. Good news is she's only three and at the time was two on our last two trips so she didn't understand what was going on and was taken away from the situations early on. That doesn't change anything of course.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old July 11th, 2017, 12:40 AM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 15,894
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me? - UPDATE

Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious View Post
So what if after not playing along with my SO that instead of just realizing his actions have consequences and forgetting my BIL, he takes it upon himself to ask my BIL to tell him the truth? I don't think at this point my BIL ever will given he wants to keep the peace. He will either ignore the text or lie that everything is okay.
I think your only choice is to stay out of it. I'm so sorry. I know how hurtful it must be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious
It just hurts that he went from being so warm that day giving me his usual brotherly hugs to cold texts you know?
I can imagine. I'm so sorry.

Quote:
Yes, I completely get what you mean about my niece and used that in my argument when I blasted him. Good news is she's only three and at the time was two on our last two trips so she didn't understand what was going on and was taken away from the situations early on. That doesn't change anything of course.
I'm relieved to hear that your niece had limited exposure. All I can say is... I'm a mom. I am a passive, non-confrontational kinda gal until my kid is exposed to something. Heaven help the soul who does it. I don't even know where it comes from, but there's an inner determination that can move mountains if it needs to do so to protect my kid. Well, there used to be. LOL. My kids are now 22 and 20 years old. Momma Bear is more like "Meh" these days.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old July 11th, 2017, 12:51 AM
victorious victorious is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 24
victorious is on a distinguished road
Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me? - UPDATE

I have no problem staying out of it. I just don't want my SO pounding for advice of what to do because he is getting mixed signals from BIL.

You seem like a really great mom and such a great person. It's nearly three in the morning my time and even if it's not the same case for you, I feel so much better being able to talk to somebody.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old July 11th, 2017, 01:13 AM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 15,894
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me? - UPDATE

Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious View Post
You seem like a really great mom and such a great person. It's nearly three in the morning my time and even if it's not the same case for you, I feel so much better being able to talk to somebody.
Empty nester/Night Owl/Central Time Zone. Just don't expect anything at 8:00am your time. LOL. That's what LucyVanPelt is for. (Hi Lucy! ) At any rate, I'm glad you feel better. I think you have a really good handle on it. You're kind of stuck in the middle.

Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious
I have no problem staying out of it. I just don't want my SO pounding for advice of what to do because he is getting mixed signals from BIL.
That's the tough part. Just be honest. Your BIL is trying for your sake, and needs to go at his pace. Patience, patience.... Just tell your SO that this is unchartered territory for you, you have no advice, and you appreciate his efforts.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old July 11th, 2017, 01:16 AM
victorious victorious is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 24
victorious is on a distinguished road
Re: My Brother-in-law Hates Me? - UPDATE

Thanks so much!

I wish I could borrow some of your time zone as getting up for work is not going to be fun in a few hours. lol However, I honestly wouldn't have gotten a wink of sleep had not spoken to somebody.

I definitely am stealing your last line word for word if it comes up!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:09 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network