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Old May 27th, 2012, 09:50 AM
nebulous nebulous is offline
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I confronted my mother

I confronted my mother this morning and Ive taken a break because I feel ike I am about to lose it on her. She said something this morning about us not talking and how she needed a break because it always seemed to go south. I said “Well I'm not talking to you because of that weird comment you made” She asked which and I told her “You said I used to flaunt my boyfriends when I was a teenager.” She said “Well maybe it bothers you because there's some truth to it... and you weren't a teenager when I said it.” (Duh.. she said it just a few weeks ago :roll eyes. She mentioned how I was in a hammock at her house a few years ago with a guy I was seeing and mentioned how we broke it (which I dont recall). She was approaching us gingerly and I saw her and said “Its ok... we're not doing anything anymore”. Part of the reason I said it was because for a while I lived in the downstairs family room. She knew this same guy was staying with me one night and the next morning didnt even try to knock but just walked in on us in bed in the morning. We werent having sex and were covered with the sheets but very startled. I also once caught her peeking in the windows when she knew I was getting dressed for an event that usually takes me a long time to dress for.

Anyway then she said something even weirder. She said “I think you've always felt competitive with me with everything”. ?????????? I was shocked and she also said something about me being afraid she's going to take boyfriends away (actually... thats another bone of contention I didnt mention. One time when I was a teenager I told my boyfriend I was getting in the shower upstairs. I turned on the water but crept back down really quiet and put my hands around his eyes. He said “Thank God we're alone now”. (I think my mother was home but not sure. I jumped back stunned. He opened his eyes and looked surprised. I said “Who did you think I was??” He said “I was just kidding”. I have always to this day wondered if she had come onto him/was having an affair).

My mother also said “I gave you a a lot of sexual freedom and let you be a wild child... but looks like I gave you too much”. I said “Wow.. thats hypocritical” and told her “Congratulations.. you've become you're mother” (her mother used to make derogatory comments about her sexuality and boy activity etc...). She never used to believe me either when I said I was going to the movies or wherever with a male friend and not to have sex. I gave up trying to defend myself.

She did a gross laugh thru a lot of the conversation.. as if I was being ridiculous. I told her I told a therapist friend about her comment and he also found it strange... her response: “Well of course a therapist would say that.” I told her “I know you cant have a normal relationship with a man and I'm sorry... but dont take it out on me”. She said “Believe I could find a man”

Also earlier I was trying to make some food using the counter but there were crumbs all over it (as there usually are) from her making toast or something. I said “Can you clean these crumbs up when you make them?” She said “Why dont you?” (she expects me to do everything around the house because I cant pay rent right now because I'm not working which means trash overflowing when I dont take care of it... expects me to always take care of and return the recycling stuff... she never vaccuums.... although she never vaccuumed when I didnt live here either). She also said “Maybe their not all mine” I said “I use a plate when I make stuff here”. She said “OH ok you're better than me”. I said “I'm not trying to say I'm better... its just a common courtesy” She said “Oh well I'm not very courteous. I'm doing the best I can” All she does every day (including holidays because I dont spend them with her) is sit in front of the computer and make stuff to eat. I dont think she even goes for walks anymore.

The only think I can deem about flaunting boyfriends (and weird coming from a mother who apparently wanted me to be the wild child she never could.. as she told me once she wished she could have slept around a lot but her religion and abuse wouldnt allow it) was it was me making a statement that THIS FAMILY CAN HAVE MALE RELATIONSHIPS and also maybe the fact she made my father go away I was sort of saying "See I CAN have a man in my life".. I think if anything the latter is more true. Also she seems to always think or want to think women are jealous of her Ive noticed over the years and has no female friends really.

Last edited by nebulous; May 27th, 2012 at 10:04 AM.
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Old May 27th, 2012, 11:12 AM
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Re: I confronted my mother

Taking a break is good. I hope you're living somewhere else now, but if you aren't, definitely get your own place. She's got some serious issues going on and she's put the burden of those issues on you. The conversations reveal a very unhealthy relationship and it's possible that your mom may not be capable of a healthy relationship with you. You, however, want to be able to have healthy relationships with others. Continue with your counseling and good luck.
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Old May 27th, 2012, 12:01 PM
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Re: I confronted my mother

Lucy is right - sorry things aren't going well
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Old May 27th, 2012, 02:22 PM
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Re: I confronted my mother

She has been very nice to me since we talked and is offering me some of her credit card points toward airfare to go to my sister's wedding next month (oh what fun that will be :roll eyes: ) My sister is marrying this guy who looks like he could be, not her father, but grandfather. I really dont want to go for numerous reasons.

Anyway I'm kind of shocked how nice my mother appears to be being all of a sudden and I'm waiting for the gauntlet to fall though.

Can I please ask what you all think of her latest comments?
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Old May 27th, 2012, 03:14 PM
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Re: I confronted my mother

Quote:
Originally Posted by nebulous View Post

Can I please ask what you all think of her latest comments?
The conversations reveal a very unhealthy relationship and it's possible that your mom may not be capable of a healthy relationship with you

Being shocked at your mother's nice behavior and waiting for the gauntlet to fall through are both signs of a co-dependent relationship. I honestly believe that YOU should be in counseling to work through the unhealthy things you've inherited. The more you reveal about your relationship, the more convinced I am that you're dealing with issued beyond those that anonymous lay people on the internet can fix.
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Old May 27th, 2012, 08:54 PM
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Re: I confronted my mother

Thanks Lucy... but I guess I'd like to know if you think her retort comments seem off-base, show denial, or are or just mean etc....
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Old May 27th, 2012, 09:42 PM
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Re: I confronted my mother

IMO, they reflect her reality, her perspective and her opinion. Like Lucy said, they reveal an unhealthy relationship between you two. I worry that you are getting stuck in this blame game (I said/she said) when you need to be breaking free. It's as though you are in quicksand. Struggling against it (confronting your mother, for example, or going over in your mind all of the things that she has done which have hurt you) doesn't free you... it only makes you sink further.

You are an adult who needs to not be so deeply affected by her mother's issues. I guess this isn't making sense to you, but you mustn't take your mother's problems and make them your own. She has already done that to you. You have to extricate yourself because you have your own healing to do.
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Old June 3rd, 2012, 11:39 AM
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Re: I confronted my mother

Another confrontation today... primarily because my sister is getting married next month and I dont want to go to the wedding because I dont like the guy she is marrying and think she is doing it based on her daddy issues as the guy looks old enough to be her grandfather and I'm tired of this family's men issues.

So I mentioned to my mother her comment of how she thinks I have always competed with her about everythying. At first she denied she made it then she said yeah she does think I've felt competitive. I said "If anything I think the other way around" (as often I'll wear an outfit and the next day she'll be wearing very similar and her flirting with my boyfriends and wishing she could do music like I do etc...)

She added that she herself doesnt know why she feels or says the things she does and then "Ah the unbearable lightness of being" (she always goes into some foofy Zen-like **** when presented with facts which she 'doesnt believe in' :roll eyes: ) I said "well the unbearable part is right on"

Then she started "Just get over it already. It was just one comment!" I knew she would take this approach so I started telling her I've told friends and even reactions from this forum to help back me up. I said "One very troubling comment that one doesnt just get over after discovering in their mid-life"

I'm am really at a loss of perspective right now. It would be really helpful to know what others would feel and how they would deal with this if you were in my shoes... and how disturbing the comments would be to you.

Last edited by nebulous; June 3rd, 2012 at 11:49 AM.
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Old June 3rd, 2012, 01:26 PM
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Re: I confronted my mother

Quote:
Originally Posted by nebulous View Post
I'm am really at a loss of perspective right now. It would be really helpful to know what others would feel and how they would deal with this if you were in my shoes... and how disturbing the comments would be to you.
I'm not sure why that would be helpful to you, since you have your own feelings and ways of dealing with things, but here goes:

(1) How I would feel: I would feel an extreme need to make the drama stop. I'm an adult and I would very much need to escape my mother's issues and concentrate on my own life.

(2) How I would deal with this if I were in your shoes: I would try to figure out why that comment bothered me so much and take ownership of my own resolution. Your mother will not change, she will not see the light, she will not do anything other than be herself and continue to behave the same way to you. You are locking horns with her, and two rams who lock horns both end up dying a slow death of starvation. I would not continue fighting over this because it is getting nowhere.

(3) How disturbing the comments would be to me: Not very. I might think they were weird, but I would consider them more illuminating than disturbing. The comments themselves merely shed light on underlying issues. The issues would be of more concern to me than the comments.

I'm sorry that my take on the situation doesn't help you. We are unique people and I have not walked that mile in your shoes.
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Old June 3rd, 2012, 01:50 PM
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Re: I confronted my mother

Thanks so much for your comments KayKay... they really help offer me perspective!
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