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Old October 18th, 2016, 12:55 PM
aregularfamilyguy aregularfamilyguy is offline
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How do I get my to contribute.

How do I say thisÖ..
I am a 43 year old taxi driver. I havenít always been a taxi driver. When our son was born seven years ago, I was working with one of the largest energy companies. Due to child care needs, and my wifeís working hours (sheís a nurse), I had to work fewer and fewer hours, and eventually, I was asked to either work full-time or leave the job, and I had to resign. One of the reasons was that my wife declined to modify the days and hours she would work. She was working full-time, had the option of working three long days and care for our little boy on the other four days of the week, while I would work the other three or four days. Because of the nature of my work, I could only work between 8am to 6pm. To this day, I regret leaving that job.

Before coming to this country, I was working in my country of birth, with an American computer company. Despite trying to get back into IT for nearly a year and half here in the UK, I was unsuccessful and some of the rejection letters I got were ridiculous and some were condescending.

We broke up in 2013 and she moved out with my son. Soon afterwards, she resigned from her job. She cut off all communications and I wasn't even allowed to see my son. I had to approach county court to get her to respond. I obtained court orders to have visitation right, and another one to stop her from taking my son out of the country. Nearly two years later, we managed to work things out and she moved back in.

While she was living away from home, she was given a council house and she was living on benefits. After coming back home, my wife seemed to have developed a dislike for work. But, our financial realities forced her to work one day a week through agencies in hospitals. She started contributing 40% towards the monthly mortgage payment. But, declined to contribute financially for anything else. For the sake of keeping my family together, I continued to pay the rest of the bills including car loan and repayment of two credit cards, overdraft and two small loans. I do not want to bore you with a list.

I work six days a week, and up to 60 hours. I still struggle to pay the bills on time. I am always behind council tax and I am tired of paying penalties to the mortgage lender because I miss the cut-off date almost every month.
I mentioned earlier that my wife is a nurse. She worked full-time for 12 years. These days, she works through an agency, often, one shift per week.

For the past one year, I had been trying to convince her to work two extra shifts per month. That extra money can take a huge load off my shoulders.

Every morning, I wake up around 4am and check my bank balance. If it is in minus, it means, I have a payment/direct debit, and I have till 2pm to pay that money into my bank account. I have spread all my regular payments instead of having them all being paid on one day. I think I am like a fisherman, going out to sea, and sometimes coming back with a good catch and often with just a few.

This month, I havenít paid the council tax yet. I know I am going to receive another warning letter from the council any day. I often worry that I might have an accident and become unable to earn or become invalid. I fear I might have a stroke or die, and worry how my family will cope.
I have tried every possible way I can think of, to get my wife to help. Her argument, always, is, that she was living peacefully at the house council provided (receiving benefits) and I made her come back, so, I have to take care of it all.

I can feel that I get tired quicker than I used to, and I want to come home after 8 or 9 hoursí work. But, the fear of missing payments or for the lack of money for shopping, I work that extra bit, and do the shopping on my way back home. I am able to take care of my family, at the moment. But, when all the essentials are prioritized, often less important things like a new pair of shoes or new pair of glasses are pushed down the list. My greatest fear is of being unable to work and not being able to support my son to go to college. Even during the toughest and darkest hours during our separation, I did not stop paying into his trust fund, which I started when he was born. My dream is to send him to a good university and see him graduate.

I fear if I continue to work long hours as I do now, I may not last long enough to see my dream come true. Heart attack and stroke run in my family (from both sides). Something tells me that if I donít slow down, I might burn out soon and will be completely useless to my family and possibly even end up being abandoned and alone. I donít know how I can bring about some positive change into my family.

A regular family guy.
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Old October 18th, 2016, 01:30 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: How do I get my to contribute.

Hmm. I'm almost afraid to answer this, because I don't want to offend you. You are obviously a hard-working guy who has his priorities in the right place, and deserve praise for that.

The thing that strikes me is that your entire post seemed very self-centered. Please know that I don't mean that as an insult! It's just that you are very clear about how your situation has affected you and your life, but don't talk much about your wife. Does she contribute to the household in other ways? Cooking, cleaning, child care, etc.? What I'm trying to get at is that it doesn't seem, from the way you presented it, that you and your wife are a team working for a common goal (sending your son to college). Your wife doesn't seem invested in being a part of your team, and I wonder why?

Originally Posted by aregularfamilyguy View Post
Her argument, always, is, that she was living peacefully at the house council provided (receiving benefits) and I made her come back, so, I have to take care of it all.
So what she is saying is that her life away from you was better than her life with you? I'm confused. How did you "make" her come back. Maybe you are of a culture I'm not familiar with. She has free will and the right to decide for herself about coming back and staying, correct?

I'm sorry, I don't think I'm being very helpful. I'm just confused about the scenario. Your wife could be clinically depressed, she could be very unhappy in your marriage, she could be burned out from nursing and need a career change, or she could be working very hard in the home and with your son while you are working the 60 hours per week and unable to take on more. I really just don't know. Would you mind posting more about what her day-to-day life is like? Does she worry about bills too?
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domestic expenses, family, finance, marital issues, stroke

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