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Old October 16th, 2009, 06:24 AM
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New Thread for Seeking Sensibility

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Re: MIL continues to act out
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee
she refuses to work and help out, so my son works 3 jobs to keep her and my grand daughter in label clothes, and I've been told that she spends thousands a month on clothing alone? I don't know if that's true...


My friend’s husband picked up extra work when their kids were young so that she could be home with the children. They, as a family, decided that it would be best for mom to be home. You don’t know if it’s true….but if he is working just to pay for clothes, how is that any of your business? It’s not your problem. If it was your problem, you should do something about it. Should you confront your dil about their finances and the type of clothes they wear? How do you think that’d go? Better yet, why don’t you discuss it with your son? Why don’t you tell him that he’s working in vain. All of those extra hours are meaningless. Thus, his life is worthless. Let me know how this goes for you.
You gossip about your dil. You obviously don’t like her. Still, are you willing to do what you need to do in order to have a sound relationship with your son and granddaughter?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee
1st….I sent my DIL a birthday card b/c it's what I do…I certainly wouldn't think of sending my grand daughter and my son a card and leaving her out…I couldn't do that. It would be a very vindictive and hurtful thing to not send her something. It was her birthday, and no, I didn't expect it to change anything. I will be honest and tell you, that I really didn't know if I should, but in the end, I decided to do what I normally would do.
2. We were raised to believe that giving money gifts is much better then giving a gift, that way the person can buy what they want or need with the money. Right or wrong, I don't want to get into a debate of which that it's wrong to send money…b/c that would be insulting my parents and I'd get upset about that. Some people send gifts…I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it's simply what we do.


This is exactly what I would expect my mil to say. You took thought and time in your answer. You even numbered it! The card was completely rhetorical. You don’t get it! The rhetoric offended your dil. Tell me, did you send a note with it or did you just sign your name? You obviously did something to make your dil angry. She went as far as to send it back to you. You definitely made her very, very angry because she substantiated her issue enough to offer a postal stamp. She’s screaming out to you! She does not want you in their lives and she’s mad. The ball is not in her court, it’s in yours. My mil is a lost cause. The only reason that I am writing to you is because you’re in agony. I truly hope and believe that you would like to make things better. Is your son your only child? What’s the deal?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee
I know she has hated me from day one


This is what you have in common with LL. Day 1 hate. I'm sorry that this happened. My opinion may mean nothing. This is too serious.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee
told the truth about what my DIL did to me, how she treated me….when my son wasn't within ear shot

I missed this. What did she do?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee
one must communicate and talk…even if another doesn't always agree, it's a way to get different perspectives and advice…and a very good way to self examine, which is where I believe a lot of productive answers come from.

Absolutely. Tell us about your last conversation?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee
my DIL views this as a sort of love triangle…with my son in the middle. Two women fighting over one man

Absolutely. Too often, I’ve realized that my mil is the other woman. This dual-loyalty is wrong and has to end. Left unattended, this issue will explode. It has for me. I suppose it all comes down to your beliefs. I believe, at marriage, a man is to leave his mother and cleave to his wife. However, there are religions that strongly differ.

I’m sure you don’t like me. You have many similarities to my mil. If you are willing to continue this discussion, I would advise that you start a new thread. My responses to you do not seem to be in accordance to this thread. LL’s issues appear to involve alcoholism, drug abuse, physical safety, and implied marital issues. In-law issues can surely lead to the latter issues, but let's stick to the fundamentals, ok? Her issues are extremely, lawfully serious. When those issues are at hand, it’s a no-brainer.


I have so much to say, but I fear that it may be useless in this thread. You hate your dil. What will ever change?
  #2  
Old October 16th, 2009, 08:00 AM
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Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility

My son is working to provide the farm that she found and wanted, the horses, food, heating bills, clothing, beauty shops, nails, etc. And I think it is important for a mother to stay home and raise her children if she can. They have one child, who is now in school full time. Your right, I agree, it's none of my business…however, he's been working 3 jobs for 12 years, and that didn't provide enough money, so he's left the country and taken a very dangerous job in a war zone, to make a lot of money so he can provide his family with all their wants and needs.

While I sound like your MIL, please keep in mind, I am not, and you are not my DIL… and are not aware of the entire story. She and I were friends, until they were married…I went there for a visit and she turned like day and night. Her and her sister were very nasty to me when he wasn't around and sweet when he was.

It’s not your problem. If it was your problem, you should do something about it.

No, it isn't my problem, it's my sons…who has no hobbies of his own, no down time of his own, he never gets to do anything on his own…after the 3 jobs, he does the shopping…he took care of the baby and changed her diapers, he does his own ironing, a lot of cooking and cleaning and laundry. Plus takes care of the horses. At least now, she will have to become more independent, which might be a great thing as far as they're marriage and appreciating him more? And he her, as well. I am not the only one who feels this way, his father and his two step brothers and step sister feel the same way as well.

Should you confront your dil about their finances and the type of clothes they wear? How do you think that’d go? Better yet, why don’t you discuss it with your son? Why don’t you tell him that he’s working in vain. All of those extra hours are meaningless.

My grand daughter won the best dressed kid in pre school…what do you think the teacher was trying to tell her? That she was making my GD a target. The kids mock her all the time…her mother passes it off as "oh they're just jealous". My DIL is absolutely stunning…she over dresses so much that she actually intimidates other girls her age. She always look like she just stepped off the cover of a magazine. And no, I cannot or will not discuss it with either one of them, it's something they're going to have to work out or learn on their own. She puts make up on a 7 year old…rouge, eye liner, lipstick??????? My DIL lives this grandiose soap opera life out of magazines…she is absolutely beautiful and believes her looks, clothes and body (she is constantly working out…which is a great thing, but I just wanted you to know), that her interests doesn't ever go beyond herself.

Thus, his life is worthless. Let me know how this goes for you.
I never said his life was worthless, but I do believe his life and hers could be much better if she'd help him out some. Yes, I do, and she gossips about me…we don't mean to talk about each other, but it's very frustrating and hurtful…do you gossip about your MIL? You don't do it b/c you mean her any ill will…you do it b/c your

hurt, angry and frustrated…everyone wants to be liked…no one likes rejection…

I don't dislike my DIL, I dislike her behavior sometimes…other times, she can be very congenial and fun to be around…but she refuses to show that side to me.

I have done everything in my power to try and make this work, for 13 years…never yelled at her, never talked to her the way she talks to me…and treated her like family…and so did every other member of our family. I was ecstatic to have a DIL, and was proud of my son's pick…never, ever did I think in a million years this would happen. And by the way, my son's life is not worthless….he adores his wife, and I'm very happy that he has experienced real true love, being a husband and father.



This is exactly what I would expect my mil to say.

While it may be, I am not your MIL? And yes, an older generation is going to think and talk some what alike…

You took thought and time in your answer. You even numbered it!

No, I didn't, It's what I think, feel and believe, and it's how I talk, I always say, #1, #2, when I'm explaining something. Please do not try and second guess someone you don't know, or look for the negative b/c I am a MIL.

The card was completely rhetorical. You don’t get it! The rhetoric offended your dil. Tell me, did you send a note with it or did you just sign your name?

Yes, I do get it…I sent the card knowing full well she might return it…and there was a time, I wasn't going to send one…but, as I said before, I wasn't raised to be vindictive, or to seek revenge…I could not send my son and GD a card without sending her one…in my book that would be an awful thing to do. "I wished her a very happy birthday, and hoped she'd celebrate the whole year through". I wrote something like "Birthdays are for Celebrating, here's wishing you a great day and celebration throughout the year". And please, don't pick apart how I write. It's me, it's who I am.

You obviously did something to make your dil angry. She went as far as to send it back to you. You definitely made her very, very angry because she substantiated her issue enough to offer a postal stamp.

Yes, I did, I am the mother of her husband…whom I have very little contact with since they were married…I am the Grand mother of their daughter, who used to send all kinds of gifts, clothes, etc…until I found out she was throwing them away.

I would love to know what I did, other then being his mother to cause her to be so cruel….it started immediately upon my first visit down there to see them…

My son's friend's told me, when my DIL and son were dating, they talked fondly of me all the time…they told her what a great cook I was, and what a great mother and friend I'd been to all of them. How I would take them everywhere, even on weekend trips…we had a great time. My son, was a people magnet, and everyone

loved him…he hung around with both boys and girls, while they were all good friends, the girls dated others and married. They were at the house a lot to. They still come and visit and keep in touch and invite me to their parties. They told me, they think my DIL is cruel and unthinking, and these are his male friends….they could see from the very beginning that she was demanding. She owns my son, and my GD and no one gets in unless she says so….

She’s screaming out to you! She does not want you in their lives and she’s mad.

Oh Absolutely she doesn't and hasn't since they were married. That's when it all started…she was withdrawn and very quiet while they were dating…everyone of his friends say that. I don't live near them, so, I only got to see them maybe twice a year if that. And that's ok…and fine by me, but what I didn't understand for a long time is why she kept being nasty to me? Snappy and aloof. But I finally realized, she didn't want me in their lives…and yes, it is very painful…but it is what it is. Nothing will ever change it.
  #3  
Old October 16th, 2009, 08:00 AM
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Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility

I realize now, if you want to work things out with someone, you sit down and discuss it with them, she has never wanted to and never tried, and when I tried once, she started yelling at me before I could finish a sentence. I went into a shock mode when she started yelling at me, I'm not at all used to that. We, our family never fought…I never heard my mom and dad fight…we had opinions and we were allowed to express them…my mother always treated my father's family like hers….whenever they came for a visit, my mother made it like a holiday…she set up an itinerary to take them site seeing, planned a big picnic so the entire family could spend time together, from both sides…this to me is so alien….so wrong.

I mean, can you even begin to imagine how much this is hurting my son? Any spouse whose better half, doesn't get along with his family, has got to be hurting…and we don’t drink, or do drugs ever.

She is always welcome in my home, my door is never closed. There is much you don't know or understand about her…how she was raised…and what happened to her….

Yes, the deal is, my son is my only child…wish I could have had more children, but could not…was lucky to have him…

I am not a clingy mother, never have been…I have worked since I was 13 years old, and am very independent and a bit of a loner…actually my friends get a little frustrated with me, b/c I love to go places by myself, and be on my own now. I used to be a big party gal…dinner parties, etc…very sociable and lots of friends both young and old. But I don't know, I'm still working full time and really love my down time and solitude. I encouraged my son to travel and gain as much knowledge both scholastically and life experiences….I kept telling him how it's so important to be independent, and taught him how to shop, iron, clean and do laundry, plus cook. He went into the military and I encouraged that…before that, he went to live with his father, and I encouraged that…he was at the age that a son needs to know his father and have a man's influence.

When he went on his honey moon, he called me, and I said, "ohhhh boy, this is not good…and suggested he call me when he returned and tell me all about it, but this was his time with his wife"

Would I like things to be different…sure I would, I miss him and she and I are missing out on so much, things being this way…and I'm certain if my DIL would give me half a chance, she'd realize I'm not the threat to her she always thought I was. You see, her mother abandoned them…she never had the close relationship of family. My DIL went thru things no one should have to go thru…as a matter of fact, sometimes I ponder if deep down, I represent her mother, and that is why she hates me so much? I dunno, sure can't read her mind.

But, yes, the ball is in her court. After She returned the card, it finally hit me…not that I haven't thought about it, but was likely in denial…yes, she has never wanted me in their lives…and, I was warned when she became pregnant and told, by two people, they feared she would use my GD to hurt me. Since My son has gone
away to work, she has only had my GD call me once. I fear calling her, though I would have to call my DIL's cell phone, and when I've called her in the past in the past 13 years, she has never answered nor returned calls.

I will never ever be nasty to her…and never ban her from my life…but things will never change…she's made it clear…so, I'm not going to try any longer. I can guarantee you, when they are in the area, if my son comes for a visit, she will refuse to come…she did that before in the very beginning…and my son and I were spending time together for one day, when they came home…but she didn't like that I guess, b/c she started to pretend to tolerate me, hence giving her more control of the visits, where we go, what we do…and how long they are.

I loved my DIL…and to tell you the truth…I was so excited when my son found her and told me he was giving her a ring. I thought he'd never get married….and thought he was being to picky? He never dated anyone very long. And boy, when he told me he was going to ask her to marry him, it was one of the most memorable days in my life. So, please, don't tell me I hate her, I haven't and never will…am I hurt, yes, do I become angry at times, yes…now, I'm no longer angry, I'm just exhausted of the entire thing.

One more thing, I don't dislike you, I don't even know you…
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Old October 16th, 2009, 09:11 AM
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Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility

It's clear that this is upsetting you.I will suggest, you just let things be,, for now. Trying too hard make thing worse sometimes. MIL and DIL relationship is very complicated one, one between the 2 must really "swallow the bullet" though it hurts so much for the sake of this poor man stuck in between and the innocent GD. Though I am not a MIL, my mother is and I can understand where you coming from. You said you are exhausted of all this, just let things be,,these people who come to you and talk to you about her,, they are not helping the situation at all,, try and avoid them.

One day things will be okay between the 2 of you.
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Old October 16th, 2009, 12:53 PM
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Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility

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Originally Posted by dendah View Post
It's clear that this is upsetting you.I will suggest, you just let things be,, for now. Trying too hard make thing worse sometimes. MIL and DIL relationship is very complicated one, one between the 2 must really "swallow the bullet" though it hurts so much for the sake of this poor man stuck in between and the innocent GD. Though I am not a MIL, my mother is and I can understand where you coming from. You said you are exhausted of all this, just let things be,,these people who come to you and talk to you about her,, they are not helping the situation at all,, try and avoid them.

One day things will be okay between the 2 of you.
Hello Dendah,
I have contact with my son, and when he was home, he made certain my GD phoned me....we talk every week via web cam....he is doing ok...I didn't tell him about the returned card...he doesn't need that on his mind. Maybe she did? Doesn't matter...I don't intend to talk to him about anything any longer, and haven't for a long time...there is nothing anyone can do unless she comes forward and decides all this is silly...

Its not in me to hold a grudge....don't even get angry any more about it...have just accepted it. I'm willing, but it takes two...and she will never change her mind. This way, she has total control.

One of the girls I work with is her age...she has two young children...she asked about the situation...she was hoping it had changed...I told her no, and about the card...she said, "Do you see now that this is what she has wanted from the very beginning, if she didn't, she would have never sent back the card, and #2. she told me, she would have never treated me the way she did.

This woman used to erase phone messages and emails from people, that tried to contact my son...they told me about it, so it wasn't just me.

You say MIL & DIL relationships are complicated...to be honest...I never heard of this stuff until it happened to me...never knew anyone it happened to. Oh, I've heard of minor problems...but nothing even close to this. I know there are many DIL's who have contrary jealous MIL's. It's such a shame.

I feel very badly for anyone DIL's and MIL's who go thru this. It's a horrible way to live.

I hope your mother has been able to resolve any problems...it takes two willing people to do so.

Hugs
Creme
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Old October 17th, 2009, 03:44 PM
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Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility

I resent Seeking Sensibility for saying that I started off with hate toward my MIL. Since day one.

I posted this comment in respsonse to the same remark that you left in my latest thread. I am reposting it here:

Actually, you are wrong. At least, you are when it comes to my issue. MIL and I never did start out on the right foot but there was never any hate on my part. I remember asking my future MIL out to dinner because sitting down and having a hearty conversation with her was important to me. Especially since my husband and I were planning our wedding. All throughout our courtship, MIL has no interest in meeting me. So, we finally met about two months before the wedding! My hubby and I were dating for a while by then but it took his mother that long to come around.

My invitations to dinner went ignored. Many times. Finally, she said to my hubby "JUST BRING HER TO THE BAR". At that point, I realized that she was not accepting of the fact that he was going to marry me. From all places on earth, a bar, OR "their bar", was not the place where I wanted to meet my MIL. It seemed so strange to choose a bar as a meeting place. I could imagine pushing my way through a crowded bar full of smoke just to see MIL. I decided not go. It wasn't ideal to me.

I met her at her home, in the evening, when she was just about to go to bed. Her hair was full of curlers. She was angry with my husband for bringing me by YET she knew that he was going to introduce us that night. So, he told her that she should have waited until we met to get read for bed.

So, please explain to me what did I do wrong in the beginning? Trying hard does not make me a hateful person. Not trying at all, like MIL, was a small indication that she did not like me, or want to like me. At the time, I never thought about hate.

Hateful feelings may develop over years of constant misunderstandings, abuse, lack of communication, etc. I do not think that you understand where I am coming from and I am sorry that you cannot relate because, if you did, then maybe you would not be so quick to judge in the way that you are.


What is your relationship like with your in-laws? PERFECT?
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Old October 21st, 2009, 02:12 AM
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Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility

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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
She puts make up on a 7 year old…rouge, eye liner, lipstick???????
I, too, would have a problem with this. This is a tough one.

Creme, as for everything else, I know that you are not my mil. Your son changed diapers, kudos to him! Yet, you make it sound like he did it because your dil was useless. Really, she does nothing? I have no doubt that my mil believes that my husband works his fanny off just to please me. I have no doubt that my mil will say that I don’t do enough. I have no doubt that my mil is scared silly at this time while she is getting old. I have no doubt that she feels that all her boys, including my husband, would be more beneficial to her if they were unattached. I have no doubt that my mil is extremely jealous of me because I am given attention that she feels that she so rightfully deserves, especially during her golden years!
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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
I have done everything in my power to try and make this work, for 13 years…never yelled at her, never talked to her the way she talks to me…and treated her like family…and so did every other member of our family. I was ecstatic to have a DIL, and was proud of my son's pick…never, ever did I think in a million years this would happen.
My husband’s mother, too, was pleased with her son’s pick. For goodness sake, she pressured my husband. At that time in her life, I was perfect for her. It is and always has been about her.
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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
I have done everything in my power to try and make this work, for 13 years…
Nope
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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
I would love to know what I did, other then being his mother to cause her to be so cruel…

This is where it’s time to pull up the sleeves. Do you really want to know?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
"YOU HURT ME". That's all she kept saying...I wish, now, I wouldn't have been so shocked by her behavior and said to her, "What did I do, how did I hurt you?"

You can still ask her this question. You obviously hurt her. You may not think that you did anything to hurt her, but she does. It’s all about perception. If she perceives that you have hurt her, then it is real in her mind. It’s her reality. This makes it real. Thus, it is your reality and you a hurting, too, as a result. Reach out to her. Tell her that you are sorry that you hurt her. Be real. Be sincere. If you really mean it, she should feel it at some level. Be open. Let her talk. She obviously has so much to say, be willing to listen.

Remember what you said, you are not my mil….you can do this!

Y'know, an issue came up recently about my mil. My 17-year old son knows that I do no like grandma. We still had an issue to discuss. I told my son that it does not matter to me how he feels about me. My greatest concern is about the type of man he will be ten years from now. I care more about the man, worker, husband, and father that he will be later than I care about how he cares about his mother. I mean it!
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Old October 21st, 2009, 06:50 AM
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Re: Reply 1

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Seeking Sensibility Creme, as for everything else, I know that you are not my mil.


Thanks for understanding that...I believe it's very easy to put ourselves into the problems of someone else....for instance, a while back I tried talking on some of these forums about our situation...and it was very hard for the DIL's to understand, b/c they had cruel, self impossed MIL's.

Not everyone is like that...there are some really stinky DIL's out there...believe me...

I'm going to address some of these issues you bought up...please know, I'm not arguing with you...and you don't know my DIL...so it's important that we both remain objective.

Quote:
Your son changed diapers, kudos to him! Yet, you make it sound like he did it because your dil was useless.


No, I don't believe my DIL is useless, I believe your only seeing things from your point of view here...you have to try and understand, my DIL had a very bad childhood...her mother only cared about herself and to heck with the kids...actually, my DIL is the better of four kids. She learned at an early age to turn off her feelings and suit herself, she had to, in order to survive.

Her mother would abandon them and come back over and over again. To give you an idea...how manipulative she can be...and believe me, I don't dislike her, remember, this is learned behavior and conditioning she began at an early age.

They were visiting me...all was going well, but then, my son, started telling me about his job...whenever he does this, she gets really upset...(she needs an incredible amount of attention at all times, and I believe she feels I'm taking his attention away from her when he addresses me) so, I'm not sure it's b/c he's talking to me or for several other reasons.

While, he's talking, she stands up and walks out of my home. She waited out front for my son...we just looked at each other, like, "What the heck". He left, went back to his father's where they were staying, and then returned.

Later, his father told me, they didn't think anything was going on...except that he thought it was odd that my son left by himself again. He came back and we discussed what happened. While he was gone, my son's father said, DIL walked around the house humming, like "mission accomplished". They had no idea anything had happened. She was smiling and happy.

My DIL learned how to pretend and pretends to be useless, or when she wants something, she acts out, and she is out right rude and aloof to others. Personally I think it's a front to act tough...but I don't know....and by pretending to be helpless, she doesn't have to do anything.

In all honesty, she possesses spunk and moxy and there isn't anything she couldn't accomplish if she put her mind to it. And I'm going to say, she has some very good qualities...

Believe me, now that her hubby is away, she is learning to be more independent...but the fact remains, when he comes back, he, is an enabler and he will be the one to take over everything again, and she is perfectly happy with that.

So, they are both to blame, they both feed off each other...

Once we were in a store, and she pretended to get all upset, while asking me, "Where's the soda"? And yes, when he wasn't around, she took care of the baby, she had to, but the abnormal part was, when he was around, she would simply walk away and let him handle it...

Once while driving in the car, the baby had diarreha...poor thing, it was all over the place...he took the baby out of the car seat, placed the baby on a blanket and cleaned her up, while mom freshened her make up and got out and walked around...

Quote:
Really, she does nothing? I have no doubt that my mil believes that my husband works his fanny off just to please me. I have no doubt that my mil will say that I don’t do enough.


Perhaps, but again, I am not your MIL...you and my DIL are two seprate entites...you are not like her, yet, you identify me with your MIL? While I agree with you and know for a fact, that there are stinky MIL's out there, there are good one's to. And there are also, many wonderful DIL's out there...as well as frumpy ones...yanno?

I will say, she has changed over the years, they did go to counseling and she does do a little more...but still relies on my son to do everything for her when he's around, plus work 3 jobs. The last time I was down there, she cleaned and washed up the kitchen and when my son came in she says..."Honey, Look, I washed up the kitchen"...and he acted as if she were a little kid...praising her for doing so? He seems to feed off of giving her so much attention..and if I know him, he's made up his mind, he's going to give her a life she's never known and make her very happy?

Again, please know, this is just not simply what I've seen, but also his father, step mother and step brothers and sister. Not to mention, his aunt. I was told, no one can stand to visit them any longer then 3 days...and it's true...she becomes very moody, you actually start to become afraid, uneasy and just want to get the heck outa there...she doesn't talk...yet, when they come home, they have stayed and actually lived with my son's father, several times...which is ok...but, it's very difficult for her to see beyond herself.

Once, while I was there, they had friends over....the men, were kidding around as men do about wives...nothing major, just a simple joke, everyone laughed and it was over. But, when everyone left, my son got so scared and actually forgot I was there...he walked over to her at the sink and started apologizing to her for kidding around...he was all but down on his knees, I didn't believe what I was seeing? She was pissed and said, "Whatever" and walked into the bedroom.

Quote:
I have no doubt that my mil is scared silly at this time while she is getting old. I have no doubt that she feels that all her boys, including my husband, would be more beneficial to her if they were unattached. I have no doubt that my mil is extremely jealous of me because I am given attention that she feels that she so rightfully deserves, especially during her golden years!


I find that very odd if she feels that way? But, again, I have a different thought pattern...I don't fear getting old...matter of fact, this to me, is the best time of my life...I'm very happy, and constantly making new friends, traveling, and enjoying the comfort of my individuality. No husband to take care of or kids...I find it very suitable and enjoy this time...and look forward to retirement. Plan to take some classes.

I would never ever expect or want my son to take care of me. You have to understand, I am a very independent woman, and what I can't do, I hire people to do.

My son has a wife and child, his own place to work on, his jobs and THAT should be his first priority. To me and for me, having my son and DIL take care of me, well, candidly, it just wouldn't happen.

As far as being jealous...I feel very sorry for your mother in law that she looks at it that way...she should feel happy and fortunate, that her son found the love of his life...? That to me, is so foreign...not to be happy for another's success...? To actually be jealous of your own DIL and son's love is sick, but that's just me?
  #9  
Old October 21st, 2009, 07:02 AM
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Re: Reply 2

Quote:
My husband’s mother, too, was pleased with her son’s pick. For goodness sake, she pressured my husband. At that time in her life, I was perfect for her. It is and always has been about her.


one thing, right now, and these past 13 years, regardless of how my DIL feels about me, what matters is how they feel about each other
so far, it's been good for them, it works for them and if my son is happy, fine.

My problem in this whole thing is, that for the small amount of time we are together, why can't we all just get along.

Have I been hurt, heck yeah and I was very angry at times, venting on these forums.

My son and I were very close at one time...he actually called me on his honeymoon, and I said...ohhhhh boy, this is not good...right now, you need to be attentive to your wife hun....you need to have a great time together and call me when you return home. I bet that really hurt her and made her mad...remember, I was a young wife to, once.

And let it be know, it's nature and natural for a father to gravitate towards his daughters, and a mother to gravitate towards her sons...it's an opposite sex thing and proven to be so. It's not something abnormal. I have many girlfriends whose sons call them once a week or more....but so do their DIL's. They all get along very well and it is so happy to see.

Please note, these are not simply my findings, but the findings of his extended family, as well...they fear her big time...that she might do the same thing to them, as she has done to me.

I'll tell you what I think happened...don't know if I'm right...but my DIL, has very very little confidence in herself. And let us remember, she grew up without love, a sound/stable environment, void of a mother or father.

So, she grew up adopting her personality the best she knew how. But when your adandoned over and over again, you adopt a feeling of guilt, thinking it's something you did that drove your mother away...you fear, you hurt terribly, you don't understand. So you develop what you know best, and if your not given love, and taught how to behave, your grow up with no idea of how to be. She acts out like a child, yells and screams, and doesn't even realize it. Boy does she have a temper. I bet a lot of times, she's angry and doesn't even know why.

Just a short time ago, my son's friends, both girls and guys, told me, when they all got together, they talked about me...because, it's what they all had in common. Those kids spent many hours and weekends at my home. We went places together, and I treated them all like mine. I was very strict, my rules applied...but they respected that. They even called me mom.

They were all good kids, now great adults. But they believe talking about me like they did, plus my son, bragging about me, my cooking, how close we were and how I was strict but fair, started the entire thing.

She feared he would never love her the way he loved his mother...and the sad part is...he loves her more...and she doesn't even realize it.

She hates rejection, fears it...actually...why, b/c her mother rejected her...over and over again...she also cannot admit she is wrong...or say, I'm sorry...It is very difficult for her to say thank you.

She is, though, the love of his life...and she has everything she could want...but she's still not happy. If she wants something, he gets it for her...no matter...and I won't go into it, but believe me when I say, she is well taken care of, plus, they constantly go on cruises...it's what she wants to do...he gives her, her every wish...and puts his own feelings and desires, dreams on the back burner.

I don't believe she is capable of understanding that, sometimes, people don't always want to do what she wants to do. It's always where she wants to go, when, and what time and she doesn't care if you want to go somewhere different, nor does care to ask.

Quote:
You can still ask her this question. You obviously hurt her. You may not think that you did anything to hurt her, but she does. It’s all about perception. If she perceives that you have hurt her, then it is real in her mind. It’s her reality. This makes it real. Thus, it is your reality and you a hurting, too, as a result. Reach out to her. Tell her that you are sorry that you hurt her. Be real. Be sincere. If you really mean it, she should feel it at some level. Be open. Let her talk. She obviously has so much to say, be willing to listen.


I do let her talk...believe me, I would like nothing more then to sit down and talk to her...but the point is, she doesn't want to discuss it...( and I bet you anything, a lot of things are just silly that she took as a personal attack against her character, which wasn't meant that way)

Please understand, I'm not dismissing her feelings by saying silly b/c I remember how I felt at times when I was a DIL...but things that bothered me then, are in fact silly now...and many of my friends have said the same thing, including girls her age. A lot of this stuff IS downright silly...and was taken the wrong way. I think in a lot of these situations, things got off on the wrong foot, b/c MIL was anxious to have a daughter, DIL was excited to start her own home, and had her own culture, and when MIL gave advice, it wasn't always received in the way it was given. I remember well....I thought I knew it all, and when my MIL gave me advice, I thought she was saying..."Your doing it all wrong" and she wasn't...but it was the way I perceived it. So I do understand.

Thanks for the discussion...and for taking the time to read...
Creme

Last edited by Cremebrulee; October 21st, 2009 at 07:08 AM.
  #10  
Old October 21st, 2009, 08:28 AM
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Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility

I don't usually get into these threads because I have nothing to add. However, I've made 2 observations over time:

1) Once someone is labeled, the odds of a good resolution fall dramatically. Now one no longer has to be responsible for their own behavior because the other person is evil, meanspirited, or broken beyond repair.

2) Although some insist they are not interfering, they voice very strong opinions about matters that are NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS, such as how the other person was raised, what a person does in their own home, what their personal beliefs are, how they raise their children, how they arrange finances and marital responsibilities, and so on. Chances are, if you were minding your own business, you wouldn't know enough about these things to make judgment, and then label the other person, leading right back to the first point.

It's a vicious cycle and all parties should just stop. Mind your own business, stop labeling, and own your contribution to the bad relationship.
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