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Old October 10th, 2009, 03:19 PM
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So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

We have an upcoming IL event, combined birthday dinner for DH and SIL (whose birthdays are within a few weeks of each other, so they do a combined b'day dinner, somewhere in the average of the dates). It will be in a few weeks.

I don't feel like going. MIL's been really getting on my nerves lately (partly her behavior and partly my mood). When I was still pregnant, my plan was to have "a cold" and not go, so I didn't have to endure the ILs with no alcohol and MIL getting all abuzz about that (or me trying to pretend drink). Now that I have had a miscarriage, I still don't want to go because I am sad and low energy and don't feel like being bothered with social situations even with people I like. Also I am in a rotten mood and even though it is obviously not in any way connected to MIL, I'm pretty much spoiling for a fight.

Actually that's the problem. I have hopelessly mixed motivations here. Part of me wants to go because it's just a simple dinner and it's the right thing to do, and DH would probably like it if I went. (Good reason.) Part of me wants to go out of morbid curiosity and with the feeling that I can lash out with snarkiness at MIL if she ticks me off. (Bad reason.) Part of me wants to stay home to give myself a break. I don't know if that is a good or a bad reason, but it certainly seems like it might be prudent in the current circumstances. Except I think it will annoy DH and I worry that I ought to be there to watch over the kids.

With such mixed feelings myself I don't even know what the 'right' thing is.

Refresher on my MIL: she's clingy, needy, bad sense of boundaries, always fussing and wanting to be included in everything, but she's not toxic and she's not "bad" to me (she's done some things I found very obnoxious and intrusive, but she does them obliviously, not maliciously. She doesn't do anything that would bother her if *I* did it to HER--because she's enmeshed, she wouldn't feel intruded upon if I did the same stuff back, so to speak).

Anyway, under normal circumstances I feel justified in doing what DH does: withdrawing to some extent, participating in faaaamily events to a limited extent, and sucking it up when I do. But right now when I feel so low and kind of depressed--and at the moment you can kind of tell by looking at me that not all is right--I am thinking that maybe it is good time not to present myself to her nosy scrutiny. Maybe.
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Old October 10th, 2009, 03:47 PM
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Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

(((((hugs)))))

IMO you still ought to get a "cold" and not go.

I know that temptation to be snarky well, , but being snarky just opens up a possibility that it may come out that you've had a mc and you just don't want to go there with your MIL. IMHO.

Your desire to avoid is compound this time. On top of your normal desire to avoid MIL, you're the type of person who, when injured, needs to retreat and lick your wounds in solace. TBH, I think that's the overriding need at this point. Under normal circumstances you would go and enjoy some wine; under this circumstance you need to take care of yourself.

No one wants to disappoint your DH and your SIL, but this is one of those times that your DH has to put your needs first. I believe he would be willing to do that. Your kids need you there to run interference with FIL, but I think your DH would be ready, willing, and able to do that. (Plus the Golden GC will be there to distract FIL)


(((((hugs)))))
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Old October 10th, 2009, 04:48 PM
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Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

Yeah, and actually, with SIL and the whole family there, not much interference will be needed anyway. In a crowd when lots of bustling is going on (and when the big cousins are playing with their little cousins, there's lots of bustle) he just sits on the sofa looking sour because it's too chaotic for him to carry on a conversation--and no one cares or pays attention. And the kids will be pretty entranced with their cousins. I'm really needed much less than if it was just the ILs.

They may be the Golden GCs but they are actually perfectly nice kids. They are not spoiled or anything by being "golden." It's not their fault at all.
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Old October 10th, 2009, 05:34 PM
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Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

Quote:
Originally Posted by HisHeathenHoney View Post
They may be the Golden GCs but they are actually perfectly nice kids. They are not spoiled or anything by being "golden." It's not their fault at all.
I knew that. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. Sorry.
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Old October 10th, 2009, 05:40 PM
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Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

No, I didn't think you were implying it. I just thought people who didn't remember my IL situation as well might be confused without the background of our particular "golden GCs." Golden Cs and GCs are often insufferable, but not in this case. Mostly, I was just focused on the point you clarified for me (and I clarified for myself as I was writing that response)--my need to "protect" my children on this occasion is really pretty minimal. When SIL's family is involved, the boys generally have a lot of fun, and nobody notices FIL's behavior or even MIL's for that matter.

I wouldn't really be going to protect my kids so much as going to find things to nitpick. Probably not my healthiest choice at the moment.
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Old October 11th, 2009, 01:41 PM
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Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

I'm sorry for your loss (((hugs))) {I'm tearing up}

Stay home, and take care of you -

whether its a bubblebath & a winecooler (or 2); a tub of your favorite icecream, cozy jammies & a favorite book -
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Old October 11th, 2009, 03:47 PM
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Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

I am so sorry about your loss.

Right now, you are very fragile and tender, probably experiencing an array of emotions, and this dinner may only amplify the things that are going on in your life. As much as you would like to be there for your husband, I do not think that it would be wise to attend this upcoming family function even if it is just a simple dinner, because you are not ready (even though you may think that you are). Most families have conversations over dinner and you do not want to risk the chance of hearing your MIL or anyone else there making a sly comment to upset you or offend you. And God forbid that they say something about your miscarriage. That is a topic too sensitive to talk about. How would you react if they did try to talk about? Not only will you feel uncomfortable, but you will be hurt, angry, sad and end up having the worst dinner in your life.

So, skip this gathering. Instead, order carry-out, rent some movies, and curl up on the sofa. Hubby should stay with you since this is a much more fragile time in both your lives BUT if he has to go then so be it. Your health comes first.

God Bless.

Last edited by LadyLove; October 11th, 2009 at 03:50 PM.
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Old October 11th, 2009, 03:56 PM
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Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

So sorry for your loss HHH. In simple form, I'll echo the advice of KK, Snafu & LL...take care of yourself.
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Old October 11th, 2009, 06:24 PM
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Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

I am so sorry for your loss. I also agree with the advice to stay home.
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Old October 11th, 2009, 07:28 PM
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Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

I think, right now, you are allowed to be not so fair and clear minded. I think, right now, you are allowed to go with instinct, and basic wants.

When the day comes, decide what you want to do. Still don't want to go?

Don't.

You are a wonderful partner to your DH Triple H, not attending the birthday dinner won't change that. You are unhappy. You come first.
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