Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > In-laws

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old October 10th, 2009, 03:19 PM
HisHeathenHoney's Avatar
HisHeathenHoney HisHeathenHoney is offline
She Who Must Be Obeyed
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 3,182
HisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud of
So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

We have an upcoming IL event, combined birthday dinner for DH and SIL (whose birthdays are within a few weeks of each other, so they do a combined b'day dinner, somewhere in the average of the dates). It will be in a few weeks.

I don't feel like going. MIL's been really getting on my nerves lately (partly her behavior and partly my mood). When I was still pregnant, my plan was to have "a cold" and not go, so I didn't have to endure the ILs with no alcohol and MIL getting all abuzz about that (or me trying to pretend drink). Now that I have had a miscarriage, I still don't want to go because I am sad and low energy and don't feel like being bothered with social situations even with people I like. Also I am in a rotten mood and even though it is obviously not in any way connected to MIL, I'm pretty much spoiling for a fight.

Actually that's the problem. I have hopelessly mixed motivations here. Part of me wants to go because it's just a simple dinner and it's the right thing to do, and DH would probably like it if I went. (Good reason.) Part of me wants to go out of morbid curiosity and with the feeling that I can lash out with snarkiness at MIL if she ticks me off. (Bad reason.) Part of me wants to stay home to give myself a break. I don't know if that is a good or a bad reason, but it certainly seems like it might be prudent in the current circumstances. Except I think it will annoy DH and I worry that I ought to be there to watch over the kids.

With such mixed feelings myself I don't even know what the 'right' thing is.

Refresher on my MIL: she's clingy, needy, bad sense of boundaries, always fussing and wanting to be included in everything, but she's not toxic and she's not "bad" to me (she's done some things I found very obnoxious and intrusive, but she does them obliviously, not maliciously. She doesn't do anything that would bother her if *I* did it to HER--because she's enmeshed, she wouldn't feel intruded upon if I did the same stuff back, so to speak).

Anyway, under normal circumstances I feel justified in doing what DH does: withdrawing to some extent, participating in faaaamily events to a limited extent, and sucking it up when I do. But right now when I feel so low and kind of depressed--and at the moment you can kind of tell by looking at me that not all is right--I am thinking that maybe it is good time not to present myself to her nosy scrutiny. Maybe.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old October 10th, 2009, 03:47 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,243
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

(((((hugs)))))

IMO you still ought to get a "cold" and not go.

I know that temptation to be snarky well, , but being snarky just opens up a possibility that it may come out that you've had a mc and you just don't want to go there with your MIL. IMHO.

Your desire to avoid is compound this time. On top of your normal desire to avoid MIL, you're the type of person who, when injured, needs to retreat and lick your wounds in solace. TBH, I think that's the overriding need at this point. Under normal circumstances you would go and enjoy some wine; under this circumstance you need to take care of yourself.

No one wants to disappoint your DH and your SIL, but this is one of those times that your DH has to put your needs first. I believe he would be willing to do that. Your kids need you there to run interference with FIL, but I think your DH would be ready, willing, and able to do that. (Plus the Golden GC will be there to distract FIL)


(((((hugs)))))
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old October 10th, 2009, 04:48 PM
HisHeathenHoney's Avatar
HisHeathenHoney HisHeathenHoney is offline
She Who Must Be Obeyed
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 3,182
HisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud of
Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

Yeah, and actually, with SIL and the whole family there, not much interference will be needed anyway. In a crowd when lots of bustling is going on (and when the big cousins are playing with their little cousins, there's lots of bustle) he just sits on the sofa looking sour because it's too chaotic for him to carry on a conversation--and no one cares or pays attention. And the kids will be pretty entranced with their cousins. I'm really needed much less than if it was just the ILs.

They may be the Golden GCs but they are actually perfectly nice kids. They are not spoiled or anything by being "golden." It's not their fault at all.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old October 10th, 2009, 05:34 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 16,243
KayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond reputeKayKay has a reputation beyond repute
Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

Quote:
Originally Posted by HisHeathenHoney View Post
They may be the Golden GCs but they are actually perfectly nice kids. They are not spoiled or anything by being "golden." It's not their fault at all.
I knew that. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. Sorry.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old October 10th, 2009, 05:40 PM
HisHeathenHoney's Avatar
HisHeathenHoney HisHeathenHoney is offline
She Who Must Be Obeyed
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 3,182
HisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud ofHisHeathenHoney has much to be proud of
Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

No, I didn't think you were implying it. I just thought people who didn't remember my IL situation as well might be confused without the background of our particular "golden GCs." Golden Cs and GCs are often insufferable, but not in this case. Mostly, I was just focused on the point you clarified for me (and I clarified for myself as I was writing that response)--my need to "protect" my children on this occasion is really pretty minimal. When SIL's family is involved, the boys generally have a lot of fun, and nobody notices FIL's behavior or even MIL's for that matter.

I wouldn't really be going to protect my kids so much as going to find things to nitpick. Probably not my healthiest choice at the moment.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old October 11th, 2009, 01:41 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 10,131
snafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond reputesnafu has a reputation beyond repute
Re: So on the theme of avoidance versus polite contact....

I'm sorry for your loss (((hugs))) {I'm tearing up}

Stay home, and take care of you -

whether its a bubblebath & a winecooler (or 2); a tub of your favorite icecream, cozy jammies & a favorite book -
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:18 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network