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Old March 16th, 2017, 07:43 AM
LuluTheBunny LuluTheBunny is offline
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I think my mother damaged me

I'll try to keep it as short as I possibly can.
My parents are divorced. When i was six i moved in with my dad and grandma, which I loved. My mom and her bf would come and visit me, and i dreaded every moment of it when i was a kid. I loved her bf, he's a lovely person. But i never liked her. I guess that even at the age of 6 i realized that something wasn't right.

She's a very bitter person, very hard to please, she's got a hot temper and a short fuse. One moment she's fine, and the next she could snap because of the smallest thing. She would start screaming at you like crazy, like the whole neighborhood could probably hear it, and she would swear at you and call you names... I am even ashamed to write the names i've been called by her during the majority of my life. Really harsh stuff that no one should be hearing from their moms, especially not at the age of 10, and even not at the age of 16.

She won custody over me and i had to move in with her when i was 9. Which is when this nightmare began. So i've basically endured this mental and emotional abuse for years and years from her. Almost on a daily basis. She would go into these fits of yelling and calling me terrible names for hourse. And i had to just sit there quietly and listen to it. God forbid if you tried to tell her to calm down and stop acting this way, this would make her even angrier.

And not that i deserved it. I was a really good kid. I was studying hard, getting good grades, stayed out of trouble. I tried to help around the house as much as i could, but nothing i did was ever good enough for her. So at some point i just decided to talk to her as less as i possibly could, since she just scared me. We never had like a healthy mother-daughter relationship, she didn't give me the feeling i could tell her anything or share secrets with her, i dreaded the time she returned home from work everyday. She never hugged me or told me she loved me. Nothing. She was a hard worker. She used to work long hours and shifts, which made her even crazier when she returned home. And she used to buy me a lot, and i mean a lot of clothes and make up, things i never asked for and didn't need, i guess as a way of trying to make up for whatever... I just needed some love and an emotional connection with her, and not material things.

Because i sort of distanced myself from her, since i was so scared of her or approaching her, because you never knew how she was gonna react when you told or asked her the smallest thing, she decided that i'm a bad daughter and i never help her with anything, and she's the only one who does things for me. Honestly, i'm not a bad person. I love helping people and i'm very compassionate, but why would i help a person who treats me like that and thinks she's entitled to everything and might snap at the smallest mistake that i make? I seriously tried to stay as far away from her as i could.
I should mention that at some point she started treating her bf like ****. He's an amazing person and he's done a lot to help her, and has endured this emotional abuse from her too. Just recently he told me that she's a good person, but just has these problems and he wants to walk away but feels bad for leaving her alone like this. He's already retired and doesn't work, and she hasn't been very independent and doesn't drive, so he drives her to and from work and runs errands.

Years went by, i went off to college and then got married, so i wans't home. So now her bf is the person who had to suffer all of this emotional abuse and name calling. Thing is, you meet her and she looks like the sweetest funniest person on the planet, people love her. But as soon they walk away, she turns into a different person. It's like she has two personalities, it's terrible. And no one else knows about it.

A month ago her bf broke his hip and now he's at the hospital, and they try to help him start walking again. That means she had to start doing everything on her own. She has her driver's license, but hasn't been on the road in years, so she takes million buses to work, does all the errands on her own etc. I'm not sure how i can help, because a) i'm afraid of her, and want very minimal contact with her, and b) she lives about 20 minutes away, and an hour with traffic during work days. I can't go there after work since i get off at like 6:30 pm and have to go to the gym, and i'm married and have my own chores and life at home, and it would take me more than an hour just to sit in traffic.
I go over on the weekend just to visit her bf and drop her off at home. Her bf has his own kids, they have jobs and families, and they come visit him when they have time i. She was a nurse, and she decided that he's not getting enough care at the hospital, she's there everyday from noon until evening caring for him, feeding him and does everything the other nurses at the hospital do. No one asked her to. Maybe it was necessary during the first days, but now he's getting better, and me and my dad's side of the family think that it's not necessary for her to be there so much. She just has this habbit of doing things nobody asked her to, exhaust herself, and then complain about how she's the only one doing this.

She complains on a daily basis on how it's killing her, and how it's too much work, and she has problems with her legs. I told her to take a break and go see a doctor, that i would take her see one. She refuses, she insists she has to be there everyday, and doens't understand why the rest of his family is not helping as much. She like to complain about her health a lot, but refuses to see a doctor.

She's really upset with the fact she's the only one who visits him so often, but again, his kids never asked her to be his caretaker, and she often forgets the fact that the rest of us have families and damnding jobs, and we don't get off at 12 pm like she does.

His daughter's husband died from cancer recently. So she took his car so she and her kids could do shifts at the hospice and be by his side. Obviously if she knew my mom drove or needed the car, she wouldn't have taken it. Her husband passed about 2 weeks ago. And as the family is greiving, just after 3 days, my mom decided that they should return the car, since they don't need it. I have no idea why, it was very bizarre, since she doesn't need it either. So she made up a lie and told them i taught her how to drive and she wants it back. I have no clue why, really. It was just mean. So she calls me hysterically telling me that i urgently need to teach her to drive. I refused because it's dangerous. She's very impatient, hasn't driven in years (and also when she did she wasn't the best), and it's gonna take more than just once or twice, like she wanted, for her to start driving well. I though it was a bad idea, and also my dad's side of the family, and honestly i don't have time for this on the weekends, as i have a husband and a life waiting for me at home. I told her to get an instructor, since i'm scared to sit in a car with her, and i don't think that after me telling her how steer the wheel once or twice, she would be able to get on the highway safely without causing an accident and killing herself. She completely flipped, told me that this is why she never wants to ask me for anything, since i never wanna do anything for her, and trying to explain it calmly to her didn't help. It was like talking to a brick wall and she was talking like a 5 year old girl. She didn't want to try and understand anything i told her. She was so upset with me over nothing. She's the kinda person who won't take no or maybe for an answer. She always wants to hear a "yes" and have everything done here and now.

The other day she got mad at me because she asked me, a month in advance, when i want to go with her to this fair taking place near my town. I don't wanna go with her, and i told her it's too soon to ask, i would need to check my schedule since i got too much stress at work right now, and that means i would have to leave super early to go pick her up, and i would have to see if my husband needs the car on some days, so i just said that i'll tell her closer to the end of March. I just wanted to see when i'll have time. HONESTLY. She flipped because i couldn't give her a date and time right there on the phone without checking my schedule. These are her exact words. She's completely oblivious to the fact i have a life as well.

I get it, i seem very distant and not like the perfect daughter, but that's just because she makes me anxious when i'm around her. She constantly belittles me and i even dread making a phone call to her. I get seriously anxious when i know i need to see her or call her. It's that bad. If i had a normal relationship with her, and she was a normal person, i would be more than happy to pitch in more and make time for her.

And when you try to explain things to her, that she doens't like to hear, she yells at you and calls you names and is all like "how dare you speak to me after everything i've ever done for you".

Well the only thing she's ever done for me was turning me into a depressed, anxious and insecure person. I've delt with depression and anxiety my whole life becuase of her and her SEVERE emotional abuse, her belittling and constant criticism of me, my looks, my body, my personality. She never once apologized for anything, taken the responsibility for anything, and she's sure she's a perfect angel who never harmed anyone, she always helps everyone and that we all should just suck it up and deal with her rage tantrums.

PLEASE, i need some help and insight from you guys on how to deal with her! She completely brings me down and ruins me. It's like i have a normal life, i'm surrounded by normal people, and then there's her - like a dark cloud over my head that threatens to ruin everything good i have in life. I'm so depressed right and i don't know how to deal with it.
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Old March 16th, 2017, 08:29 AM
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Re: I think my mother damaged me

I am so sorry. I can really sympathize with you.

First, are you seeing a professional? When you live with emotional abuse, it changes the chemistry in the brain. The right meds can really help with the rewiring. You should also be in talk therapy which will help you to change the internal dialogue and understand yourself better. Those two things together are necessary to your healing.

Second, your demanding mother is really a large, wrinkly toddler. Would you give in to a toddler who lied to cover his tracks? No. It is OKAY to say NO to your mother. In fact, it's necessary for you to say NO to her. You don't have to explain why you say "No." You don't need her approval to say "No." "NO" is a complete sentence. Like a toddler, she will love you when she has her way, and hate you when she doesn't, and take her tantrums out on you when she's frustrated. It's not your fault your mother never grew up emotionally. You can do that for her, so the best you can do is to set boundaries between you.

Understand and accept that you are not responsible for her relationship with her BF, with his children, or with anyone else. Let her and her BF deal with their relationship; it's happily not your problem. She's responsible for the choices she makes, and he's responsible for his. You are not a bad daughter because she wants to be a martyr on your back.

She can only ruin your life if you let her. It's hard. The first steps to escape that enmeshment and obtain emotional independence are very difficult, but it's worth the effort. We are here for you to talk things through, but please, if you are not getting processional help in real life for your depression, do that.
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Old March 16th, 2017, 10:50 AM
LuluTheBunny LuluTheBunny is offline
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Re: I think my mother damaged me

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
I am so sorry. I can really sympathize with you.

First, are you seeing a professional? When you live with emotional abuse, it changes the chemistry in the brain. The right meds can really help with the rewiring. You should also be in talk therapy which will help you to change the internal dialogue and understand yourself better. Those two things together are necessary to your healing.

Second, your demanding mother is really a large, wrinkly toddler. Would you give in to a toddler who lied to cover his tracks? No. It is OKAY to say NO to your mother. In fact, it's necessary for you to say NO to her. You don't have to explain why you say "No." You don't need her approval to say "No." "NO" is a complete sentence. Like a toddler, she will love you when she has her way, and hate you when she doesn't, and take her tantrums out on you when she's frustrated. It's not your fault your mother never grew up emotionally. You can do that for her, so the best you can do is to set boundaries between you.

Understand and accept that you are not responsible for her relationship with her BF, with his children, or with anyone else. Let her and her BF deal with their relationship; it's happily not your problem. She's responsible for the choices she makes, and he's responsible for his. You are not a bad daughter because she wants to be a martyr on your back.

She can only ruin your life if you let her. It's hard. The first steps to escape that enmeshment and obtain emotional independence are very difficult, but it's worth the effort. We are here for you to talk things through, but please, if you are not getting processional help in real life for your depression, do that.
Hi,

thanks for your reply.

I know, i thought about going to therapy, because i just feel like i'm going insane. I'm supposed to see her tomorrow, and i just don't know how to emotionally deal with this... It took me a long time to realize that this is not my fault, but for some reason i can't deal with the fact that she thinks i'm such a horrible daughter for no reason. I do help her financially. I try to help when i can.
And there's nothing i can do to change her mind, unless i actually move in with her and cater to her everyt need. She's gonna be thinking these horrible things of me forever, even though i don't deserve it. I don't know how to deal with her anymore...
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Old March 16th, 2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: I think my mother damaged me

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Originally Posted by LuluTheBunny View Post
And there's nothing i can do to change her mind,
This is the absolute truth of the matter. You cannot change your mother. SHE is damaged, probably by her own childhood. You can't fix her. You can't make her happy. She needs therapy, too, but likely won't seek it.

You are here because you want to be healed of this brokenness. You can be made whole again. You are so worthy of being treated with respect. You are such a good daughter, but that's what you are! You are a daughter, not her mother, not her husband, not her caretaker. She's wrong to ask that of you. You not only have right, but you have an obligation, to live an independent life with your husband.

Even now, you still want to help her. But you can't. It's time to accept that you can't help her, and focus on yourself.

I give you permission to not see your mother tomorrow. She won't be happy. That scared child that she trained to jump when she screamed is still there, but that child cannot make the decisions for your adult life. Make an appointment with your doctor tomorrow. Start the process of healing so you can get strong and then you'll be in a better place to deal with your mother.

This advice is coming from my own experience. Don't wait until you're 50 and you realize you've made decisions trying to make your critical mother happy and have those regrets.
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Old March 17th, 2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: I think my mother damaged me

Lucy KNOWS!

I feel for you - my mom was no picnic either - as well as dad and insane older siblings.

Repeat:

This is NOT my fault.

This bad stuff is due to mother being treated poorly by HER mom/dad/etc.

I can and WILL change this. I will be ok.

I will not let her harm me in any way.

(on a personal note: I have contact with only two of my five sibs. They were that bad to me. I tried with mom, but I know she had some ruff times growing up with HER mom. She passed away before her mom! Dad was pretty messed up too.)


It is NOT you!
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Old March 17th, 2017, 11:46 AM
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Re: I think my mother damaged me

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Originally Posted by JemStar View Post
This bad stuff is due to mother being treated poorly by HER mom/dad/etc.

I can and WILL change this. I will be ok.
Jumping in with another affirmation LuluTheBunny.

Look at it this way... this cycle of your mom's can only be broken by YOU. It is up to YOU to become the wife you want your husband to have (one who doesn't believe what her mother says about her, who isn't depressed and anxious), and while you didn't mention children, if you have any (now or in the future) the mother your children deserve. Focus on that and strengthen your resolve.

You can do it!
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Old April 13th, 2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: I think my mother damaged me

I am sorry you've been made to live through this, some people shouldn't be parents.

My mother was exactly the same way.....

You need to seriously seek out professional help, b/c there will be fall out from this.

Let me tell you, truly, you need to know that all this was through no fault of your own, and you have to work on all the damage she has done.

I completely severed any contact with my mother....had to....

Now, I'm talking from my experiences only, maybe you have some of these problems, maybe not, but, if someone tells you your no good long enough, you start to believe it. (that comes right out of the movie, "Pretty Woman".)

When ever a good person boy, man would want to date me, I'd sabotage it purposely b/c I didn't want to hurt anyone. And that is the honest truth.

Didn't think I deserved any better, and most of all, had very little confidence in myself.

So, I chose to marry the same kind of abuse, both mental and physical. It became a pattern, until I woke up.

You will hear people talk about their terrible abusive husbands....and they probably are and were, but what I had to find out was to dig deeper and face the reasons why I chose someone so abusive, b/c no matter what, you always see flags, and I did.

So, while they are bad people, the point is, I put trust in them to be caring for my heart and they were not. Why? You can't change people and never will, unless, the person themselves want to change. I always gravitated toward the bad boys....all my life...

So this is why I suggest not only seeking out professional help, but also, how to do your own self examination....and then correct it...it's a life long struggle, but the end results are amazing.

I also gravitated towards friends that were non caring and abusive, and that also had to change. It is a pattern, and it's hard work, but worthwhile in the long run.

Wishing you the very best.
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