Tough situation - Grandparents - kids and declining health

[NagathaChristie]

This is my first post on this forum so hopefully I am putting it in the correct spot.

My Mother-in-law remarried about 12 years ago. She is 70 and her husband is 72. About 3 years ago they adopted his two grandkids. The kids are 13 and 10.

Last week my MIL was diagnosed with dementia, we had suspected that there was a memory issue but she had refused to go to the doctor until recently.

My FIL's health is declining, he refuses to see us and stays inside of his Man Cave when we come by. MIL says "he is doing ok, he has a bad back". He has a history of heart disease, 3 stents, has had some spinal surgery in the last 6 years, has type 2 diabetes, smokes a cigar every two hours (that he is awake). The kids said that he no longer grills because he can't stand long, he takes a minute to stand up and he is now making dinner, because MIL hasn't felt like cooking. They said he sits on a chair near the stove to cook. The older child also told me that my FIL drives her to the grocery store, gives her a list and she goes inside to do the shopping.

MIL is physically able to get around easily but her memory is declining.

My husband does not have a close relationship with his Mother or her husband. The kids are not actually biologically related to us. We care for them and are trying to make frequent trips to visit them and take them out.

Any thoughts on this situation?

[LucyVanPelt]

Originally Posted by NagathaChristie

My husband does not have a close relationship with his Mother or her husband. The kids are not actually biologically related to us. We care for them and are trying to make frequent trips to visit them and take them out.

Any thoughts on this situation?

I am very sorry for the situation. I have an elder friend in advanced stages of dementia. She cannot even care for herself. I could not imagine a child being with her.

I think that you should continue to care for them as much as possible, assisting your ILs as much as they allow. Have your IL's talked about living wills and guardianship? Would you be willing to take guardianship of the children? Now would be the time to address those issues, even though it's hard and your FIL seems to want to avoid the issue. It's better to address it now while they are alive and are able to participate in the decision making.

Regardless of your answer, when the time comes that you feel the children are no longer safe or being cared for, you'll have to make a call to social services.

[NagathaChristie]

I agree with you about the kids' safety. I feel that they are safe for now but that will not be the case for much longer. My husband and I are happy to care for the kids, they are family whether or not there is a DNA link.

I worry for MILs safety too. They are not willing to discuss living wills or anything like that. I am not sure why. There is no other family. FIL has an older brother that is in worse shape.

[snafu]

If the children are possibly in danger could you contact elder care services?

[NagathaChristie]

I do not believe the children are in danger at this time. I want to keep a close eye on the situation so we are making frequent visits. I do worry about MILs safety because I know that the dementia will get worse.

Any thoughts on how to approach the living will/wishes thing?

If things escalate and I think anyone is in immediate danger I will be forced to call social services.

[snafu]

...my DM set up a living will years ago, but she's been realistic


could you approach it with her about her wishes if she ends up ... say... in the hospital due to illness ... what she would like done?

[LucyVanPelt]

You are such a special person with a loving heart. I hope that your ILs will eventually listen to you.

Snafu is right, to approach the situation from a "What would you want done if..." Acknowledge any fear they may have, have answers to their question if they have any, and allay their fears. Treat them like adults even though they may act like children. Let them feel that loving heart, that you want what they believe is the best for them, and maybe they'll open up to you.

If they prove to be too stubborn, you may have no choice but to wait for one to be incapacitated. Honestly, because I am direct, I would ask that question-- "If, God forbid, anything happens to you, what plans do you have for the children?" As a young parent, that's something we have to think about and plan for.

[KayKay]

Is the adoption of the grandchildren a legal adoption or will the bio parents be given custody of the children if your ILs have to go into a nursing home?




(P.S. I love your username. Welcome to the forum. )

[NagathaChristie]

It is a legal adoption. The fathers of the children were never found and the mother signed over her legal rights years ago and is MIA.

[NagathaChristie]

An update on this: MIL is upset that her husband is treating her like she is disabled. He does not want her to leave his side when they go out, unless its shopping. He lets her walk all over Sam's Club alone, as he can't walk it. She also complains that he is constantly playing on his cell phone or computer. She said that he seems to have less patience with her and gets mad when she forgets things, like making his breakfast. Poor thing.
MIL has stopped taking her medication for dementia (Aricept) because she thinks it is a sleeping pill and gives her crazy dreams.
MIL also thinks that tomorrow is Monday. She has an appointment tomorrow with her doctor, I called them and asked them to write down her medications and a note what each med is for and when it should be taken.