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Old July 3rd, 2015, 05:37 PM
Pumpkinpie1121 Pumpkinpie1121 is offline
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problems between me and my mom

Hello everyone
Before I say anything I just wanna say please don't be mean or rude I really just need advice.
So Im 14 and my mom and I have always been pretty close, and my parents have been divorced since I was 5. My mom has had a new boyfriend since then and they've been together for almost ten years, he's really nice to me and everything. Recently though, my grandma just moved in with us temporarily and so my mom has been spending almost every night at her boyfriends house, coming back only when she has to work (she works at home). My grandma and I were both mad at her for a while but then she tells me that one of the reasons she did that was so I would feel what its like to live without her and then agree to have her boyfriend finally move in since I wasn't so happy about the idea in the beginning. I guess Im jealous that she pays more attention to him, and whenever I try to help or offer my opinion she ignores me or if anything goes wrong she tells me its all my fault since it was my opinion. The only reason her bf finally agreed to move in and get married was that she was about to leave him. So now Im ok with him moving in, but Im still somewhat mad at my mom because I feel like she could have just talked to me and not made me feel like she was ignoring me, and even after all of that she still spends a lot of time at his house and he never sleeps over because my grandma doesn't like him. Whenever shes home she spends most of her time texting him. I guess im just jealous of her spending more time with him and ignoring me, but I also know theres so many things shes lied to me about in the past about her relationship. I understand its none of my business and she doesnt have to tell me everything, but I feel like I cant trust her anymore. Ive mostly been avoiding her and not talking to her much these days but I really don't want to keep it this way for who knows how long, I want to have a good relationship with her again and want to clear up everything that happened. I can't talk to her right now because her friend is staying at our house for the summer. Should I talk to her after that or is there anything else I should do?
I know I probably sounds selfish and immature, a lot of times Ive gotten mad at myself becuase I realized I can't just be happy for them now that my moms finally getting what she wants but I still feel sad whenever she ignores me and leaves with him. I still want to be able to talk to her like we used to before all of this came up, and I don't know if shes mad at me for anything. I know Im supposed to grow up and let her do what she wants but I still want to be able to spend time with her without it feeling like shes tossing me away, and Im still somewhat mad at her for just leaving me with my grandma the minute she moved in with us. Am I just supposed to "grow up" and not care about this stuff now that Im 14?
Thanks for reading so much and Im sorry if I sound selfish and immature and everything, I just want to know if I can fix this easily without creating a big deal for everyone and also make sure that nothing like this pops out again. I know a lot of this is my fault but Id still really appreciate it if you could help me out and tell me nicely what Im doing wrong and what I should do.
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Old July 3rd, 2015, 06:11 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: problems between me and my mom

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You don't sound selfish and immature at all. On the contrary, you sound very grownup and your mother sounds selfish and immature. She is wrong to manipulate your feelings and she is wrong to basically abandon you emotionally and physically. That is so hurtful. If you decide to have a conversation with her about this, please do it as soon as possible. Don't wait and don't worry about other people being there. You may both need their support.

Please do your best to be polite and respectful (it sounds like you already are) and accept the marriage. First, you have no power over it so you'll be wasting energy fighting it. Second, he might be a decent guy. I know from experience; my "mother's husband" loved me like a daughter even though I didn't talk to him for the first 2 years of their relationship. That doesn't mean it will be true for you, but I hope so!

Do you have an adult to help you, like a guidance counselor or a friend's parent or your grandmother?
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Old July 3rd, 2015, 07:09 PM
Catwoman Catwoman is offline
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Re: problems between me and my mom

I think your feelings are pretty normal, and I don't blame you as your Mum needs to be still doing her job first and foremost as a parent.

My suggestion is write your Mum a letter, about how you feel about everything. Do it without anger, just write the facts, and tell her everything you have told us. Letters are a good way to get everything down we want to say when we either cant talk to the person, or feel upset that we forget our words. This way she can re read it as well. Then hand it to her, and tell her to read it when she is alone.

Best of luck, don't give up, just keep trying to talk to her...a letter might be just the trick...
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Old July 3rd, 2015, 09:11 PM
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Re: problems between me and my mom

first of all ((hugs))

I agree with Lucy - talk it out with your mom.

you don't sound selfish, is there any reason for not wanting the bf to move in (other than you'd have to "share" your mom)?

Another factor (whether your mom admits it or not) may be the fact that her mother moved in. It can be very difficult for some women to treat their adult daughters as adults and not as their children. Also, if your grandmother has been used to being in charge of her own home - there is most likely some stress for both your mom and grandma (each has their own way of doing things)
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Old July 9th, 2015, 02:28 PM
Pumpkinpie1121 Pumpkinpie1121 is offline
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Re: problems between me and my mom

Thanks everyone
Im ok with her boyfriend, hes a nice guy and is nice to me too, I guess the only other reason is that it would be inconvenient if he moved in. I talked to her and it wasn't a big deal at all, she said everything was ok and that everythings still the same between us but nothings changed. By that I mean she still goes to his place a lot and theres still the moving in problem. My grandma sort of hates her boyfriend, and shes quite stubborn, we tried talking to her but she refused to listen. So now my mom and I are ok but she didn't say she had any solution to the problem, her boyfriend still doesn't want to move in because of my grandma so she still spends most of her time at his house. I know I can't control where my mom wants to go and everything but its still kind of frustrating because my mom wants him to move in and my grandma doesn't so everything is confusing.
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Old July 10th, 2015, 07:58 AM
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Re: problems between me and my mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pumpkinpie1121 View Post
I know I can't control where my mom wants to go and everything but its still kind of frustrating because my mom wants him to move in and my grandma doesn't so everything is confusing.
I am so glad you were able to talk to your mom and everything is okay between you two.

I'm very sorry that the two adults-- mom and grandma-- can't resolve their problems so that you aren't stuck in the middle and have to do without your mom. I suspect your mom and her mom are still working out the mother/daughter relationship to the detriment of your mother/daughter relationship. They probably don't even realize it.

Could you go with your mom to her boyfriend's house? Would you want to?
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Old July 10th, 2015, 05:13 PM
Pumpkinpie1121 Pumpkinpie1121 is offline
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Re: problems between me and my mom

Thank you
I could but we never really discussed it as an option since my mom is worried about my grandma living alone. Her boyfriends house is also really small so probably only she could move in with him.
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