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Old December 27th, 2014, 12:58 AM
annesch annesch is offline
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Close to breaking point because of awful mother.

It's my first time posting in a forum and I'm a bit apprehensive. I've always felt the need to handle it all by myself but I can't any longer. My mother one moment is nice, sweet and supportive and the next a vindictive, jealous, bitter, loud mouthed, obnoxious and a stifling person. I've been married 4 years and each year she comes over with my brother and father to celebrate with. She has 7 siblings who celebrate together, but because of the way she is, she's fallen out with each and every one of them and hence never gets invited. I do, but out of respect for her I choose to have a small do at my place instead.

She has always been over critical of me. I was a chubby teenager and she would belittle me everyday until I resorted to starving myself and developed bulimia. She was physically abusive until I left the house to work. I wore a pair of glasses and I remember my father having to buy a new pair for me every few months because she loved to slap, and punch my face. Despite all that, I chose to forgive her. When I started working. She demanded half my salary despite me not staying at home. If my salary cleared late because of a bank holiday the screaming and shouting would ensue. I don't know why but I was petrified even though I worked 1000 miles away. It seems silly I know, but she was my mother.

Fast forward to today, I'm succesful , have a supportive husband and am happy. She on the other hand is not. Xmas is a nightmarish affair where she takes credit for my success and bashes me for my shortcomings. My 22 year old younger brother is silent, moody and very anti-social and she puts the blame on me for that. I had to fork out a large amount of money for his college tuition. I was never paid back despite promises to do so .when he failed two terms and was asked to leave it was also somehow my fault.

My brother in her eyes is perfect and I'm not. Every girl he meets according to him is either arrogant or proud. My mother does this war cry whenever he gets rejected and really puts down and is very derogatory about these young women who seem perfectly fine to me. Yesterday I had two friends over. She never let me start or finish a sentence. She molly coddled and treated my brother as though he made of glass. She bashed me for giving a loan to an aunt. Who has since paid back the sum. She left this morning and my brother left without even saying bye. I feel like she hates me and is always going to make me feel awful whenever I'm happy

In october my husband and I went away for 3 weeks. She volunteered to babysit my dogs only to cancel 1 day before i left. Thank God for good friends who stepped up and helped me.

Is this behaviour going to repeat forever? Should I cut off from them? I can't take the guilt trips, the bad behaviour, the way she thinks she owns me! I know I shkuld be better than this. I should be able to tell her to leave me alone.
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Old December 27th, 2014, 04:57 AM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Close to breaking point because of awful mother.

Quote:
Is this behaviour going to repeat forever?
Yes, the behaviour will repeat forever, and it will actually get worse as you have children and as your mother ages. UNLESS you put a stop to it now. You will not change your mother, but you can change how you respond to her.

Quote:
Should I cut off from them?
The physical, verbal, and financial abuse absolutely suggests you cut off from them, at least for a while. No more visits, no more money, and any phone conversations or chats end immediately should insults or money come up.


Quote:
I can't take the guilt trips, the bad behaviour, the way she thinks she owns me! I know I shkuld be better than this. I should be able to tell her to leave me alone.
You are being too hard on yourself. It takes a long time to separate from a mother, especially one that has programmed you as she has. Even the thought "I should be better than this" is her abusive insult.

You can do this, but know that it will get worse before it gets better. You should expect your mother's bad behaviour to escalate the first time you tell her no, and it will continue to a full blown tantrum. Just as you would a toddler, you will need to put her in a "time out" until she can behave herself. The more she misbehaves, the longer the time out.

Please feel free to vent here.

What does your DH say about all this? And what does your DF say?
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Old December 27th, 2014, 05:58 AM
annesch annesch is offline
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Re: Close to breaking point because of awful mother.

My DH has been supportive and extremely tolerant. He knows that it' hard on me but cant understand why i wont severe ties. My father was a womaniser who was and still is fiscally irresponsible. He enables my mother because she's normally the go to when it comes to money. They live way beyond their means and have delusions of self grandeur. My mother threatens me by telling me that if my DH leaves me I'll have no one to turn to if I cut them off. "Your father did it, what makes you think your husband will be faithful?"
My Dh wants me to be happy and free. But it's a trap i don't know how to get out off. She uses mistakes I've made in the past to blackmail me. It's just a sad situation.
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Old December 27th, 2014, 06:15 AM
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Re: Close to breaking point because of awful mother.

first of all (((hugs)))

it sounds as if you've had a lifetime of brainwashing by your mom (no way am I going to refer to her as your DM)

Considering how toxic/entitled your FOO (family of origin) is here's my recommendations:

1- put your DH first (he's your priority now)

2- read books such as "Boundaries" (by cloud and townsend), "When I say no I feel guilty", "toxic parents" by susan forward

3 - get counseling (a healthy family councilor, not a "happy family" councilor {"happy family" wants you to suck it up so everything looks good, but your needs still aren't met})
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Old December 27th, 2014, 06:49 AM
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Re: Close to breaking point because of awful mother.

Quote:
Originally Posted by annesch View Post
My DH has been supportive and extremely tolerant. He knows that it' hard on me but cant understand why i wont severe ties.
I'm glad he's supportive. He doesn't understand because he hasn't had your experiences. The books snafu recommended will certainly help you with setting those boundaries and enforcing them.


Quote:
My father was a womaniser who was and still is fiscally irresponsible. He enables my mother because she's normally the go to when it comes to money. They live way beyond their means and have delusions of self grandeur. My mother threatens me by telling me that if my DH leaves me I'll have no one to turn to if I cut them off. "Your father did it, what makes you think your husband will be faithful?"
That's a terrible way to live, isn't it? Your mother is wrong. Your father is part of the problem, therefore he will have to join your mother in the cutoff. It makes it easier for you, anyway.

Quote:
My Dh wants me to be happy and free. But it's a trap i don't know how to get out off. She uses mistakes I've made in the past to blackmail me. It's just a sad situation.
It is a sad situation. There are NO mistakes you've made in the past that can possibly justify blackmail. Emotional Blackmail is another book I'd recommend.

If there's something that she'd use to hurt your relationship with your DH, then you have to talk to your DH. Tell him what she wants to use against you, why it threatens you, and ask him for his help. This takes back the power that you have given her. Then you and DH can work on your own relationship without her in the middle.

And you have to cut her off, and your DF and DB must go with her. The easiest way to do that is to just stop talking to her. Block her phone number (and all numbers they have access to) so they cannot call. Let unknown calls go to voicemail. Block their emails. Block them on FB or any other social media they may use. Let DH get the mail to screen anything from them.

Again, the bad behavior will escalate. They may send other relatives to give you a message. We call that person the "flying monkey." Expect it and ask DH to help you block their access.

You can do this!
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Old December 27th, 2014, 09:20 AM
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Re: Close to breaking point because of awful mother.

To add to what snafu and Lucy said (which I completely agree with), remember
Quote:
The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.

― Confucius
Make small, attainable goals in dealing with her. For example, make the goal of calling to mind something YOU did which she doesn't even know about when she takes credit for your success. Don't say it out loud - just discredit her in your own mind.

If you have trouble cutting her off all together, set small attainable goals. Go one extra day without talking to her. Then when that gets easy, two days.

Many years ago, I had an issue with my mother-in-law and I was always tongue-tied when it came time to set up a boundary. What I did may help you - I wrote down what I wanted to say to her on an index card and kept it by the phone. Maybe that would help you - if you wrote down something like "Mom, that isn't true and you know it. Stop saying that or I will hang up" (or whatever you think is a good thing to say to her) and kept it handy. Knowing ahead of time that you have the exact right words gives you a surprising amount of confidence.
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Old December 27th, 2014, 04:12 PM
annesch annesch is offline
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Re: Close to breaking point because of awful mother.

Thank You all. I'm glad I posted . I do agree with all your advice and will start putting these things into practice. I deserve better and I do agree that the toxic behaviour will escalate once I've cut off. But It needs to be done. My parents are in their late 60's and I'm in my late 20's. I can't let this carry on. I need to start living and stop this vicious cycle. I will go get those books. But counselling in my country is all based on keeping up appearances. Estrangement from your elderly parents is really frowned upon here. But I cant be bothered anymore. I'm so tired
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Old December 28th, 2014, 10:57 AM
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Re: Close to breaking point because of awful mother.

darling, I know how your heart is aching, but know, its ok to cut her out of your life.

My maternal mother was the exact same way way with me. She was so cruel, she would tease me when I'd cry after she'd slap me around. She was so hurtful....no one wanted to be around her and yes, she hated me, but even worse, she hated herself.

She didn't know how to love anyone....she hit, all the time, and if I was heavy, she'd complain, if I was thin, she'd complain, if I was successful, she would put me down even worse, and she said the most degrading and horrible things to neighbors and relatives about me, saying I was such a bad kid....and person.

But, boy would she use me if she needed help....and so, I cut her out of my life just 3 years ago. I am now 66 years old, but there came a time when I had to do something about it....
She acted so crazy when she was in the hospital, the nurses asked me how I could stand it....

She is a very mean and hurtful person, and I feel pity for her, not anger, as she had a horrible life growing up. However, even so, it was difficult to have her in my life any longer.

She lies all the time, and just recently told someone, that my son told her I didn't want anything to do with her any longer. She is right in a way, but my son never told her that. He wouldn't do that....

When I graduated fro high School, I rand away from home b/c she expected me to work and giver her my entire paycheck like I had been doing since I was 3 years old.

So, know your not alone....and its ok to cut people like this out of your life, even though its not their fault, they don't know how to be any other way, and you deserve better.
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Old December 28th, 2014, 03:52 PM
annesch annesch is offline
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Re: Close to breaking point because of awful mother.

Creme brule, thank you for that. It was the second day with no contact yesterday. I sent her a letter explaining why and told her I would be in touch for the new year. She called a friend of mine yesterday. My friend very wisely didn't pick up. She's just called a cousin who's close to me. Hoping they stand firm and help support me through this. I feel terrible that she's getting them involved but I understand this is expected behaviour. I've been reading literature on "daughters of of narcissistic mothers" and I'ts opened my eyes. I've set up no boundaries, never had the ability to say "no" and have not developed a backbone. I have no idea what she hopes to get out of throwing a pity party for herself at this point. It's a pattern- rage, pity party, more rage.
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Old December 28th, 2014, 07:26 PM
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Re: Close to breaking point because of awful mother.

To keep your boundaries don't give in to manipulation/temper tantrums.

As Lucy has said things will get worse before they get better (look up extinction of behavior and extinction outbursts). If you break your own "rules"/cave to manipulation your FOO will have learned that if they keep behavior up long enough, they'll get what they want.

To be perfectly honest, you may "crave" some contact as well - as that's your norm. ((hugs)) feel free to vent here and show your husband how much you appreciate him
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