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Old December 6th, 2017, 10:46 PM
Jay21 Jay21 is offline
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Can't take much more

I will try to make this quick and easy.
I'm a stepdad. Two great kids, I've been with them since 18 months and birth, 11 and 13 now. So I'm as close to a live in dad as they know. They're bio dad is in picture but lives across the state. He sees them a few times a yr at increasing amounts of time.
To be honest I cannot blame the kids for much, Mom doesn't seem to support me the way she should. IMO, for what it's worth. I am nowhere near a great dad but I do what I think is right trying to enstil disapline and responsibility. Nothing crazy ie. pick up after yourself. World seems to be too difficult for mom most of the time. She sets bad examples doesn't back me up on much. Always wants to play instead of being financially responsible. I gave up trying to get upset yrs ago, it went nowhere. She shuts down. I can't expect the kids to do anything mom won't. I can't stand the idea of the kids not being here everyday, they've become my main purpose. I am not sure how much longer I can hang in here though. Once again I am nowhere near perfect, I've been told I become condescending when I get mad. Could be true. I'm not a neat freak just tired of only needing to clean for company. I need to pay off bills so I can breathe. This is difficult to do by myself.
I was always determined not to get a divorce, seeing what it was like growing up w/o Dad. I've been alone in my relationship for along time. Every day now I am killing myself internally dealing with this.
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Old December 7th, 2017, 04:33 AM
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Re: Can't take much more

I'm very sorry, Jay21.

IMO, divorce doesn't resolve problems, it just exchanges one set of problems for another.

Have you tried to marriage and family counseling? Even if you go by yourself, you may learn new ways of dealing with conflict. As you change and grow, your family may change with you.
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Old December 7th, 2017, 07:31 AM
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Re: Can't take much more

Counseling is an option - probably the best option you and your wife have at this moment in time.

Your situation would make any man depressed. Don't lose hope and don't stop trying. No one is perfect so don't beat yourself up over it. Try to work on not being condescending if you can. Being that way can be extremely hurtful, will cause more resentment than you will ever know. It's another form of control. Choose you battles carefully with the kids and your wife. A little slack for the kids never hurts, but they live in your house and it's your rules. They have responsibilities too. They live there - they help. Of course, I've given my kids plenty of slack (kids are kids). I'm not going to lose my cool because they didn't make their bed or dump the trash. What's the point in losing your cool over an unmade bed or trash not emptied? I always told them: "You get what you give." Drove them crazy, but I've heard them say the same thing.

Your wife is another story. Counseling is the best I can suggest. Keep trying to communicate your feelings and see if there is something she would like from you. This frustration (probably for both of you) has been piling up in layers for several years. That's what happens... One doesn't feel like they can communicate to the other so the resentment and frustration just piles up layer after layer until finally one or both give up. You're the man. You get the blunt of it, but you're the one who should be the Rock. If you're the one managing the finances and you know you're sinking. You're the one what needs to cancel the cards and live within the family budget.

Here's what worked for me. My wife loves to shop. So what she makes - she keeps. Initially she was opposed to it, but then she realized it was a pretty good deal. The only downfall was if she used credit cards, she had to pay them (I don't use credit cards very often - If I do I pay the charge off ASAP). Our finances have never been better. It won't work for everyone, but it's an idea. Of course I pay myself a little too.

Keep trying to communicate with your wife. Don't get angry with her - you already said she clams up. You're probably going to have to do some changes in your behavior too. Don't think you can't change because you can.

I do hope for the best for you and your family. Keep us posted if you would.
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Old January 30th, 2018, 07:48 AM
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Re: Can't take much more

I wouldn't give up....not just yet....you've been given some very sound advice here...byt those who posted above me, and counseling would be a wise choice, b/c it if comes down to you having to leave, at least you'll know you tried everything.

It sounds like your pretty much disgusted with it all, and rightfully so...
I always said, "I never want to live someone else's idea of what a marriage should be." I couldn't ever do that, or even live with someone again, let alone marry.

It sounds to me, like now, your in it for the children and you love them and care about them, so I'd try the counseling. At this point, even if she doesn't want to go, you might receive some very good advice that will help make any necessary transition, easier for all concerned.

wishing you all the best.
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Old February 2nd, 2018, 10:03 AM
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Re: Can't take much more

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jay21 View Post
I will try to make this quick and easy.
I'm a stepdad. Two great kids, I've been with them since 18 months and birth, 11 and 13 now. So I'm as close to a live in dad as they know. They're bio dad is in picture but lives across the state. He sees them a few times a yr at increasing amounts of time.
To be honest I cannot blame the kids for much, Mom doesn't seem to support me the way she should. IMO, for what it's worth. I am nowhere near a great dad but I do what I think is right trying to enstil disapline and responsibility. Nothing crazy ie. pick up after yourself. World seems to be too difficult for mom most of the time. She sets bad examples doesn't back me up on much. Always wants to play instead of being financially responsible. I gave up trying to get upset yrs ago, it went nowhere. She shuts down. I can't expect the kids to do anything mom won't. I can't stand the idea of the kids not being here everyday, they've become my main purpose. I am not sure how much longer I can hang in here though. Once again I am nowhere near perfect, I've been told I become condescending when I get mad. Could be true. I'm not a neat freak just tired of only needing to clean for company. I need to pay off bills so I can breathe. This is difficult to do by myself.
I was always determined not to get a divorce, seeing what it was like growing up w/o Dad. I've been alone in my relationship for along time. Every day now I am killing myself internally dealing with this.
B R E A T H. Stop and think what is the TOP FIVE major things that you just CAN'T deal with? Write em down. I rewrote a list a dozen times. Couldn't decide which was the most important - but reading thru the list gave me some time to really look at what was going on in the house...with all of us. I was alone. Tried to fix. Couldn't. So I just made it look ok - and denied.

As for kids, as long as there is SOMEONE responsible near by they may just pick up on it. At this age, they have pretty much learned right from wrong.

A suggestion from my experience: (my recent ex was a step dad to my son and bio to our daughter) don't push the discipline and responsibility issue tooo much. please. Kids shut off instantly with that. Getting it from everywhere, the ONE place they should be able to not is home. Where talking is OPEN. There is no "because I said so" type of rule.

My ex had NO relationship with either his step-son other than to be free labor/help with side jobs: "go get the other screwdriver" "clean up the area" and on. Didn't care about what was going on in his young life. What he did for fun, did he have a special girlfriend? How was school? etc The guy could't care less. He put on the DAD hat the minute something rubbed him the wrong way - like MY own dad had treated me. Usually threats, yelling, etc. He was just cruel. Through and through.

No connection with his own daughter. To this day, she is now 32 years old- been out of "HIS" house now for four years and she has NO contact with him whatsoever. He doesn't even call or write HER. I had to force him to connect with the kids on a fun level of some type, which usually ended up dd in tears and son storming off somewhere shutting down.

As for your wife, mom -- can't say. But there is something brewing.

It does seem as if you want to make it better. You are willing to try. That is the MOST IMPORTANT STEP!! My ex had no time. Too busy paying bills. Gone from 630am to 830 p -- Is what he called it, even though the REAL job? construction shut off and ended at 3:30 pm.

It is going to become even more challenging with teen years! Puberty. My son became an alcoholic at 18. At 19 he went into the air force and it was a welcome respite! I couldnt get him to open up about his demons. I never stopped caring. Being mom I enabled. Big time. My bad. I just saw so much of me being repeated thru him. We haven't spoken since 2004.

The moment dd's 'dad' came home (sometimes it was at dinner time), he was pushing her away. She was SO EXCITED to see him. To share her day, anything. He would literally move her away - for whatever he had to do at that moment, usually to find someones misplaced phone number in a heap of papers on his desk. Not even a pat on the head and a "hey, dad's got to put this stuff away and I'll be right back. I want to hear all about it."

Kids are not machines. They pick up on the most subtle clues from those who love them the most: no time for you, not important to me right now, do as I say or leave...and on and on.

Maybe start a family hour night: pizza, mud fights in the back yard, long walks to get ice cream...something.

As for picking stuff up for company? Get a HUGE plastic barrell and throw all the crap in the there and leave it their rooms. Do NOT dwell on this.

And their rooms are THEIR rooms. Giving them their privacy and space at this time is really important. I feel. Coming from experience--just let them know rules: no wild animals, no illegal stuff, no runaway friends, etc.

Best of luck. It isn't easy, being a dad OR a kid today! Babysteps. Just love them. And let them know they do matter in your life. And...listen to them when they speak. They may get loud, they may say hurtful words, but don't censor. I really hated when my son would stand up from sitting while I was discussing his latest "oh no", and close the door in my face. Ok. There's a sign he no longer wants to talk about it.

All you can do is try.
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