Ditch or no?

[LostInLife]

I have this friend who I have known about 25 years. We have always had an up and down friendship. I've pretty much been her only friend for these 25 years because her attitude is not approachable. I've just accepted it about her since day 1. I moved away about 4 years ago and have made other friends in my new area. There is one couple my husband and I have become really close with, and we did introduce her and her boyfriend to them and they seemed cool. The other night I posted something tagging the friends in my area referring to some drinks we'd had a few nights before. My long term "friend" threw made attitude on my post that was obvious. I texted her and asked if my post had somehow upset her. I was genuinely confused. She never answered, til the next morning when I got 2 long texts blowing up about how she feels she's competing, we always talk about this couple (which is her jealousy showing because they brought the husband up a lot because of the tattoo work he has done), how its annoying, they made a bet how many times we would mention them one weekend when they visited for the night, and how the next day she was happy to go home. It's not her feelings that upset me, it's the bet, calling us annoying basically, and how she was happy to go home. I feel that was really unnecessary to tell someone you call a best friend, and quite damaging and I'm really not sure how to handle it. I feel the right thing to do is distance myself, but it's hard because I know eventually she's going to text me with more harshness at some point since I haven't talked to her since that text. I just don't want to. I'm still trying to sort through my feelings. There is SO much more I could throw in here but won't. But let's say there has been LOTS of forgiveness for her and her boyfriend over the years, and recently I opened my home to her to start her life over and while we were out of town she packed up and went back to her comfort zone without telling us. I don't know how much more I have in me. How would some of you handle this?

[KayKay]

Since you are the one who opened the door by asking if she was upset, I would respond to her texts, but just an acknowledgment that you "heard" them. Something along the lines of "I didn't realize you felt that way, that's upsetting" or anything you can think of that would be a non-inflammatory response.

Then I'd withdraw.

When she sends you more harsh texts, just ignore them. Don't respond.

[LostInLife]

That is exactly what I did. Almost word for word, so makes me feel good someone suggested that. I could have said some really hurtful things back but I wasn't stooping to her level because I'm not about intentionally hurting people which is probably why I am STILL friends with her after all the crap she's pulled through the years.

[KayKay]

It's always a good idea to not stoop.

Now, the question is... can you let it go? I get stuck sometimes on all of the things I wish I had said to make my point rather than just letting it go. That's where I struggle - dwelling on stuff like this way after the fact.

[LostInLife]

That is the million dollar question. I am the same way, dwell on it, write a ton of unsent emails, journal entries, you name it. I prepare things for when she does contact me. But, can I let it go? At this point I can't honestly say yes. But I also can't say that at some point I can't. What I can be sure of is this changes the friendship. I do think I'll always wonder what they are saying about us, I think it will make things awkward at times. It also changes things such as not inviting them for things when my friends here are coming over, because I'm a people pleaser and will ruin my night worrying about her feelings. She's used to coming for big holidays but that will create tension by not having her here over them. She'll then feel as though she really was replaced. See my dilemma? Her spewing her jealous words has really made things difficult for me going forward. I guess I just feel really betrayed still.

[KayKay]

Originally Posted by LostInLife

She's used to coming for big holidays but that will create tension by not having her here over them. She'll then feel as though she really was replaced. See my dilemma?

Well, I see it as more of *her* dilemma. You don't tell someone that they're annoying and you were happy to go home when you last visited and then expect an invitation back. Unless there's a sincere apology between now and the next big holiday, I wouldn't feel any obligation towards her or any tension whatsoever about her absence.

The only thing I'd suggest to you is that Maya Angelou quote - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

http://allaboutfrogs.org/stories/scorpion.html

[LucyVanPelt]

Originally Posted by KayKay

http://allaboutfrogs.org/stories/scorpion.html

I agree with everything that was said. This fable is one of my favorites! And it's true-- character traits are very difficult to change for those who really want to change, and impossible for those who don't.

[LostInLife]

Thanks for the great advice and views. You're right, it's her dilemma although I'm sure she's sitting over there angry pointing the finger at me as always. Angry that I haven't interacted with her in any way. That's who she is, a narcissist. It has always and will always be someone else's fault when something goes wrong. So there's truth in that her character will never change. I just have to learn to stop thinking about it, live my life, and deal with her if she comes at me again.

[Knot2loud]

Originally Posted by LostInLife

That is exactly what I did. Almost word for word, so makes me feel good someone suggested that. I could have said some really hurtful things back but I wasn't stooping to her level because I'm not about intentionally hurting people which is probably why I am STILL friends with her after all the crap she's pulled through the years.

I'm glad you weren't hurtful back to her. She just doesn't "get it." Unfortunately, a lot of people just don't get it. Sounds like you're going to be in the process of distancing yourself from this toxic person. I am surprised you hung in there as long as you did. You must be a pretty patient person.

[LostInLife]

Thanks! As for patient, I think it's a combo of that and an extremely soft heart that can sometimes feel like a curse. I will say this though...her fit this time around has taught me what I don't want to be...which is a person who doesn't care about hurting others. It has made me more aware of my own words towards other people.