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Old January 30th, 2008, 11:42 AM
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Feeling followed when your family moves?

Okay, who else here has an experience with relocating and having an IL move 'to be near you'? Did you all sit down and talk about it first?

I look at moving to be closer to someone as a marriage level commitment. Even in the case of aging or ill family members it is still something important to be discussed as a family first IMO. Who will be responsible for what...What everyones expectations are...etc. I'd want everyone to be on the same page.

What does everyone else think?
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Old January 30th, 2008, 12:37 PM
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Re: Feeling followed when your family moves?



Holy Guacamole, nonny! Did that happen to you?!

Come to think of it, did it happen to us?

My IL's had just retired and were planning on moving to the East Coast... over 1,000 miles from where DH grew up. We lived about 100 miles from where DH grew up. They were about to embark on a househunting trip when we announced their impending grandchild (their first) and they have never mentioned moving again. No, they never discussed this with us. Not that they'd need our permission, of course, but I think my mother-in-law had different expectations of how involved she'd be in our lives than has turned out to be reality. I'm sure she's disappointed, and I'm sorry for her, but it never occurred to her to find out her anticipated level of involvement before making that decision.

When DH finished school and we were considering job opportunities, one of the "pros" about the job he ended up taking is that it was "just the right distance from the IL's". We were most definitely on the same page about it (well, DH and I) because I was very leary of moving too close to my overly intrusive mother-in-law. Lots of discussion of expectations ahead of time, and let me tell you we're both still *RIGHT THERE* on target. We are close enough that visits are a matter of hours rather than days, and far enough that they don't happen too frequently.

So even though no one "followed" us, proximity has been a consideration for both us and the IL's.

What's your story, nonnymouse?
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Old January 30th, 2008, 02:49 PM
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Re: Feeling followed when your family moves?

I can't help but to comment on this one...

We have moved twice now - internationally - and had the ILs follow us. Last time they told us the night before we left - BTW, we're moving there too, see you in 4 weeks. If they had told us it was to be near us that would have at least opened the discussion as to what we do and don't want, but it was never discussed, it was made clear to us that we can't tell other people where they can and can't live, there will be no discussion entered into.

Nonnymouse, I'm not sure what your situation is, but yes, I would say that if you're lucky enough to have this discussed with you rather than just thrust upon you then yes, lots of discussion is required!! This is a marriage level issue. It's one of the big issues that I know DH & I will have to deal with when we get older - do we move closer to ageing parents/move them closer to us (assuming of course they are not already living near us, which is a pretty big assumption in our case!)
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Old January 30th, 2008, 08:41 PM
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Re: Feeling followed when your family moves?

OMG, they moved TWICE to be near you?

The first time, wow, but twice? I don't even know what to say to that.

We moved quite a ways away from our families and it did have something to do with how we were all interacting with each other. (or rather their impeding upon our rights as a unit; long story) but it also had to do with wanting to be here because we reallly liked it.

We let them know it was going to happen. I didn't hear anything about anyone following us.....I think that had to do with my SILs not wanting to be that far away from a mall and movie theatres.
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Old January 30th, 2008, 09:57 PM
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Re: Feeling followed when your family moves?

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....I think that had to do with my SILs not wanting to be that far away from a mall and movie theatres.
That's funny Rowan.
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Old January 30th, 2008, 10:11 PM
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Re: Feeling followed when your family moves?

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Originally Posted by Grace View Post
I can't help but to comment on this one...

We have moved twice now - internationally - and had the ILs follow us. Last time they told us the night before we left - BTW, we're moving there too, see you in 4 weeks. If they had told us it was to be near us that would have at least opened the discussion as to what we do and don't want, but it was never discussed, it was made clear to us that we can't tell other people where they can and can't live, there will be no discussion entered into.

Nonnymouse, I'm not sure what your situation is, but yes, I would say that if you're lucky enough to have this discussed with you rather than just thrust upon you then yes, lots of discussion is required!! This is a marriage level issue. It's one of the big issues that I know DH & I will have to deal with when we get older - do we move closer to ageing parents/move them closer to us (assuming of course they are not already living near us, which is a pretty big assumption in our case!)
So having it 'thrust upon you' didn't leave you feeling so resentful that there were problems? Two international moves and no escape...wow.

Yeah you can't tell people where to live but unless there was some other super obvious reason for them to be there I would've expected to talk.

Wow, Grace, two international moves? Wow.
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Old January 30th, 2008, 10:18 PM
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Re: Feeling followed when your family moves?

My MIL would never move away from golden child SIL and her children. (She shows sense in this actually, since SIL is much more enmeshed and more likely to give her what she wants in terms of constant interaction.)

She did, however, sob and weep and carry on when we moved cross country. (*MY* mom congratulated us on buying our house and said she was happy for us having a home of our own, and came to stay and help us pack.)
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Old January 31st, 2008, 04:18 AM
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Re: Feeling followed when your family moves?

Hi, yes, I don't know what to say either!!

It did end up causing a lot of resentment and a lot of trouble, because as I think is often the case, reality did not end up meeting their expectations (or mine for that matter). The first time they moved to live near us I was quite excited, I didn't know them very well and thought it would be nice to have family nearby. I didn't quite get the fact that they were moving to live near DH, I wasn't really included. Soon the complaints about not seeing us enough started (once a week isn't enough?? Both DH & I work full time), so we started seeing them more (lunch through the week and seeing them every weekend). Then the complaints that they didn't get enough time *alone* with DH started. So I stopped going along to the lunch through the week. There were more random (felt random to us anyway!) tantrums and blowouts along the way, and after a couple of years it got to the point that whenever we met friends, or had friends around for dinner, there was an almighty tantrum that we hadn't included family. It got to the point that we couldn't do anything without family getting upset - no matter what we did they wanted something more. We gave in until it got to a boundary that DH & I were not prepared to give in on, and that boundary was our expectation to still be able to have friends and activities outside of the family. Whenever we did anything at all with friends (whether be a weekend away, having friends around for dinner, going for drinks with friends on my birthday - which MIL & FIL never usually acknowledged anyway) we had feedback from the family that they were upset at being excluded, it got to the point of ridiculous.

Long story but we ended up moving again, just to have some time alone and to get out of the pressure cooker. The night before we flew out they told us that they were here moving also, FIL had accepted a job and they'd be here 4 weeks after us. It turned out the job fell through, and they are now in the same country but a different city. However, when they turned up here they were having one of their 'turns' and refusing to speak to me. As per usual, they haven't said why (in the past it's always turned out to be something either completely fabricated or twisted beyond recognition) and this time we're not chasing them for an explanation. They haven't spoken to me in 5 months now (though they've certainly had a lot to say*about*me), while it upsets me sometimes, it's also more peaceful this way. We think they knew we were moving to get away, and following was more about a control/power issue, as if to say 'think you can have things your way - we'll show you who's boss". Well, maybe it's worked out for them this time because they have a relationship with DH but not with me. They asked for this a few years ago and we ignored it as we thought it was just petulance - now we're taking them seriously and given it to them, I think it's working out best for all parties involved really.

Well, for someone who doesn't know what to say, that was a long post! My advice to anyone moving to live near family is to talk to them, take on board what the other party, who has no say in your move, wants out of it too. Chances are they want a positive relationship with you and if you're willing to consider their boundaries and what they would like out of their life too - then you'll be able to reach a happy compromise. But this is all assuming that you are dealing with people willing to talk, reason and compromise...
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Old January 31st, 2008, 05:46 AM
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Re: Feeling followed when your family moves?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KayKay View Post


Holy Guacamole, nonny! Did that happen to you?!

Come to think of it, did it happen to us?

My IL's had just retired and were planning on moving to the East Coast... over 1,000 miles from where DH grew up. We lived about 100 miles from where DH grew up. They were about to embark on a househunting trip when we announced their impending grandchild (their first) and they have never mentioned moving again. No, they never discussed this with us. Not that they'd need our permission, of course, but I think my mother-in-law had different expectations of how involved she'd be in our lives than has turned out to be reality. I'm sure she's disappointed, and I'm sorry for her, but it never occurred to her to find out her anticipated level of involvement before making that decision.

When DH finished school and we were considering job opportunities, one of the "pros" about the job he ended up taking is that it was "just the right distance from the IL's". We were most definitely on the same page about it (well, DH and I) because I was very leary of moving too close to my overly intrusive mother-in-law. Lots of discussion of expectations ahead of time, and let me tell you we're both still *RIGHT THERE* on target. We are close enough that visits are a matter of hours rather than days, and far enough that they don't happen too frequently.

So even though no one "followed" us, proximity has been a consideration for both us and the IL's.

What's your story, nonnymouse?
I think I would consider canceling a planned move to be equal to moving to be close.

In my case those 'different expectations of how involved she'd be in our lives' after DD1 have been a huge source of resentment for MIL. And I really didn't know how to deal with that. Still don't. I do have a story and I'd like some feedback. I'll post it later, but its a long one and I'm having a hard time knowing what to tell.
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Old January 31st, 2008, 07:42 AM
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Re: Feeling followed when your family moves?

Grace,

They sound overwhelmingly controlling. I'm not at all sure how you took it for that long. Kudos to you for all your patience! I hope your DH recognizes the good woman that he has.
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