"child" custody & "adult" child

[snafu]

DS has turned 18 ... the custody agreement runs out when he graduates from school.

I have been telling him he gets to chose who he spends the holidays with - the rotation schedule doesn't matter. He's talked about going to his dad's to see the entire "clan" for Thanksgiving since they're supposed to be at his dad's this year.



Once he's done with school it will be on him to make plans, to arrange transportation, etc.

[LucyVanPelt]

I think that's the right way to handle it. It's hard to see them grow up, and it's a little painful when they choose to spend holidays with someone else. We have to remember that it's not a "0-sum game." (((hugs)))

[snafu]

I'm going to take all the hugs ya'll have to give


DS has told me he doesn't enjoy the holidays here at home ... he'd rather stay at home in pjs all day and relax/have fun - he does not enjoy spending the day with DH's entire extended family .... who are basically strangers to him .... he said its lonely ....


So there's a good chance, as I'm letting him make his own choices, that I'll rarely see him for holidays

[KayKay]

((((hugs))))

snafu, learn from my MIL please. My DH is like your son - he likes spending the day in his sweatpants watching football. One year - before DH and I had kids - MIL begged us to go to her house for Thanksgiving. DH resisted, telling her truthfully that he didn't want to be around "strangers" (MIL always invited people with nowhere else to go, and while it's kind of her, DH and I didn't know those people) and he just wanted to lay on a couch and watch football. MIL begged and begged and swore up one side and down the other that it would just be us and SIL. DH finally relented but said, "Mom, I'm not kidding. Fair warning. If you invite ANYONE else, I'm never having Thanksgiving at your house again."

We showed up, and there were three people there we didn't know. That was 23 years ago and we haven't been back.

Does DH's family have Thanksgiving at your house every year? Is it not possible to alternate places and have them go elsewhere so you and DS can have the Thanksgiving you want sometimes?

[HopeandStrength]

This is never an easy situation for a parent. A child who is mostly with one parent often wants to go to the other parent for a holiday because it seems more exciting and interesting. While society says an 18 year old is an adult, there is still a lot of child. They will make decisions that are self-centered without considering a parent's feelings. As hard as it may be, do not take his decisions personally. It is not anything you have done or not done. These are the roller coaster years and it can all be unpredictable. If he is open to compromise, you can suggest a middle of the road solution when a situation warrants it. If you do wind up spending some holidays apart, make sure that you make a plan that is special and that you are with people who love and treasure you. When your son is back with you, you can still celebrate the holiday with him, it can just be a different day. You show love and you show goodness as a parent. It will come back to you one day, it is just not usually on the timetable we wish. Hang strong and be good to yourself.

[snafu]

Just had this talk w/DS again ....

ex and I are scheduled to talk about the new/post-grad agreement soon... (ex sent a text that seemed as if he's trying to set up a summer schedule ...pfft)

[Annsdil]

Is this a financial agreement snafu or time spent with your son?

[snafu]

Anns, sorry I never got back to this....finances only (insurance, college)

DS needs independance ....his social life shouldn't be dictated by parents ... Rules yes, control no

[Annsdil]

You're absolutely right Snafu. I'm glad ex agreed with the insurance. 😊

[Cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by snafu

Anns, sorry I never got back to this....finances only (insurance, college)

DS needs independance ....his social life shouldn't be dictated by parents ... Rules yes, control no

I totally agree with this....

It's very sad and hard at times to let go, but your doing the absolute loving thing for him...which is selfless....

It's time dear one.

there will be other interests and issues, that will bring you closer, and sometimes not, part of being a parent to a grown up adult. But letting go, is tough for moms, I won't deny.

I kept repeating over and over again to myself, "My job is done, it's time for him to live his life and make his own choices"