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Old August 20th, 2017, 02:24 PM
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Talking Question about leaving parties – spouses differing opinions.

I recently read an article about just leaving a party when you’re ready to go. It described not making the rounds and saying goodbye, but simply departing. They jokingly called it the “French Exit,” The Irish Goodbye,” and “ghosting” and apparently it’s a thing. Now, I do realize I have observed people doing that, and never really thought anything about it. Reading the article, though, I found the idea liberating. You see, I am a rather extroverted introvert and it seemed like a blessed comfort to do things as the article described. My spouse is thoroughly an extrovert. He has no internal clock about time, and parties and social gatherings have been difficult for me to attend with him since the beginning. He’d be staying for hours, happy to be one of the last guests, and I’d be trying to signal I was tired and ready to leave. Further into our relationship, when I finally was able to clearly verbalize I was ready to go; it would still be at least hour of making the rounds. This weekend we had a birthday party to go to. On the way there I told him about the article I read and the “Irish Exit.” I explained, without any rancor, but matter-of-factly, that we were going to do things differently this time, and when I was ready to go, I wasn’t making any rounds but I was just going to leave. We went to the party and I made an effort to socialize and be a graceful conversationalist with almost everyone there, especially the birthday honoree. Spouse and I mingled together and separately, at various times. After we were there over 2 hours, spouse happened by me, and the little group I was conversing with at that time, seated at a picnic table, and asked me what I was doing. I said I’m going to take a moment to stretch my legs, since we were in close proximity to those other guests. I walked a few steps and spouse was next to me and I said within his earshot only, I’m getting ready to leave now. I waved to our teenage who was a few yards away on the basketball court, and spouse said, I’ll get him.
I then took about 10 minutes of very small chatting with various folks as I put empty plates in trash cans. And then I just kind of wandered away from the group and went to my car. My teenager came running up to me and said, Dad wants to know where you’re going? I said, I told Dad I’m leaving. I went to the car and waited. I figured I’d be that about half an hour, but my spouse was there within 5 minutes. But he was mad and calling me rude for doing what I did. He said I should have at least have gone to the birthday honoree and said goodbye, which he did. I said, I told you in advance that I was doing my exit this way. He said he thought I would have at least said goodbye to the Birthday person, and that my rude actions were going to cause trouble and he’d have to do some damage control later on. I said, well, this is my first time trying this, and maybe I should have thought more about the person, would or could this have offended them, maybe in the future I’ll re-think it and consider the entire circumstance more. We spoke about it the entire ride home. Even my teen was a little surprised that my spouse was so angry when I had told him exactly what I was doing from the beginning and then did it. By the time we got home, spouse was very mad. I said, I understand you’re upset, but I’m not sure that if what I did is upsetting you because it’s genuinely rude or if because it’s genuinely just a very different way of doing things for you. You know I would never want to knowingly or purposely offend anyone. Saying goodbyes at parties are awkward; you’re usually interrupting people’s conversation flow and mingling to step in and say goodbye. When we have been party hosts we have never once been offend by guests who leave without saying bye.

I sent a text to the birthday-person the next morning, after the party, and thanked them for inviting us and said we had fun, and they texted something friendly back. It seems like things are OK.

What do you think?

Last edited by PeeWeeMomOf3; August 20th, 2017 at 03:15 PM.
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Old August 20th, 2017, 06:47 PM
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Re: Question about leaving parties – spouses differing opinions.

I have inadvertently ghosted when my children were small. Potty training failures and all that. It's a blessing when an introvert doesn't have to make the rounds.

But, without the excuse of a dirty diaper, people find it rude to just leave and I cannot do that; as an adult without young children, I am expected to make the rounds and make my good-byes.

Now, though I only worry about saying goodbye to the hostess and the honorees and anyone I might see on my way to the door. I don't necessarily care if the other folks think I'm rude.
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Old August 20th, 2017, 06:55 PM
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Re: Question about leaving parties – spouses differing opinions.

Um, , I think it's polite to say goodbye to the party host and the honoree. I don't think you need to say long goodbyes, but a quick "we're leaving now, thank you SO much for inviting me and happy birthday!" is much more polite than ghosting.

I have ghosted before at parties where there wasn't a particular host or honoree (charity events, where we paid for tickets) but I said let the people who might be looking for me later (i.e. people we were seated at a table with) know that we were leaving.
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Old August 23rd, 2017, 01:16 AM
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Re: Question about leaving parties – spouses differing opinions.

Yes definitely say goodbye to the host and guest of honour and thank then for the invite. I've never gone round everyone to say my goodbyes but I've certainly ensured I've at least done that and said goodbye to who I was talking to too.

I think just leaving without saying goodbye to anyone at all may leave some guests or the host wondering if they'd done some thing to offend you or if you were ok or that you were just plain rude.

Like KayKay said if it was more of a public event, unless again you knew the host and they'd personally invited you or toy were socialising with some people you knew, it would be a different matter to just up and leave.
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Old November 1st, 2017, 08:25 AM
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Re: Question about leaving parties – spouses differing opinions.

I believe everyone of us, has our very own personal constitution about this.
There is not a "one size fits all" answer.

Me, I'm usually the first one to leave parties early....for several reasons, like driving in the dark, etc....

So I always go to the hostess or host and thank her and tell her I'm leaving and it was so kind of them to invite me, and I had such a good time.

hate, with a passion making a big what to do about it, plus, when someone leaves, it seems to, (and it shouldn't) put a silent nudge into other guests and they think if someone left, then it must be time to start to leave, which is rude...so I exit very quietly, without going around and saying good bye to everyone...

No one has of yet, confronted me about it being rude...? But I'm certain some would deem me so, but, I always get invited back, so?

I believe you should sit down and discuss this with hubby....and explain to him, that this is the way you are and how you were raised to believe....and you honestly do not think it's rude....

explain to him how we all have very different perspectives on subjects as this, and you hope he would understand and not get so upset with you "thinking your rude". But more so, understand...and explain to him, that if someone else at the party thought that was a rude move, than you should know so you can explain to them...next time.

but honestly, being the first one to leave, does open the door to others thinking it must be time to leave, and it cuts the party short, so that is another reason why I kinda sneak out.

and oh yeah, I always try to send a personal thank you note in the snail mail.
I believe it makes it so much more personal and appreciative.

Last edited by Cremebrulee; November 1st, 2017 at 08:30 AM.
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