Divorce has divided us, now what?

[housekat]

Hi all,

I am new to the site and would like to share what is most troublesome to me and seek out others thoughts.

a bit of history... I have three kids, all grown and on their own. My two boys are from a different relationship then my 21 year old daughter. I was married to her dad for 20 years. When she went off to college It was clear that her dad and I were roommates and not husband and wife any longer. I stayed a year longer in the marriage trying to reunite the spark that united us in the beginning but he had check out for good. When I broke the news to my daughter that I and her dad were splitting up she took it surprisingly well. She told me she thought about it and realized I had been raising a family since I was 17 and that if I wasn't happy I should try to be how ever that works out.

She stopped talking to me just before Christmas last year. In text messages she said I had been unfair to her dad (clearly she had been told things that were not true from my no longer better half). She also stopped talking to her brothers, and her dad. most all of the family. She has a boyfriend and I like him, which is a plus.

Last weekend I spoke to my oldest son and he said that related to some social networking posts with photos that he thinks his sister and her boyfriend got married. Now I know this was the latest plan, but I never thought that she would shut out her entire family from it. Her dad said he had no idea if it were true or not.

I have relocated and I am not close in proximity to any of my kids or my ex so I was texted anyone I knew that might have more information. Still no proof positive that she is married. I have continued to text and call her even though she never respond just with messages that I love her and I hope all is well and that I am sorry for any hurt I gave her.

anyone have any thoughts to share or words of wisdom on how to cope with a adult child who is wounded and shutting you out?

Thanks for any replies..

Housekat

[LucyVanPelt]

I think you assessed the situation accurately: Your daughter has a wound and has chosen to separate from the family. It doesn't sound like the divorce is what caused it. Something beyond that happened that caused her to distance herself from everyone. This is her problem to sort out.

Let her know that you love her unconditionally and that you will accept whatever she wants. Send her a birthday card or a holiday card so she knows you haven't forgotten, but give her space otherwise. She'll call you when she's ready.

[KayKay]

Yup. Ditto to what Lucy said. I think you have a good handle on the situation.

That doesn't make it less painful, but she'll eventually come around (hopefully). The ball is in her court.

I have a friend going through a similar situation. His 16yo daughter got pregnant by a 21yo guy. The couple moved in with the guy's family and she has completely shut out her parents. He has a one year old granddaughter he has never seen. It is heartbreaking, but he has gone to counseling and accepts that "it is what it is." He worries that his daughter is being controlled, but he also has accepted that he can't rescue her until she wants to be rescued.

(((((hugs)))))

[housekat]

Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt

I think you assessed the situation accurately: Your daughter has a wound and has chosen to separate from the family. It doesn't sound like the divorce is what caused it. Something beyond that happened that caused her to distance herself from everyone. This is her problem to sort out.

Let her know that you love her unconditionally and that you will accept whatever she wants. Send her a birthday card or a holiday card so she knows you haven't forgotten, but give her space otherwise. She'll call you when she's ready.

It is a tough one to accept. she and I were so close her whole life. I guess I assumed if was the divorce that sparked it. As the mom you (at least I did) tend to blame yourself. I was asked by an in-law on my ex-husband side if I ever suspected my ex-husband of inappropriate behavior with her. (Good God NO!!!) which shocked me and when I asked why, they told me about things that were far in his past that were a bit disturbing. Now I worry I was blind to a serious problem. It would explain why I was always feeling like a "buffer" between my daughter and my ex-husband...I just thought it was the regular teenage push and pull that comes around. I pushed away from my dad during the dating years. still puzzling over that comment.

I will definitely keep up my end of the relationship, as you mentioned. Always letting her know I love her and will be here for her should she feel she needs me.

thanks for the kind words.

[LucyVanPelt]

Originally Posted by housekat

I was asked by an in-law on my ex-husband side if I ever suspected my ex-husband of inappropriate behavior with her. (Good God NO!!!) which shocked me and when I asked why, they told me about things that were far in his past that were a bit disturbing. Now I worry I was blind to a serious problem

This IL is NOT your friend. Why didn't they tell you this before? Why tell you now? This person only caused you unrest and was no help at all. I'd call this person a "pot stirrer."

Now, mom to mom... We aren't perfect. We have screwed up. These failings keep us awake at night. We have to learn to forgive ourselves, be kind to ourselves, cut ourselves a break. We are human, too. Often times our children make choices which have very little to do with us, but has everything to do with them. We have to be strong enough to let them make their own way in the world. And we have to make our own way, too.

[housekat]

Originally Posted by KayKay

Yup. Ditto to what Lucy said. I think you have a good handle on the situation.

That doesn't make it less painful, but she'll eventually come around (hopefully). The ball is in her court.

I have a friend going through a similar situation. His 16yo daughter got pregnant by a 21yo guy. The couple moved in with the guy's family and she has completely shut out her parents. He has a one year old granddaughter he has never seen. It is heartbreaking, but he has gone to counseling and accepts that "it is what it is." He worries that his daughter is being controlled, but he also has accepted that he can't rescue her until she wants to be rescued.

(((((hugs)))))

That is a heartbreaking situation. Hopefully he fines some peace. Thank you for sharing and your kind words. I really need them. And thanks for the hugs too!

[housekat]

Originally Posted by KayKay

Yup. Ditto to what Lucy said. I think you have a good handle on the situation.

That doesn't make it less painful, but she'll eventually come around (hopefully). The ball is in her court.

I have a friend going through a similar situation. His 16yo daughter got pregnant by a 21yo guy. The couple moved in with the guy's family and she has completely shut out her parents. He has a one year old granddaughter he has never seen. It is heartbreaking, but he has gone to counseling and accepts that "it is what it is." He worries that his daughter is being controlled, but he also has accepted that he can't rescue her until she wants to be rescued.

(((((hugs)))))

Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt

This IL is NOT your friend. Why didn't they tell you this before? Why tell you now? This person only caused you unrest and was no help at all. I'd call this person a "pot stirrer."

Now, mom to mom... We aren't perfect. We have screwed up. These failings keep us awake at night. We have to learn to forgive ourselves, be kind to ourselves, cut ourselves a break. We are human, too. Often times our children make choices which have very little to do with us, but has everything to do with them. We have to be strong enough to let them make their own way in the world. And we have to make our own way, too.

Thanks...it is a hard thing to think you get to have your own life now that the kids are grown and gone. I know i did a lot of things right too.

Thanks for the words of wisdom they are much appreciated.

[housekat]

Very sad. I went to the county web site where marriage licenses must be filed and I see that my daughter has filed a marriage license. It's officially true and any hope she was just pranking her friends and I might still get to see my little girl get married is gone.

I left her a voice message last night again apologizing for hurting her and sending my love and best wishes...with the hope she may forgive me someday.

I feel so helpless and a bit hopeless. I question my decision to try to live a happy life apart from my ex and a loveless marriage. I would still have my daughter in my life if I would have stayed.....(many tears being shed today)

[LucyVanPelt]

Originally Posted by housekat

Very sad. I went to the county web site where marriage licenses must be filed and I see that my daughter has filed a marriage license. It's officially true and any hope she was just pranking her friends and I might still get to see my little girl get married is gone.

I left her a voice message last night again apologizing for hurting her and sending my love and best wishes...with the hope she may forgive me someday.

I'm very sorry for your broken heart. I hope she opens hers soon. (((hugs)))

I feel so helpless and a bit hopeless. I question my decision to try to live a happy life apart from my ex and a loveless marriage. I would still have my daughter in my life if I would have stayed.....(many tears being shed today)

You made the best decision you could based on what you had to work with. However, your divorce is not the reason why your daughter isn't talking to anyone in her family or her friends. Let yourself off the hook; something else is going on.

[housekat]

I will keep trying to tell myself it's not the divorce. Any idea of what could possible be the reason. She stopped talking to everyone. It feels like she decided that her now husbands family with simply substitute for the family she has.

Thanks for the kind reminder to let go of the guilt. And hugs muchly needed...thank you.