My mom vent

[snafu]

I'm more than ready for my mom to move out.

I honestly think it would be better for both of us.

She needs more socially than DH & I can provide for her.

I'm tired of her entitlement (she wants things, but expects us to pay)

When she was in rehab, we actually talked more as I didn't already know everything going on in her life.

[KayKay]

You have done a lot for her, snafu.

[LucyVanPelt]

I agree that you've done a lot for her. It would be better for her to be with other people, too.

[Annsdil]

Snafu I went through this with my mum. She ended up living with us for 5 years. The original plan was to buy somewhere where we could have a granny annex but it didn't go to plan.

I had to tell her she had to go. Be somewhere she could be independent whilst she still could. Baby was on the way and I didn't know it then but marriage break up was soon to follow. Once my mum's hand was forced and she had to find get own place she never looked back. Our relationship used to be quite symbiotic but now we are both individuals and she's got more of a social life than I ever imagined or even saw throughout my childhood with her. This is even with a variety of health issues.

I have not helped her too much when she has been poorly. Partly because I fear her become reliant and Co-dependant. But it has been validated by a couple of Dr's that this is better for her.

I think I would have really resented her had she lived with us much longer. We definitely have a better relationship now for this break.

[snafu]

Thanks Ann's

Mom has been looking at places, and I'm ready to have all of my space back (kitchen cabinets, being able to move yuccas without mom fussing about it, etc)

I've been on edge lately and have been venting a lot (poor DH)

[snafu]

Mom will be out in less than 2 weeks.

[LucyVanPelt]

Wow! That's fast! Where is she going?

[snafu]

An assisted living place about 15 min from me


Her view is of a grassy sward with sidewalk "paths". There's a tree near her patio that has birdfeeders in it.

[snafu]

Ann's,

Did you have any guilt issues, and if so what were coping strategies that worked?

[Annsdil]

Snafu, I've always been conditioned to take on guilt. We were very co-dependant. Just before my marriage broke down I came into self awareness. One realisation was that as adults we are only responsible for our own happiness. Therefore, I couldn't continue being responsible for my mum's happiness, especially to the detriment of my own. Plus my mum wasn't really happy, never really had been from since I can ever remember. I couldn't fix her, it's not my responsibility, it was hers to take on should she wish.

I had to look at my kids and think what do I want for them, what values do I want to teach them. I want them to make and own their choices and take responsibility for their happiness. I want them to be independent and not feel obligations towards me that it stops them living their life the way it did me. To instil that into my kids, I had to lead by example.

I wanted my mum to have a life, she was never going to do so whilst co-dependent. I needed to force her hand to get out of her comfort zone for my own self preservation as much as for her. It was tough love. I think the main thing was that once the adult responsible for self came into my awareness I stopped feeling guilty and resentful. I realised she was emotionally unhealthy and brought me up the same way. I resented her for many years for my not having a life, but I had to own the fact that if I had been emotionally healthy in the first place then she couldn't have stopped me having my life how I wanted and the same applied to her.