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  #11  
Old September 7th, 2010, 03:52 PM
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Re: Need help: My relationship with my parents

is it the "new guy" or the fact that she's dating at all
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  #12  
Old September 7th, 2010, 04:23 PM
DaughterMW DaughterMW is offline
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Re: Need help: My relationship with my parents

They've never met the new guy. Here's what they know about him:

* How we met. (Through mutual friends.)
* The company he works for. (One they've previously said is a great company to work for.)
* What he does.
* Where he grew up. (About twelve hours away from here.)

That's it. Now I'm being told that:

* I should eventually try online dating. It'll be better for me. Previously, she had said that maybe I could meet someone through friends.
* Everyone who works for the company he works for just uses it as a jumping off point for their careers, or everyone just gets transferred.
* He doesn't have the right job, despite the fact that he does well for himself, is college-educated, etc. I'm supposed to marry an engineer or a scientist. (My dad and brother are in the sciences.)
* I want to continue to live where I live, and because of that, I shouldn't even consider dating someone who didn't grow up in the same city.

They don't even know his name--haven't asked.
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  #13  
Old September 7th, 2010, 04:24 PM
DaughterMW DaughterMW is offline
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Re: Need help: My relationship with my parents

By the way, I'm a list maker, if you can't tell.
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  #14  
Old September 7th, 2010, 07:32 PM
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Re: Need help: My relationship with my parents

I like lists. They help me think clearly.

Wow, I'm stumped. I just can't imagine what to make of this. Sorry, I don't mean to disrespect your parents, but your mom seems to be talking out of both sides of her mouth. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I can't figure out what she WANTS from you.

Do you think she wants reassurances that you're not planning on getting serious about another man so soon? Honestly, that's about all I can figure out. She seems to be leading you into saying "Don't worry... I wouldn't make a huge decision without consulting you. I'm just passing time with this guy."

And FWIW, IMO it's a little rude to not even ask his name. Sorry sorry sorry... I don't mean to disrespect your parents. I just can't imagine not even being interested in the NAME of the guy my DD is dating. I'm glad you're in counseling, DaughterMW. This just sounds so off kilter to me.

Tell me about other aspects of your relationship with your parents. Did they guide you into a certain career? Did they help you pick out a place to live? I'm wondering if they just haven't yet come to terms with you as a capable adult.

Also, is your mom prone to emotional rash statements? I am sometimes. I'll say something like "I am NEVER going to blah blah blah" and I don't really mean it. I wonder if she really meant that you were uninvited for Thanksgiving and the family reunion. (Maybe that's why she was asking for a timeframe for the resolution?)
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  #15  
Old September 7th, 2010, 11:11 PM
DEV DEV is offline
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Re: Need help: My relationship with my parents

Hi. Sorry I am jumping in late with a reply. Your parents sound so much like mine it is freaky!

First, I want to say how sorry I am for all you are going through. Divorce must be hard enough, then to not have the support of your parents regardless of the circumstances stinks! I have a close freind who filed for divorce after 9 months of marriage and I always commend her and now I must commend you for being so brave to stay true to youself regardless of what other people might think.

I agree with all that has been said about your parents behavior (this site and the people on it have been a Godsend for me!). What I want to comment on is that this is the first time you are going against what your parents think in your 27 years. I was the same way. I have been married for over eight years and we've always done things MY families way. Moved into a house in the same area, went to the same church, etc. All birthdays, holidays and Sundays revolved around them and their traditions. I remember turning down a beach weekend with friends as a single 24 year old because of a family birthday party (non milestone, for an adult). This is exactly why years later, now that I have a young child and started doing things for the sanity of my marriage and the best interest of my kid, it is being met with TONS of resistance by certain members of my FOO. My B and SIL seem to have the biggest problem with it and now we are not speaking at all. IMO they feel that they towed the line for all those years (their kids are all grown) and so should I. My parents are devastated that we are not speaking. My Dad has only said (through my mom of course) that he doesn't want me telling other people outside the family about it and airing our dirty laundry. My mom seems to get it and agrees it is wrong how B and SIL have acted about it, but tends to teeter back and forth over it at times.

The fact that your parents haven't bothered to ask the guy you are dating's name, etc. sounds just like my parents. If they are not directly involved or told about something in my life first hand they act as if it doesn't exsist. We told my P's in passing that we were going out of state for a medical conference for my son. We missed a family birthday party (again...for an adult, non milestone) because we were at the conference. My B and SIL were mad and became chilly towards us for missing it (it was at their house) and my P's didn't say a word. What KILLED me was that nobody asked "how was the conference?" "Did you learn about any new treatments for DS?"...Nothing They have acted similarly in other instances like when they know we are going away and we don't ask them to check on the house or keep an eye on the cat while were on vacation, they just act as if we never went away. It definitely seems like a control thing. Never again will I hide or not talk about something I did on my own or that goes against what they think because they will act all weird about it. I am proud that I can stand on my own two feet and they should be too. It's their problem that they're not, not mine.

I know this is hard for you, but I hope you keep standing your ground. Being respectful towards your parents doesn't mean doing what they want at the expense of your own happiness. IMHO, you will only resent them for it if you do.

I wish you the best with everything.

DEV

Last edited by DEV; September 7th, 2010 at 11:26 PM.
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  #16  
Old September 8th, 2010, 07:23 AM
DaughterMW DaughterMW is offline
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Re: Need help: My relationship with my parents

Thanks, KayKay and DEV.

KayKay's questions first. First, I don't think you're disrespecting my parents. Remember--disagreeing does not necessarily mean disrespecting! I wouldn't say my parents guided me into a certain career, but I've definitely let them control or influence a lot of things. One thing keeps coming back to me. When I needed my first pair of glasses in third grade, my mom took me to the store to pick out frames. Before I could say what pair I liked, my mom picked up a pair and said, "Don't you like these?" They looked just like hers, and I hated them, but I knew that if I said I didn't like them, I'd be saying that I didn't like HERS. So I got that pair of glasses. Clearly, that pattern of us needing to be the same and me not sticking up for myself started very early on in my life.

Other patterns I've noticed involve my mom picking fights with me or getting angry about little, meaningless things when I'm about to embark on my own: when I left for college, when I moved halfway across the country for a couple years after college, etc. (I now live about 25 minutes away from them in my own house.) Even when I decided to get my own dog, my mom got very weird about it, I think because she thought I'd love their dog less. (It sounds so stupid when I actually write it out, but I suspect it's true.) I also remember her getting pretty angry at me when my ex-husband and I chose to go away for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary instead of celebrating Father's Day ON Father's Day with my family.

The thing is, aside from my divorce (which they now view as an epic failure on my part, even though that's not how they seemed to view it at the time), I'm a successful, capable young adult. I always got top grades in school, was successful at music, am responsible with my money, have had the same job for three years, and so on. Now, suddenly, I'm a failure who is an emotional mess, even though I just won't admit it to myself. I don't understand.

Yes, my mom is prone to making irrational statements. For example, she said she was going to stop emailing me, but I continued to get emails and texts, sometimes multiple times a day. She has also said that when (not if) I move to the state the new guy is originally from, she's never coming to visit.

That's another thing--she's convinced I'm going to marry him. We've been seeing each other for only two months! I have no idea what's going to happen, but I think that's the point of dating--to get to know someone to make that determination. I know her mind immediately goes there in terms of my relationships. After three WEEKS of dating my ex-husband, she asked if they needed to start saving for a wedding. That just seems crazy to me.

DEV, I'm sorry you're having similar experiences. It seems like your B and SIL are the main problematic parties, but it's troubling that your parents don't stick up for you if they feel you're being treated poorly. Have you talked to your parents about it? If so, how did it go and what approach did you take?
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  #17  
Old September 8th, 2010, 11:25 AM
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Re: Need help: My relationship with my parents

Returning to what I PMd you, DaughterMW, if your parents still manipulate and emotionally blackmail you, then the best option by far is to divorce them. That's what I did to "The Grinches", my previous parents who treated me despicably.
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  #18  
Old September 11th, 2010, 05:43 AM
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Re: Need help: My relationship with my parents

I'm adding my comments in red...

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaughterMW View Post
They've never met the new guy. Here's what they know about him:

* How we met. (Through mutual friends.)
* The company he works for. (One they've previously said is a great company to work for.)
* What he does.
* Where he grew up. (About twelve hours away from here.)

That's it. Now I'm being told that:

* I should eventually try online dating. It'll be better for me. Previously, she had said that maybe I could meet someone through friends. You've done what she previously said so now she's moving the goal posts.
* Everyone who works for the company he works for just uses it as a jumping off point for their careers, or everyone just gets transferred. Great! He works for what she/they (?) previously said was a really good company so now she/they are moving the goal posts.
* He doesn't have the right job, despite the fact that he does well for himself, is college-educated, etc. I'm supposed to marry an engineer or a scientist. (My dad and brother are in the sciences.) He never will have the right job (for her/them) so now the goal posts are moving.
* I want to continue to live where I live, and because of that, I shouldn't even consider dating someone who didn't grow up in the same city. Here's the crux - they're are frightened you're going to move away and is choosing to reject you before you "abandon" them. This rejection could also be a tactic to rein you in so that you quiver at the thought of what you'll lose (your relationship with them) and therefore chose the relationship with your them over the relationship with your new partner.

They don't even know his name--haven't asked. My guess is that they're deliberately choosing not to see your relationship with your guy as something permanent. Also, someone's name gives the relationship a bit more reality so if they don't hear his name, he does not exist to them.


(((hug)))

Last edited by Love2Learn; September 11th, 2010 at 05:56 AM. Reason: To put "abandon" in inverted commas because that's not the reality and may only be the parental perception.
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  #19  
Old September 13th, 2010, 02:40 PM
DaughterMW DaughterMW is offline
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Re: Need help: My relationship with my parents

Thanks for your perspective, Love2Learn. I think you're spot on.

Now I'm trying to figure out what my next move should be. Last Monday I requested (yet again) some "quiet time" from my parents; this request has mostly been respected, but not completely. I still feel on edge. Last Monday my mom also said that she knew she was mishandling the situation but that it didn't change anything about how she/they felt. So feel like I'm at an impasse.
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  #20  
Old November 21st, 2010, 11:57 AM
OPrime OPrime is offline
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Re: Need help: My relationship with my parents

Hi DaughterMW,

Was wondering if anything's new with your situation. I first came across you in your Introductions thread, where you wrote "I'm in my late 20's and am eager to find people to talk with about relationships with parents at this age." That's why I joined this forum, because I need somewhere to process the stuff I've been experiencing with my parents (mostly my father), and get some feedback from objective outsiders (ie., people not in my family, or who know my family). I'm 35, so not late 20s anymore... but I still feel like I'm in my 20s ... does that count? I think we're struggling with some of the same issues -- trying to be independent and make our own decisions without feeling guilty, without needing their approval, etc.

Anyway, I won't derail your thread with my stuff, will start my own in time, but just wondered if you're doing okay and if you have any updates.

My take on what you've shared so far is that your parents are very used to having a strong influence on your decision-making and it really bothers them when you do something they don't expect. And even if they do expect it, even when they are forewarned -- you told them your worries about their embarrassment if you divorced, obviously before you actually did get a divorce -- and they said they were fine with it and not to worry about them, clearly they didn't anticipate the negative feelings they'd have about the situation. Now, mature, self-aware people would feel the negative feelings but not manipulate, criticize, try to dominate, induce guilt feelings, and so on, but I'm getting the impression that your parents, especially your mom, are not exactly models of maturity and self-awareness.

As to how you deal with this, well, I don't know if I have any advice. Your last post suggests you're trying to take a break from them. I hope that's been going well. It's hard with the holidays coming up though... Thanksgiving and Christmas, New Years. Well, let us know how you're doing, okay?
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