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Old December 20th, 2010, 12:18 PM
PINKGARDENER PINKGARDENER is offline
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Unhappy Which would hurt my mom less?

HI! THIS IS MY FIRST POST ON THIS FORUM.


I REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE. I'M NOT SURE HOW MUCH PAST INFO IS NEEDED TO PAINT MOST OF THE PICTURE... BUT IN THE INTEREST OF LENGTH HERE I AM GOING TO POST REGARDING MY OTHER ISSUES AT SOME OTHER TIME. THAT BEING SAID... IM TERRIBLE AT KEEPING THINGS SHORT.. SORRY .


OKAY.... MY MOM AND I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN CLOSE... SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL.

MY MOTHER AND FATHERS MARRIAGE WAS NOT ALWAYS GREAT, AND HE HAD A LOT OF JEALOUSY ISSUES REGARDING THE TIME MY MOM AND I SPENT TOGETHER THAT HE FELT SHE SHOULD HAVE SPENT WITH HIM. THERE WERE OTHER ISSUES TOO, OF COURSE.


SO FAST-FORWARD A BIT, MOM AND DAD SEPERATE, GET BACK TOGETHER, BACK AND FORTH MANY TIMES, THEN FINALLY GET DIVORCED WHEN I WAS 13. SO MOM AND I WERE ON OUR OWN TOGETHER FOR MOST OF MY LIFE, WHILE MY OLDER BROTHER CHOSE TO STAY WITH OUR DAD. MOM SPENT HER TIME WORKING AND, GUESS WHAT, WORKING, TO SUPPORT US... WHILE I STAYED HOME AND BASICALLY HOME-SCHOOLED MYSELF (ANOTHER STORY ENTIRELY ).


WE WENT THROUGH A LOT TOGETHER AFTER THAT... AND IT ONLY MADE US CLOSER. THEN, OF COURSE, I CAME OF AGE, BEGAN WORKING, AND MOVED OUT ON MY OWN.


IT WAS RIGHT AFTER I GOT FIRED FROM MY FLIGHT ATTENDANT JOB, AND HAD TEMPORARILY MOVED BACK IN WITH MY MOM. WHEN SUDDENLY, OUT OF THE BLUE, I BEGAN HAVING PROBLEMS AND WAS DIAGNOSED WITH SCHIZOPHRENIA. THAT WAS REALLY WHERE OUR TROUBLES STARTED. ILL SAVE THAT FOR MY OTHER POST.

BUT WHILE I WAS INSTITUTIONALIZED (SP?), THIS TOPICS PROBLEM CAME GALLOPING (NOT!) INTO THE PICTURE. PETE (LETS JUST CALL HIM THAT), USED TO BE ONE OF MY FATHERS BUISNESS PARTNERS (IN CONSTRUCTION), AND ORIGINALLY BEGAN COMMUNICATING WITH MY MOM TO OFFER HIS CONDLENCES WHEN MY FATHER DIED.


SO, UPON BEING RELEASED FROM THE MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY, WHO IS THERE TO PICK ME UP, BUT MOM AND PETE TOGETHER, WHO WHISK ME OFF TO LUNCH TO TELL ME THEY HAVE GOTTEN ENGAGED.

TO SAY THE LEAST, I WAS NOT IN A HEALTHY STATE OF MIND AT THE TIME, AND TO THIS NEWS I REACTED WITH GREAT JOY AND EXUBERATION. PETE INSISTS THAT I SIT BESIDE HIM IN THE BOOTH SO HE COULD HUG ME AND REASSURE ME THAT HE WAS GOING TO BE THE FATHER I NEVER REALLY HAD, AND PROTECT ME, YADA YADA. I WAS VASTLY REASSURED AND COMFORTED.


A FEW WEEKS LATER, WE MOVED OUT OF OUR HORRIBLE APARTMENT (SEPERATE TOPIC, LIKE I SAID), AND INTO THIS LOVELY 3 BEDROOM HOUSE WITH THE HUGE BACKYARD AND THE NICE NEIGHBORHOOD.

MOM HAD NEVER BEEN ABLE TO BUY A HOUSE PREVIOUSLY, BECAUSE OF HER CREDIT, BUT PETE OWNS () A SMALL FINANCING COMPANY AND WAS ABLE TO GET HER APPROVED..


MONTHS GO BY... MOM AND I ARE SHOWERED WITH PRESENTS... I GET MUCH BETTER, AND MY DOCTOR TAKES ME OFF MEDS... AND AMONG OTHER THINGS, MOM TELLS ME "THE SECRET" THAT PETE IS REALLY STILL MARRIED TO HIS 3RD WIFE. BUT... AND HOLD YOUR UNDIES HERE BECAUSE ITS JUST SOOO EXCITING, HE PLANS TO DIVORCE HER!


THIS IS HOW THE STORY GOES... PETE AND HIS WIFE ARE BOTH FULL BLOODED ITALIAN CATHOLICS, AND APPARENTLY TO GET A DIVORCE (WHICH THEY BOTH SUPPOSEDLY DESIRE), PETE HAS TO GO VISIT HIS FATHER-IN-LAW IN ITALY ON THE FATHER-IN-LAWS BIRTHDAY, WHEN BY TRADITION THE GUY HAS TO GIVE ANYHTING ASKED OF HIM, AND ASK HIS PERMISSION FOR A DIVORCE.... AND IF PETE DOESENT GET APPROVAL FOR A DIVORCE, HELL GET WHACKED.
*HINT..HINT* AS TO THE NATURE OF PETES BUISNESSES.


BACK-TRACKING A LITTLE NOW, WHEN WE FIRST MOVED INTO THIS HOUSE AND I WAS STILL NOT WELL MENTALLY, PETE WOULD COME VISIT EVERY DAY IN THE AFTERNOON AND INSIST THAT I SPEND THE HOUR OR MORE OF HIS VISIT, WITH MOM AND HIM WHILE THEY TALKED ABOUT WHATEVER THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT.


I COMPLIED, BECAUSE NO WAY DID I WANT TO DISSAPOINT MY NEW "DADDY". MOM OF COURSE, OVER TIME, BECAME VERY UPSET AND ANGRY ABOUT THIS BECAUSE SHE WANTED ALONE TIME WITH HER FIANCE.


AS I AM TODAY, WITH RATIONAL THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD, I WOULD HAVE GRANTED HER THIS WISH IN A SECOND. BUT BACK THEN (APPROX 8 MONTHS AGO) I FLATLY REFUSED HER TELLING ME TO GO TO AWAY... PART OF THAT WAS THE TIMES THAT I DID LEAVE THE ROOM, THE NEXT DAY WHEN PETE CAME OVER HE WOULD KNOCK ON MY DOOR TO CALL ME OUT AND THEN ASK WHY I LEFT YESTERDAY, THEN TELL ME NOT TO LISTEN TO HER. WHEN MOM AND I WOULD ARGUE ABOUT WETHER I SHOULD "TAKE A HIKE", HE WOULD REMAIN SILENT, OR WHEN PRESSED BY MOM, SAY "THE TWO OF YOU NEED TO SORT THIS OUT".


SO IN LOOKING BACK, I REALLY THINK HE WAS JUST GETTING A STUPID KICK OUT OF HAVING US FIGHT "OVER HIM".

FINALLY, IM GETTING TO THE REAL PROBLEM.... ABOUT A MONTH AFTER THE DOC TOOK ME OFF MEDS... PETE CAME TO MY DOOR ONE AFTERNOON, AND INSTEAD OF LETTING ME STEP OUT WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR, HE STEPPED IN.

IMMEDIATELY HE PULLS OUT A RING BOX AND SAYS I CAN HAVE THE RING WHEN I RUN AWAY WITH HIM.

I VEHEMENTLY REFUSED, AND AKSED HIM HOW HE DARED DO THAT TO MY MOM. HE WENT ON A LITTLE TANGENT ABOUT HOW HE KNEW I WANTED TO, BLAH BLAH. AND I REPLIED THAT I THOUGHT HE WANTED TO BE MY DAD. THEN HE -ACTUALLY- TRIED TO KISS ME!


I JUMPED AWAY AND STORMED OUT OF MY ROOM... WHERE I STARTED YELLING LOUD ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE HOUSE TO HEAR THAT HE NEEDED TO TELL MOM WHAT HE JUST SAID TO ME, AND THEN CALLED HIM A YELLOW-BELLY-COWARD (TOO MANY WESTERNS LOL).


MOM GOT ALL UPSET AT ME FOR YELLING AND DEMANDED THAT -I- TELL HER WHAT WAS THE MATTER. AND THATS WHEN AND WHERE I REALISED MY DILEMA...

-------- CONTIUED---------
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  #2  
Old December 20th, 2010, 12:24 PM
PINKGARDENER PINKGARDENER is offline
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Unhappy Re: Which would hurt my mom less?

------- CONTINUED --------

DO I TELL HER AND -SEVERELY- HURT HER FELLINGS (HER SELF-IMAGE WAS AT AN INCREDIBLY LOW POINT BEFORE PETE CAME INTO THE PICTURE) OR DO I KEEP SILENT AND JUST HOPE THAT -IF- HE ENDS IT WITH HER HE CAN FIND SOME REASON THAT DOESENT HURT HER TOO MUCH?.....


AT THAT TIME I DECIDED NOT TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE AND RAN OFF TO HAVE A LONG SHOWER, THEREBY PREVENTING FURTHER COMMUNICATION.


SO AFTER THIS INCIDENT I AVOIDED HIM LIKE THE PLAGUE. I HIDE OUT IN MY ROOM OR TAKE MY PUPPY FOR SOME REALLY LONG WALKS.


MOM HAS TOLD ME NUMEROUS TIMES HOW -HURT- HE IS THAT I DONT SEE HIM ANYMORE... AND OF COURSE SHE DOESENT KNOW THE REAL REASON WHY... AND NOW SHE WANTS ME TO COME OUT AND VISIT WITH HIM. I TOLD HER "NEVER", AND NOW SHE THINKS IM BEING UN-REASONABLE.


I HAD PRETTY MUCH SET IN MY MIND THAT I WAS NOT GOING TO INTERFERE AND JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS WITH THEM.... BUT THEN ANOTHER INCIDENT OCCURED.


IT WAS JUST A FEW DAYS AGO AND PETE CAME BY WITH EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

MOM INSISTED THAT I GO INTO HER ROOM SO HE COULD GIVE ME MY PRESENT IN PRIVATE LIKE HE WANTED .

SO I GO IN, ALBEIT VERY RELUCTANTLY... THERE ARE TWO PRESENTS... ONE IS A MACHETE ROFL, AND I HAVE A FEW IDEAS OF WHAT TO DO WITH THAT!

AND THEN... UGHHH... HES GOT A BOX... IT WAS A LONG ONE, INDICATING IT WASNT A RING, SO I ACCEPTED THE BOX AND OPENED IT... IT WAS A PRETTY NECKLACE, THEN HE INSISTS ON PUTTING IT ON ME HIMSELF .

I ALLOWED IT BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO HURT HIS FEELINGS... AND THEN HE STARTED UP AGAIN ON HOW HE REALLY WISHES I WOULD CHANGE MY MIND, AND I WOULD BE SO HAPPY AS HIS WIFE... I SAID NO.. AND NO I WOULDNT... AND NO I WONT EVEN CONSIDER IT.

ABOUT 5 OR 6 NO'S I DID SAY AND THEN TURNED TO LEAVE THE ROOM.. WHEN HE GRABS ME BY THE ELBOWS AND HUGS ME.. AND THEN TRIES TO KISS ME AGAIN (ERRRRRR! ). I MANAGED TO TURN MY CHEEK JUST IN TIME AND QUICKLY LEFT THE ROOM.

ITS A FEW DAYS LATER.. AND WHEN I MENTIONED TAKING THIS NECKLACE OFF, MOM GOT SOOO UPSET WITH ME AND CALLED ME UN-GRATEFUL. I WAS SOOO CLOSE TO BLURTING IT ALL OUT TO HER AND THEN I REMEMERED MY IMAGINING OF HOW SHE WOULD LOOK IF I TOLD HER.


PETE IS THE FIRST MAN SICE MY FATHER TO GIVE HER ANY KIND OF ATTENTION, LIKE I SAID, MY MOM AND I WERE CLOSE, SO I KNOW. AND THAT ADDS UP TO 12 YEARS OF LONELINESS.
SHE HAS IN THE PAST SAID THINGS LIKE "NO ONE WOULD EVER WANT ME" AND "THE ONLY REASON A GUY MY AGE WOULD EVEN TALK TO ME IS TO ASK ABOUT YOU"... IM 23 BY THE WAY... SO THATS JUST GROSS....


AND THERE ARE OTHER FACTORS TOO... IT SOUNDS REALLY SELFISH.. BUT ONE OF MY MAIN REASONS FOR MY NOT TELLING HER ABOUT THIS IS THAT I EXPECT IT WOULD BE REALLY DETRIMENTAL TO OUR
RELATIONSHIP... WHATEVERS LEFT OF IT.
WE HAVE BEEN FIGHTING SO MUCH LATELY.. ABOUT SO MANY INCONSEQUENTIAL THINGS...


I CANT BEAR THINKING OF WHAT WOULD HIT THE FAN SHOULD SHE FIND OUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS. EVEN THOUGH ITS NOT REALLY MY FAULT... SHES HAD A TENDENCY LATELY TO BLAME FIRST AND THINK LATER. THAT BEING SAID... THE PAST MONTH OR SO... AFTER SOME REAL EFFORT ON MY PART AND RECIPROCATION FROM HER, WE ARE GETTING ALONG ALOT BETTER AND EVEN TALKING A LITTLE BIT LIKE WE USED TO.


THE OTHER THING IS... AND THIS IS REALLY BOTHERING ME...
PETE HAS BEEN HAVING MY MOM DO TONS OF STUFF FOR HIM THE PAST FEW MONTHS...

FROM RUNNING ERRANDS AND DOING LAUNDRY (HE DOESENT ACTUALLY LIVE HERE, I SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED EARLIER),
TO MENDING AND HEMMING ALL HIS PANTS ( MOMS A GREAT SEMAMSTRESS) AND HIS GROWN SONS PANTS... AND HIS COUSINS PANTS...

TO SOME PROJECT SHES GOT GOING ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHE SPENT ALL DAY ON YESTERDAY...

AND WHEN HE WALKS IN THE DOR AT WHATEVER TIME HE FEELS LIKE IN THE AFTERNOON, HE EXPECTS INSTANTLY TO HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE IN FRONT OF HIM AND QUICKLY A HOT MEAL (MOMS ALSO A GREAT COOK).

I JUST FEEL LIKE HES USING HER.


THEN THE OTHER PART... IF I DID FINALLY DECIDE I SHOULD TELL HER... WOULD SHE EVEN BELIEVE ME? SHE HAS RECENTLY BEEN TAKING MY BROTHERS WORD OVER MINE (HE LIVES HERE TOO... WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND BABY ) INCLUDING OVER SOMETHING TRULY AWFUL THAT HE SAID TO ME. THIS IS UN-PRECEDENTED IN OUR MOTHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP. BUT, AFTER ALL, IM THE CRAZY ONE, RIGHT?


SO THATS MY CONUNDRUM.

OH MY GOODNESS, THIS IS LONG.... I HOPE SOMEBODY, SOMEWHERE HAS THE TIME TO READ ALL OF THIS AND MAYBE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.

THANKS!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
B
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Old December 20th, 2010, 02:09 PM
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LucyVanPelt LucyVanPelt is offline
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Re: Which would hurt my mom less?

Welcome to the forum.

Wow, that is quite a tale. This is what I think.

First and foremost is your own mental health. Discuss your relationship issues regarding your mother with your doctor and/or therapist. There's a close-knit family and then there's enmeshment. Your story sounds like it may be more enmeshment than closeness. It's extremely important that you establish healthy boundaries where your relationship with your mother is concerned. She also could use therapy. She's been using you for her emotional crutch. She also needs to learn how to live an independent life.

Then there is the problem of the wise guy. I highly doubt that his stories are true; he will probably never divorce his wife. You are not responsible for how she feels; she is responsible for what happens to you. Continue to avoid him and don't let either of them manipulate you to be alone with him. Get your financial house in order so that you are not dependent on either of them and then tell your DM what has been happening. Then leave if your DM fails to do the right thing.

Good luck.
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Old December 20th, 2010, 08:25 PM
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KayKay KayKay is offline
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Re: Which would hurt my mom less?

^ What she said.

Welcome PinkGardener. I did read your post and am unable to say which would hurt your mom less, honestly. Ideally you could tell her. Your mom is in a situation where she won't hear what you have to say. Even if she did "hear", she'll immediately go to him looking for his version, and he'll of course contradict everything you said. The best you can do is pick up the pieces when he goes. That's just IMHO.

BUT... I may be wrong. It's been known to happen.

Any chance you have access to a nanny cam?
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Old July 14th, 2011, 02:56 PM
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Re: Which would hurt my mom less?

This is hard but you need to tell her the truth about what happened and wake her up from her dream
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Old July 15th, 2011, 10:03 AM
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Re: Which would hurt my mom less?

Wow, just wow.

Talk to your mom. He's married to another woman, lies to your mother about their relationship and wants you to run off with him. I suspect he's full of crapola too. Wow... this guy needs a blow up doll. What a freak.
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