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Old May 18th, 2009, 10:16 AM
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Angry MIL is Shopping Around for a New Girlfriend

I knew that it was too good to be true. But all is calm before the MIL hits.

My MIL is an alcoholic. She attends the neighborhood bar just about every night. She comes home from work, skips dinner, and meets other relatives at the bar to sit and have a few drinks for a couple of hours.

My best friend's father also attends the same bar. He happens to be the little birdy that told me that my MIL has been trying to hook my husband up with the newest little bartender there (he is a reliable source). At first, I thought that he was joking because the entire story sounded absurd. But when he went into details I realized that this was no laughing matter.

MIL has been seen showing this bartender, whom we'll call Blondie, pictures of my children. She is making copies of my pics and giving them to this complete stranger whom I am starting to believe has a fatal attraction for my husband. She was overheard telling her "Oh, my son would be perfect for you" and "I wish that you were my daughter-in-law". Once in a while, my husband stops in at the bar on Sundays and I was told that the bartender flirts with him like crazy. My husband admits that she likes to talk to him. (And talking better be it!)

I feel very uncomfortable about this entire situation. It is an additional stress that I do not need in my life. I am furious because MIL has no right to expose my family like this. I am livid that she would go as fas as to make copies of my family pics to give to Blondie. And Blondie's interest in my husband is no laughing matter.

I confronted my husband about this. At first, he blew it off like it was nothing. He said that his mother is friendly with everyone. She likes to talk to all the bartenders. But then, when I brought up the photos, he was shocked. He didn't know that she was taking things to such an extreme. I do not give photos to friends and relatives to be passed onto strangers. Blondie could be psycho and do bad things.

Right now, my husband is not allowed to go to the bar. PERIOD. His mother has been calling him to go to the bar, coincedentally on the days that Blondie works, but my husband will not go. A few weeks ago, I went with hubby to the bar on purpose and it really upset MIL. My presence also seemd to upset Blondie. She certainly did not talk to my husband on that day. MIL tried to act like she was having a good time but she was irritated.

The only solution to this problem is for my husband to stop going to the bar and if he has to attend then I must tag along. I certainly trust him and know that he has not made any advances on Blondie. Trust is very important and at least it is still there between us...although, I may post differently if I were to find out that he has gone to the bar alone . And I have decided to stop sending MIL family pics. No more pics of her grandkids, events, anniversary celebrations, etc. I do not feel comfortable with what she is doing. I feel violated.

Confronting MIL will take me nowhere because she will deny everything. When hubby asked her about the photos she said that she was simply showing them off. Maybe she does not remember everything. Should I simply cut MIL off for good being that this is pretty extreme? I mean, my mother has never tried to find me a new man. She respects my marriage.

And as for Blondie...well, she plans on attending my BIL's August Wedding. My MIL has already invited her. How ridiculous is that?

Any advice on how to deal with this.
I am angry and hurt.
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Old May 18th, 2009, 10:53 AM
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Re: MIL is Shopping Around for a New Girlfriend

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Originally Posted by LadyLove View Post
Blondie could be psycho and do bad things.
This is actually beside the point. The important point here is that your MIL IS a psycho and DOES do bad things. Actively recruiting a GF for your husband is psycho and bad. Giving pictures of your children to strangers is psycho and bad.

You should not confront MIL. You should also not confront Blondie, or waste any time being mad at her. After all, MIL is actively trying to convince her that her son's marriage is really rocky and she does not know otherwise. True, a sane and principled woman wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole, but nonetheless Blondie is not your problem.

As long as you trust your husband, that's all that matters. He probably should tell his mother that she needs to F off, and tell Blondie that he is sorry that his mother is a total nutcase, but he loves his wife and MIL is misleading her--and despite telling her 'I wish you were my DIL', if she were, MIL would happily stab her in the back the second she didn't cave in to whatever MIL wanted.

But just ignoring both of them also would be a decent way to handle it.

I think you would be perfectly justified in cutting MIL off. In fact, I will go so far as to say, I really think you SHOULD cut her off. You don't need to tell her you're doing it, just do it. Saying 'cutoff' does not a cutoff make, only doing a cutoff (not accepting or returning phone calls, not sending pictures, not letting her into your home, etc) is the only thing that actually makes a cutoff.)

ETA: Don't think of it as getting back at her for what she is doing to you. Think about what she is trying to do to your children. She doesn't care about their safety, or she wouldn't give pictures of them to strangers. She doesn't care about their emotional health, or she wouldn't try and destroy their parents marriage and take away one or the other of their parents. She is completely willing to hurt them in any way she can to serve her own sick self-interest. They are just acceptable collateral damage to her.

Last edited by HisHeathenHoney; May 18th, 2009 at 11:07 AM.
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Old May 18th, 2009, 11:33 AM
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Re: MIL is Shopping Around for a New Girlfriend

Hi LL!!

Ditto to what HHH said. You've already done what I would do in your shoes, and there's not too much else that you can do. Maybe find some single guy who's interested in blonde bartenders...

I'm sorry you're going through this. What kind of person would do that?
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Old May 18th, 2009, 02:57 PM
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Re: MIL is Shopping Around for a New Girlfriend

That's terrible. I agree with HHH, too, although I'm not above going to Blondie and telling her she's not woman enough to take my man.
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Old May 18th, 2009, 08:23 PM
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Re: MIL is Shopping Around for a New Girlfriend

I had with a similar situation but thankfully not my MIL! (one of DH's employees frequently invited him "last minute" to parties and gosh golly gee it's too bad your wife can't get a babysitter within an hour... come anyway just for a few minutes. I really never did figure out her deal - she was old enough to be his mother... who was she trying to fix him up with? )

Finally one night I was fed up and begged a favor from a BF. She babysat, I dressed up in my sexiest outfit, and went to the party with him. I was sugar sweet to everyone and slithered on DH all night. He was in seventh heaven, and funny... that was the last invite to a party he got from that employee.

Sounds like LL already did that.
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Old May 18th, 2009, 09:02 PM
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Re: MIL is Shopping Around for a New Girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by HisHeathenHoney View Post
This is actually beside the point. The important point here is that your MIL IS a psycho and DOES do bad things. Actively recruiting a GF for your husband is psycho and bad. Giving pictures of your children to strangers is psycho and bad.

You should not confront MIL. You should also not confront Blondie, or waste any time being mad at her. After all, MIL is actively trying to convince her that her son's marriage is really rocky and she does not know otherwise. True, a sane and principled woman wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole, but nonetheless Blondie is not your problem.

As long as you trust your husband, that's all that matters. He probably should tell his mother that she needs to F off, and tell Blondie that he is sorry that his mother is a total nutcase, but he loves his wife and MIL is misleading her--and despite telling her 'I wish you were my DIL', if she were, MIL would happily stab her in the back the second she didn't cave in to whatever MIL wanted.

But just ignoring both of them also would be a decent way to handle it.

I think you would be perfectly justified in cutting MIL off. In fact, I will go so far as to say, I really think you SHOULD cut her off. You don't need to tell her you're doing it, just do it. Saying 'cutoff' does not a cutoff make, only doing a cutoff (not accepting or returning phone calls, not sending pictures, not letting her into your home, etc) is the only thing that actually makes a cutoff.)

ETA: Don't think of it as getting back at her for what she is doing to you. Think about what she is trying to do to your children. She doesn't care about their safety, or she wouldn't give pictures of them to strangers. She doesn't care about their emotional health, or she wouldn't try and destroy their parents marriage and take away one or the other of their parents. She is completely willing to hurt them in any way she can to serve her own sick self-interest. They are just acceptable collateral damage to her.
Hi. Thank you for the response. In fact, I want to thank everyone for their advice. Everyones thoughts and opinions are very strong, supportive, and extremely helpful during this sensitive time in my life. As I have mentioned before, I am very angry and hurt. It would be so much easier if this was a psychotic co-worker, friend, or distant relative but because this is about my own MIL trying to set up my husband it makes it that much harder to deal with.

I highlighted the part from HHH's post (in red) that I would like to discuss.

Okay, cutting MIL out of my life sounds good to me BUT my husband feels that not sending her any photos would be extreme especially since our children are under the age of 5. He was saying that it would be strange not to send her any pics during the next 13 years (until they become adults). I told him that since MIL's behavior is psychotic she will not be receiving anything from us. She is hardly an involved grandmother. She never visits my babies, she never calls, she never treats our family as a unit. So, why should I worry now about how she'd feel about not getting any pics? I don't like how she is exposing my family. Thats not why I send pics. If I wanted Blondie to see them I would have shown them to her myself.

Even though I hate to admit it but my hubby is right. Not sending any pics for 13 years is really obvious, huh? How would this make hubby look if he never brings his mother a pic again?
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Old May 18th, 2009, 09:12 PM
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Re: MIL is Shopping Around for a New Girlfriend

MIL had the nerve to invite this woman to my BIL's wedding (coming up in August). I am really peed off about this. I am going to start another thread soon about this upcoming wedding since there is a bit more drama surrounding that. I dont want to go off topic but Blondie has no business being there. It makes me angry that MIL put her on the guest list. It seems disrespectful toward me. Maybe I am over reacting because I am so upset.
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Old May 18th, 2009, 09:20 PM
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Re: MIL is Shopping Around for a New Girlfriend

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Originally Posted by KayKay View Post
I had with a similar situation but thankfully not my MIL! (one of DH's employees frequently invited him "last minute" to parties and gosh golly gee it's too bad your wife can't get a babysitter within an hour... come anyway just for a few minutes. I really never did figure out her deal - she was old enough to be his mother... who was she trying to fix him up with? )

Finally one night I was fed up and begged a favor from a BF. She babysat, I dressed up in my sexiest outfit, and went to the party with him. I was sugar sweet to everyone and slithered on DH all night. He was in seventh heaven, and funny... that was the last invite to a party he got from that employee.

Sounds like LL already did that.
Wow! You definitely handled that situation with class.

It is funny because when I went into the bar I wasn't sure who to look for since I had never seen Blondie before. But after a minute of standing at the counter I could tell who it was because she continuosly rolled her eyes at me and then she slammed a couple of glasses down as if she were having a bad day (I guess that I ruined it for her). I'm assuming that she instantly knew who I was because MIL had been showing her pictures of my husband and I with our children.

I am very upset with MIL but I am also mad at Blondie because she KNOWS that my husband is married yet she still flirts with him like crazy. Any woman who is willing to cross those boundaries deserves to be put in her place! It is the women who don't know that their boyfirend is married who I feel most sorry for. Blondie is aware of what she is doing. In my opinion, she is asking for trouble.
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Old May 18th, 2009, 09:45 PM
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Re: MIL is Shopping Around for a New Girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyLove View Post
He was saying that it would be strange not to send her any pics during the next 13 years (until they become adults). I told him that since MIL's behavior is psychotic she will not be receiving anything from us. She is hardly an involved grandmother. She never visits my babies, she never calls, she never treats our family as a unit. So, why should I worry now about how she'd feel about not getting any pics? I don't like how she is exposing my family. Thats not why I send pics. If I wanted Blondie to see them I would have shown them to her myself.

Even though I hate to admit it but my hubby is right. Not sending any pics for 13 years is really obvious, huh? How would this make hubby look if he never brings his mother a pic again? [/b]
Who said you had to send no pics for 13 years? She has done something--threatened your childrens' safety--that amply merits a cutoff, but an indefinite cutoff.

Here is how this works: you stop sending her stuff. She will either (a)notice or (b) not notice. If she does not notice, then your children's privacy/safety is protected, and you don't get any flak from MIL because underneath she really doesn't care. That's a win for you.

But let's say she notices and starts giving you grief. Then you can tell her calmly why she's not getting any pictures--she gave them to strangers. She then has every chance to shape up and earn your trust. What's that you say? She won't change? She will keep being a psycho? I agree. She's likely to keep being a psycho. SO, you keep up the cutoff for anything new that she does. Voila--the cutoff goes on. Not because of you--because of her.

Any decision you make today can be adjusted in the future. There aren't binding cutoff contracts you sign. Things can change. Maybe they're not likely to but they COULD. Your DH is making a false dichotomy. It's NOT "either we keep sending her pictures as if she were a normal grandma or we never send her any pictures ever again for 13 years." Those are NOT the only two alternatives. If it makes your DH feel better to delude himself that she might someday change into a decent GM, let him have his little fantasy and just say, "How about we cut her off for 6 months and see what happens. Then we will re-evaluate."

Or maybe you cut her off from pics but at some point you figure the kids are old enough to participate in their own protection (old enough to avoid strangers, for example) and so maybe it's not such a big deal, so you send her a pic or two.

It is not extreme to give her consequences with an open-ended time frame based on her egregious violation of your family trust.

Also, 'how would it make hubby look' to whom? Who besides MIL actually cares about whether you guys send her pictures? Oprah? The U.S. Supreme Court? The pope? Or just a handful of other crazy flying monkey ILs?
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Old May 18th, 2009, 10:12 PM
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Re: MIL is Shopping Around for a New Girlfriend

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Originally Posted by LadyLove View Post
Wow! You definitely handled that situation with class.
Au contraire.

LL - here's an idea... since your DH thinks it would be "weird" to not send her photos for 13 years (and I echo HHH... weird to whom?)... Send her *a* picture of the kids every so often, but send pictures where they aren't so recognizeable. Big sunglasses, a floppy hat, face paint. Swim goggles and a snorkel. Halloween costumes. A cute one of a hug, taken from behind.

I gotta say... a proud GM showing off her GC is one thing, but the whole making-copies-of-the-pictures-for-Blondie situation gives me the heebie jeebies. The Momma Bear urge to protect your children (and family) has got to be hitting you hard.

Sometimes I read about DH's who are desperate to win their Mom's approval, to the point of sacrificing their children at the Altar of Mommy. Do you think this is the case with your DH? (Not the sacrificing children part - just the desperate for approval part).

BTW... aren't there special counseling needs for adult children of alcoholics?
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