Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > In-laws

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old October 24th, 2009, 07:40 AM
Cremebrulee's Avatar
Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 958
Cremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud of
Re: Reply 2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeking Sensibility View Post
Creme,
You have stated, in one way or another, that your dil is very much into looks, makeup, and clothes and that she may be imposing her standards of beauty upon your granddaughter. So what do you do? You refer your granddaughter as a tom boy in front of your dil and then you're amazed that she was annoyed? C'mon, are you serious?

some of the most beautiful women in the world are tom boys...models, etc. Being into clothes, makeup is not a problem until it becomes obsessive and overdone...as I said...over dressing makes a target out of a little girl in school...and yes...I was amazed that she was that upset...and if I had known it was going to cause her that much hurt and anger, I would have never said it...just came out...at that moment in time...I was smiling at my GD inside and out...I speak very little around my DIL, for fear I'm going to say something wrong.

And I want to make it perfectly clear, I do not hate my DIL, never did...what I hate it what's happened...and like Lady Love, I don't know why...if my DIL would call me tomorrow, and say...something, anything like, "I don't know why this happened or how it started, but I'd like it to end"...she wouldn't even have to say I'm sorry, but, I would like to know, why she is so resentful of me, and from the very beginning of their marriage, my first visit there, why was she so miserable and nasty to me? If we could just talk it over...I would love to understand what I did to hurt her so much that she finds it necessary to not only reject me but do things that are just plain cruel.

Last edited by Cremebrulee; October 24th, 2009 at 07:46 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old October 24th, 2009, 08:43 AM
Cremebrulee's Avatar
Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 958
Cremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud ofCremebrulee has much to be proud of
Re: MIL continues to act out

Quote:
Seeking Sensibility I do not have a good relationship with my mil. She’s always been a nuisance but when she crossed a boundary that was totally unacceptable to me, it caused a domino effect with so many other issues in my family. I finally realized that my mil was the catalyst of so many problems.
sometimes people rub us the wrong way...being a nuisance, is one thing, but crossing boundaries is intrusive...what did she do?

Quote:
My mil was so appalled when I told her that she was a problem. She proclaims to know what my husband needs, what he is thinking, and how he feels. She’s convinced that there’s something wrong with me because I have a problem with her. She insisted, to my husband, that we get counseling. She even referred my husband to a particular counselor. I’m sure she hoped and expected that the counselor would “fix me”. We went. The result was…less mil, more harmony! I love irony.
How would you have felt if MIL told you, you were the problem? Did she ever tell you that?

Do your think perhaps she thinks she knows your husband, b/c she remembers how he was when she raised him and he was living at home? People do change when they leave home, they become independent, and continue to mold their personalities due to life experiences...and perhaps she's holding onto the son she knew a long time ago?

Did you MIL go along with you to counseling? It seems to me, the problem is between the 3 of you and it would have been most beneficial for you all to go, and perhaps productive in building up an understanding between the two of you?

Do you really believe that she thinks the problem is only YOU? Has she said that?

I don't know why my DIL started this...or what happened...maybe I said something to start it? But I would sure as heck like to know...could that be your situation? She said things, your feelings got hurt, you said things, her feeling got hurt. Once a problem occurs between two people like this, anything else is blown out of perspective sometimes and taken the wrong way when it wasn't meant to be?

It seems to me that anything I say, insults my DIL...and it is not meant to hurt her...I don't want to hurt her. Sure, I've been hurt and/or angry, and shared situations like they were...but perhaps I read her wrong...or heard her wrong in some instances? I dunno? My point is...all this stuff over time, esculates...when in fact, it could be worked out?

What do you think?
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old October 31st, 2009, 04:32 AM
LadyLove's Avatar
LadyLove LadyLove is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Illinois
Posts: 342
LadyLove will become famous soon enough
Re: MIL continues to act out

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeking Sensibility View Post
Then again, I may be insensitive like you say. I don't know.
Sometimes, you come off a bit strong. I used to be that way when I became a member over at the OC but I've cooled it down a bit because I realized that everyone is different no matter how much we may think that we are alike. We may have in-law issues but neither one of us share the same pain. We can express understanding, respect, and support to one another but we've never really walked in the others shoes. I tend to review each thread before posting and I try to be more patient, sensitive, and open toward the person who is posting because they are obviously having a hard time (whether I can relate to them or not).

We can only hope that our experiences will offer some comfort to someone going through a similar problem.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeking Sensibility View Post
This forum has validated your thoughts, feelings, and decisions repeatedly.
That's not what this is about. I am not seeking validity. It is not about making me shine as the good girl. I am seeking these opinions in a quest to enhance my understanding and balance the pain that I have endured over the years. The women here, both MILs and DILs, have shown much support simply by sharing their own experiences. (Different people yet similar pains). It is nice to know that you are not alone, that you will never be alone.

If any member on this forum believed that I am in the wrong then I would gladly embrace their opinion as long as it was presented to me in a tasteful way. I do not mind someone with an opposing opinion because all opinions make me see things in a different way. It is something to learn from. I want to read the perspectives of different women from around the world who have dealt with having unpleasant in-laws.

At this point, I am 150% positive that I will NEVER have a relationship with my in-laws, MIL in particular. BUT, this forum has helped to slowly build my strength, confidence, and understanding regarding the issue. I have learned that it is okay. I've accepted the fact that this is how it is going to be. Now, I just have to find a way to handle my in-laws attitude. It seems that their behavior has gotten worse with the time.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeking Sensibility View Post
If you are not pleased with your husband’s response, that’s the problem, not the in-laws. I don’t know if you are talking about these issues with your husband or if you are avoiding the issue as a way “to keep the peace”.
In August, my husband kindly refused to attend his bro's wedding. His decline to show up resulted in my MIL and her sisters leaving harassing voicemails and emails until the actual wedding day. Then, we come to find out that they set up a hate-wall at the reception for all the guest to write something negative about my husband (I was surprised to hear that I wasn't included in that one ). And the hate-wall wasn't even the highlight. I never posted what else they did because it was too shocking IMO.

Okay, anyway, my point is that my husband has given decent responses. His family's response is what is unacceptable. We have talked it over with eachother. I respect it when hubby chooses to visit them or when he does attend a function thrown by MIL. This does not mean I have to tolerate their negative reactions when we do not do something that they want.

My husband is not trying to start a war with them. All he wants is peace. He'd rather avoid them then confront the situation because that is his nature. He is like that. Clearly, his way doesnt solve the problem but that is how he is.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeking Sensibility View Post
The only thing that I know is that you say he is hoping that they will change.

Your husband needs to live in the present, instead of hoping and moping.

Have you told your husband that it hurts you when he chooses to spend the holidays with the in-laws instead of you and your children? .
I agree. But I cannot change how he is. I am not trying too. I think I am trying to find a way to cope rather than change anyone. Change is up to the individual.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeking Sensibility View Post
Believe me, if your husband is weak when it comes to his mother, I can relate. My husband is a strong, intelligent, moral man, but his mind turns to muck when his mother gets in his head. He loses the ability to think clearly.

I do not have a good relationship with my mil. She’s always been a nuisance but when she crossed a boundary that was totally unacceptable to me, it caused a domino effect with so many other issues in my family. I finally realized that my mil was the catalyst of so many problems.

My mil was so appalled when I told her that she was a problem. She proclaims to know what my husband needs, what he is thinking, and how he feels. She’s convinced that there’s something wrong with me because I have a problem with her. She insisted, to my husband, that we get counseling. She even referred my husband to a particular counselor. I’m sure she hoped and expected that the counselor would “fix me”. We went. The result was…less mil, more harmony! I love irony.
My husband does not stand up to his mother. This is true but it is his problem. I am blessed to have a good relationship with my own mother and she embraces him nicely as her Son-IL. Thank goodness for that! Eventually, he will have to fnd a way to handle the differences with his mother because it will pile up. It is already stacking up high.

I dont know if it is my responsibility to tell MIL to back off when she attacks my family. Or do I let hubby deal with it?
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old October 31st, 2009, 04:48 AM
LadyLove's Avatar
LadyLove LadyLove is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Illinois
Posts: 342
LadyLove will become famous soon enough
Re: Reply 1

Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
I have accepted it to, but it doesn't make it any less hurtful...do you find, that your doing well for a few months, and then something happens, AGAIN, and it throws you right back into depression/pain/sleeplessness?
You are so right! Whenever I begin to think that my in-laws finally got a hint, it seems like come out of nowhere just ready to attack. Yes, it sends my family in for a spin. My children are not involved because we do not discuss these issues in fron of them. BUT my mother, grandparents, and best friend (who support me) wind up in shock from the stories that I have shared with them. That is how nasty my in-laws can be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
It WOULD be so easy to be civil. Do you think these people have had nothing but despair and heartache, disappointment and rejection all their lives that possibly to them, acting like this is normal...
Yes, I believe this. My MIL, for instance, got married before she even graduated high school. She started having babies at 16 but miscarried most of them because of her then drug addiction. She appears rather bitter about life, is never happy for anyone, and we assume it is because she lost her youth. And now she is trying to make up for it all by staying out late at night, befriending a 25 year old bartender who she claims is her new best friend (the same bartender who she wants to hook up with my husband ), getting drunk every day, and tattooing up her body (her recent tat is of a pig that lays on the top of her left breast). In may ways, I find her pathetic.

My MIL doesnt compliment anyone, offer support, say anthing nice...she is just mean. Everything that she does and says is out of an act of bitterness.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:42 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2007, The BlueSparks Network