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  #21  
Old October 17th, 2009, 02:00 PM
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Thumbs down Re: MIL continues to act out

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Originally Posted by Seeking Sensibility View Post


This is what you have in common with LL. Day 1 hate. I'm sorry that this happened. My opinion may mean nothing. This is too serious.
I missed this. What did she do?


Actually, you are wrong. At least, you are when it comes to my issue. MIL and I never did start out on the right foot but there was never any hate on my part. I remember asking my future MIL out to dinner because sitting down and having a hearty conversation with her was important to me. Especially since my husband and I were planning our wedding. All throughout our courtship, MIL has no interest in meeting me. So, we finally met about two months before the wedding! My hubby and I were dating for a while by then but it took his mother that long to come around.

My invitations to dinner went ignored. Many times. Finally, she said to my hubby "JUST BRING HER TO THE BAR". At that point, I realized that she was not accepting of the fact that he was going to marry me. From all places on earth, a bar, OR "their bar", was not the place where I wanted to meet my MIL. It seemed so strange to choose a bar as a meeting place. I could imagine pushing my way through a crowded bar full of smoke just to see MIL. I decided not go. It wasn't ideal to me.

I met her at her home, in the evening, when she was just about to go to bed. Her hair was full of curlers. She was angry with my husband for bringing me by YET she knew that he was going to introduce us that night. So, he told her that she should have waited until we met to get read for bed.

So, please explain to me what did I do wrong in the beginning? Trying hard does not make me a hateful person. Not trying at all, like MIL, was a small indication that she did not like me, or want to like me. At the time, I never thought about hate.

Hateful feelings may develop over years of constant misunderstandings, abuse, lack of communication, etc. I do not think that you understand where I am coming from and I am sorry that you cannot relate because, if you did, then maybe you would not be so quick to judge in the way that you are.



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Originally Posted by Seeking Sensibility View Post
LLís issues appear to involve alcoholism, drug abuse, physical safety, and implied marital issues. In-law issues can surely lead to the latter issues, but let's stick to the fundamentals, ok? Her issues are extremely, lawfully serious. When those issues are at hand, itís a no-brainer.


Implied marital issues??? Okay, I guess I made that up to.

If you spend years of celebrating holidays without your husband as a way to "keep the peace" between the families, TRUST ME when I say that IT WILL bring some wear and tear to your spousal relationship. In a way, our unit is being broken to make MIL content. Hubby abuses my tolerance and kindness because I have been as open to the idea as I can but now that my children are getting a little older, I no longer want to seperate for the holidays.

On top of it, my own family does not have substance issues so it is very difficult for me to be associated with that kind of enviornment. My in-laws bring a lot of toxicity to the table and just because they are my husband's family does NOT mean that I have to put up with it.

I am sorry that it effects my husband in a deeper way because those are his relatives. He is actually numb to it while I, on the other hand, have a hard time accepting their behavior. They have serious addictions yet do not recieve help for them. It is pathetic to watch adults destroy their own lives.

That is why I stay away. I have every right to shelter my family from the harms of that family.



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I have so much to say, but I fear that it may be useless in this thread. You hate your dil. What will ever change?
I cannot speak for Creme but I honestly believe that she cared about her DIL. Her tone is filled with sadness and disappointment. I do not sense any level of hate. But if her feeling are ever driven to that point, it would be very understandable.

Like, I said, you do not seem to understand.

What is your relationship like with IL's? Perfect?
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  #22  
Old October 17th, 2009, 03:02 PM
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Thumbs up Re: MIL continues to act out

I too read your post and felt your pain. I know it hurts, but stay strong and finish strong! Stick to your boundaries and pray grace to do it (if your the praying type). I love the quote about the their jealousy/envy is a reflection of themselves and have pasted it on you --- it is sooo true and a hallmark of their bullying tactics. Actually, they fear you, fear they're son's love for you, fear your goodness, actually wish they were like you...but have no clue how to get there....Hang in there LadyLove -- your in my thoughts and prayers!

I LOVE THIS PRICELESS GEM TOO...Also, she doesn't want it to change, otherwise, it would also be an admition that she'd want me in their lives

I LOVE THESE QUOTES...I CUT AND PASTED THEM ON A NICE BANNER FOR MY OFFICE, SO WHEN I START THINKING OF MY OUTLAWS I CAN REFER TO THESE WORDS OF WISDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last edited by The Outsider; October 17th, 2009 at 03:09 PM. Reason: More thoughts on the post and I'm new at this sorry :(
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  #23  
Old October 18th, 2009, 09:38 AM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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Originally Posted by The Outsider View Post
I too read your post and felt your pain. I know it hurts, but stay strong and finish strong! Stick to your boundaries and pray grace to do it (if your the praying type). I love the quote about the their jealousy/envy is a reflection of themselves and have pasted it on you --- it is sooo true and a hallmark of their bullying tactics. Actually, they fear you, fear they're son's love for you, fear your goodness, actually wish they were like you...but have no clue how to get there....Hang in there LadyLove -- your in my thoughts and prayers!

I LOVE THIS PRICELESS GEM TOO...Also, she doesn't want it to change, otherwise, it would also be an admition that she'd want me in their lives

I LOVE THESE QUOTES...I CUT AND PASTED THEM ON A NICE BANNER FOR MY OFFICE, SO WHEN I START THINKING OF MY OUTLAWS I CAN REFER TO THESE WORDS OF WISDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yanno what I wonder sometimes...how they can stagnate not just they're own lives so tragically, but the life of their son, in my case, the lives of my GD, my son....I mean, there is no compassion...it's all about being right at all costs? That to me is mind bottleing...and so sad...it's hard to understand why they would pass up such an opportunity to know their DIL...and they're grand children. They are missing so much of life...it's just uncanny to me? That is not love....

Love allows their mate to develope further, even if it means them going ahead without them for a while...what I mean is, you encourage your children, mates, etc...to go forward and be successful and to live out their dreams. Love realizes that not all individuals have the same dreams...love is understanding that just b/c someone is your child, or your that they have to leave the nest and build their own lives....it's just so very sad, how intollerent some people are to this understanding...

That is why I refuse to ever remarry again...I never, ever want to live someone else's idea of what my life should be. Ever...

I see my son, when we speak, there is no emotion, he doesn't smile, his voice is monitone, he doesn't get excited about anything...ever...he has literally compromised his identity to please this woman....or should I say, he has allowed her to dictate to him, who he should be, how he should think and feel...and he should estrage his mother for her. I bet he feels very guilty when he does talk to me...I bet he feels like he is betraying her....

I said to her that time when we were speaking on the phone, "Can you imagine what this is doing to him". How this is hurting him. She yelled, "Its not about him, it's about you and me".

You can't get anywhere with these people, they just don't have a clue Lady Love and you and I have to accept it and move on.

Be the supportive factor in your husbands life, and make your life him and your children and let them go. There is nothing that you can do...
I wish there were something I could say or do to keep you from knowing this pain, this rejection...but I can't except....HONEY, LIVE YOUR LIFE....don't feel guilt b/c you can't make it work...feel good that you have tried so hard to do so.

And know your loved...by many....
Creme
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  #24  
Old October 20th, 2009, 11:53 PM
Seeking Sensibility Seeking Sensibility is offline
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Re: MIL continues to act out

Dear LL,

Iím sorry to have upset you. I really donít know what to say to you. I have no idea if youíre way ahead of me or way behind me. Let me explain, your situation sounds so outwardly, publicly horrendous. I somewhat feel that you are lucky to an extent because these people want nothing to do with you or your children. You want nothing with them, either. Then, whatís the problem? You say that it takes a toll on a marriage. Youíve also stated that your husband was terribly hurt by how his picture was obscenely mocked at your bilís wedding. At this point, why are holiday visits even an issue? I donít understand. I may have missed something, but Iím not clearly aware of what your husbandís role is in this or any type of dialogue that you have had in regard to your in-laws issue.
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Old October 22nd, 2009, 01:24 AM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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Originally Posted by Seeking Sensibility View Post
Dear LL,

Iím sorry to have upset you. I really donít know what to say to you. I have no idea if youíre way ahead of me or way behind me. Let me explain, your situation sounds so outwardly, publicly horrendous. I somewhat feel that you are lucky to an extent because these people want nothing to do with you or your children. You want nothing with them, either. Then, whatís the problem? You say that it takes a toll on a marriage. Youíve also stated that your husband was terribly hurt by how his picture was obscenely mocked at your bilís wedding. At this point, why are holiday visits even an issue? I donít understand. I may have missed something, but Iím not clearly aware of what your husbandís role is in this or any type of dialogue that you have had in regard to your in-laws issue.
I am sorry but I feel that you are extremely insensitive toward my situation. I expect certain members on this forum not to be able to relate to my situation but I do feel that you are attacking me in a sense and I do not appreciate it. You are almost doubting me and it is upsetting because I have no reason to make this up nor would I whine, cry, or confess to this if I wasn't hurt or effected in some way.

Just because my IL's want nothing to do with me does NOT mean that they want nothing to do with my husband. What affects him happens to affect me even if his folks do not personally address themselves toward me. My IL's have tired to contact my husband since BILs wedding and it has not been pleasant. Their messages, voicemails, and letters are so malicious. I am very lucky to have cut them out of my life but my husband is not. He is still holding onto a thread of hope that maybe one day his family will change. I dont blame him for hoping but eventually he will have to accept the fact that this is how his family is going to be toward our family. It is not up to me to make him see that. It is something that he has to face on his own.

How can this not take a toll on your marriage and your family? It is very hard dealing with a group of people that do not understand what the meaning of cooperation, respect, consideration, honesty, safety, stability, harmony, and love is. How can you celebrate with a family like that? I have saved all of the invitations that they have ever sent to my hubby with only his name on it. They never address it to us as a couple because that is how ignorant they are. I never attend their parties but I never discouraged my hubby from not going just because I wasn't included. At first, I was okay with it but over the years, not being able to attend a family function together has put a strain on certain holidays.

I do not think that my feelings are irrational or exaggerated. If so, then that is my problem. If my story is helpful to anyone then I am happy because I dont want anyone to ever think that they are alone. I know that I am not. I have met quite a few people who have had their share of hell from their IL's. What makes my situation appear so "horrendous" to you is that my IL's have issues with alcohol which clearly alters their moods and behaviors and makes this all 101% more difficult to resolve. Maybe if they didnt drink then they would be easier to get along with. Maybe they would be close to normal. And maybe if I were a blond then I might have more fun. I cannot sit here and make up what life would be like IF things were a certain way. I am speaking in truth here.

All families have disagreements every now and then. Anything can be resolved if you talk it over like adults. Unfortunately, I cannot do that with my own IL's but kudos to anyone who has overcome an obstacle within their familial unit.
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  #26  
Old October 22nd, 2009, 01:46 AM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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You can't get anywhere with these people, they just don't have a clue Lady Love and you and I have to accept it and move on.
I defintely accept the fact that there is no hope for a relationship with my IL's. I think the part that still drives me in circles is WHY did they want to take it to this level? It would be better to be civil with one another than to hate one another.

You do not have to like someone but you can still show some respect toward them. My husband chose to marry me because he found something in me that he didnt in anyone else. He was ready to settle down and make a life with ME. He wasn't dragged to the alter at gunpoint. So, why would the IL's want to tear us apart? Or try to put a wedge between us? Or hate me because I do not fit the description of the woman they wanted for their son?

This is what I mean by trying to show respect.



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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
Be the supportive factor in your husbands life, and make your life him and your children and let them go. There is nothing that you can do...
I wish there were something I could say or do to keep you from knowing this pain, this rejection...but I can't except....HONEY, LIVE YOUR LIFE....don't feel guilt b/c you can't make it work...feel good that you have tried so hard to do so.
And know your loved...by many....
Creme
I support my husband as much as he will let me. What I mean by this is that sometimes he will try to keep problems caused by ILs away from me, I guess to protect my feelings. Sometimes his attitude shifts. He gets really quiet and withdrawn and that is when I know that his family has attacked. I know how hard this has been on him. I try to be as sensitive as I can toward the difficulties even though we should be old pros by now and just let it roll off of our backs.

The rejection is terrible but I am better off without them and I have known that. I just cannot accept the magnitude of their rejection. They never had to like me but to be this mean for no reason proves how bored thier lives must really be. I have never done anything toward them to deserve this wicked treatment. I certainly do not want them to change who they are---I just want them to stop harrassing my family. Does that make sense?
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Old October 22nd, 2009, 05:45 AM
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Re: Reply 1

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LadyLove I defintely accept the fact that there is no hope for a relationship with my IL's. I think the part that still drives me in circles is WHY did they want to take it to this level? It would be better to be civil with one another than to hate one another.


I have accepted it to, but it doesn't make it any less hurtful...do you find, that your doing well for a few months, and then something happens, AGAIN, and it throws you right back into depression/pain/sleeplessness?
It WOULD be so easy to be civil. Do you think these people have had nothing but despair and heartache, disappointment and rejection all their lives that possibly to them, acting like this is normal...

What I mean is this...and I'm mearly thinking out loud here...but you take a woman whose been emotionally abused all her life. She has many opportunities to pick decent men for a husband, but she chooses a looser who is only going to abuse her more???? Why? Why does she do that? Because that's all she's known, all her life...people who put her down emotionally, so it becomes natural to her...to live any other way would seem odd to her? I don't know LL, I'm simply grasping straws here...? I think for the most part, people only act as they've been treated from childhood...it's all they've been trained to believe is normal? They're culture? Does that make sense?

Quote:
You do not have to like someone but you can still show some respect toward them. My husband chose to marry me because he found something in me that he didnt in anyone else. He was ready to settle down and make a life with ME. He wasn't dragged to the alter at gunpoint. So, why would the IL's want to tear us apart? Or try to put a wedge between us? Or hate me because I do not fit the description of the woman they wanted for their son?


I totally agree, there are people who I work with, that are very difficult people, and I wouldn't acknowlege them any where else...but, we have to work together, we have to get along and it would be so unprofessional to be any other way...so disrespectful. And they're only acquaintences...???? I can get along with most anyone, and I'm guessing so can you...YOU were your hubby's choice...never doubt that, or think anything less of yourself, due to your inlaws...again, please believe, it isn't you...it would have been the same for any woman who came along and married your son...that is one thing you must believe...it is not you...

I had a girlfriend and we have been friends for over 35 years. Her mother used to always be so jealous of me...She was nice to me, but always so jealous when her daughter spent time with me. Now if she comes along, and spends time with the both of us, her mother is fine...but if we go somewhere on our own, without her, and mind you, we call each other but have not seen each other in years...but if she comes home, with her hubby and calls me up and we go out to lunch or dinner by ourselves, her mother gets very hurt...I think that is the case with your inlaws...so just overly possessive? Co-dependent, perhaps? To submit to alchol, and drugs as they have says so much about them, they are weak, very weak, very torn apart inside, lost, suffering, just down right miserable people with no goals, no dreams, no positive thoughts...can you imagine what it must be like to be them...????? God, it makes you so thankful, doesn't it?
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Old October 22nd, 2009, 05:45 AM
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Quote:
This is what I mean by trying to show respect.


Believe me, I do know what you mean...honest, I do...it would be so nice, peaceful and easy...but I just don't think it's a concept they understand or are able to do. It seems to me, they must have disarry in their lives at all times...you've heard the saying, misery loves company? Well, it's all they know LL...they don't know how to be any different.


Quote:
I support my husband as much as he will let me. What I mean by this is that sometimes he will try to keep problems caused by ILs away from me, I guess to protect my feelings.


Please try and understand that always about him when you get upset...that is a very honorable and wonderful thing for him to do...I'm very happy to hear that he does that...what you don't know, won't hurt you.

Quote:
Sometimes his attitude shifts. He gets really quiet and withdrawn and that is when I know that his family has attacked. I know how hard this has been on him. I try to be as sensitive as I can toward the difficulties even though we should be old pros by now and just let it roll off of our backs.


That is what bothers me the most...I know my son would love it, if we got along...it would make him very happy...but my DIL fears that, b/c that would mean, they'd have to spend time with me then...she'd have to be nice to me, does she feel then, I'd be taking attention away from her.

Yes, I should be an old pro to...but here's what happens...your good for awhile, and then something else happens, and each time something else happens it thows you back into rejection, you get the knots in your stomach, you cry, nights become sleepless and or restless again...are you at the point where your not angry anymore...but you have this God awful sickness inside, where you sometimes can't eat...it's like a knot...and you could cry a lot...and all you want to happen is for all this to end? Do you feel sometimes like you hate what you've become because of this, and this is very difficult to explain, but this has made you a different person...like the naievity and trust is gone, and you feel hard inside, kinda numb? I cannot find the words to explain the feeling, but it's foreign, awful and not me...it's like colors are not as colorful as they were, there is always a saddness inside?

Quote:
The rejection is terrible but I am better off without them and I have known that. I just cannot accept the magnitude of their rejection. They never had to like me but to be this mean for no reason proves how bored thier lives must really be. I have never done anything toward them to deserve this wicked treatment. I certainly do not want them to change who they are---I just want them to stop harrassing my family. Does that make sense?


I feel the very same way...but disagree, I don't think in their case it's boredom, I believe in their case, they are so used to negativity, they wouldn't know how to live any other way????? And I could be wrong, you certainly know them better then I do.

LL, I have been on a lot of forums...trying to find answers myself...and I've seen some really really hateful comments made by DIL's about their MIL's, and MIL's about their DIL's. I'm certain, while I didn't mean to sound hateful and I was talking out of complete despiration, hurt and anger, that I sounded awful...and I'll tell you true, this is very embarrassing for me, as well. My point is, when I see a DIL who is willing, who wants this to end...and who speaks as you do...you just know, deep down inside, your a great person. Why, b/c you are looking for answers and simply not being hateful and closed minded about them.

But, I will tell you this...it does make sense and you just want it to stop...you want to be happy and get on with your life...all you want to do it talk to them, find out what you did and then say, "well, yanno, I didn't realize that hurt you, and I want you to know, I surely didn't mean to hurt you", so you can go forward and let it all die and go away. You just want peace in your life, that's all...and it's ok to feel the way you feel...while your probably up and down like a roller coaster....in your emotions over this...you need to know, it's ok...

LL, I wish I had a DIL like you, or should I say, I wish my DIL was like you...willing...just think, peace and harmony...your husband and my son would be so relieved...so free of any inner hurt over this...yanno, life is pretty darn easy, we humans are the ones that make it so hard....if my DIL were like you...I'd be so happy...we could be friends...and believe me, I have no problem with my son loving her...taking care of her...but rejection Love, is the most hurtful thing any family member can do to another...and no, I don't understand it and never will.

Sure we all think differently...we're never ever going to feel the same way about things...or the way we do things...but to take personal offense at someone's words to the point that you would cause so much pain and sorrow for so many people's lives is just utterly unfathomable...it is, it's down right crazy...I don't know how many years you've been going thru this...but I keep thinking 13 years of this???????? 13 years of not being able to be myself around her, being afraid to hug or show my son love in front of her...fearing I might say something wrong which will start it all over again...afraid for my son's feelings, afraid that I'll never see him again or my Grand Daughter...to have her actually throw out clothing and stuff that I sent my Grand Daughter, man, that's a lot of hate for someone you don't even really know????????

I made the big mistake the last time, when I went to visit them, watching my grand daughter run out in the pasture after the goats and her pony...how confident she was, and I marveled for a moment and spoke out loud, "My but what a tomboy she is", very proud of her fearlessness...and OH my God...that was the worst thing I could have said...my DIL took such offense to that..it was like I slapped her across the face or something??? Good God...I was so happy to see my Grand daughter...and those few words my son told me, hurt my DIL awful...my god, I could cry right now...I mean, can you imagine, if she's like that with me, how much of my son, has had to compromise his identity. You can't be yourself around her, you have to worry, like anything, what am I going to do or say that she's going to take offense at next...is she looking for something to act hurt about to distance herself from me more????? LL, can you relate?

Yesterday, a woman posted on one of my other threads, that I've got to be able to listen so that I can correct whatever it was I did or said or both...I would like nothing better then that....

Darlin, I don't have any answer for you, other then, please consentrate on your husband and children...and no matter what...never ever talk negative about your inlaws in front of the children or your husband...I don't know if it makes sense...but maybe if you can reach a point of forgiveness, for them...and feel sorry for them...I mean, honestly sorry, and let go of the anger...which does rear it's ugly head everytime something new happens...but is their great peace in forgiveness...? Since I've been able to let go of the anger, I seem to be able to have more compassion for my DIL then I ever did before....does that make any sense? Before I was just so down right hurt and angry at her...

Big hugs...and LL, please know I understand what your going thru...it's ok to feel the way you feel...and I'm so sorry your heart knows this kind of hurt...but believe in yourself that you are strong and everything will be all right...be strong in your family.. and love that husband of yours till the cows come home....know that you are blessed in having them, and that from this experience will come something very valuable in your life's journey...perhaps it's for you to learn patience, forgiveness...or to identify the greatness you have been gifted in life and are not like these people.
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Old October 24th, 2009, 04:40 AM
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Re: Reply 2

Creme,
You have stated, in one way or another, that your dil is very much into looks, makeup, and clothes and that she may be imposing her standards of beauty upon your granddaughter. So what do you do? You refer your granddaughter as a tom boy in front of your dil and then you're amazed that she was annoyed? C'mon, are you serious?
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Old October 24th, 2009, 05:06 AM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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Originally Posted by LadyLove View Post
I am sorry but I feel that you are extremely insensitive toward my situation. I expect certain members on this forum not to be able to relate to my situation but I do feel that you are attacking me in a sense and I do not appreciate it. You are almost doubting me and it is upsetting because I have no reason to make this up nor would I whine, cry, or confess to this if I wasn't hurt or effected in some way.
LadyLove,
You have misinterpreted what I have been trying to say to you. I have experience writing specifications and manuals. I sure done lost my touch sumwheres. I obviously have not been clear. Then again, I may be insensitive like you say. I don't know. Clearly, I do not doubt you. Your in-lawís behavior is horrendous; it does not mean that your marriage has to be horrendous. You have made a justified decision to stay away from your in-laws. Their behavior is not your responsibility; your responsibility is how you choose to respond to it. This forum has validated your thoughts, feelings, and decisions repeatedly. If you are not pleased with your husbandís response, thatís the problem, not the in-laws. I donít know if you are talking about these issues with your husband or if you are avoiding the issue as a way ďto keep the peaceĒ. The only thing that I know is that you say he is hoping that they will change. I hope they change, too! Iím quite certain everyone here does. I understand his hope. I have hope, too. I hope I win the lottery. It could happen! Still, I cannot live today as though I have won the lottery. Your husband needs to live in the present, instead of hoping and moping.

Have you told your husband that it hurts you when he chooses to spend the holidays with the in-laws instead of you and your children?

Believe me, if your husband is weak when it comes to his mother, I can relate. My husband is a strong, intelligent, moral man, but his mind turns to muck when his mother gets in his head. He loses the ability to think clearly.

I do not have a good relationship with my mil. Sheís always been a nuisance but when she crossed a boundary that was totally unacceptable to me, it caused a domino effect with so many other issues in my family. I finally realized that my mil was the catalyst of so many problems.

My mil was so appalled when I told her that she was a problem. She proclaims to know what my husband needs, what he is thinking, and how he feels. Sheís convinced that thereís something wrong with me because I have a problem with her. She insisted, to my husband, that we get counseling. She even referred my husband to a particular counselor. Iím sure she hoped and expected that the counselor would ďfix meĒ. We went. The result wasÖless mil, more harmony! I love irony.
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