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  #11  
Old October 12th, 2009, 09:29 AM
Brownie Brownie is offline
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Re: MIL continues to act out

Oh, how terrible you have to deal with the possibility of physical harm. That is awful. I'm didn't pick up on that.

I know I would want to know if anyone in my family or I were threatened like that.
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  #12  
Old October 12th, 2009, 12:18 PM
Seeking Sensibility Seeking Sensibility is offline
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Re: MIL continues to act out

Hmmm…I find Creme’s post very interesting. It’s not often that I have the opportunity to hear a mil’s point of view.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
Yes, the rejection hurts like hell, and people like them, like my DIL, love to hurt others...that gives them they're power I think...people like this run pretty much the same MO...
I don’t know your dil, but I’d be very hard-pressed to believe that any woman would marry and have children for the sole purpose of empowering a mil. BTW, what’s MO?

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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
I sent my DIL, a birthday card, with money in it...she sent it back....it hurt like hell for a day...then the next day I got up and said, "yanno what, you don't have to try anymore" and it felt good, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders....that was it for me.
Gee, what an ungrateful dil. She obviously has a problem with you. What’s wrong with her? She must be bad, right? If my mil sent me a birthday card with money, it would change everything. I would quickly realize how terrible it has been that I have stolen hubby’s attention from his mother. I would finally realize what a good woman my mil is and I would bend over backwards to make sure that she receive entitled privileges that she rightfully earned by giving birth to this man. I’d give her a free pass to undermine and devalue me as a wife and mother. After all, she is his mother. Hasn’t she earned it? Isn't blood thicker than water? Oh wait…stop! My mil recently did send me a birthday card with cash. I took the cash and bought dog food. I did not thank her. I did not tell dh about it. I told no one. I have learned that the best way to maintain harmony in my household is to refrain from ever talking about my mil. What do you think about that? What results were you hoping to get by sending your dil a birthday card...with money?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
Yanno, if you were a bad terrible person, it wouldn't bother you, you wouldn't be angry, hurt, and sometimes, in question of what you should do and how you should handle it....you just wouldn't care, period.
This is why I am responding to you. If you’re speaking from your own experience, you want things to be better with your dil. I commend you for this. I apologize in advance for this post, but I am picking on you to get a mil’s point of view. Do you feel that your son is obligated to you before his wife?
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  #13  
Old October 12th, 2009, 01:16 PM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

LadyLove, your posts are so painful to read. My heart goes out to you. Painful memories of my own drunk ex-MIL come to mind. I remember when she would call at 2AM after drinking all day and night and demand to speak to my then 10 year old son. She was a belligerent and nasty wench who would spew forth her venom as she slurred her words. Talking to her rationally did no good. Both me and my son had to hang up on her numerous times. These memories still haunt my son and I after 25 years. I had to cut the entire family out of our lives for this to stop.

These are not the memories you and your children want to carry for the rest of your lives. These kinds of actions damage people. All I can suggest is that you and your DH do whatever necessary to protect yourselves and your children.

I do not believe you can fix this. You need to remove yourselves from it. At the very least, stop the phone calls and emails. Block them or change them. I would not have any contact or accept anything from them at all. But this will only work if your DH agrees. These things will not change unless you are both on board.

I am sending loads of warmth and strength your way.

Beth
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Old October 12th, 2009, 02:19 PM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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Originally Posted by Brownie View Post
Oh, how terrible you have to deal with the possibility of physical harm. That is awful. I'm didn't pick up on that.

I know I would want to know if anyone in my family or I were threatened like that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth View Post
These are not the memories you and your children want to carry for the rest of your lives. These kinds of actions damage people. All I can suggest is that you and your DH do whatever necessary to protect yourselves and your children.

I do not believe you can fix this. You need to remove yourselves from it. At the very least, stop the phone calls and emails. Block them or change them. I would not have any contact or accept anything from them at all. But this will only work if your DH agrees. These things will not change unless you are both on board.
The physical threats toward me have been through word of mouth ONLY. If anyone in that family would come near me and say it to my face then I would have the police on them before they could figure out what hit them. And I never rule out having a restraining order or order of protection against them if it becomes necessary.

I would clarify one thing: I NEVER bring my children around my in-laws. NEVER. My mom always baby-sits when I know that I may have to attend a function thrown by the in-laws. My children are 100% protected against them. Besides, MIL and the rest have no desire to know them. They never call to see how they are doing, OR send a little card during the holiDays (ie Halloween, Easter, etc), and if they do attempt to send something then it is either old, used, or misspelled. I REPEAT, MY CHILDREN ARE 100% SAFE. THEY ARE NOT EXPOSED TO THE DRINKING, DRUGS, OR VIOLENCE FROM THE IN-LAWS. (I've invited some of the in-laws to both of my children's baptisms but it was a public affair at church where we are surrounded by a lot of other families. I know that they will not act up in public).

********** It is my marriage that is suffering because of the wedge my in-laws have placed between my husband and myself. It really takes a toll. ******************************

My husband had a cousin who moved here from Florida. Her name was Julie and she took a liking to me. She visited our home about three nights a week to chat, have dinner, and, at the time she needed help planning her wedding (I'm a small party planner so why not come to me for ideas and details ). Well, my in-laws felt that Julie was spending too much time here with our family so one night another cousin of theirs, Thomas (my MIL's nephew) approached Julie about why she spends so much time with me. Thomas strapped Julie into a chair and he and the rest of the in-laws yelled and screamed at her for being friends with me. Thomas even hit her. He also told her that I was next (thats what I mean by word of mouth).

That night, Julie called me to tell me what had happened. She was hysterical. When she told me that Thomas had hit her for being friends with me, I advised her to go to the police because he had no right to put his hands on her. Well, she never did go to the police because she was too scared. And I no longer wanted to associate with her because I was afraid that she would get harmed again for being my friend. It was a risk that I was not willing to take. Unfortunately, it ruined our friendship.

And my husband made the big mistake of being on friendly terms with Thomas soon after that incident. I was furious at my hubby for talking to that jerk after everything that he did.

Last edited by LadyLove; October 12th, 2009 at 02:34 PM. Reason: Had to add another point.
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  #15  
Old October 12th, 2009, 03:06 PM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
Yes, the rejection hurts like hell, and people like them, like my DIL, love to hurt others...that gives them they're power I think...people like this run pretty much the same MO...

Actually, they fear you, fear they're son's love for you, fear your goodness, actually wish they were like you...but have no clue how to get there....I don't think they hate you as much as they would like to believe, I think they envy you and your hubby...the goodness in you and when you try it confuses them even more, b/c they have never been in the place you are and never will be.
I want to thank you for your response because it has actually made me open up my eyes and see things in a way that I wouldn't have had I not read your post. (I highlighted the part that touched me...it is in red).

You see, what I struggle with is having all of these questions that I know will never be answered. I have spent so much time asking myself WHY DOESN'T MIL LIKE ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS TYPE OF TREATMENT? HAD SHE AND I MET AT A DIFFERENT TIME IN LIFE, WOULD OUR RELATIONSHIP STILL BE LIKE THIS?

The painful part for me in that I cannot sit down with MIL and find out how she really feels. Her email was so hateful and full of false accusations yet it was some insight as to how she truly feels. It made me so angry how she cannot let go but I am glad that I read it. I WANT HER TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT HER SON AND I ARE MARRIED. I am fine with her not liking me. I am not okay with her continuous acts of harassment, lies, and hatred. I NO LONGER want to be the object of her negativity. It has been going on for too long. I just want her to not speak of me and if she has to then I would appreciate if she'd confront me herself instead of talking behind my back.

Because my MIL will never sit down to have an actual conversation with me (AND BE COMPLETELY HONEST), my friends, family and I are left having to make up a sensible reason for why she wants nothing to do with me.

Your lines in this paragraph and the one below (also highlighted in red) have really made me think:

Actually, they fear you, fear they're son's love for you, fear your goodness, actually wish they were like you...but have no clue how to get there....

Also, she doesn't want it to change, otherwise, it would also be an admition that she'd want me in their lives

I nearly cried as I read them because it has been the answer that I have been looking for. The best part is that it came from a woman who happens to have a similar pain as me except that she is the MIL who is being mistreated by her DIL. You understand how bad the rejection feels. And you also understand how it can tear up a family.

I am sorry to hear of your struggles but I appreciate how you've opened up and shared your experiences with me. You have no idea how much this means to me. :

I never looked at things this exact way. But it makes so much sense. And even though the rejection will always hurt, I will keep your post in mind because it helps me get through the pain.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
What I would suggest to do, is understand the person you are...I know this is a life changing horrible thing, for everyone, just look at what your all missing? It could be so nice...and it's hard to understand how people like this could be so unaware of the lives they are hurting.
I do not feel that my in-laws could ever offer good company. They are not warm, supportive, or comforting. It is so hard to talk to them about something as simple as the weather!

I just wanted things to be nice for the sake of my husband and our family. I know that it would even relieve my parents if my in-laws accepted the fact that my husband and I are a unit. I do not disrespect them so I expect to be treated the same way.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
Anyway, I've thought about how, if she'd be nice to me, well, to her that would be an admition in her mind, that she'd have to take ownership in this, and she refuses to. Also, she doesn't want it to change, otherwise, it would also be an admition that she'd want me in their lives....you see, she owns her husband and her daughter and no one gets in unless she says so....and that could very well be your inlaws...people like this LadyLove run pretty much the same MO. Do you think this is the case with your inlaws?
YES!!! OMG!!! YES! You hit it right on the nose.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
don't beat yourself up...and don't feel badly about not wanting to be around them....you've tried your best...that is all you can do....
Thank you for the support.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
I know what a life changing event this is for you, I know the hurt you feel in your stomach sometimes...and the feeling of despair...even though your angry as hell, it's just so hard to fathom that people can be like this?
Yes, you are right.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
My door will never be closed to her...but, the balls in her court...like you, I cannot try any more...and will not....so, the only thing I feel for her now, is sadness,....she and her daughter and her husband, are missing out on so much, due to her shallowness and inability to care how horribly her actions affect the lives of others....this totally by her very own creation...and that, sweetie, is how your going to have to try and think & feel from here on in, if you can. Does that make sense? We've got to do what is best for our families and for us...first and foremost....these people are toxic and love the drama...they are miserable people and don't give a hoot about their own souls, let alone anyone elses. They can't, they don't know any better...it is their culture, and no one will ever get through.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so unfair!

And you are right, toxic people are a culture of their own.



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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
So, I totally agree with you and aplogize if I made you feel like you were wrong in your feelings...I was just trying to help you find some answers...I can read the saddness in your words...we wish so, it wasn't like this, but it is what it is, and there is nothing more you can do, and no one would blame you....

Hugs
Creme
Thank you so much Creme. Your post really means a lot. I have learned something today which I hope will make me a stronger person.

Please KIT. Maybe we could message each other in the future. I would love to get more insight from you.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could adopt new in-laws for ourselves? LOL.

God Bless You!

LL
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  #16  
Old October 12th, 2009, 04:13 PM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

This post has me in tears right now. I will respond once I've composed myself.

((((hugs)))))
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  #17  
Old October 13th, 2009, 10:02 AM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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Hmmm…I find Creme’s post very interesting. It’s not often that I have the opportunity to hear a mil’s point of view.
I don’t know your dil, but I’d be very hard-pressed to believe that any woman would marry and have children for the sole purpose of empowering a mil. BTW, what’s MO?
I don't believe that for a moment, but what I do believe is the fact that she did marry to be taken care of...she refuses to work and help out, so my son works 3 jobs to keep her and my grand daughter in label clothes, and I've been told that she spends thousands a month on clothing alone? I don't know if that's true...

MO means "modus operendi" which is short for character or behavior patterns.
Quote:
Gee, what an ungrateful dil. She obviously has a problem with you. What’s wrong with her? She must be bad, right? If my mil sent me a birthday card with money, it would change everything. I would quickly realize how terrible it has been that I have stolen hubby’s attention from his mother.


1st….I sent my DIL a birthday card b/c it's what I do…I certainly wouldn't think of sending my grand daughter and my son a card and leaving her out…I couldn't do that. It would be a very vindictive and hurtful thing to not send her something. It was her birthday, and no, I didn't expect it to change anything. I will be honest and tell you, that I really didn't know if I should, but in the end, I decided to do what I normally would do.

2. We were raised to believe that giving money gifts is much better then giving a gift, that way the person can buy what they want or need with the money. Right or wrong, I don't want to get into a debate of which that it's wrong to send money…b/c that would be insulting my parents and I'd get upset about that. Some people send gifts…I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it's simply what we do.

Quote:
I would finally realize what a good woman my mil is and I would bend over backwards to make sure that she receive entitled privileges that she rightfully earned by giving birth to this man.


I never really expected any privileges…they live far away…and I'm not a mother who interferes…I had a mother in law like that and actually I'm quit the opposite. All I expected was some politeness and a bit of respect for each other. I know she has hated me from day one, but for the small amount of time, we were together, we could at least be polite and civil to each other, but that's just me?

Quote:
I’d give her a free pass to undermine and devalue me as a wife and mother. After all, she is his mother. Hasn’t she earned it? Isn't blood thicker than water?


I'm sorry if your MIL undermined you…as a wife and mother…I really am….
I told the truth about what my DIL did to me, how she treated me….when my son wasn't within ear shot…and I will admit, I do wonder sometimes, what kind of life he lives, but that's his choice…not mine.
Was I hurt and angry at the things my DIL did, of course, he cut me deep...so I acted out and revealed the things she said and did to me...and to my son, and to my grand daugther...I have seen her temper and it is scary.

Quote:
Oh wait…stop! My mil recently did send me a birthday card with cash. I took the cash and bought dog food.


I don't know your situation, and I'm very sorry you and your MIL are having this problem and I do know and understand the pain your going thru

It's a shame, very sad, & very hurtful to ones self to be hateful or revengeful…I don't know you or what your MIL has done to you, but obviously your feelings have been hurt badly and I'm sorry for that…and also sorry that people go thru this, b/c it is life changing, and could a lot of times, not all of the time, but a lot of times, be settled peacefully if we all would be more communicative….and not take things as a personal attack against our characters. No one should have to endure this kind of pain....

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I did not thank her.


Why?

Quote:

I did not tell dh about it.
Why?

Quote:
I told no one.


Why?

I'd like to say, that when we get hurt by someone, we get hurt first, then we get angry, and act out, it is how we react to situations, that make us actually feel worse about ourselves, so what do we do, we get even angrier at the person we acted out against…why? Because we don't like who we've become, because of the situation between us….so we blame them and dislike them even more...this type of situation changes your whole world as you knew it...it's despairing, you loose trust, hope and that innocence....

Quote:
I have learned that the best way to maintain harmony in my household is to refrain from ever talking about my mil. What do you think about that?


That is sad…and a very heavy burden to carry…one must communicate and talk…even if another doesn't always agree, it's a way to get different perspectives and advice…and a very good way to self examine, which is where I believe a lot of productive answers come from.


Quote:
What results were you hoping to get by sending your dil a birthday card...with money?


Nothing, honest, if she hasn't changed her perception of me for 13 years, a birthday card was certainly not going to change her mind.


Quote:
This is why I am responding to you. If you’re speaking from your own experience, you want things to be better with your dil. I commend you for this. I apologize in advance for this post, but I am picking on you to get a mil’s point of view. Do you feel that your son is obligated to you before his wife?

Well, all I ask is when you respond to me, please remember I am not your MIL...and I consider myself a pretty nice human being...oh, yes, I surely do have my faults, believe you me, if I could I would change a lot...far from perfect..
No, my son's first and foremost obligation is always and forever to his family. His wife and child….and yes, I am speaking from experience…I have learned a lot over the past 13 years. There are great lessons for us to learn from all experiences, both good and bad…so perhaps I can help someone else in distress? I dunno? And I never felt that she stole my son's attention from me…I am not a needy person…I live alone, and have always been very independent, self sufficient and confident…
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  #18  
Old October 13th, 2009, 11:27 AM
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Re: MIL continues to act out Response #1

Quote:
I want to thank you for your response because it has actually made me open up my eyes and see things in a way that I wouldn't have had I not read your post. (I highlighted the part that touched me...it is in red).


Oh my, when I read your post, I cried…it is so heartbreaking to know there are so many people in this world who go thru this pain, degradation and despair.

Quote:
You see, what I struggle with is having all of these questions that I know will never be answered. I have spent so much time asking myself WHY DOESN'T MIL LIKE ME?


Well, I hope there is some consolation in knowing your not the only one who feels this way…many of us do…believe me…you didn't do anything. You see, and please understand, I can only speak through experience, so I'm not saying I'm dead on, and I don't believe everyone is like this…

These people will never give you answers…they are very insecure people who are very controlling…they have very little confidence in themselves and to sit down and give you answers is beyond them…they cannot communicate, they can't even take ownership in this, they absolutely refuse, which is not only stagnating to their own well being, but unfair to you. Have you ever heard the expression….the less you say the better? Well, that is their motto, they will blame you no matter what…and to sit down and talk it over with you signifies they want to try, and they don't want it any better…I'm sorry to say, by my DIL sending back that birthday card, she was sending a very adamant message. STAY OUT OF MY LIFE.
Darlin, the more your try, the more they will hate you….and make your life miserable and you set yourself up to fail…they don't care about what they're doing, they don't care that they're hurting so many other people, all they care about is, that they're right and if you think about it, that is the exact same attitude that starts wars and kills people.

Quote:
WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS TYPE OF TREATMENT?


You didn't do anything…what you did, is reacted to their insults and rude behavior and it made it worse. I know now, if I hadn't reacted to my DIL's behavior, things would not be nearly as bad. I fell right into her trap. I should have kept my mouth shut, never said a word to my son, and let everything she did and said to me, role off my back…I know woman who have been able to do this, and they still have a relationship with their son's. I couldn't, I reacted, out of confusion, hurt and anger…can you relate to that.
Quote:
HAD SHE AND I MET AT A DIFFERENT TIME IN LIFE, WOULD OUR RELATIONSHIP STILL BE LIKE THIS?


Probably not, I believe she views you as someone who took away her son…when in fact, it is so unhealthy and unbalanced to feel like that. A mother who really understands love is one who would be so happy to not only know before she died, that her son experienced real true love, and, feel happy for his accomplishment. She is not going to start trouble, or fear loosing her son…any mother should know, there comes a time in every mother's life, when they must let go. It would be so harmful to think any other way.
I don't know if this will help you, but I had a counselor tell me, that my DIL views this as a sort of love triangle…with my son in the middle. Two women fighting over one man? The day she told me that, is the day I really backed off and stopped trying. I think I always knew that it would never get better, but, I kept trying, and making myself a victim…setting myself up to not only fail but feel more pain. There comes a time when you have to say, enough is enough, and I believe your very near that time. Not in hate, or with revenge, but you just can't honestly give anymore…your tired, drained, and as I said before, these people are emotional vampires…they actually love when you come back for more…they feed off the hurt they are dealing you. Does that make sense?
Ask yourself this one very important question…if, your MIL really wanted to work things out…don't you think she'd sit down and discuss this with YOU like a mature adult. She'd say things like, "Well, I really didn't realize that hurt you, and I'm very sorry, I really am…" or , how bout when you say something that hurts me, or I say something that hurts you, we'll talk about it, and work on it together? Anyone who truly wants to get along and work things out, wants to see the other person's point of view, don't they.
Which also speaks volumes…about the fact that they don't want it to work out, and they will continue to reject you.

May I suggest to you that you may not have thought of? It isn't you Lady Love…Anyone could have come along and married their son, and they'd feel the very same way about that woman who ever she might be. It isn't you personally, it's what whoever married their son signifies to them…"they have lost control over him…they would view any woman who married him as an outsider, a stranger who came and took their son away. So, it isn't you…you have to believe that.

Quote:
The painful part for me in that I cannot sit down with MIL and find out how she really feels. Her email was so hateful and full of false accusations yet it was some insight as to how she truly feels. It made me so angry how she cannot let go but I am glad that I read it.


I'm going to tell you the same thing my sister told me…and that is this…I feel very sorry for your mother in law…b/c she is cutting off her own nose to spite her face, and she will never know you as we know you…and she is missing out on a great deal….

Quote:
I WANT HER TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT HER SON AND I ARE MARRIED.


She can't do that, she's afraid to do that, if she did that, it would me to her in her own assorted mind, that he is no longer hers….do you know that my DIL feared me before they were ever married. I understand from many of his friends, that when they all got together, they would reminisce about spending time at the house, and they'd tell my son, that he was very lucky to have a mother like me, who did so much for her son, and his friends. My son also talked to her about me, and she, being from a very dysfunctional mother, did not understand a mother/child relationship, and was very
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  #19  
Old October 13th, 2009, 11:33 AM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

Response #2

jealous. Lady Love, I think your MIL's mother was like her…this has to be learned behavior…it is her culture and you can't change someone's beliefs…so, please don't take it upon yourself to think your going to change this. I know you want to for your husband and children, but please believe, there is nothing you can do unless you have a willing mature person who is willing to change it along with you.

Quote:
I am fine with her not liking me.


I know, I feel the same way, you don't have to like each other but the mature thing to do would be, to tolerate each other and be polite to each other for everyone else's sake.

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I am not okay with her continuous acts of harassment, lies, and hatred. I NO LONGER want to be the object of her negativity. It has been going on for too long. I just want her to not speak of me and if she has to then I would appreciate if she'd confront me herself instead of talking behind my back.


Yes, indeed, but in all honesty, my DIL would not allow me to speak to her…therefore, I did the same thing your mother in law did…I spoke about it on forums, to friends, family…and in a sense, I was demeaning her…when I was honestly hurt, afraid, and confused like you, that she wouldn't try…wouldn't tell me what I did wrong…so it made me very hurt and frustrated and leaves the door open to all kinds of imaging doesn't it.

Quote:
Because my MIL will never sit down to have an actual conversation with me (AND BE COMPLETELY HONEST), my friends, family and I are left having to make up a sensible reason for why she wants nothing to do with me.


Yes, and to some degree it is embarrassing isn't it? Yanno, when my friends and family realized that I was having troubles with her, they started telling me how she acted towards them at the wedding, and do you know, to this very day, she has never ever interacted with any of my family except once and that was because I practically begged my son to come to Thanksgiving and she didn't talk to anyone that entire day…only short answers when someone spoke to her…and one friend, and that was b/c they said they'd go, and then tried to back out of going. You see, you only get to do, what my DIL wants to do…when she wants to and how she wants to…your MIL is the same way.


It's so refreshing when someone understands, thank God for these forums...huh?


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I am sorry to hear of your struggles but I appreciate how you've opened up and shared your experiences with me. You have no idea how much this means to me


Yes, I do, b/c there were people on forums who helped me a great deal…even if it was allowing me to vent…and yanno what I think hurts us the most, is, the people we've become b/c of this….so I do and can appreciate what your going thru and it's ok Lady Love to feel the way you do.

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I never looked at things this exact way. But it makes so much sense. And even though the rejection will always hurt, I will keep your post in mind because it helps me get through the pain


I don't think the pain ever goes away…but it does lesson, and when you finally come to a point that you know, you have nothing more to give…and you've done your best…you will see colors again…and you will fly…honey, don't let anyone hurt you like this…at least with you, it's not your son…you have your hubby, and you have valid reasons for this not to work…you were doomed before you were even married…and as I said, stop thinking it's you…it would have been the same with any woman who married your husband….and believe me with all your heart when I say…."they are truly missing out on a gift".

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I just wanted things to be nice for the sake of my husband and our family. I know that it would even relieve my parents if my in-laws accepted the fact that my husband and I are a unit. I do not disrespect them so I expect to be treated the same way.


Yes, it sure would be a whole lot better if we could all get along, wouldn't it. But, that would be to easy…and life is not always fair….
I gotta tell you, my neighbor just passed away…he and his wife were married for 60 years…can you imagine. They have 3 sons…one night before he died, I came home from work and his wife, had been never missed a day at the hospital or nursing home for 3 months. Well, there was her DIL, at home, cleaning for her, did her wash for her, and was outside blowing her leaves…I went over to ask her about her FIL. We talked for a while, and then she got tears in her eyes, while asking me if I'd look in on her MIL from time to time…I grabbed her and hugged her and said, "Of course I will, she's a dear friend".

Can you imagine…having a DIL love you that much…? What a gift.
Love to you and blessing to LL

Thank you for sharing…Lady Love and never be afraid to talk about it…what you have to say is important…

Creme
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Old October 15th, 2009, 11:58 PM
Seeking Sensibility Seeking Sensibility is offline
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
she refuses to work and help out, so my son works 3 jobs to keep her and my grand daughter in label clothes, and I've been told that she spends thousands a month on clothing alone? I don't know if that's true...

My friend’s husband picked up extra work when their kids were young so that she could be home with the children. They, as a family, decided that it would be best for mom to be home. You don’t know if it’s true….but if he is working just to pay for clothes, how is that any of your business? It’s not your problem. If it was your problem, you should do something about it. Should you confront your dil about their finances and the type of clothes they wear? How do you think that’d go? Better yet, why don’t you discuss it with your son? Why don’t you tell him that he’s working in vain. All of those extra hours are meaningless. Thus, his life is worthless. Let me know how this goes for you.
You gossip about your dil. You obviously don’t like her. Still, are you willing to do what you need to do in order to have a sound relationship with your son and granddaughter?
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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
1st….I sent my DIL a birthday card b/c it's what I do…I certainly wouldn't think of sending my grand daughter and my son a card and leaving her out…I couldn't do that. It would be a very vindictive and hurtful thing to not send her something. It was her birthday, and no, I didn't expect it to change anything. I will be honest and tell you, that I really didn't know if I should, but in the end, I decided to do what I normally would do.
2. We were raised to believe that giving money gifts is much better then giving a gift, that way the person can buy what they want or need with the money. Right or wrong, I don't want to get into a debate of which that it's wrong to send money…b/c that would be insulting my parents and I'd get upset about that. Some people send gifts…I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it's simply what we do.
This is exactly what I would expect my mil to say. You took thought and time in your answer. You even numbered it! The card was completely rhetorical. You don’t get it! The rhetoric offended your dil. Tell me, did you send a note with it or did you just sign your name? You obviously did something to make your dil angry. She went as far as to send it back to you. You definitely made her very, very angry because she substantiated her issue enough to offer a postal stamp. She’s screaming out to you! She does not want you in their lives and she’s mad. The ball is not in her court, it’s in yours. My mil is a lost cause. The only reason that I am writing to you is because you’re in agony. I truly hope and believe that you would like to make things better. Is your son your only child? What’s the deal?
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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
I know she has hated me from day one

This is what you have in common with LL. Day 1 hate. I'm sorry that this happened. My opinion may mean nothing. This is too serious.
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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
told the truth about what my DIL did to me, how she treated me….when my son wasn't within ear shot
I missed this. What did she do?
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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
one must communicate and talk…even if another doesn't always agree, it's a way to get different perspectives and advice…and a very good way to self examine, which is where I believe a lot of productive answers come from.
Absolutely. Tell us about your last conversation?
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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
my DIL views this as a sort of love triangle…with my son in the middle. Two women fighting over one man
Absolutely. Too often, I’ve realized that my mil is the other woman. This dual-loyalty is wrong and has to end. Left unattended, this issue will explode. It has for me. I suppose it all comes down to your beliefs. I believe, at marriage, a man is to leave his mother and cleave to his wife. However, there are religions that strongly differ.

I’m sure you don’t like me. You have many similarities to my mil. If you are willing to continue this discussion, I would advise that you start a new thread. My responses to you do not seem to be in accordance to this thread. LL’s issues appear to involve alcoholism, drug abuse, physical safety, and implied marital issues. In-law issues can surely lead to the latter issues, but let's stick to the fundamentals, ok? Her issues are extremely, lawfully serious. When those issues are at hand, it’s a no-brainer.


I have so much to say, but I fear that it may be useless in this thread. You hate your dil. What will ever change?
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