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Old October 8th, 2009, 01:03 AM
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Angry MIL continues to act out

A few weeks ago, MIL emailed my husband about how low of a person she thinks he is for NOT attending his brother's wedding (the wedding happened 6 weeks ago). She tried to insinuate that I wouldn't allow my husband to be in the wedding since I was not asked to be a bridesmaid. At first, that comment amused me. I actually laughed. Then, after playing it over and over in my head, I realized that it is no joke. MIL is very sick and twisted to make up this nonsense. She has convinced herself to believe that I wanted to be a part of BILs wedding which is so not true. I could care less.

Truthfully, my hubby has attended MILs wedding anniversary parties, Xmases, and birthday parties without me. I'm not complaining. (Okay, it bothers me but I never whine to my husband about how I feel. I let him do his thing. I just vent here on this forum or I talk it out with my family. I will not lie to any of you: this situation that my husband and I are in is very uncomfortable. It isn't normal because I think that my husband and I should be able to attend functions together with our children. It is a shame because if I do go then my in-laws start harassing me and that is something that I do not want my children to see). All of a sudden, my hubby decides to skip this wedding and it automatically becomes my fault. I don't get it. Can someone explain this?

Okay, so MIL's email, which hubby forwarded to me, practically blames me for everything that she feels is wrong in her family. It was filled with nothing but false accusations because it is easier for her to blame me than for her to accept responsibilies for her actions. Basically, she is frustrated with my hubby because he no longer jumps at her request. She says that I choose to be left out of their family, that I have no reason to believe that my children and I would be harmed by them, and that I walk around in great fear of them. She says that she tries so hard to be a part of our lives yet she is constantly slapped in the face.

My in-laws are drunks and drug addicts. They have lots of problems. During my first pregnancy, MIL bought us a crib for the baby. She insisted that it was something that she wanted to do. I wanted her to split half with my Mother but she went out and bought everything herself, leaving my Mother out (my dear mother was so disappointed because she wanted to buy us the crib set). A year later, OUT OF NOWHERE, she claimed that she wanted the crib back because she believed that my daughter deserved to sleep on the floor. What kind of grandmother would say such a thing? AND FOR NO REASON AT ALL? A cousin called and demanded that MIL wanted the crib back. I was about to lay down when I recieved that phone call which make my blood boil. (IF THAT IS NOT HATEFUL THEN TELL ME WHAT IS. I know that my in-laws hate me with a passion but to place that hate and anger onto my children is sickening!: mad: They do not deserve to be a part of our lives!!! ). When hubby tried to confront his mother she said that she meant that he and I did not deserve the crib. "?" WE NEVER ASKED HER TO BUY IT TO BEGIN WITH!!! THIS is WHY I DONT WANT TO ACCEPT GIFTS FROM THEM!!! Nothing that they do is sincere or out of kindness.

In 2007, MIL was so drunk she called my home and threattened to beat the crap out of my mother because she is jealous that my mother is a constant part of our lives. That day, my Mom was baby-sitting and had the displeasures of answering the phone. I was so angry and embarassed. Hubby went over to hoer home to have a talk with her. Apparently, she was "too drunk" to remember what she ahd done. SHE NEVER APOLOGIZED.

The truth is that MIL never accepted me, welcomed me, or included me as a part of her life. NOT ONCE. Until about a year ago is when my name finally appeared on invitations that she would send to my hubby. Can you believe that? For years, my husband is being treated like he is a bachelor. His wife and children are never mentioned on the envelopes. MIL never even calls to see how the kids are doing. She has absolutely no interest in knowing them. And with everything that my in-laws have done toward us, I consider it a favor that they are not in my life. I wouldn't want to be around them because I know that they have cruel intentions. They exude anger, hatred, jealousy, etc. I do not want my children exposed to any of that.

I am disappointed by how hubby chose to handle this situation. He avoids confrontation with his family but has no problem voicing his opinions with me. Now, after reading this email, I am not sure what I am supposed to do, if there is anything to do. Hubby will not respond. The only things that I want is for my children and I to be left alone. I dont want them sending my children any gifts now that the holidays are coming up (my daughter's birthday is coming up in two weeks). MIL usually calls hubby and asks him to pick up the gifts because she is too good to drop them off herself. I certainly do not want to be mentioned in her emails either (but I guess I wasn't supposed to know about that one. LoL).

I am irritated. Can you tell? This just keeps going in circles.

When will it ever stop? Someone once told me that divorce will rid the problem. I do nto want to think about it BUT I am realizing how difficult our lifestyle of not going places together has become. For instance, every Xmas hubby goes to his parents house to celebrate while the kids and I are here. Can you imagine being seperated from your spouse for nearly every holiday? It is total BS. And yes, lets all get mad at hubby. He has a lot to do with this.

How can we fix the problem when there are so many more problems on top?

LadyLove


Last edited by LadyLove; October 8th, 2009 at 01:16 AM. Reason: Forgot to mention a valid point. I cannot type as fast as I think. LOL.
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Old October 8th, 2009, 04:39 AM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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Originally Posted by LadyLove View Post
MIL is very sick and twisted to make up this nonsense. She has convinced herself to believe that I wanted to be a part of BILs wedding which is so not true. I could care less.
(snip)
All of a sudden, my hubby decides to skip this wedding and it automatically becomes my fault. I don't get it. Can someone explain this?

Okay, so MIL's email, which hubby forwarded to me, practically blames me for everything.... because it is easier for her to blame me than for her to accept responsibilies for her actions. (snip)

LadyLove

[/b]
((((hugs)))) - but you're right, it is easier for her to blame you

I have no words of wisdom, just avoid her like you've been doing - because in her mind it will always be your fault.
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Old October 8th, 2009, 10:54 AM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

If you REALLY want to fix the problem, you ignore everything that has happened, go with your hubby to the gatherings, ignore what they say, or smile and make a joke of it. And don't let it eat away at you any longer, what you are doing, by acting out, is falling into their trap...it's they're way of controlling the issue, and keeping you from coming around....while they play the innocent victims....

But, you have to be able to do this....

If I could have done this years ago, 13 to be exact, and not reacted out in a negative way....(what I did was fall right into her trap) and just completely ignored her behavior things would not be where they are today. Could I do then, what I'm suggesting to you to do now....No, I couldn't...I was to confused, hurt and angry...but I could do it now....actually, if you go with your husband and you don't act out, you prove to be the person he married, a great wife and good mother, b/c you'll also be setting an example for your children of what not to do.

I have found, that harboring bitterness, only begats regrets and harms one....God I was so angry at her for doing what she did...but now, I know why....before I was in denial and hoping a lot of it was my imagination, or it would work itself out at any given time....but it doesn't unless one does not retaliate.....and that's the only way...

I bet if you could pull it off, it would make your hubby one happy peaceful man....

I know it's hard, I couldn't do it, so I am not one to give advice here....but if I knew then, what I know now, I would make certain I ignored every mean word she said to me and every mean thing she did with a smile, and yanno what, in the end, your the lady...a real woman for doing so.

It never stops, until YOU take control and stop it...by ignoring it...show your hubby you want them to be part of the family and as I said, your in control as far as allowing the children to be with them, etc...but the gatherings...I'd go if I were you and let every rude insult they say to you roll right off your back....

Look at it this way, it is also a great lesson for you to learn, self control....a very powerful tool....very important at helping you to be successful in life.

I know what your feeling right now...I do, and understand that no matter what, you'd really like to change it...but in order to change it, you've got to take control and forget everything...they say forgiveness is forgetting....I don't buy that, you can forgive, but you never forget...it's always there when someone hurts you....but lessons with time, if they try...and it is a very serious effort on their part.

Good Luck with whatever you decide....

Creme

Last edited by Cremebrulee; October 8th, 2009 at 11:00 AM.
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Old October 8th, 2009, 12:29 PM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
If you REALLY want to fix the problem, you ignore everything that has happened, go with your hubby to the gatherings, ignore what they say, or smile and make a joke of it. And don't let it eat away at you any longer, what you are doing, by acting out, is falling into their trap...it's they're way of controlling the issue, and keeping you from coming around....while they play the innocent victims....

But, you have to be able to do this....

If I could have done this years ago, 13 to be exact, and not reacted out in a negative way....(what I did was fall right into her trap) and just completely ignored her behavior things would not be where they are today. Could I do then, what I'm suggesting to you to do now....No, I couldn't...I was to confused, hurt and angry...but I could do it now....actually, if you go with your husband and you don't act out, you prove to be the person he married, a great wife and good mother, b/c you'll also be setting an example for your children of what not to do.

I have found, that harboring bitterness, only begats regrets and harms one....God I was so angry at her for doing what she did...but now, I know why....before I was in denial and hoping a lot of it was my imagination, or it would work itself out at any given time....but it doesn't unless one does not retaliate.....and that's the only way...

I bet if you could pull it off, it would make your hubby one happy peaceful man....

I know it's hard, I couldn't do it, so I am not one to give advice here....but if I knew then, what I know now, I would make certain I ignored every mean word she said to me and every mean thing she did with a smile, and yanno what, in the end, your the lady...a real woman for doing so.

It never stops, until YOU take control and stop it...by ignoring it...show your hubby you want them to be part of the family and as I said, your in control as far as allowing the children to be with them, etc...but the gatherings...I'd go if I were you and let every rude insult they say to you roll right off your back....

Look at it this way, it is also a great lesson for you to learn, self control....a very powerful tool....very important at helping you to be successful in life.

I know what your feeling right now...I do, and understand that no matter what, you'd really like to change it...but in order to change it, you've got to take control and forget everything...they say forgiveness is forgetting....I don't buy that, you can forgive, but you never forget...it's always there when someone hurts you....but lessons with time, if they try...and it is a very serious effort on their part.

Good Luck with whatever you decide....

Creme
I hate to say it Creme, but I respectfully disagree. You should NEVER ignore the antics of an alcoholic, nor those that feed the alcoholism. You should also NOT exposure your kids to alcoholics such as these. Sticking your head in the sand and pretending that these people will not effect her children is dangerous to her children. And I think we can both agree that the safety (physical and emotional) of Lady's kids should come FIRST.

I think the best way to handle this is how you already are. Its tough, for that I am sorry. But keeping yours and your kids distance from these people is what is best for your kids and you. Your DH may or may not come around someday. But that has to be his choice for him to be at peace with the choice.

Tell your DH you no longer want to hear about their antics, see their letters, hear stories about what they did. Your DH needs to quit giving you more ammo to hate these people. If he wants to deal with his family, so be it, but he needs to stop pushing it off on you and you need to say no too. Don't read any more emails, next time he brings them up, stop him and tell him No thank you, I'm done.

I still think it would do your DH some good to visit an Al-Non meeting. Or at least check out their website.

Sorry for everything you are going through.
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Old October 8th, 2009, 12:51 PM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

I agree with grubby's advice. I think it is critical to protect children from alcoholics. And the best way to do that is no contact!

I think you should protect yourself as well and agree it would be in your best interest not to hear about his family as well. Your husband can maintain contact with his family (if that's his choice) without going into any detail with you. I would consider total cut-off. Let your spouse deal with it all.

As far as the holidays, how long is your husband gone?

You might also want to start thinking "Who cares what alcoholics think?" You also might consider looking into Al-anon yourself, at least maybe do some reading. It might help you find ways to cope with what has gone on in the past and offer ideas for going forward.

I'm so sorry your situation is so difficult.
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Old October 9th, 2009, 05:11 PM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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Originally Posted by LadyLove View Post

When will it ever stop? Someone once told me that divorce will rid the problem. I do nto want to think about it BUT I am realizing how difficult our lifestyle of not going places together has become. For instance, every Xmas hubby goes to his parents house to celebrate while the kids and I are here. Can you imagine being seperated from your spouse for nearly every holiday? It is total BS. And yes, lets all get mad at hubby. He has a lot to do with this.

How can we fix the problem when there are so many more problems on top?

LadyLove

I truly feel for you. It hurts to have a mil like this. In my experience, it does not stop, but my story is not over. It would be nice to have an enlightened mil but, unfortunately, it is not a reality for many of us.

Everything that I am about to say is personally based on my own experiences. My views are be subjective as I know that my mil issue is one of my greatest challenges.

I agree that your husband needs to confront his mother. Its wrong for mil to go around you and send an e-mail directly to hubby stating negative things about you. Did your husband voluntarily fwd the e-mail to you or did you ask him to fwd it to you? Im not quite sure of the relevance, at this time, but Im curious.

I have been as passive and cordial as I can possibly be for many years. Ive come to the conclusion that you cannot ignore evil. Everyone has their own boundaries. Only you will know when you've had enough. A marriage is the most holy relationship two human beings can have. You are one unit. Anyone that does not have the best interest of your marriage and family at heart is a threat. I agree with the cut-off. As dh continues to interact, it's imperative that he does not allow his relationship with his mother to effect the most important person in his life....you. He should respond to that e-mail. If he doesn't, I would. I suppose it really depends on how much she has interfered with the dynamics in your home.

To me, it's not retaliation, it's protection. It's not trading evil for evil. It's making it clear that you will not tolerate evil in your home.

Protect what belongs to you and what is most sacred. I would tell her that you are not going anywhere, get used to it. If she has any particular grievance about you, then she should come to you directly. I once had a conversation with my mil. I started it like this; You and I both love DH. Therefore, I am willing to set aside our differences for his sake. In my case, it went nowhere. My efforts were futile. I did not receive a positive response. I suppose I should not have assumed that she really loved her son enough to put her own selfishness aside. Anyway, its worth a try. No one can say that I never tried. I believe that you can, and have every right to speak your mind and set your boundaries without lowering yourself to her level and compromising yourself. Are you not already compromising yourself by allowing this chaos to effect you as much as it has? A response to the e-mail may lead to nothing concerning a resolution with your mil, but it should send a message to your husband. Your response may help make it a little more real to him as he may need a little help seeing the magnitude of the situation. If any of her words and actions are a cause of friction in your marriage, shes a trouble-maker. Her words are divisive. They are in no way conducive to the health of your marriage.

I know how difficult it is. Only you know what you really need to do. Only you know your husband well enough to anticipate how he may respond. I wish you and your family the best.
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Old October 10th, 2009, 12:10 AM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
If you REALLY want to fix the problem, you ignore everything that has happened, go with your hubby to the gatherings, ignore what they say, or smile and make a joke of it. And don't let it eat away at you any longer, what you are doing, by acting out, is falling into their trap...it's they're way of controlling the issue, and keeping you from coming around....while they play the innocent victims....
I appreciate your advice but I do not think that ignoring the pain is going to solve anything. It is very hard for me, personally, to pretend like they have never caused my family any harm. THEY'VE TRIED TO PUT A WEDGE BETWEEN MY HUSBAND AND I...HOW CAN YOU FORGIVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT? My in-laws have spent years purposely excluding me from their family get togethers. They have sent my husband invitations without my name on it, as if he were a single gentleman. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HURTFUL THAT IS TO ME?

If I did anything to deserve this treatment then I would have been honest from the day that I signed up on the OC three years ago. If I did anything at all then I would place it into the equation so that the problem could be resolved. I would never let this many years go by without correcting my own mistakes.


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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
I bet if you could pull it off, it would make your hubby one happy peaceful man....
With all due respect, I think it is hubby's turn to try and be more considerate of OUR family.

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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
It never stops, until YOU take control and stop it...by ignoring it...show your hubby you want them to be part of the family and as I said, your in control as far as allowing the children to be with them, etc...but the gatherings...I'd go if I were you and let every rude insult they say to you roll right off your back....
Trust me, I have TRIED MY HARDEST.

-I've invited MIL over for dinner numerous times. Each time she is "too busy".

-In the past, I attended a few of their events even though I knew that I wasn't truly welcomed or included. My in-laws went out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable by acting like I wasn't there, ignoring me when I tried to speak or participate in their conversations, and continuously rolled their eyes at me like we were in high school. Then, when the drinks kick in, it gets WORSE. MIL acts like an old fool, running her dirty offensive mouth. (FYI: At my daughter's baptism, BIL's wife asked me to get out of the family photo right as the picture was being taken. Everyone was in shock by her rudeness...even the priest turned around! ...so how do you handle that type of ignorance? Really.)

With that kind of treatment, why would I want to go back???

Furthermore, why would I want my children to witness their mother being treated like dirt? I have to protect them from that type of atmosphere.



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Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
I know what your feeling right now...I do, and understand that no matter what, you'd really like to change it...but in order to change it, you've got to take control and forget everything...they say forgiveness is forgetting....I don't buy that, you can forgive, but you never forget...it's always there when someone hurts you....but lessons with time, if they try...and it is a very serious effort on their part.
I cannot forgive my in-laws for the damage that they have done. Years go by and the resentment builds. I will never forgive them. Period.


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Good Luck with whatever you decide....

Creme
Thank you.

LadyLove

Last edited by LadyLove; October 10th, 2009 at 12:14 AM. Reason: Misspelling.
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Old October 10th, 2009, 12:27 AM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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I hate to say it Creme, but I respectfully disagree. You should NEVER ignore the antics of an alcoholic, nor those that feed the alcoholism. You should also NOT exposure your kids to alcoholics such as these. Sticking your head in the sand and pretending that these people will not effect her children is dangerous to her children. And I think we can both agree that the safety (physical and emotional) of Lady's kids should come FIRST.
Yes, my childrens health and safety is what is most important to me.

My MIl is a hard core alcoholic, FIL used to be addicted to hard drugs, and both BILs have struggled with their share of drug abuse and alcohol addiction. My in-laws do not offer a stable enviornment for my children to go over and visit.

When my daughter was born, MIL stumbled into our place straight from the bar, smelled like an old man's *****, and refused to wash her hands before touching the baby. She took a dollar bill out of her wallet and tried to give it to my baby to hold. Does that seem normal to you?

I do not want anyone to think that I refuse to let my in-laws see my children as a way to get back at them for not liking me because that is simply not the case. If my in-laws did not have the type of problems that they do (drugs and alcohol) then I wouldn't mind my children going over to see them even though I do not get along with them.


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I think the best way to handle this is how you already are. Its tough, for that I am sorry. But keeping yours and your kids distance from these people is what is best for your kids and you. Your DH may or may not come around someday. But that has to be his choice for him to be at peace with the choice.
I still believe that keeping our distance is the wisest thing to do BUT my grandmother says that it shows a sign of weakness to my in-laws. She says that it gives them more to talk about when I do not show up to their events. I know that she is old fashioned so her though process is a little different. I have gone to their functions and have been treated terribly so I dont know what the difference would be if I show up or not.

I do not want to appear weak in any way. I have tried and I am not ashamed to say that I give up because I would rather put my efforts toward something more important. Trying to get along with the in-laws has been a waste of my good time.


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Tell your DH you no longer want to hear about their antics, see their letters, hear stories about what they did. Your DH needs to quit giving you more ammo to hate these people. If he wants to deal with his family, so be it, but he needs to stop pushing it off on you and you need to say no too. Don't read any more emails, next time he brings them up, stop him and tell him No thank you, I'm done.
This is a good idea.

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I still think it would do your DH some good to visit an Al-Non meeting. Or at least check out their website.

Sorry for everything you are going through.
Thank you for the support.

LadyLove
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Old October 10th, 2009, 12:32 AM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

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Originally Posted by Brownie View Post
I agree with grubby's advice. I think it is critical to protect children from alcoholics. And the best way to do that is no contact!

I think you should protect yourself as well and agree it would be in your best interest not to hear about his family as well. Your husband can maintain contact with his family (if that's his choice) without going into any detail with you. I would consider total cut-off. Let your spouse deal with it all.

As far as the holidays, how long is your husband gone?

You might also want to start thinking "Who cares what alcoholics think?" You also might consider looking into Al-anon yourself, at least maybe do some reading. It might help you find ways to cope with what has gone on in the past and offer ideas for going forward.

I'm so sorry your situation is so difficult.
Is it really wise for me not to know what is going on in hubby's life with the in-laws? Sometimes, I feel that I should know to protect me and my children. For instance, a drunk cousin of his said that he would like to punch me in the nose for disrespecting his aunt (aka MIL)...another relative reported this to hubby who then told me. So, I was glad to know since I randomly run into this cousin at the local drugstore...I was made aware that he might try to hurt me.

And yes, I will definitely consider the al-non meeting.

Thanx,
LL
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Old October 12th, 2009, 05:53 AM
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Re: MIL continues to act out

I'm so sorry Lady Love, I was wrong, and I have to agree with Grubby and Brownie...I didn't realize to what extent your inlaws drink...I would absolutely not want my children around such instability.

Yes, the rejection hurts like hell, and people like them, like my DIL, love to hurt others...that gives them they're power I think...people like this run pretty much the same MO...

Actually, they fear you, fear they're son's love for you, fear your goodness, actually wish they were like you...but have no clue how to get there....I don't think they hate you as much as they would like to believe, I think they envy you and your hubby...the goodness in you and when you try it confuses them even more, b/c they have never been in the place you are and never will be.

What I would suggest to do, is understand the person you are...I know this is a life changing horrible thing, for everyone, just look at what your all missing? It could be so nice...and it's hard to understand how people like this could be so unaware of the lives they are hurting.

If your like me, what is most upsetting is, sometimes you think, "God, it could be so easy, in my case, we live so far away from one another that I find it unfathomable that my DIL would want to cause trouble in the little time we're together. But people like this Lady are self impossed...they can't see past their own noses...and only want what they want without consideration or care for the other person's feelings.

Anyway, I've thought about how, if she'd be nice to me, well, to her that would be an admition in her mind, that she'd have to take ownership in this, and she refuses to. Also, she doesn't want it to change, otherwise, it would also be an admition that she'd want me in their lives....you see, she owns her husband and her daughter and no one gets in unless she says so....and that could very well be your inlaws...people like this LadyLove run pretty much the same MO. Do you think this is the case with your inlaws?

don't beat yourself up...and don't feel badly about not wanting to be around them....you've tried your best...that is all you can do....
Knowing the kind of person you are, when you grow older, and your inlaws are dead and gone, I promise you, you will feel differently about them....

Yanno, if you were a bad terrible person, it wouldn't bother you, you wouldn't be angry, hurt, and sometimes, in question of what you should do and how you should handle it....you just wouldn't care, period.

I know what a life changing event this is for you, I know the hurt you feel in your stomach sometimes...and the feeling of despair...even though your angry as hell, it's just so hard to fathom that people can be like this?

I sent my DIL, a birthday card, with money in it...she sent it back....it hurt like hell for a day...then the next day I got up and said, "yanno what, you don't have to try anymore" and it felt good, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders....that was it for me...I don't hate her, I don't feel anything, but, I have nothing more to give her.

My door will never be closed to her...but, the balls in her court...like you, I cannot try any more...and will not....so, the only thing I feel for her now, is sadness,....she and her daughter and her husband, are missing out on so much, due to her shallowness and inability to care how horribly her actions affect the lives of others....this totally by her very own creation...and that, sweetie, is how your going to have to try and think & feel from here on in, if you can. Does that make sense? We've got to do what is best for our families and for us...first and foremost....these people are toxic and love the drama...they are miserable people and don't give a hoot about their own souls, let alone anyone elses. They can't, they don't know any better...it is their culture, and no one will ever get through.

So, I totally agree with you and aplogize if I made you feel like you were wrong in your feelings...I was just trying to help you find some answers...I can read the saddness in your words...we wish so, it wasn't like this, but it is what it is, and there is nothing more you can do, and no one would blame you....

Hugs
Creme
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