Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Family Forum > Spouses & Significant Others

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old April 18th, 2012, 03:23 AM
freelancerlynne freelancerlynne is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 24
freelancerlynne is on a distinguished road
Re: Would u stay?

Like the others, I will stay also. If you love your husband you should not give up. Find other ways to fix your problems nothing is perfect in this world. In marriage there is always ups and downs and its really up to both of you how to handle it. Try to analyze yourself maybe you are expecting too much from him.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old April 22nd, 2012, 09:18 PM
Tasha Tasha is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: la la land
Posts: 28
Tasha is on a distinguished road
Re: Would u stay?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyVanPelt View Post
Exactly. Individual needs cannot and should not be suppressed, but we also shouldn't make other people responsible for making sure our needs are met. It's not realistic to think another person is can and should meet all of our individual needs. And, in marriage, "our" needs always take priority.

For example, in your other thread, you talked about your need to be friends with men outside your marriage. Your husband cannot possibly meet that need because he's not a man outside of your marriage. Your husband has a need for you not to be friends with men outside of your marriage because you cheated on him before you were married. "Our" needs in this case is building trust and communication. What have you done to work on "our" needs instead of focusing in your individual needs?


This is what you wrote 4 months ago, and now you're basically asking for support to leave the marriage. What changed?

I just dont think I'm being understood. I'm not sure how else I can explain it. It's ok though. I will figure this out some way.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old April 23rd, 2012, 09:32 AM
Swiss140's Avatar
Swiss140 Swiss140 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 292
Swiss140 is a jewel in the rough
Re: Would u stay?

Hi,

Um I would try counseling. To me your reasons are not valid reasons to end a marriage or at least not without fighting for your marriage with everything you have. Remember marriage is for better or worse.

It sounds to me that whatever it is can be worked out, I was like that with my wife for 10 years and even still am at times. For instance I do not buy her things for her birthday and never buy her much for Christmas. But I love her very much. It took a while for me but I did learn to show her that I love her in other ways.

Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old April 23rd, 2012, 03:53 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 12,939
KayKay has much to be proud ofKayKay has much to be proud ofKayKay has much to be proud of
Re: Would u stay?

I agree, Swiss. My DH is pretty good about saying "I love you" but more than the words are the actions of his which show me that he loves me. And it's not flowers or date nights. The man gets up every day no matter how tired or burned out he is and goes to work to give me the life he wants me to have. That's how I know he loves me. He doesn't need to buy me presents or say a word to me (even though he does). I think that understanding comes with time though.

Tasha, here's a story of a woman I know.

When she was 16, she started dating the boy of her dreams. He was great-looking, wealthy, and wanted to be (and did become) a doctor. She also happened to be great-looking and wanted to be a doctor (I don't know about the wealthy part, tbh). She knew right away he was "The One" and her mom knew that he was a real catch so encouraged her. They dated for 4 or 5 years and got married and were the perfect couple. I met her when she and her DH were in medical school, and I always thought "Wow. That's what I wish I was." It was like seeing Barbie and Ken, and not just physical appearances. After 4 years (or so) of marriage, she decided to divorce him. I couldn't imagine! He was perfect in every way!! They had a great marriage! She said "Being married to him is like being married to my best friend." I thought to myself "What's wrong with being married to your best friend? I'm married to MY best friend!" After the divorce, she started dating another guy who was (no surprise) great-looking, wealthy, and on the road to becoming a doctor. They fell head-over-heels in love in a matter of weeks and have now had a deliriously happy marriage for 15 years.

The two men were very similar; both were the same "type" of man (great-looking, wealthy, doctor).

The key difference was their personalities. Her first DH is a great guy - quiet, respectful, sincere. Her second DH is a great guy - passionate and charming. While she thought the world of her first DH, she "needed" a guy like her second DH. The problem is that she married so young; she knew what she "wanted" when she found Great DH #1, but she hadn't grown up enough to know what she'd "need."

The reason I'm telling you this story is that you sound, to me, like that woman. She had a great husband who was (on paper) the type of man she wanted. He was not the type of man she "needed" though. The divorce was amicable, and as it turned out was better for both of them. He found someone who "needed" what he was, and she found someone she "needed."

Would *I* stay in your marriage? Yes. Should you? That's up to you.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old April 23rd, 2012, 11:04 PM
Tasha Tasha is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: la la land
Posts: 28
Tasha is on a distinguished road
Re: Would u stay?

Kay Kay you got me exactly. I had my list and met my husband and he checked them all off. He was perfect at that time. I grew up and realized I needed something different.

When I started this thread I was really just asking if the person you was with had the potential to be great but didn't do the work would you stay just because one day you knew it could maybe be great again?? Or would you rather get with someone you knew was always going to do the work on your marriage and not let things be? (I wanted to clear that up for those who didn't understand my original question)

I really am not asking anyones acceptance to get a divorce. I started this thread because I was wondering if there was another side to this I wasn't seeing.

But you know I just went over my first post and I dont think I explained it well. So I would like a do over. I am going to start a new thread.

Last edited by Tasha; April 23rd, 2012 at 11:08 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old April 24th, 2012, 12:13 AM
Tasha Tasha is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: la la land
Posts: 28
Tasha is on a distinguished road
Re: Would u stay?

When I started this thread I was trying to not write a really long first post which just ended up confusing people I think. So I have started this one

http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...ead.php?t=4770
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:33 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network