Go Back   Friends and Family Forum > The Friend Forum > Boyfriends & Girlfriends

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old February 9th, 2012, 04:42 PM
chickity35's Avatar
chickity35 chickity35 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 3
chickity35 is on a distinguished road
BF issues...

Need some advice.

My relationship with my boyfriend has its ups and downs.

When we fight it just goes to a whole different level.

Recently I got upset with him and he has yet to really apologize.

My issue is that when we DO argue- apologies are hard to come by and it seems like we just treat each other badly for days on end.

IE-
He just ignores me one day. Leaves in the morning without saying Good bye. All day we do not text or speak to each other and then when I come home that night he will try to kiss me hello on the cheek. I don't know what to make of it all because it's very much like a rollercoaster ride. Then he will get upset at something and says things under his breath.

It's such an awkward situation to handle. I am no angel and I have messed up in the past too but I just feel that he is so unwilling to ever really talk about things regarding feelings and emotions.

I have even suggested counseling but he nearly laughed in my face.

I do love him and we have been through a lot but I don't know when it's time to throw in the towel. I am tired of always feeling like I am the only one who cares to make things better. I cannot just ignore problems (like he seems to) and move on. I like to talk things out to find a solution but he just seems to disengage whenever I try to talk about our issues.

Thanks for listening...

Any helpful advice anyone has is greatly appreciated
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old February 9th, 2012, 04:54 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 12,936
KayKay has much to be proud ofKayKay has much to be proud ofKayKay has much to be proud of
Re: BF issues...

What do you want out of this relationship? It kind of sounds to me like you want the relationship to grow and he's content with where it is now.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old February 9th, 2012, 05:02 PM
chickity35's Avatar
chickity35 chickity35 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 3
chickity35 is on a distinguished road
Re: BF issues...

I want an adult relationship. We are both adults. I am very much looking towards the future.
I just don't know if I should just give up and move out. I am a happy, positive person but lately when it comes to these problems we are having I feel like a different person.

I have a great job that I love (I work with animals), I have two dogs, I have great friends and family. And when my relationship is good, its SO so good but when there is a hiccup in our relationship it just feels devastating because he seems to make it impossible to talk things out...

Last edited by chickity35; February 9th, 2012 at 05:13 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old February 9th, 2012, 06:05 PM
KayKay's Avatar
KayKay KayKay is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 12,936
KayKay has much to be proud ofKayKay has much to be proud ofKayKay has much to be proud of
Re: BF issues...

Unfortunately this is something you have to decide for yourself. I'm trying very hard to think of something wise to say to you and I'm falling short.

All I know to say is that in the folly of my youth, I believed I could change my DH to be what *I* wanted. That was unfair to him and a waste of my energy. (Turns out he's pretty okay as is. ) I can't remember the exact saying, but it's something along the lines of "men are not fixer-uppers." You get to decide if you accept how he is or not.
__________________
Expecto Patronum!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old February 9th, 2012, 07:26 PM
Karina Karina is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 100
Karina will become famous soon enough
Re: BF issues...

Hi Chickity!!! I strongly agree with KayKay in that you need to decide if you can accept him the way he is. My husband and I did go through the same thing. We have been working on it and it seems to be getting better and better. The hubby isn't very good at talking and expressing his feelings. He has been trying but I know he is much more comfortable with actions rather than speaking. I've accepted that about him although it took some time to realize that I even could. But, there are times when you have to speak in order to make things right and shrugging something off won't make things better. You need to decide if you can be with someone who has a difficult time expressing himself. If he can make an effort to be a little more understanding and speak with you seriously about certain things then maybe it could work. Sorry for rambling!!!!!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old February 10th, 2012, 01:23 AM
cottagegarden1 cottagegarden1 is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 7
cottagegarden1 is on a distinguished road
Re: BF issues...

strongly agree with the other two comments! men are bad at talking about their feelings, especially if they feel critisised in anyway. He probably wont change, and you may waste a lot of energy trying to make him change. I know that my close friends who are in a dedicated relationship (getting married later this year!) seemed to argue a lot when they moved in together. She said it was their way of standing their ground on what was important to them e.g. making sure the other person knew their true feelings and being open and honest.
Could there be another way of expressing your feelings which doesn't result in a row? perhaps so he doesn't feel too critised and backed into a corner. Just a thought. or maybe he starts the rows which would be a totally different matter!
Hope that helps

Good luck.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old February 10th, 2012, 02:51 PM
snafu's Avatar
snafu snafu is offline
future crazy cat lady
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Mid-west
Posts: 7,516
snafu has much to be proud ofsnafu has much to be proud ofsnafu has much to be proud of
Re: BF issues...

ex and I both had communication issues ....

Can you live with him the way he is for the rest of your life? (think another 50 yrs of this).


As you stated he's resistent to counciling, would you go for individual counciling. It may help you to become a better communicator and listener.


((hugs))
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old March 6th, 2012, 10:45 AM
landonhemsley landonhemsley is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
landonhemsley is on a distinguished road
Re: BF issues...

Quote:
Originally Posted by chickity35 View Post
Need some advice.

My relationship with my boyfriend has its ups and downs.

When we fight it just goes to a whole different level.

Recently I got upset with him and he has yet to really apologize.

My issue is that when we DO argue- apologies are hard to come by and it seems like we just treat each other badly for days on end.

IE-
He just ignores me one day. Leaves in the morning without saying Good bye. All day we do not text or speak to each other and then when I come home that night he will try to kiss me hello on the cheek. I don't know what to make of it all because it's very much like a rollercoaster ride. Then he will get upset at something and says things under his breath.

It's such an awkward situation to handle. I am no angel and I have messed up in the past too but I just feel that he is so unwilling to ever really talk about things regarding feelings and emotions.

I have even suggested counseling but he nearly laughed in my face.

I do love him and we have been through a lot but I don't know when it's time to throw in the towel. I am tired of always feeling like I am the only one who cares to make things better. I cannot just ignore problems (like he seems to) and move on. I like to talk things out to find a solution but he just seems to disengage whenever I try to talk about our issues.

Thanks for listening...

Any helpful advice anyone has is greatly appreciated
Rather than focusing on what he is not, start by focusing on what he is. I've found in my marriage that problems between partners are rarely one-party problems. You can't just expect your partner to apologize, even if he is terribly wrong, unless you are willing to do the same.

You'll often find the perfect partner if you are the perfect partner. Do what you would like him to do.

You have to try to talk to him more often. Communication is going to help you more than anything else I can think of. You know him better than any of us, so try and make talking about stuff as comfortable an experience as possible. In the beginning, this can be difficult (to say the least), but if you tell him you love him, despite the hard times and the arguments, and if you apologize for contributing to those arguments, he'll likely soften up.

Think less of you and think more of him. Do it long enough, talk to him directly about it, and he'll return the favor over time as he grows to see your worth. You know your worth is there, but it's easy for you to lose sight of his worth and for him to lose sight of your worth if you don't talk and fight frequently. You have to make up.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old March 6th, 2012, 03:35 PM
gardenofjade gardenofjade is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NC
Posts: 98
gardenofjade is on a distinguished road
Re: BF issues...

Emotional blackmail is a form of abuse. just sayin.
Maybe he's not the one.
Breaking up is hard but if it's the right thing to do you will survive.

One more thing, the person who loves the least (doesn't contribute to the relationship) is the one who controls the relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old April 17th, 2012, 08:57 AM
supermatt supermatt is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 39
supermatt is on a distinguished road
Re: BF issues...

Hello I think I can figure out this issue from the guys side. Why? because I am a guy and I used to be the same way you are explaining. Why do guys do this...well maybe he doesn't do this but sometimes this is how I feel.

(may not be the same situation but this is what happened to me)
So I had this same roller coaster with my Ex. What would happen is I would do something to upset her but I felt it wasn't anything to get upset over. IE: I like to poke, tickle, and tease to flirt. For some reason this was wonderful when we first started dating but later on when it got serious she didn't like it??? I don't know why but I felt I did nothing wrong, that's who I am so it made me upset that she took it as a bad thing instead of: heyyyy I am trying to flirt with you because I like you. So I would get upset and it would drag on to the point of exhaustion so in the end I got completely fed up with it and now I am dating someone that matches me more. If both of you are not willing to make a plan when these issues arise and try to fix it, it could put a big toll on both of you. To be honest we sucked the life out of each other from trying so hard to "work on the relationship" that I left because it was too much to bear.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:00 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2007, The BlueSparks Network