Friends who only call with their problems?

[KayKay]

You're right Brownie. I do realize that a lot of that applies... I'm an introvert who's apt to bottle things up. So I know that a lot of people don't know what to say. That's a "generally speaking" thing I believe to be true, and I don't think that most people I know would feel comfortable asking/following up with me about something like that. (I haven't told very many people at all)

In this particular case, I have spent the last 3 months consoling/helping my friend. She has said things like "You have been the most constant support I was offered" and "You helped me so much, thank you." I KNOW she values what I offered; I also think she knows what "helps" (or at least what I would consider helping... because that's what I did). I guess this isn't making sense.

I get your point about not knowing what to say, and I really think it's especially valid because I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve (for this type of thing). I can see where people wouldn't know if they should broach a topic with me or not. My friend is a huge extrovert, and you can tell just by the look on her face or the sound of her voice or the tone of her text. That's not true with me.

[snafu]

KayKay - you know you can always share with us (FFF). I do it enough here - I've even referred to myself as the "drama queen" - (((hugs)))

[KayKay]

Thanks, snafu. Goodness knows I don't hold back here.

It's not so much the part about me being upset about DS (I can handle that) as it is the part about fair-weather friends. I'm more bothered by the fact that she (and it's not just her... I have other friends like this too) can't seem to have a conversation with me unless she needs a shoulder to cry on. She goes shopping with friends, exercises with friends, lunches with friends, goes to social events with friends, has a book club with friends and I'm never one of those friends.

Now, the interesting thing is that it didn't used to be this way. I've never really been a part of her circle of friends (she's an extrovert who hangs with extroverts) but we've been friends for a long time. Not CLOSE friends, but she's easy to talk to and we can easily pass an hour or two on the telephone (which is highly unusual for me). Maybe I need to think more about that. Maybe by "being there" for her, I've put myself in the position of being the shoulder she cries on and somewhat unwittingly have removed myself from the more joyful conversations. Maybe I have become a reminder of the unhappy times? I dunno. Something to think about, anyway.

To make a clean breast of it... I need to say that this particular friend is also friends with XF and, as such, I have never told her "what happened". XF whines to her about me (XF can't understand whhhhyyyyyyy I won't talk to her) and this friend doesn't know what happened, can't imagine what happened, I won't tell her what happened, and so doesn't understand why I won't speak to XF. XF didn't do a d*mn thing to help her when she was in the crisis situation; she was one of those who couldn't be bothered with my friend's problems. So what happens is that this friend will walk into a basketball game (for example) and sit down with XF and laugh and have a great ol' time until the game is over, then text me until midnight that night with her problems. I think that's the part that bothers me. It kinda hurts, moreso because she publicly chooses XF over me.

Ah well... the best thing for me to do is reach out to other friends. And stop hijacking Lucy's thread.

[KayKay]

I have just had a "Eureka!!" moment that I thought was relevant to this thread.

The friend I was griping about in the above posts called me today somewhat in shock... she got hit with news (just this morning) that she's potentially undergoing a health crisis, and spent the morning being poked and prodded and zapped with all kinds of rays. I have spent the better part of the afternoon being the shoulder to cry on.

It was weird when she first called... she was too in shock to really "talk", but somehow she felt the need to call me. When she got off the phone she sounded better, but said the weirdest thing. She said something along the lines of "I just needed to hear you react and I got exactly what I needed." ()

She mentioned at one point something that her BF (the one she goes shopping with and has a good ol' time with) had said. It was (IMO) a rather glib response to someone undergoing the emotional rollercoaster my friend was going through, but I shrugged it off.

A few minutes ago I remembered it and realized... Maybe the reason she cries on my shoulder so much is because her other friends (the ones she does all of the fun things with) don't have very much compassion for her problems. All of their worlds revolve around having fun and being happy. When a member of their group isn't fun to be with anymore, they get culled. They don't have what it takes to think outside of themselves, maybe. (*Don't get me wrong... I like most of them. But I can't imagine having more than a superficial relationship with them.*)

You know what? If I'm right about this, I don't envy them after all.

[LucyVanPelt]

You are right, KayKay. There are friends that are a riot to be with, but you can't count on them when things are bad. Then there are the one or two that you can always count on to do or say the right thing. That would be you. We don't show those friends enough appreciation. (((hugs)))

[KayKay]

Well, in this friend's defense, she does show me appreciation. She's having surgery tomorrow (on short notice) and texted me "Thanks for being there. Interesting to see who is a real friend in a time of relative crisis and who sorely disappoints." So she knows. And she does acknowledge and thank me. She just doesn't sit next to me at basketball games.

But thanks for the kindness, Lucy.

Part of me wanted to respond back "Yes, it IS interesting, isn't it?" But that would be being snarky and I wouldn't say that in general, much less the night before surgery. I responded back that I was sorry and that sometimes people don't know what to say, so they say nothing. (Thanks for that insight, Brownie and Lizzie!!)

[dendah]

Brownie let's say some of your mom's friends happen to find out by chance without your mom telling them, what would you have expected them to do?

I had such a similar situation where my old Varsity friend (At least I thought, she was one), seperated with her hubby and not even bother to talk about it,, we were talking everyday through e-mails and phone calls. But at least she ended up telling me that, just before divorce. Now she is pregnant and still never bother to tell me about it, until it slipped out from her colleague, who didn't know I don't know.

Can you imagine I was sharing my whole self with her being very open to her and she was always there for me. Yet she can't open up to me, in her time of need or celebration. I was so hurt that I decided not to ask her about it until she tells me. She kept quite even after knowing I know! (cause the colleague did go and apologised to her) she just keep quite. I also kept quite, we haven't spoken since and that was October last year. I texted her a "merry xmas" she responded generally but nothing about the baby and her preparing for her 2nd marriage!

I felt so betrayed, that I was not holding anything from her on all my life challenges. I am still waiting for the day, when she will talk to me (if there will be).

So I'll prefer a friend where we both available for each other not one sided kinda of relationship. It also depend to serious you take your friendship!

[KayKay]

Originally Posted by dendah

I felt so betrayed, that I was not holding anything from her on all my life challenges. I am still waiting for the day, when she will talk to me (if there will be).

Maybe she thinks you don't care, since you know and haven't asked? I'm not sure I understand why you haven't.

[LucyVanPelt]

Bringing this up again.

I got an email from a "friend" that I hadn't seen or spoken to in over a year. She asked me for some advice, the request filled with how much she values our friendship and my opinion, blah, blah, blah. She never replied. I know she got the reply. I think it's because I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. I don't think I'll be replying to her again. But I doubt she'll ask me again, either.

[KayKay]

Well, that's one way to filter out the fair weather friends. I'll have to try that.