Just curious

[KayKay]

Do any of y'all know people (not related to you) who are horrible DILs?

I know one woman who is just AWFUL to her IL's. She's not "mean", but she totally uses them (and her DH isn't innocent here... he definitely does the same thing!). Her ILs are wealthy (she and her DH are not), and she treats their money as her future money. She expects them to host birthday parties at their lovely home, she expects them to provide their beach house for a family vacation every summer, she expects them to buy tables at society events and bring her as their guest (and lend her and DH formal clothes to boot). She expects them to babysit whenever she needs. She expects them to entertain her (and her family) at the Country Club. She expects them to pay for their grandchildren's college!

I know that all sounds "normal" - like what normal loving families do/offer to do for each other. But she brings a sense of entitlement to it; I don't know how to describe it. I wouldn't think twice about it if it seemed like a mutual give and take. But it's just not. It's not a question of loving the ILs... she just loves their money. I doubt the ILs ever get a phone call that doesn't include "I want" or "I need you to..." (Maybe that's the best way to describe it. The DIL doesn't ask "Will you?" She states "I need you to.")

Her ILs are lovely people and go along with it all. They enjoy their grandchildren and want to keep a good relationship with their son (who is using them just as much as their DIL). But DH knows the FIL professionally (I know the DIL socially) and the FIL has mentioned to DH that his DS and DIL will be sorely disappointed when he dies. Serves them right, I say.

I hate seeing that.

[HisHeathenHoney]

A work acquaintance of DH's is a pretty rotten son and his wife a rotten DIL. I don't think money or using is involved but it is all about her family and they never visit his folks. Dh says it seems that it is mainly because the DIL's family live in Hawaii which is fun to visit and the H's family live in the midwest which is a drag to visit, so they don't. Basically perfectly nice parents but they blow them off because the other GPs are free lodging for a vacation. And the son just doesn't seem to care or have any appreciation for how it hurts his own Ps. "You live somewhere boring, so sorry, tough luck."

It's one thing to protect yourself and your children from bad behavior, it's another thing to act as if any inconvenience to yourself is totally unacceptable when you're talking about the people who gave you life and raised you.

Other than that though, don't know anyone IRL. I have noticed some posters (uh, not here so much) on certain boards who I think are probably pretty rotten DILs. Sometimes there are these awful situations described and I think "yes, that MIL does sound awful but the dysfunctional apple didn't fall too far from the tree either, I don't think he picked you because you were UNLIKE his mother, KWIM?"

[LucyVanPelt]

Yes, I know of 2 horrible DILs.

One was very cruel to her MIL because she didn't approve of the MIL raising her other grandchildren or the way she did it. It was awful to watch all that because she would just cut the woman down. That poor MIL didn't deserve any of the judgment the DIL put on her. She was doing her best with what she had. Her son never got involved, either. He just went on the porch with his dad and had a bottle of beer.

The other DIL was actually physically abusive to her children. Sadly, when the MIL tried to address it, she learned that her own son was the same way. She really wanted to believe her son was naive and she changed him. She later learned how violent her son had been after he went to the army. He didn't marry someone who corrupted him. He married someone who thought like him.

[snafu]

This thread made me think of both my DH & my ex-DH

Originally Posted by KayKay

She expects them to pay for their grandchildren's college!

When my ex & I were splitting up I had it put in the child custody agreement that IF DS went to college, ex would help pay. Ex disagreeded - in his opinion DS HAD to go to college, but either DS would pay his own way (ex's P's had $$ & ex also had a trust fund) or "You know my parents will pay for it" - that floored me - ex thought his parents should pay for OUR DS's college rather than him/us

Originally Posted by HisHeathenHoney

.... it is all about her family and they never visit his folks. ... it seems that it is mainly because the DIL's family live in Hawaii which is fun to visit and the H's family live in the midwest which is a drag to visit, so they don't. Basically perfectly nice parents but they blow them off ... And the son just doesn't seem to care or have any appreciation for how it hurts his own Ps. "You live somewhere boring, so sorry, tough luck."

It's one thing to protect yourself and your children from bad behavior, it's another thing to act as if any inconvenience to yourself is totally unacceptable when you're talking about the people who gave you life and raised you.

This made me think of DH & how he sees visiting my DM . It is/was all about his deceased first wife's parents & their relatives or his family - but in the past he fussed about going to see my DM (the drive is too long, its boring) while I was expected to visit with his DM's cousins that she'd not seen in years or vist with PFILs family, or visit with PMIL's family that visited from another country (I didn't go, but I think he asked PMIL's relatives to come to our house to meet me ). DH doesn't seem to understand how it hurts both me & my DM that he makes very little effort to GO see her. If I make the effort (pick DM up, bring her back, etc., well then as long as it didn't require him to go out of his way - other than we sleep on the sleeper sofa) he'll see her. In the past I told him that when she dies I don't expect him at the funeral - if he couldn't make an effort while she's alive - when it would matter to her, why bother when she's dead.

However, DH has changed for the better (a little & I think he'll keep improving because of a marriage conference we went to). HE made plans for us to go visit her once & I expect he'll do it again. Way to go DH