Insecure and constantly thinking about my boyfriend's ex

[blackedout17]

I have been with my boyfriend for the last 7 years (on and off). Before we got back together about 3 years ago, he was seeing another girl. He was having casual sex before that but it didn't bother me too much. Then he met this girl who he moved in with and was seeing for a year. It kills me that he did, although I was seeing someone at the time too. Now even though we look like the perfect couple, I am SO insecure. On thinking about it, this is what I have come up with -

1. I have a crappy body - I am a size 10-12, and while that might not seem large to some, I am only 4'11 in height. I was never this big. I don't know if it is the lack of interest in cooking or plain laziness or the fact that I am currently working (part time) and studying (full time) that I am unable to make time for the gym. I know my boyfriend's ex had a fabulous body coz he told me a long time ago. She would go to the gym and watch what she ate - she was a good influence on him. Now since he's been back with me, he has also started putting on a lot of weight. I feel horrible. My studies get over in a month and I'm hoping that I can discipline myself to go gymming everyday. Still, I feel so ugly right now that I don't want to do anything.

2. We have a **** sex life - It has been this way pretty much from the start. My boyfriend and I have spoken about this and we seem to think its because we waited too long to have sex (we had sex for the first time only a year and a half ago). Seemed like fun at first but then I got pregnant and had an abortion. Although the decision was not a problem, the lack of sex for about 1 month at a stretch kind of made it a habit. Now we barely have sex even twice a month. It really sucks because we're both only 24. On the other hand, he had a great sex life with his ex. Again, I probed and made him tell me. Now its eating away at me. He also thinks that because we're both unfit and slightly overweight at the moment, it might have decreased our sex drive. It seems like the solutions are there, yet they are not? Also, I think I have really low sex drive so I never wanna have sex.. Just hardly ever in the mood. Even if my boyfriend tries to get me started, I'll just push him away and tell him I'm really tired because of work/uni. I'm frustrated with myself.

I hate his ex. I swear I wish he was just having casual sex, it would've been so much easier. But then he really liked this girl. Now my emotions are all over the place, and every time we do have sex, I end of thinking about what all they must've done. Its eating away at me, and I think I'm pushing him away because of my insecurities. Can someone give me some insight into this and tell me your view? I just cant figure out why I'm so depressed. Unlike so many people, I know its my boyfriend's ex thats bothering me. Dunno why I cant just shut her out and work on myself to make myself feel better. How do I get motivated?? The thought of losing my boyfriend should be motivating enough, but my depression is weighing me down. Please help.

[1dilwhosreal]

Welcome to the forum.

I would say that you're still getting to know who you are and learning to value yourself. You're relying on other people to define yourself and you're getting a distorted view, sort of like looking in a fun house mirror.

Find a good psycho-analyst and investigate your own person. Leave this guy and all the extra baggage go while you're going through this process. Then, when you know who you are, you can find the right person in a good relationship. It may be this guy, it may not. But you should really take the time to find yourself rather than finding a man.

[MR78Z28]

the Girl i am seeing now had a problem with having a low sex drive and self esteam when she was married. she takes a antidepressant and WOW!!! she wants it more than i do. thats saying alot!!

looks have nothing to do with it. if he truly loves you then it should not matter!!

[KayKay]

I think a visit to your doctor is long overdue.

[gladlod]

Reagarding sex life i have to say that it is only happening in your head! You have to fight the goast in your head. I had these bad thoughs for years but then i started talking to a friend of mine and she told me to force my self to have sex - dont wait till you want to have sex!
Me and my hustband we became lazy but then we figured we have to change something and it works! Force your self to have sex and you will like it promise!

[KayKay]

Originally Posted by gladlod

Reagarding sex life i have to say that it is only happening in your head! You have to fight the goast in your head. I had these bad thoughs for years but then i started talking to a friend of mine and she told me to force my self to have sex - dont wait till you want to have sex!
Me and my hustband we became lazy but then we figured we have to change something and it works! Force your self to have sex and you will like it promise!

Um... maybe there's a better way to phrase it? I don't really think you mean that sex ought to be a "forced" act, right? I think you mean that sometimes you have to make the effort to keep that part of a relationship going.

And FWIW, the OP isn't in a long-term relationship like a lot of married couples... this isn't a "we've gotten into a rut" thing.

[gladlod]

I put it in this hard way to express how a women feels - for me it was a forcing! And if you do that for you and your relationship and u have fun in the end - it is not bad to force your self ...

[starwolf8989]

... learn to love yourself, first and foremost. you are unique. also, you should stop worrying about all of this... your boyfriend is still with you right? he is with you because he wants to be with you! otherwise, he would dump you, and be with someone else...

[Bonoumauvais]

I know exactly how you feel.

My boyfriends last girlfriend was his first, and he became very obsessed when they broke up. The worst part is I know because I'm the one who helped him get through it.

He would tell me how hot she was, how kinky, how wonderful, reminisce about moments they had together, discuss her problems with me. We were still just very good friends at this stage, but the things he said about her hang over my head every day, despite the fact he said he is compeltely over her thanks to me. I hate her not only for how much she hurt him, but just because of the things he said. I know logically that he's over her, but I get so insecure, wondering if he's had this exact moment with her too (he lied to me about the things they did together so I don't trust anything he says in that regard), wondering if I measure up - I think even once he said to me that he would never fall in love again because she was the only one, that no one would ever be as good as her. Now he claims to be in love with me and we've been in a steady, loving relationship for a while now. Some days those things really get to me though.

I'm not sure how I can help with that as I'm going through the same thing, I just thought that fact alone would ease the pain. I would talk to your boyfriend about it, about your insecurites, which I have so far not had the courage to do. As for your sex life/weight, going to the gym together would be a good idea, watching eachother get fitter and sexier.

If after you've lost the weight, your sex life is back to normal and you've talked to him about the insecurities, you still feel insecure, maybe your partner is the problem?

I really hope I helped, x.