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Old August 21st, 2018, 05:18 AM
rattlesnake rattlesnake is offline
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Re: When do you stop supporting "the dream."

It is frustrating as a parent to see your grown child do this, whether you offer any financial support, or not. My DS works hard, does not usually quit his jobs, but was fired from 3 different ones in 2016 and has been fired from others. Of course I never know the full reasons, only the bits and pieces he shares, but knowing my DS it is not that hard to figure out. He often tells the boss he knows more than he or she does (maybe directly or indirectly but the message gets through and is not appreciated). In addition to that, he is extremely forgetful (has ADHD, though it has never been formally diagnosed). This causes distractions, forgetfulness, and mistakes.

Because my DS has kids, I admit to "enabling" him to live beyond his means and "helping" him financially to the extreme as I fully believe he would have lost his house and the generous custody agreement he has with his children, if I had not given him all that financial help. Losing custody might seem like a stretch but he had utilities shut off and no heat in his home in the winter at one point, so yes I can see that could happen though he never had the kids staying in the home when the utilities were off, and I quickly "remedied" his situation.

He has recently gotten married and it seems to have solved much of MY financial dilemma though I have no doubt the two of them will have plenty of financial battles. She seems to like finer things, as well. Together, they have what I would consider reasonable income to make ends meet, but I see battles ahead and know they have already had some. She likely has no idea just how much I "helped" him but she does know I helped some and I think she wants him to cut that tie as it is made clear they don't want my financial help for anything, which is fine with me!

Recent example is they make these plans in advance to travel to her home state, or somewhere else, but then as time gets near, they realize they can't afford it and cancel. My DS NEVER cancelled this stuff before he married her. It seemed he would go ahead with it, but just not pay something else, like car insurance, utilities, whatever! And of course when I would discover that, I'd pay the important bills, because you know, he had to keep things up for his kids! It was a vicious cycle of frustration for sure, and I know my enabling never taught him a thing, even though there is more to this and yes I did take some measures that were meant to help him become more responsible and do better. (All my efforts failed though)


All we can do is empathize with each other. I think it is hard as parents to stand by and watch our kids screw up, because we wonder if we did something wrong to cause it. I know I feel this way sometimes but try not to. I have two very successful independent daughters. I did my best with all of them, and I'm sure you did your best too, Lucy. They live their own lives and we have to let go of it. Easier said than done and I don't think I'm a good example of practicing what I'm preaching here. But you are heard and I do empathize.
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