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Old October 21st, 2009, 06:02 AM
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Cremebrulee Cremebrulee is offline
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Re: Reply 2

Quote:
My husband’s mother, too, was pleased with her son’s pick. For goodness sake, she pressured my husband. At that time in her life, I was perfect for her. It is and always has been about her.


one thing, right now, and these past 13 years, regardless of how my DIL feels about me, what matters is how they feel about each other
so far, it's been good for them, it works for them and if my son is happy, fine.

My problem in this whole thing is, that for the small amount of time we are together, why can't we all just get along.

Have I been hurt, heck yeah and I was very angry at times, venting on these forums.

My son and I were very close at one time...he actually called me on his honeymoon, and I said...ohhhhh boy, this is not good...right now, you need to be attentive to your wife hun....you need to have a great time together and call me when you return home. I bet that really hurt her and made her mad...remember, I was a young wife to, once.

And let it be know, it's nature and natural for a father to gravitate towards his daughters, and a mother to gravitate towards her sons...it's an opposite sex thing and proven to be so. It's not something abnormal. I have many girlfriends whose sons call them once a week or more....but so do their DIL's. They all get along very well and it is so happy to see.

Please note, these are not simply my findings, but the findings of his extended family, as well...they fear her big time...that she might do the same thing to them, as she has done to me.

I'll tell you what I think happened...don't know if I'm right...but my DIL, has very very little confidence in herself. And let us remember, she grew up without love, a sound/stable environment, void of a mother or father.

So, she grew up adopting her personality the best she knew how. But when your adandoned over and over again, you adopt a feeling of guilt, thinking it's something you did that drove your mother away...you fear, you hurt terribly, you don't understand. So you develop what you know best, and if your not given love, and taught how to behave, your grow up with no idea of how to be. She acts out like a child, yells and screams, and doesn't even realize it. Boy does she have a temper. I bet a lot of times, she's angry and doesn't even know why.

Just a short time ago, my son's friends, both girls and guys, told me, when they all got together, they talked about me...because, it's what they all had in common. Those kids spent many hours and weekends at my home. We went places together, and I treated them all like mine. I was very strict, my rules applied...but they respected that. They even called me mom.

They were all good kids, now great adults. But they believe talking about me like they did, plus my son, bragging about me, my cooking, how close we were and how I was strict but fair, started the entire thing.

She feared he would never love her the way he loved his mother...and the sad part is...he loves her more...and she doesn't even realize it.

She hates rejection, fears it...actually...why, b/c her mother rejected her...over and over again...she also cannot admit she is wrong...or say, I'm sorry...It is very difficult for her to say thank you.

She is, though, the love of his life...and she has everything she could want...but she's still not happy. If she wants something, he gets it for her...no matter...and I won't go into it, but believe me when I say, she is well taken care of, plus, they constantly go on cruises...it's what she wants to do...he gives her, her every wish...and puts his own feelings and desires, dreams on the back burner.

I don't believe she is capable of understanding that, sometimes, people don't always want to do what she wants to do. It's always where she wants to go, when, and what time and she doesn't care if you want to go somewhere different, nor does care to ask.

Quote:
You can still ask her this question. You obviously hurt her. You may not think that you did anything to hurt her, but she does. It’s all about perception. If she perceives that you have hurt her, then it is real in her mind. It’s her reality. This makes it real. Thus, it is your reality and you a hurting, too, as a result. Reach out to her. Tell her that you are sorry that you hurt her. Be real. Be sincere. If you really mean it, she should feel it at some level. Be open. Let her talk. She obviously has so much to say, be willing to listen.


I do let her talk...believe me, I would like nothing more then to sit down and talk to her...but the point is, she doesn't want to discuss it...( and I bet you anything, a lot of things are just silly that she took as a personal attack against her character, which wasn't meant that way)

Please understand, I'm not dismissing her feelings by saying silly b/c I remember how I felt at times when I was a DIL...but things that bothered me then, are in fact silly now...and many of my friends have said the same thing, including girls her age. A lot of this stuff IS downright silly...and was taken the wrong way. I think in a lot of these situations, things got off on the wrong foot, b/c MIL was anxious to have a daughter, DIL was excited to start her own home, and had her own culture, and when MIL gave advice, it wasn't always received in the way it was given. I remember well....I thought I knew it all, and when my MIL gave me advice, I thought she was saying..."Your doing it all wrong" and she wasn't...but it was the way I perceived it. So I do understand.

Thanks for the discussion...and for taking the time to read...
Creme

Last edited by Cremebrulee; October 21st, 2009 at 06:08 AM.