View Single Post
  #25  
Old October 30th, 2009, 04:04 PM
Seeking Sensibility Seeking Sensibility is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 70
Seeking Sensibility is on a distinguished road
Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
I believe your MIL has problems that can never be fixed.
I agree. My husband has defended her by saying she is ignorant and set in her ways. Yet, he claims she is a good person because she goes to church every week and is a deacon of her church (so what...the BTK killer, too, was a deacon). Too me, the hypocrisy is most unnerving. It's my opinion that she goes to church for mainly appearances and to gossip.

"The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance". Socrates

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
I'm terribly sorry, but she's to old and to self imposed to care about the feelings of others. By the way, did she go to counseling with you and your husband?
My mil is too ignorant to see how her words and actions hurt others and too selfish to care.

During the last session, the counselor asked my husband questions about his mother such as: Have you had conflicts with her as a child? Has she been known to have conflicts with others? My husband's response was "No" and "No". My husband will defend his mother. Unfortunately, this was the end of the session and I had no chance to rebut. I believe the truth about his mother is much more difficult to deal with than the act of denial.

Anyway, we have not been back to counseling, not my doing. If he chooses not to see the counselor anymore, then he knows that he's going to have to "stuff" the mil issue. That means no discussion about her. This works for me! If he chooses to go back to the counselor, then he will have to deal with his mother issues straight-on. This works for me, also!

My mil has not been to any of the sessions. I have no problem addressing issues in front of an objective third party. However, I doubt it would happen. If she went, she would surely play the sufferer. She'll cry, deny, and say goodbye! I have no doubt.

If you want a relationship with your son and granddaughter, I would suggest that you do not do the same. I'd be more concerned about addressing your dil's "You hurt me" statement more than trying to get your viewpoint across. Your dil may be content about the current situation and she doesn't care about your viewpoint. If you're not content with the situation, then you're going to have to care about her viewpoint.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
I was raised to send birthday cards, thank you cards and/or a call to say thank you, & anniversary cards. It was considered to be impolite to not send cards in those days, at least in my own families culture.
I get it about the birthday cards, already. I just wonder if your dil may need a little more acknowledgement than a rhetorically signed birthday card. Obviously, you can't talk to her if she is going to yell. Has the counselor suggested another avenue?

I feel like we're going in circles.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
You see, her own mother walked in and out of her life like a revolving door. She'd be gone for years, and then come back again. Her one sister and her, are friends for a while, then they get mad at each other and they won't talk to each other for years...you have to understand what this woman went thru when she was little...my son doesn't know everything? But this hurt and abandonment she experienced from little on up, b/c her culture and the only way she knew how to deal with being abandoned. She I believe thought, feared I wouldn't like her, as she has little confidence in herself...so, did she reject me, before I could reject her? Only she knows the answers?
If it were me, I'd let go of this. First of all, you don't really know all of the things that have formed your dil. Secondly, if you're going to going to do that, it'd make sense for you to figure out her mother, then her mother, and so on...you'd have to go back to the beginning of creation. What's the sense in that? There comes a time when a person becomes an adult and is accountable for their actions. Period.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
And when I say, my son's father and step mother are scared to death of her, that she will do the same thing to them, as she has done to me, I'm not exaggerating.
Do you have a good relationship with them? Do they have an idea of why your dil feels that you've hurt her?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee View Post
I am not used to people yelling. I have MS, it's managable, and not nearly as bad as some, but I forget things quickly and become unraveled when people start yelling at me.
I'm sorry about your health condition. I'm sure the MS presents many daily challenges for you. I only hope that today is a good day.