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Old December 25th, 2017, 05:25 AM
rattlesnake rattlesnake is offline
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 70
rattlesnake is on a distinguished road
Overindulged the grandkids.

I have two grandchildren, a 7 year old girl and 9 year old boy. Because the parents were young and quite frankly immature when they were born, I have been very involved in helping them with their children who were born when xDIL was 18 and my DS was 19. Her family (especially mother) is very messed up and was not able to help in the same capacity that I did through all the years up until now.

My H and I have probably had the kids here on average about 1 or 2 days per week (over night) since they were born, but we have no legal rights and I'm not suggesting anything different. The parents are now divorced after being married for 6 years, and the kids went through a lot of additional hell during that time, which caused me to be even more protective and shall I say "motherly" to these kids. I have not tried to spoil them though I'm sure it might appear otherwise to some. I make a comfortable living and do love to get things for the kids, but I don't see that I highly overindulge them. I know these kids and know what they like to play with, and much of what I get them is educational (I'm an educator by profession). At the very least, what I get them encourages imagination.

I will leave my xDIL mostly out of this but she has some serious issues, some of which have involved CPS, but she denies this to the outside world and most probably view her as mother of the year, very sweet, soft-spoken, etc. I think for the most part she had gotten better over the years, after being with the new man whom she left my DS for. I wish I could say that I blame her for leaving DS, but I don't. I hate the way things happened, the cheating, the lying and denying of the cheating (which I know she did and how she even used me by telling me sometimes she needed to clean her house and study so would I get the kids...turns out she was entertaining a man or two while DS was traveling OTR for his job). But this is about DS, not her even though both parents are a reason I am so involved and concerned for my grandbabies. In spite of everything, I probably now get along with xDIL better than my own DS.

Last year DS was angry that I overindulged the kids at Christmas, got them more than he did, which he says makes him look bad and they would rather be with me than him.

DS is now 29. But quite frankly he gets them almost nothing, doesn't think about them when they are not around, only thinks about himself. He gets himself whatever he wants all the time. In fact, I believe it was last year that he went to see the Star Wars movie something like 5 times in a theater. I'll try to keep it brief but he has trouble managing his finances and has had his utilities shut off in the past due to non-payment.

I also believe last year he was most upset that I got an XBOX one for this household. Even though we have other grandkids besides his two, and my H and I do use it too, he seemed to lump that with gifts for his kids in with everything else we got them (mostly dolls, toy trucks, lego sets, etc.). He was angry we got them too much and made me "agree" that I would only get them each one thing this year. I half-heartedly must have made some sort of "agreement" with him but let me tell you my heart was not in in it and I argued about making the agreement before I did it. I suppose I finally agreed since his alternative was to not let me see my kids at Christmas. He never had the conversation with my H who is his step-father and "indulges" the grandkids as much or more than I do even though they are not his bio grandkids.

Well, this year came around and I was left with the dilemma. About my biggest joy in life is to see grandkids smiling and excited on Christmas. How would I get around this agreement? Well, I decided to get more than one thing, put it in a box for each kid and they would just open one box. It actually was scaled way back from last year, even though I don't think we went extremely overboard last year, either.

If only DS was not at my house when they opened it, it probably would have worked. But once again he was furious. GS's box had something like three toy vehicles sets (he loves semis with trailers and there is something on the trailer, like tractors or cars). It also had a hotwheels track toy ($10 gift) and two hotwheels vehicles.

GS asked for "all of the descendants dolls" and some My Little Pony things. I was able to find 8 different Descendants dolls (they are the size of Barbie Dolls). That is certainly not all the characters from the movies but yes I knew she would love them. One package had four of these dolls in the package and that was how it was sold. Another package had two, and the other two were ordered as individual dolls to make 8 all together. I also got her a $3.00 set of generic dollar store "little ponies."

Well, DS was furious and ruined Christmas over this but of course in his mind it was me who ruined Christmas. His exact words were that I "did not follow the rules" and he was going to make the kids pick one gift from the box and they had to give the rest to charity. Of course they started to bawl and I tried to reason with him but there was no reasoning. He took the kids and left before eating. All I could think of is the grandkids and I wishing I had followed his "rules" to avoid this. But somehow it does not stop my anger at him and my heartache for the grandkids. In the heat of my anger I told him I'd never forgive him. But the truth is that I have forgiven him for worse and I love my son even though a lot of the time I don't like him. I called him and told him to come back have the kids pick their 1 toy and go ahead and give the rest to charity. He actually came back and did just that and stayed and ate with us and said "I love you Mom" and hugged me. Inside I just wanted to scream at him, still. I guess the reason I'm writing this now is I want somewhere to vent.

Next year of course I will "follow the rules." Of course this is far more complex than I can really express here, but he knows that I know if I don't "follow his rules" he has the power to keep those kids away from me and he will do so, rather than put their needs and wishes before his own need to be 100% in control of everything. I'm not looking for advice, really, just want to vent. I already know what I have to do and that is comply with my DS's rules. Incidently his ex wife does indulge the kids. She has no money either but signs up for Toys for Tots and they get far more from that alone than what I got the grandkids. Just sayin' Believe me if he could still exert any power over his x wife's decisions on what to get the kids, he would do so.
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