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Old September 7th, 2010, 10:48 AM
DaughterMW DaughterMW is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Re: Need help: My relationship with my parents

KayKay, good questions. My ex wasn't someone they had known before or set me up with. They loved him and tried very hard to develop a close relationship with him, but he was resistant--I think because he wasn't close to his (dysfunctional) parents and felt like he'd be betraying them if he got close to my parents. My parents had a hard time with that and, I think, felt a little bitter about it during the divorce.

The funny--well, not "ha ha" funny--thing is that before my ex and I made the decision to divorce, I really struggled with being an embarrassment to my family about this. I knew that I could handle any embarrassment I felt but knew it would hard for them. I expressed this several times to my parents, and they would get upset with me for even considering that. Their response was always that I couldn't worry about that and that I needed to do what was healthiest for me.

My mom dropped off some boxes of my stuff at my house last night, and, of course, it turned into a conversation about this. We can't talk about anything without it turning into this. She said, among other things:

* I need to give her a timeframe for when this will be resolved.
* She doesn't know how we got to this point.
* She feels like she's given and given and given to me for the past 27 years and doesn't have anything else to give.
* The most important thing is that we resolve our problems and have a good relationship and that it doesn't matter as much what happens with the person I'm seeing and me.
* She wants things to be resolved between us, but if there's any possibility of my parents having to meet this person or of me having a long-term relationship with him, they just won't be able to deal with that and, therefore, with my problems with them. (That contradicts the previous point, I know.)
* She knows she's mishandled the situation and is very sorry for that, but that doesn't change that they feel I'm making a terrible decision.

I think there are other issues at play, too, that they're not aware of or that they don't want to admit. I mentioned earlier that I have rarely, if ever, dissented from my parents and not done what they wanted me to do. This is my "rebellious" phase, I guess, at the old age of 27. They think that because I disagree with them that I'm not listening. (I've tried explaining that understanding and listening to them does not necessarily equate agreeing--that it's okay to disagree.) Also, my mom's mom (my only living grandparent) is declining and will likely have to go to a nursing home soon. That's very hard, I know, and I think my mom probably feels like she's losing two important women in her life.

I've come up with a million reasons why my parents are reacting so strongly to this. It helps me empathize a little bit, but I still can't justify them doing things like uninviting me to Thanksgiving and a family reunion.
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