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Mr Eko November 4th, 2019 09:32 AM

Is it appropriate for a married man to be with his ex-wife so frequently?
The world and society in general must be changing at such a pace that it's impossible to keep up. Here's the situation. My brother is married, for the second time. He has kids from his previous marriage. So, naturally, his ex-wife is in the picture. His current wife knew every bit of this going in. There were no surprises, nothing was withheld from her. She knew that he would be talking to his ex-wife on a regular basis. Because of the kids. Well, that's what he says anyway. He does some things with his ex-wife that I can't help but question. Once per month, he goes over to his ex-wife's apartment to have "family time" with her and the kids. This on the surface raises some interesting questions. Why is this necessary? If they feel that this "family time" is so important, then why weren't they doing it all those years that they were married? Why now? Where does his current wife fit into this? She does not accompany him when he goes to his ex's apartment for said family time. She doesn't accompany him...because he expressly forbids it. Which in itself raises flags. But, his current wife will not question it. She just nods and accepts it. Whether or not she likes it is another story.

What kind of message does it send to the kids? I know that it is confusing them, because they have discussed it with me. They have asked me why family time with their divorced parents is a requirement, yet it was never a requirement when they were married and what is that saying about daddy's present wife. Why is she excluded? They have also asked me if daddy is married to both of them. That one really makes me raise an eyebrow. As many questions as that raises, there is another situation that raises even more. There are other times when he and his ex-wife get together, and it sure isn't for family time. It's just the two of them. Naturally he has an explanation for it. He says "it has to do with the kids". Well, even still, do they need to go out on what is basically a date to discuss the kids? They go to dinner. They go see movies. They go for drinks. All the while, his current wife is at home. He just explains it all away. Calls it "the age in which we live" or some such. The whole thing stinks like a dead guy in the middle of the summer. I just can't fathom how a married man can actually say with a straight face that he does not find this inappropriate in the least. If I were his current wife, I would at least ask that the one on one time stop.

Just my .02, but I think that she has a leg to stand on in both instances. Right off the top, she has every right to ask that the one on one time with his ex wife stop. And, I think that she has the right to ask that that "family time" stop as well. Of course, he will say that that is for the kids (his number one go to answer) but she can turn around and rebut that by saying that family time can be spent with him, her, and the kids. She could say that not only did he divorce her, but he remarried. So, the fact that he has another wife now should disqualify him from family time with her and the kids. I do believe that there are little cracks starting to show up. While she will not voice her displeasure, his current wife's body language is suggesting that she doesn't care for any of this. Of course, being the answer for everything kind of guy that he is, he says that his situation is "far from unique". So, is that true? Do "lots of men" (as he puts it) really go hang out with their ex-wives after they have remarried? Or could this be simply be the indicators of an affair with his ex?

KayKay November 5th, 2019 08:22 PM

Re: Is it appropriate for a married man to be with his ex-wife so frequently?
I've been trying to think of something to say about this situation and I really can't come up with anything. :/ So I went back and read another of your old posts where you were confused about your brother's ex-wife and new wife becoming fast friends.

All I can say is that you should focus on your nieces and make it a point not to pay attention to what your brother, his wife, and his ex do. Your nieces need a happy, loving "who cares about that drama, let's do something fun" place to land.

Inappropriate or not, if they haven't made it your business, it's best for you not to make it your business either. Back as far away as you feel that you need to and can with your nieces in the picture.

Mr Eko November 7th, 2019 09:46 AM

Re: Is it appropriate for a married man to be with his ex-wife so frequently?
I'm only asking because of how much this is affecting the kids. Emotionally, they are coming apart at the seams, and this is the reason. They are rather upset that mom and dad ended their marriage because they just could not get along, as they told the kids. And yet, after daddy remarries, now he wants to be with mommy, and be a family and be affectionate with mommy, all the while he has a wife that he just leaves at home. That also bothers them because they can sense what this is doing to their step mom. But I do think that if my brother and his ex are going to have this affair, they should do it in their own private space and away from the kids so as not to confuse them further. Them asking if "daddy is married to both of them" speaks volumes about the situation. That means that they have been affectionate in front of the kids. Which just baffles them. They know what he is doing is wrong. And it affects them. It affects their school work. They honestly need counseling. But, at the end of the day, if three adults want to all want to hop in bed together for a good old fashioned three way, then there is no stopping them. What I want to do is shield the kids from this madness. And if I can at least get them to compromise and have this affair away from the kids, then I can live with that.

snafu November 12th, 2019 09:26 AM

Re: Is it appropriate for a married man to be with his ex-wife so frequently?
(((Hugs))) to the kids
ITA with kaykay, be there for the kids

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